FEELING GUILTY 5 DAYS ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[closetohappyguy]

Just on Sunday last week, I sat down with my wife and told her that due to the state of our 6 year marriage, our relationship was over
When I say the state of our marriage I mean

1. we have not slept in the same bed for 5 years.
2. we have sex only once every 3 months
3. she complains to friends etc that i don't do enough for her and that her life is hard.

We have 2 gorgeous children, both of whom i love with all my heart and if im honest i love my wife as much but have got to the stage where i feel i cant live with her no more.

The reason for my decision is that i work very hard all year to put food on the table, clothe the family and provide the roof over our heads.

My wife has NOT once in 6 years said that she loved me although i always have told her how beautiful she is and how much i love her.

I do most of the cooking for the children and often cook meals for my wife.

My wife has today asked me to leave the family home which i cant do as i will miss the everyday contact with my children and she has told me that it doesnt matter wether she can afford to pay the mortgage or not as i will have to pay it.

Can anyone out there advise me!!!!!

custenstein, love you too

well said custenstein

I love everyone but not people who dissagree with me-you know who you are

i justlove everyone as i piss most people off ...often.

Good, we will have our little clique just us, trouble is, we will have to agree with each other all the time wont we

its not called a click - its called a "quiche!" - i can't remember why - there you go insider knowledge!

ok everyone may I reply,

I came across this website by accident as i was searching for something else.

I had a good read through a lot of the posts in "relationships" and guessed that most had been posted by females but plucked up the courage to get opinions on my relationship problems.

I have read some very constructive points which i will answer but i have also read some not so nice comments from others guessing at the "other side" of the story.

I would like to stress that i aint looking for any trophies, medals or any other honours, what i was looking for was general unbiased advice.

i am now back online to answer any questions

ok everyone may I reply,

I came across this website by accident as i was searching for something else.

I had a good read through a lot of the posts in "relationships" and guessed that most had been posted by females but plucked up the courage to get opinions on my relationship problems.

I have read some very constructive points which i will answer but i have also read some not so nice comments from others guessing at the "other side" of the story.

I would like to stress that i aint looking for any trophies, medals or any other honours, what i was looking for was general unbiased advice.

i am now back online to answer any questions

custenstein,

for starters, i disagree with about all you have said in your posts. Each of your comments are "generalisation" of the usual twaddle, blokes thinking with their dicks etc etc just the usual femanist chants. The sitting on the computer bit, not once do I mention that it is done because I dont get "a shag".

I regard this relationship problem as very serious as we have 2 children involved in this whole mess and can assure you that I havent been sitting with my sides splitting with laughter at your comments

Hi - I'm going to bed now so I'll see what you replied (if anything ) in the morning but just wanted to ask what response you had have from the letter and what response were you hoping for?

Also have you considered going to Relate counselling alone? You can do that although I would have thought that you are both going to have to go at some point.

closetohappyguy, custy has a certain style of posting but I believe the points she was trying to make were serious, not funny. The way in which you try to initiate sex could be a major turn-off for your wife.

It sounds as if you've handed your wife an ultimatum in the hopes it would force her to save the marriage. Instead it's backfired and she's asking you to leave.

If you don't want to separate you need to persuade your wife into counselling. If you do want to separate, you should take legal advice with regard to the house.

I have to agree with elizabethh, your letter does rather sound like you are viewing your wife as a walk-on in your idea of a perfect family. The last line of your letter summed it up for me: "All I ever wanted was to have a loving and affectionate marriage for the kids to see to enable them to give love in their adult life. This is something I never saw as a child but saw it as my role as a dad to make amends for the misgivings in my childhood and ensure these weren?t missing in my kids lives."

You're trying to make amends for your own childhood and perhaps subconsciously force your wife into a particular role in order to allow that to happen.

If you can communicate openly about what you want from your marriage and listen to what she wants from your marriage perhaps you can find a workable compromise? You seem to have fallen a bit into the trap of thinking that because you are The Provider your needs are paramount and your notion of a happy family is the right one.

