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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FEELING GUILTY 5 DAYS ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

73 replies

closetohappyguy · 13/10/2007 19:35

Just on Sunday last week, I sat down with my wife and told her that due to the state of our 6 year marriage, our relationship was over
When I say the state of our marriage I mean

  1. we have not slept in the same bed for 5 years.
  2. we have sex only once every 3 months
  3. she complains to friends etc that i don't do enough for her and that her life is hard.

We have 2 gorgeous children, both of whom i love with all my heart and if im honest i love my wife as much but have got to the stage where i feel i cant live with her no more.

The reason for my decision is that i work very hard all year to put food on the table, clothe the family and provide the roof over our heads.

My wife has NOT once in 6 years said that she loved me although i always have told her how beautiful she is and how much i love her.

I do most of the cooking for the children and often cook meals for my wife.

My wife has today asked me to leave the family home which i cant do as i will miss the everyday contact with my children and she has told me that it doesnt matter wether she can afford to pay the mortgage or not as i will have to pay it.

Can anyone out there advise me!!!!!

OP posts:
Pages · 13/10/2007 20:15

I may be wrong but it seems that there is more going on here than either you or your wife are admitting to each other?? I'm also just a bit confused as to what you wanted the outcome to be?

Surely if you sat her down and told her the relationship was over you must have been expecting that you would go your separate ways, ie not live together any more? How did you envisage things going once you had told her you wanted to split?

Is it possibly the case that neither of you really wants it to end but that you don't know how to talk to each other about all of this? Have you told her that you still love her?

Is there a reason for sleeping in separate beds? It seems as though these issues have been bothering you for the majority of your marriage - were you together long before that?

Original poster
closetohappyguy · 15/10/2007 22:48

To answer your question, i paste here the letter i have given to my wife today with the names of the children blanked out.

This is the letter I have always been reluctant to write as I always believed that everything would sort itself out in time, but at 41 my time for happiness is running out.
It?s an explanation of the reasons why I have made the decision to end our relationship. The decision was taken after my dad?s strokes 4 weeks ago, where I realised that life was too short to be unhappy, especially for as long as we have been.

I would first like to say that I believe I was the luckiest bloke on earth to have a beautiful wife whom I loved dearly, with a figure to match her looks, even after having had 2 kids, our gorgeous kids * and **, a lovely house and no debts with the exception of our mortgage. These are the things that every bloke wants in life and I had them all!!

I could not go on living as we were, sleeping in separate beds for 5 years (even though I changed jobs to get off nights to have as close to a normal family life as possible), having a sexless marriage and you continuously telling me and your friends how hard your life was and that I did nothing for you, when everything i did was to support our family in working hard to provide food, clothes and a lovely home for my family, bearing in mind that we also have 2 dogs which restricts what we can do as a family (mum, dad & kids).

I hoped sincerely that we could have sorted everything out, through counselling or just us talking but every time I mentioned to you how I felt about our relationship and what I felt was missing, you just replied each time that you didn?t have time for me and the kids and suggested that I was being selfish.

I had suggested to you that we put * into a nursery to get him playing with other kids and this would then allow you to get out of the house and work part time to allow you to find yourself, get back some of your self esteem and to break the monotony for you, even just for 10 hours a week as money was not an issue but you always declined to even look at this due to the cost of the nursery care and the distance you would have to walk to get there.

Since * was born 5 years ago and ** 2 years ago you have never listened to any of my suggestions regarding the bringing up of the children but always did things your way which resulted in me feeling frustrated and leaving you to do things your way with the kids, with this being the end result as still today you are sleeping with the kids, all 3 of you in Jays single bed.
This as I said all these years ago will do our relationship and the kids no good.

I am frustrated more to hear you say in the last few days that you are contemplating looking for a job and childcare for * as you will get more benefits and when I asked about this you said it was because you had to.

Then there?s the £35,000 ensuite attic conversion and beautiful bathroom extension we have just had done. Had you mentioned at the planning stage of this project that you did not plan to sleep in there for another 5 years or so until the kids had grown a bit, I would not have spent that cash on the house but would have gone with the other suggestion of buying the caravan to at least get away with the kids on a regular basis to give them a happy childhood to remember for the rest of their lives instead of being in the house every weekend.
You did keep on at me about being on the laptop but I will again say that I was only on the laptop playing games as I never got anything from you

I know that right now you will hate me, but in time I hope we can be friends with the importance being the happiness of the kids and allow them to see the happy sides of Mum and Dad.

What hurts the most is that I cannot stop myself loving you even though the amount of times you told me you loved me in our 11 year relationship (6 years married) I can count on one hand. All I ever wanted was to have a loving and affectionate marriage for the kids to see to enable them to give love in their adult life. This is something I never saw as a child but saw it as my role as a dad to make amends for the misgivings in my childhood and ensure these weren?t missing in my kids lives.

OP posts:
Elizabetth · 15/10/2007 23:18

Do you think the problem is that you seem to be treating your wife as some kind of walk-on part in your fantasy of a family that "every bloke wants in life"?

Did you ever ask your wife what she felt was missing from the relationship? It sounds like you've looked at everything from your point of view. Have you thought about how she feels? She's obviously not happy.

madamez · 15/10/2007 23:23

YOu do seem to be looking for everyone to go, ooh dear, what a bitch your wife must be and what a wonderful man you are. Unfortunately that's not what you're going to get. Really, only you and your wife can sort things out between you (some form of counselling might help) but at no point do you seem to care what your wife thinks or wants, you're just blaming her for everything. It also sounds as though there's a lot more going on in your household that you're not telling us about or not percieving. Try to talk calmly to your wife and ask her what she wants out of a relationship with you, and see if there's any mutual ground you can meet on.

