Questions for the 'other women' out there

[crossroads1]

I have a few questions that I'd like perspective on... my ex left me after having an affair for the OW. He is still with her a few years later.

My question is for all those who have been In an affair but as the other woman.

Do you ever feel any remorse?
Do you feel like you 'won' the man?
do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship?
do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies?
Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started?

I'm trying to better myself by seeing this from another perspective... any help would be fab from those of you who have been 'the other woman'.

Yes, I was the other woman.

Do you ever feel any remorse? Yes. Lots.
Do you feel like you 'won' the man? Yes - to start with. Now I feel guilty (nearly 2 +1/2 years on)
do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship? Regularly. I would like to apologise for what I did but I think that I don’t want to be selfish and bring up the bad memories for her to make myself feel better.
do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies? Eeee. Yes and no. It’s been a difficult barrier to overcome.
Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started? Yes always very honest.

thx @FlorrieMango really interesting perspective...

Not singling you out at all here but you say you 'would like to apologise for what I did but I think that I don’t want to be selfish and bring up the bad memories for her to make myself feel better'... when the whole affair started was the urge to have the man too strong for you to stop?

I ask because it seems that ppl feel bad afterwards (I have never cheated and never would betray someones trust) but if you do have remorse clearly you have a conscience and a heart.. I wonder where the conscience was when the entire affair started..

My old uni friend was the other woman for a few years.

I never understood, I let the friendship fizzle out after a few months of her enthusiastically telling me about it. Definitely seen her in a different light.

This was my gist of what she was doing:

Do you ever feel any remorse?
She didn’t, she believed that she is the better woman and it was the wife’s fault for not being good enough
Do you feel like you 'won' the man?
Oh yes, she got the ‘prize’ but as far as I know they aren’t together now.
do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship?
She said she ‘felt bad’ in between the lustful recounts. I never once felt she was genuine in this aspect.
do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies?
Oh yes, she used to say that’s what she liked about him - that he had never even thought of doing it before and how special that made her feel 😐
Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started?
No she didn’t confess to any of her other friends during the affair, only me. I’m sure she wouldn’t have during the relationship.

I’m sorry you got hurt in one of the worst ways and you have/are rebuilt/ing yourself and your life as you only get one, dont waste it on two rotten eggs

Oh completely, I was young, 21, (amazing how much you can mature in 2.5 years) and very very selfish. I wanted him and he wanted me and quite frankly that’s what led us.

I wonder where it was during too, I wish I had given more thought to others throughout that whole period of my life. Whilst I feel so inexplicably bad and guilty, I love my partner with all my heart and can’t imagine life without him.

thx @Smythering

You touch upon something very interesting here... when the OW first came on the scene - they worked together - I was always sceptical. My ex did mention to me that the OW didn't really have many friends.. after the affair was exposed I started to think if I had a friend who was doing the same I would also see them in a different light, after all what does it say about their character?

Thank you for your kind words, I am trying to rebuild but I don't think the OW or ex ever realised the damage they have done. It is very hard for me to believe int he genuinity of ppl know. I didn't know ppl could be so cruel and callous. It really made me feel like a fool. Thats why I wanted to know the OW's pov...

@FlorrieMango you do show remorse. another question do you have many female friends? When you told your friends about what you were doing did they see you differently?

And you say you're very honest about how it started.. how do ppl react when you tell them that?

I work colleage who is 29 began an affair with a man 28 years older than her. They have been together 11 years. He goes to see her every evening. I assume his wife either doesnt know or knows but turns a blind eye.
I do not see the work colleague differently but I think he is disgusting. He is 56 and I think it was basically grooming as she had a difficult life and had lived alone from the age of 16.
I dont think it's the ows fault. They are usually manipulated and lied to.

Not lots of female friends. 3 very close ones whose opinion I would care for. 1 was disgusted, the other 2 were supportive and understanding as they knew it wasn’t purely sexually orientated.

Most people don’t react too badly, probably surprised at the honesty! I think the fact we are both young probably makes people not view is as badly as if we were older. (Not saying it should be that way - just how I feel people judge it) People have the usual comments ‘as long as you’re happy’ etc.

How we went about it was cruel and I just wish she was treated with more respect, but we can’t change the past.