I hope you can sort this out, I really think counselling would help you both. Good luck.

tribpot speaks sense.

totally agree with niecie's post:

Niecie on Tue 16-Oct-07 00:13:20

and tribpot's last post

closetohappyguy I hope you got something useful from some of the posts on here. You have been given a lot of good advice. For what it's worth I do understand a lot of where you're coming from.

you are playing games closetohappy. you tell your wife the marriage is over but you don't want to leave.

i think you're not willing to take any blame for your part in all of this.

i agree that her not sleeping in the same bed as you is a problem.

you don't solve problems by saying the opposite of what you want to happen.

go to relate and start talking.

and i think custy's spot on with the martyr syndrome. bit too much of that going on i think.

Closetohappyguy, you don't need a caravan, loft extension whatever it was you have had done to your house in order to create a happy childhood for your children.

What your children need is for their mum and dad to be happy. It is a huge bonus for the children if the parents can be happy together but if not then it is (in my view) better if the parents split up and create two individual happy homes for their children.

If you really want this relationship to work, could you for you and her to be alone one weekend (children off to grandparent/s) with the sole purpose of trying to save this marriage.

You will need to ask her how she sees your marriage, in the past, in the present and in the future. Listen to her, really listen (accept that this is not about you but her feelings this time).
Tell her how much you would like to save the marriage.

You both sound unhappy with the state of your marriage, but marriage is sometime hard work, especially when you have children.

For what it is worth, you are "getting it more" than my husband is (because it is hard to juggle jobs, children and homelife). We have been through rough patches but we did get married and we did promise eachother to fight for the marriage to work.

I do think it is wrong of your wife to be sleeping in a single bed with both children all night. She can not be getting a good nights sleep. If she is going to co-sleep then she should at least do it in a bed that is big enough and you should all be doing it.

Sorry I am at work and have to go. Hope you get it sorted out with your wife.

So why are you feeling guilty?

I agree with Custardo's post. LOL at martyr top trumps - DH and I went through a phase of what I called competitive martyrdom - fecking tedious it was too!

CTHG, I think you need to talk to your wife. Your posts show there's not much understanding there - on either side. I think Relate would be a good option.

Just out of interest, you say your wife doesn't listen to your suggestions of how to bring up the children - can you give some examples?

My responses have been directed to both you and cheeset since it seems you both feel the same about co-sleeping, and both do not know an awful lot about the subject.

The "abnormal" was picked up from cheesets posts here

By cheeset on Mon 15-Oct-07 23:43:13
closetohappyguy, I think you deserve a medal.

I would be bloody annoyed if my kids were in my bed every night, what is she doing,its not normal.

But feel free to get indignant about it if you so wish - or not - if it doesnt apply to you.

"blokes thinking with their dicks etc etc just the usual femanist chants"

Just as a side note (or maybe it shouldn't be a side note as perhaps if you had a bit more respect for feminism you'd also have a bit more respect for your wife) the people who use the line that men think with their penises most often are men themselves, usually when they are wanting to justify porn use, affairs, eyeing up women in the street, sexual harassment, going to lap-dancing clubs etc, etc. Boys will be boys, men are like that, blah, blah, blah. Of course if feminists ever repeat it they are immediately put in the wrong.

Anyhow what's wrong with feminism? Women still have much less power than men in this society.

i flatly refuse any insults of feminism. HOW DARE YOU. i am a bloody Commie

so dont fall into the stereotype of calling women with a 'gob' feminists.

Whats going on, everyone attacking everyone, what about the guy with the problem here?

Just for the record,custenstein said 'i realise that some men think with their dick and parallel that with an absolute true love' Note the word some I don't think we need to mention feminism.

Elizabeth your line 'the people who use the line that men think with their penises most often are men themselves'bit of a generalisation?

I thought women used this line?

Your right, I know nothing about cosleeping,and indeed I missed the fact the mother was sleeping in one of the childrens beds with the two children and not the parents bed which throws up another question really;

If the mother chooses to co-sleep, why didn't she use the main/double bed?

I don't think there's anything wrong with generalisations if they are correct cheeset.

I think we have frightened the poor guy off.

I don't blame him.