Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

FEELING GUILTY 5 DAYS ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

73 replies

closetohappyguy · 13/10/2007 19:35

Just on Sunday last week, I sat down with my wife and told her that due to the state of our 6 year marriage, our relationship was over
When I say the state of our marriage I mean

we have not slept in the same bed for 5 years.
we have sex only once every 3 months
she complains to friends etc that i don't do enough for her and that her life is hard.

We have 2 gorgeous children, both of whom i love with all my heart and if im honest i love my wife as much but have got to the stage where i feel i cant live with her no more.

The reason for my decision is that i work very hard all year to put food on the table, clothe the family and provide the roof over our heads.

My wife has NOT once in 6 years said that she loved me although i always have told her how beautiful she is and how much i love her.

I do most of the cooking for the children and often cook meals for my wife.

My wife has today asked me to leave the family home which i cant do as i will miss the everyday contact with my children and she has told me that it doesnt matter wether she can afford to pay the mortgage or not as i will have to pay it.

Can anyone out there advise me!!!!!

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 16/10/2007 00:03

And why hide behind the sofa if you believe what you're saying?!

cheeset · 16/10/2007 00:04

I gave my op based on what was posted, thats what I thought we were supposed to do, no?

The DH was complimenting his wife, telling us he still finds her attractive 'with a figure to match her looks' Whats wrong with that?

'co-sleeping is often the best solution all round for families' Why?

SaintJude · 16/10/2007 00:04

I disagree spooky.

I always try and see things from both sides. If you look at any of my posts on relationship type threads in the past, I'll always give both perspectives if necessary - otherwise, it's no help at all, is it?

I'm now wondering though, what the OP is feeling guilty about (as per his title) based on his further postings.

hunkermunker · 16/10/2007 00:05

I don't understand the thread title btw.

Why are you feeling guilty? Last Sunday you sat your wife down and told her your marriage was over.

And now she's asked you to leave, and you're complaining? But if your marriage is over and you want to get out of it, why are you feeling guilty?

Elizabetth · 16/10/2007 00:06

My responses are driven by the fact that he talks about all the work he does but his wife's doesn't get a mention. From the letter you'd think he was the only person sweating it in the relationship whereas being a mother to two young children is pretty much a 24 hour a day job.

Also the "with a figure to match her looks" was a bit like she's some kind of stepford wife, fitting the perfect mould.

SaintJude · 16/10/2007 00:07

lol at x-post hunker

Indeed Elizabeth. Am also wondering how he does "most of the cooking for the children" if he is out working........

hunkermunker · 16/10/2007 00:08

Why is it the best solution all round?

Because when a family is made up of a couple of adults and some children (as opposed to relationships like this one, where the man bitches about his wife not "putting out" when he clearly hasn't a clue what makes her tick), and the children are not good at sleeping, often the kindest option is for them to be in bed with you.

But if you go at it, you can't possibly ever have the empathy to understand that and it's late and I'm tired and I can't be arsed to explain it more to somebody who's going to scoff. Read Three In A Bed by Deborah Jackson.

SaintJude · 16/10/2007 00:08

We need more info, basically.

Currently, its not all adding up.

xXxspookyxXx · 16/10/2007 00:09

was expecting to get flamed for not thinking imo and for my family co-sleeping with a five year old is a particularly good thing

xXxspookyxXx · 16/10/2007 00:10

where has he gone anyway

cheeset · 16/10/2007 00:11

Elizabetth, we are only hearing one side but then we do on mn don't we?

The guy complimented his wife with the figure comment, he was being nice IMO.

He just wants a bit of lovin.

He said she didnt need to work, money was no object, he didn't force her to go to work. He sounds, I say sounds life he loves her, just wants some bl loving and his side of the god damned bed.

cheeset · 16/10/2007 00:11

He cooks at tea time?

Niecie · 16/10/2007 00:13

I have to say that I agree with Cheeset. I think that there are a lot of posters on here who are being a bit harsh. If a woman had written that letter I doubt if she would have been called materialistic or been accused of trying to fit her DH into her fantasy of family life. OK he may not have written the letter in the same way as a woman would have done but that is because he is a man fgs. They have a different way of communicating. Surely we all know that and can see beyond it.

The OP seems to care about his wife but is getting nothing back in return, no love or respect. I don't mean she does nothing either, before everybody goes up in arms and says that she looks after the children. Of course she contributes to the household but she is not contributing much to the relationship.

I suspect that he doesn't want the relationship to end but has done this to force her hand to get her to open up. I think they are so cut off from each other that this is not going to happen but they really do need a cards on the table talk and probably the only way they are going to get that is if they go to counselling.