Op - do you mean an OW in as in actually having an affair?
I’ve unwittingly been “a bit on the side” with one guy that honestly I didn’t give a shit about. He asked me out. I went. A few times. We had sex. He clearly felt guilty. I got suspicious so backed off. He wanted to meet at his (presuming more sex I guess). Someone rang (they spoke in a different language (he was Greek and she was Italian - he didn’t know that I knew a fair few words of both languages)... the penny dropped and I dropped him immediately.
But, the more complicated one is my “D” H. He was living with someone I never met who by all accounts sounded amazing. He was 23. I was 29. I was in a relationship that turned very violent very suddenly. DH was a friend (as I saw it). DH left his relationship (lived with her) to pursue me. Not sure if that counts but I feel awful because she knew it’d be me he’d be with next, though I personally didn’t have the faintest fucking idea he was interested.
I wasn’t interested in him. Then I was, and it was intense but we’d both been single (me by 24 hours, him by a few days). So part of me thinks was I an OW?
Either way, I’d never ever fuck a married man. Ever.
I could certainly be attracted to one. I’ve had several try it on with me (when I was old and married too, which I’ll never understand).
I think the “kindest” way to see it is that there is a mutual interest that becomes intense if not stamped on early. Then it’s great til reality hits. And then sometimes relationships aren’t great, both partners know but do nothing about changing it, then OM or OW comes along...
I’m a bit more tolerant of this than most people on here because I’ve never had my life upturned by some cunt trying to move on WHEN I had kids. I hate myself and my DH every day for when he actively pursued a relationship in front of me, tried to kick me out of our (marital) home etc.
But I guess if someone has that belief that what they want (so much) matters, no-one or nothing stops them,
I’m convinced my DH would leave us if he met someone “ interesting”.
I wouldn’t... buy only if the other person wasn’t married.
Don’t know if any of that helps

I was the OW. We moved in together after 5 weeks, so it wasn't a long affair - we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We got married and now have 2 children. I trust him completely - the issues that caused the breakdown of his first marriage are not present in our relationship. I don't feel a drop of remorse, I'm afraid - his first wife was awful to him before they separated and has behaved horrendously since their separation. She has long since lost any moral high ground she had. And if my husband hadn't left to be with me, he would have left to be with someone else - I'm not the reason that his first marriage ended.

And yes, we do tell people how we got together. Probably 75% of people don't give a shit now. Even people who raised an eyebrow initially accept us as a couple now we've been married a few years and have children together.

These threads always descend into a bun fight which is a shame but I'll give it a go.

I was the OW and he didn't leave. We are still in contact but the affair has ceased, though I feel it could start again in the future.

Did I feel remorse Sort of. Theoretically I knew what I was doing was terrible, but I struggled to ever picture or imagine her, and I was so happy and all I could think about was being with him.

did I win him no as he didn't leave, but even if he had no it wasn't about winning. I just wanted to be happy and I loved him.

did I think about what I'd done breaking up a relationship they didn't break up but I wanted it. And I could never get past imaging what/how he would tell her. I just couldn't imagine how she would feel as I didn't know her, I didn't know how she felt or what was going on.

would I trust him at the time yes absolutely I would have trusted if he'd left. Now that we have ended it I would trust him less if we got back together as he has hurt me once.

Telling the truth No. I told one friend while we were together but everyone else just new I was dating 'someone' who I said was divorced with a child. I knew it would cause more pain to tell the truth. This made the breakup very lonely, but I'm glad I didn't risk more relationships for the sake of having someone know.

@Krazynights34 'other woman' as in actively participating in an affair when the man is in a relationship and you know about it.

What makes It worse with me is that I had met the OW at one of his work events. The emotional abuse two ppl can cause if horrific. I can't tarnish everyone with the same brush but its clear that all cheaters are selfish.If you're unhappy just leave rather than constantly lying and betraying your partner.

Do you ever feel any remorse?
Yes. Two weeks into the affair, we both felt so guilty we ended it. He fessed up and continued to work on his marriage and family his wife. Ultimately, their relationship ended and we reunited once he had separated and moved out but I still feel a lot of remorse for my actions and role in their family breaking up.

Do you feel like you 'won' the man?
No. I compartmentalized the first two weeks of our relationship and never considered that we might have a real future. I constantly compare myself to the ex. I don't feel better than her in any way.

do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship?
Yes, constantly. Although I don't take the blame entirely. I did encourage him to try and work things out with his family, but that doesn't make me blameless. I do think that maybe I was a catalyst in their relationship breakdown.

do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies?
yes. I think people have affairs for different reasons (not always because they are shitty narcissistic socio paths) even though they are never "right."

Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started? Yes. Not proudly, but I am honest about it.

OP I could have written your post myself - but I am the abandoned wife and my ex is now married to OW.

OW is quite a bit younger than my ex (12 years) and I often wonder what OW thinks (if anything) now 6 years on from my ex leaving me for her.