SaintJude · 15/10/2007 23:33

Seems to me like you both have problems communicating what you want to each other, and in a manner that isnt antagonistic.

Do you want to salvage your marriage at all or do you really feel it has gone too far/you arent willing to accept that you can both make changes for the better now?

Some of your post, I have to say, seems somewhat materialist and idealistic. Some of what you say also indicates that your wife is depressed.

Clearly you are having a difficult time at the moment, what with your father being ill, and having the frustrations of family life added to it. I do believe that expecting your wife to continue with the current living arrangements if you have already told her that your relationship is over is selfish and a little arrogant.

Can you not go to relate, the both of you, and give it one last go?

xXxspookyxXx · 15/10/2007 23:41

just wanted to ask what exactly went wrong in your marriage that it went so badly,if you do not want to leave the home are you expecting her and the kids to leave?

cheeset · 15/10/2007 23:43

closetohappyguy, I think you deserve a medal.

I would be bloody annoyed if my kids were in my bed every night, what is she doing,its not normal.

You are not close anymore and have drifted apart, she/you need to get those kids out of that bed and become more intimate and I don't mean just sex.

Sounds like she loves the kids more than you?
Do you think that?

maximummummy · 15/10/2007 23:45

what a very odd upbringing your kids are getting - sounds all very sad and unhappy - think it's time you went your separate ways as it sounds like your wife doesn't love you anymore

SaintJude · 15/10/2007 23:46

cheeset - before you offend 50% of MNers further, can I just point out that co-sleeping is not abnormal at all.

There are ways and means to find intimacy, not just at night time, at the end of the day, when one or the other is most likely quite tired, in the bedroom.

cheeset · 15/10/2007 23:49

I don't think the marrage is over,it all went wrong when the kids went into the marital bed and his nose was pushed out of joint. The wife sounds like she has love only for the children now-she has forgotten how to love her husband.

Life is very materialistic, he has to provide all because she cant, fair enough but what is he getting, naff all not even an 'I Love You'

cheeset · 15/10/2007 23:52

SJ are YOU the 50% of mners?

Because I'm not. Unless a child is ill, had a bad nightmare, or something else I cant think of, then they should be in your bed, IMO.

xXxspookyxXx · 15/10/2007 23:52

is five not a bit old for cosleeping thou?

cheeset · 15/10/2007 23:53

What is cosleeping?

SaintJude · 15/10/2007 23:55

"I love you for providing for me" ????

Now that is weird.

As for "marital bed".....I have to say I dont necessarily disagree with your assertion that his nose was "put out of joint", but, I dont necessarily think a mother is wrong for co-sleeping.

hunkermunker · 15/10/2007 23:56

Cheeset, how on earth can you know what's happening in this marriage from the OP's summary of it (and a man who writes "with a figure to match your looks" to a woman he proclaims to adore...)?

You don't have the wife's side of it. For all you know, he might want her tied up with frankfurters and dressed as Little Bo Peep and she's bloody glad she has children to sleep with.

Sorry to cast aspersions, OP, but I don't think we have the full story here (not suggesting you are a nursery-rhyme or pork product fetishist though, that was exaggeration for effect, what can I say, I'm prone).

And CHeeset, I agree with SJ - co-sleeping is often the best solution all round for families - if it's not working for one member of the family, then things possibly need to alter, but don't slate co-sleeping, please.

xXxspookyxXx · 15/10/2007 23:56

i ment co-sleeping

Elizabetth · 15/10/2007 23:56

"Life is very materialistic, he has to provide all because she cant"

He doesn't provide all. She's bringing up his two children. That's work too although you wouldn't think it from the way he is writing about her. He works hard, her work doesn't get a mention. If that's the way it goes in reality in their household I'm not surprised she's pissed off.

SaintJude · 15/10/2007 23:57

Anyway, his post says she is sleeping in a single bed with the children - not in the "marital bed".

It's too late to explain - i'm off to bed, perhaps someone else will do it for me. Or, you can search the archives on here.

hunkermunker · 15/10/2007 23:57

How old are the children, OP? I'd say five is the oldest - the youngest is, well, younger.

SaintJude · 15/10/2007 23:59

Agree actually Elizabetth.

cheeset · 15/10/2007 23:59

Whats with all this cosleeping business?

Why do these kids age 2/5 need to sleep in with the mother? Please.

Where is a husband supposed to sleep,in the kids bed?

What message does it send to a husband?

These children should be secure enough in their lives without having to sleed in with the mother.

SaintJude · 15/10/2007 23:59

2, hunker.

xXxspookyxXx · 16/10/2007 00:00

strange when woman open threads like this they get support but when a man does it he is hopped on and told we only have one side of the story not something ive every read on a thread about someone splitting from the male

xXxspookyxXx · 16/10/2007 00:02

not sure at the age of five its about the childs security or anything else there i said it off you go ill hide behind my couch for the attack

hunkermunker · 16/10/2007 00:02

Spooky, I am biased because the letter reads like letters a much-loathed ex used to send me, bitching about how much he'd spent on albums and cinema tickets for me. That's right, we were 15.