I don't have anything against co-sleeping, have done it myself for a bit, but surely part of its purpose is to create a strong family unit. If one member of that family feels cut off because of it, it isn't working and it is destroying that unit. Besides, I don't think she co-sleeps because she wants to be there for the children, I think she does it because she wants to get away from her DH and that isn't healthy.

And no we don't know her side of the story but how often do we get the DH's side in any of the posts that women make on this site. Does that stop anybody being sympathetic? No I don't think so.

SaintJude · 16/10/2007 00:14

The children arent in their bed, let alone his side of it!

She is in with the children.

Spooky, co-sleeping isnt for everyone. But it can certainly work for many families, and there is nothing "wrong" with it. It's just personal choice. To suggest it's abnormal is a little insulting to the many families who do it successfully and happily.

Elizabetth · 16/10/2007 00:15

He doesn't sound as if he loves her. He sounds like he's got a fantasy about a perfect family which his wife is refusing to fit into.

To be kinder it also sounds like they have huge communication problems, but it also sounds like the OP's attitude in what he wants in a marriage is a big sticking point.

Also if you read a bit more carefully, he's got the whole goddamned bed. His wife and kids are in the single bed.

SaintJude · 16/10/2007 00:15

Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, tea.

it's not that much.....

Niecie · 16/10/2007 00:18

Elizabeth - that is exactly why I think she is using co-sleeping as an excuse to stay away from the marital bed rather than being the way she wants to bring up the children.

Carmenere · 16/10/2007 00:18

I do think not having been told 'I love you' in 6 years is a bit tough. I know it is not the be all and end all but it is nice to be reassured within a relationship. Perhaps his dw is a bit cold, perhaps she uses intimacy as a tool/weapon? We don't know and won't unless he comes back I suppose. I wonder how he found his way here, per haps she is a mner?

cheeset · 16/10/2007 00:18

Co sleeping? I don't know whats going on anymore. MY kids go to their bed, if they have a nightmare, feeling pooly then they hop in with us.

Who is the co-sleeping for, the kids or the adults?

Is it me? I think people think too much...

xXxspookyxXx · 16/10/2007 00:19

i did not say it was abnormal as well you know.
i said it wouldnt work in my family and it wouldnt be for me.
if you can find the word abnormal in any of my posts i shall apologise untill then i assume im entitled to my opinion

Tortington · 16/10/2007 00:24

i think the co-sleeping is neither here nor there. once kids in bed you can do it on front room floor, setee, dining room table, garden shed - i mean people just dont have sex in bed.

DH and i once got into a - i work hard - no i work harder - my lifes hard - no my lifes harder - i drove 120 miles today (me) well i did a full day and fed the kids and ironed the pekit (dh)

point being that its too easy to play martyrdom top trumps.

yes - you do a lot - waddya want a meddle?

No - unless both parties are ok with it - then not having a sexual relationship for years - isn't ok.

so why ? was it something to do with the birth - did she lose her sex drive

are you mentioning it allt he time - slapping her arse and sayng " cwoor your tits look good in that" or when you have a cuddle you think "whayhay...ding dong ...and we're on!"

should she go to a doctor about her sex drive

does she like sex with you - are you the problem - are you dirty? smelly? not brush teeth , not shower regularly? ( rhetorical dont answer)

should you both go to relate councelling sessions - they do one on sex i think. - but you need to learn how to communicate.

i realise that some men think with their dick and parallel that with an absolute true love

women usually just dont work that way.

my dh made some lewd comment this evening and went in for a grope, he is unshaven with unbrushed teeth. most unappealing in itself never mind the 15 year old " let me feel yer tits" mentality that occasionally arises.

Re: your joint house - it would be sensible to seek legal advice if you are continuing to be seperated.

yo cannot tell her " we are seperated but i am staying here" its kinda like I'm staying married but shagging other women cos i aint gettin any! " and that isn't going to fly.

so i think there is a breakdown on both sides.

its not her fault alone MR. martyr, its not all yours either.

sit back think about it - c'mon - " i am only on the computer all the time cos i cant get a shag" (paraphrased) BULLSHIT!

maybe if you wern't on the computer and you gave her a cuddle watched a movi, made popcorn and DIDN@t expect a fuck then she would love you

see us women - we are usually with our husbands - big on the LOVE thing. Only when we feel loved can we fuck.

'relate' is my sufggestion - and a deeper look at your part to play

just depends how much either of you want to fight for it.

cheeset · 16/10/2007 00:25

If my dh cooked every night, he would say that he cooks all the time.Maybe this guy does that and doesn't cook Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, tea.

cheeset · 16/10/2007 00:28

custenstein, love ya style

Tortington · 16/10/2007 00:28

hello cheeselet - i love you.

cheeset · 16/10/2007 00:32

Anyway,where has closetohappyguy gone?

Always the way, they start a thread, everyone gets all worked up then they flutter away(only joking)

Nite nite.

Flip

1 2 3