My own children go to see my ex and OW every other weekend and some of the comments they make when they return make me think:

• OW has the total whip hand in her relationship with my ex - I conjecture because she suspects there was a time when my ex realised (infront of OW) that he had totally and utterly burned all bridges with me and I would never ever have him back.

So OW is quite "powerful" and gets her way on everything (the opposite of my relationship with my ex for the 14 years we were together - it was much more equal.

For example my ex has given hear literally everything OW asks for from living right next to OW's parents (his new inlaws) to the massive wedding, massive jewellery, numerous random pets OW wants, exotic holidays to destinations OW wants to go to, and yes they now have a 15 month old baby together and OW does not work (i returned to work 6 months after both of my two children were born).

All of this could not be further from how my ex and I used to live.

BUT - my children also report the very same temper tantrums my ex has reasonably regularly with OW and generally - all of which sounds very familiar.

My ex and I are totally estranged so I do not have PROOF of this but now years have gone by I have moved on in processing it and I think

• sounds like the honeymoon period is over
• sounds like my ex is becoming more of a grumpy old man every day and OW is going to have to look after him the older he gets
• there is a price to be paid for running off with someone else's spouse - I dont know about your case but in my case I think OW must be very conscious of the very large age gap and that she is young and beautiful and he is an aging grumpy grey haired old man.

And I think - karma.

And although I dont know whether OW regrets it or how much she trusts my ex, but I also think there is a chance in the future my ex will leave the OW and go off with someone else. A leopard never changes its spots etc.

Just my take on it if ive understood your own position accurately.

You might never find out how the OW in your situation feels - but even if you do not, there are always eventually consequences.

@StoneColdBitch how do you know his wife treated him badly before he separated? did you ever think he was feeding you lies to make her look bad?

The idea of being the OW frankly frightens me but I can imagine myself as a romantic young woman (a girl), being mesmerised by a married man and believing whatever he told me, eventually being hurt of course.

There are women who quite like having a married man because it means they don't have the day to day domestic life and every meeting is because it is mutually desired, and enjoyable. No strings and they don't want him to leave his wife or for her to know.

It's not the OW's fault if your ex is a lying cheat. Your ex is the one who should have been faithful.

I was the OW once but I didn't know. Dumped him when I found out. I have no regrets since his cheating really wasn't my fault. The only thing that I would do differently now is yhat I'd tell her. I was talked out of it by friends because they thought I'd only tell on him out of some kind of revenge. Looking back I really don't feel revengeful but still think I should have told her somehow.

I was the OW - well sort of

He was married, I wasn't
We liked each other, I made it clear to him I was not going to be his bit on the side

Next day he left his wife and turned up on my doorstep
We were together 15 years
I still feel shit about him ending his marriage though, always did tbh

Sorry if this is off the topic a bit, but you ask about what people were feeling when the affair started. There are as many different starts to affairs as there are people. And it is often not a conscious decision. It's a series of little concessions, of yields to intimacy. And it builds. Nothing is strictly happening, it's all ok. And the relationship deepens, almost like you both live in a vacuum. Feelings intensify and then you realise you are having an affair. It's potent. And I honestly think we are all vulnerable to the possibility of being the OW at some stage in our lives.

Of course, there are men who set out to have sex outside of marriage and women who perceive that to be alluring, but I genuinely think that's a minority.

hi @Bubblebu thank you so much for your insight and I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.

my situation was I was with the ex for nearly 6 years on the verge of getting engaged. no kids or anything involved but his callousness in the way he treated me still stings.

it is also funny how you mention the OW and her high maintenance, random pets, jewellery etc. 6 months before I learnt about the affair the ex had bought me a puppy. Fast forward to 6 months into his relationship he also bought her a puppy. Im surprised they have lasted this long but it does make you question yourself - the is she better than me etc questions, it hurts

@rorosemary the OW knew about me, she had even met me, yet they both still persisted. I am not denying his disgusting behaviour, to me he is the most awful type of human being but she also played a part, she knew he was going to propose to me yet they both still persisted.

If you are unaware that the person you're seeing is committed that is a totally diff story. BUT if you know all about the gf/wife and have met them and yet still go ahead what kind of a person are you?

Name changed for obvious reasons as this will turn into a bun fight and I value MN for lots of reasons. But I was the OW and am now engaged. So to answer your questions.

Do you ever feel any remorse?
Yes. Frequently.

Not about our relationship because we're generally very happy.

(I'm not going to do that oh we're meant to be and it's the biggest love story of our time thing that so many OWs do, it's a relationship, it has ups and downs, but I love him dearly and cherish our relationship).

But I do feel great remorse about how our relationship started. I hate the idea that I could cause someone else pain, and regardless of the state of their marriage (not good) I deeply regret that our relationship started so dishonestly.

And to answer your question up thread about remorse coming afterwards, I felt deep guilt at the time. I kicked him to the curb and said he had to do the right thing, and walked out of his life. He left and now we are together but it doesn't change how it started.

In the moment it is difficult because you very much disassociate yourself from that other family life and focus on your budding relationship, but I felt guilt all the time which is why I ended it (constantly week in week out when we were cheating and then permanently until he left).

Do you feel like you 'won' the man?

No. It was never a competition. It was desperately sad and stressful. I love the man, and I can't deny that I am happy we're together, but I take no joy from the circumstances.

do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship?
Yes. Often.

do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies?

Honestly, yes I do. Insofar as I understand the issues that led to the breakdown of his marriage (which in his mind was over loooong before he met me) and we don't have the same problems.

Communication was the biggest issue, that and resentment. That said, clearly he is capable of cheating when he is unhappy and has detached.

So there is a question over whether he would cheat on me if he was unhappy and of course, it's possible.

But I think he's learnt from it - he was deeply miserable and guilty, so I hope he would leave rather than cheat.

And we have therapy to work on all these issues, build trust, and keep our communication strong. So I hope and trust that he won't.

In all honesty, I believe anyone is capable of cheating given the right set of circumstances (which doesn't at all mean I condone it. I wish more than anything that OH had been brave enough to leave rather than cheating to escape) so I'm no more or less worried than I would be in another relationship.

Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started?

Some people know but I don't yell it from the rooftops. Neither of us think it's something to be proud of.

I guess I was the OW, and he was the OM... but by the time we met both of our relationships were already in a broken state.
We met on one of the married dating sites.

So - I didn’t feel remorse and neither did/does he. We didn’t somehow lead each other astray...
No - there wasn’t a winning. There wasn’t a competition.
No - both relationships were pretty broken, as I said. His partner, my partner had a lot to do with it, and maybe each of us individually did as well. Relationships don’t always work out.
Trust - yes. And we are also quite aware of the fact that communication is important too. And we don’t want to allow our relationship end up broken like our previous ones did.
Yes and no - Close friends know our history, yes. Others get a more socially acceptable story.

OP - it’s not about OW at all. Best thing you can do is just move on.

Oh and what @StoneColdBitch says is not uncommon in my (sadly lengthy) time of processing my ex abandoning me.
I absolutely believe in the majority of these situations the spouse walking out has already emotionally engaged with the OW through a vivid picture of the abandoned wife being an unbearable person to live with where actually that is not true.
But it is going to be 100% in the OW's interests to believe every word of that because then there is no need whatsoever to have any remore or introspection on the OW's own actions and the inevitable (and often enormous) pain she was part of with the spouse who left.
This is common. In my case I have never spoken to or had any communication with the OW and I have only seen photos of her (she was a work colleague with my ex at the time) so I will never know but some of the comments my children make on return from their father make it clear that there is definitely trouble in paradise and where OW was very keen to be perfect in all ways in the early days, now she has tipped the scales of power in her relationship with my ex and my ex is having to work much much harder to keep her.

Having said that, apart from the fall out for my own children which they have to witness when they visit him, I tell myself there is no point expending too much of my own energy speculating.

I have a nice new home, a great relationship with my two kids (which my ex husband never had nor now has with the 2 kids I had with him) and he is now in the throws of sleepless nights, nappies, etc that a young baby toddler/has at (for him) a relatively old age. He will not be relishing that.
Whether my ex husband's OW wife decided she had "won" him and she was the "better" woman I do not know - she was very young when they met so I would not be surprised. Whether she still processes it and justifies it that way I will never know.

It's going back a while but..,

Did you ever feel any remorse? No, never.
Did you feel like you 'won' the man? No. There was no intention to keep him. We were just entertaining each other along the way.
Do you ever think about... breaking up a relationship? No. Their golden wedding celebrations were posted online.
Would I trust a partner knowing the relationship started on lies? I wouldn't trust any one of them, ever. Even the loveliest, sweetest 'I love my wife, we have a nice life' husband has shown an interest in 'spending some time' with me. You can't trust them at all.
Do you ever tell people the truth... Only my side of it. The rest is not my business.

Do I regret it? Not really. I decided that one affair was enough and I wouldn't do it again. I've had a fine life taking the moral high ground but really, I'd have preferred to be taking the cock. If there's a next time, I'll commit myself to pleasures of the flesh, see how that goes.

So, young women, an old woman is telling you... if it feels good, do it...organise your own career, housing, children, don't rely on a man... support each other, it will make us strong... have bloody good lives and be happy.

There endeth the lesson according to @teeth.