Questions for the 'other women' out there

[crossroads1]

I have a few questions that I'd like perspective on... my ex left me after having an affair for the OW. He is still with her a few years later.

My question is for all those who have been In an affair but as the other woman.

Do you ever feel any remorse?
Do you feel like you 'won' the man?
do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship?
do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies?
Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started?

I'm trying to better myself by seeing this from another perspective... any help would be fab from those of you who have been 'the other woman'.

Yes. After the breakdown of a 9 year relationship, I was single and I had an affair with a married man. It lasted about 18 months.

He was someone I had slept with a handful of time many moons ago (not strictly an ex as we weren't in a relationship). Back then when we first met, I was infatuated with him, head over heels in love. But I stopped sleeping with him when I realised he wasn't interested in settling down with anyone and he was enjoying single life and casual sex.

We remained friends but drifted apart, and our friendship became the odd "How are you?" text a few times a year. He got married and had 2 children, and I met someone.. but I always wondered what would have been with him.

Our "How are you?" texts continued for years whilst he was married and whilst I was in a relationship. They were innocent and just friendly. Nothing more to it.. but for some reason, I never let my partner know about him, and he never let his wife know about me.

Then my 9 year relationship broke down and our texts became more and more frequent. He began calling me on his way to/from work. He would complain, almost daily about things his wife did. Said they hadn't had sex in years.
He supported me whilst I was going through that crap time in my life, but when I look back on it now, he took advantage of me when I was most vulnerable. He suggested we meet. This excited me. The man I had always been in love with wanted me.

We met up and had sex. At the time, it made me feel good to be wanted, especially by someone I had never been able to get out of my head. I was clearly still in love with him.

Our texts and calls increased. He began making excuses to pop to the supermarket so he could call me. We would sext when we couldn't meet up. He would take A/L from work and come spend the day at mine. While he was with me, I was happy, when it was time for him to go home to his wife and kids, it left me feeling sad and cold.

I don't know what I thought was going to happen between us. I didn't get involved with the hopes that he'd leave his wife for me.
I guess at the time I was incredibly insecure due to the breakdown of my 9 year relationship and suddenly having all this attention from the man I had always loved.. it made me feel better.

However, after a while.. I realised I had put this man on a pedestal all those years ago, and actually the real thing wasn't quite the fantasy I had imagined. I enjoyed spending time with him, and the sex was good, but I realised he wasn't this God that I had let slip away many years ago.
I started online dating and met someone else. The man I had been having the affair with was pretty gutted. We maintained contact, but it went back to the infrequent and innocent "How are you?" texts.

Fast forward 5 years. I am in an established relationship.
I have no feelings now for the man I had the affair with. We probably text each other once or twice a year just to say hello, but from my side, it's completely platonic now. However, he did text me last year saying that whilst we were seeing each other he had considered leaving his wife. It actually made me cringe. Years and years ago, when I held him in such high regard, this news would have been something I had wanted to hear.. but after the affair, when I realised he was not the answer to my prayers.. the thought of him leaving his wife for me made me shudder. I no longer wanted him! It was as if the tables had turned.

Do you ever feel any remorse? Not really. I don't know his wife. I know that I should feel remorse, but I don't. I do have a strong conscious, but for some reason it never kicked in here. I think I had a irrational dislike for his wife because she got the man I had always wanted. Turns out after the affair I realised I didn't actually want him.

Do you feel like you 'won' the man? Kind of, but that's not why I got involved with him. I wasn't trying to win him. I was seeking comfort during a difficult time. He provided sex, which at then time felt like comfort, but in reality, I think he was taking advantage of my vulnerability.

Do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship? They are still married.

Do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies? N/A.. we aren't together.

Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started? No one else knows we had the affair.

When my DP and I got together, we were both in long term relationship - me for 17yrs, him for 26yrs.

My marriage had reached its conclusion before DP and I met, and my husband and I are reached a stage where we were in an open relationship, where we would see other people while living together. Now DP told me that was also the case with his relationship and I chose to believe him.

Three months in, he tells me he can’t be with me and has to give his partner and family his all. I was heartbroken but fully supportive. We cut all contact, and didn’t see each other. Their attempt at mending their relationship lasted just under two weeks. It was a long time dead, they were both incredibly unhappy, and that was it for them. He moved out of the family home two weeks later, and got back in touch with me. We’ve been together ever since, so almost two years from when we first met.

His ex knows about me, but doesn’t know how long we’ve been together. When he told her he had a gf (ahead of telling the children), she was surprised as she somehow thought that a gf meant less seeing of the children, etc. His children will always be his priority, and he is a better parent now than he ever was before. He has them almost 50% of the time, and we fit our relationship around their needs. I have only recently met the children too, as we didn’t want to rush that.

Do you ever feel any remorse? Yes, because I knew deep down that their relationship wasn’t officially over.

Do you feel like you 'won' the man? No, because we were never in “competition”.

do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship? I didn’t break up their relationship. It was already damaged beyond repair. I may have been the catalyst, in a way, but it would have happened sooner or later.

do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies? Yes, I do. The relationship we have is very different from what he had and even what I had. We know that should we ever be in that position again, we would talk to each other without fear of recrimination or judgement before the rot sets in.

Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started? Yes, if appropriate. My close friends and family know. I have been met with some adverse reactions and I understand why. However, for the most part they are supportive of me, as I was always very honest about it, and reserve their judgment for him. He was the one that cheated and lied, not me.

Do you ever feel any remorse?
I don't feel great about the way it happened, but I don't regret the outcome.

Do you feel like you 'won' the man?
I didn't see it as a contest. I never asked him to leave. He left because he wanted to.

do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship?
Not really, not anymore. It's been 12 very happy years and two lovely children so far. It wasn't for nothing. His exW remarried fairly swiftly and is, as far as I know, very happy. She now has a child too

do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies?
I was engaged when we met and he trusts me. Why should he be any less trustworthy?

Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started?
Of course. I don't wear a sandwich board but when asked how we met I'm honest. I'm not going to try and sanitise our actions. We had an affair. Real life isn't always pretty and neat.

My DH is not a sleazy bastard - he has slept with precisely two women, his wives. If anyone is the shagger, it's me! I think we were both in "alright" relationships, we both hadn't known anything else was possible until we met. We fell headlong in love and while in a perfect world we would have resisted each other, I'm fucking glad we didn't. I'm not about to regret my kids and over a decade of marriage.

Imagine looking across at your partner and knowing that he cheated on his family, his wife and children to be with you.

Grim as fuck.

I was the OW twice when I was younger (early 20s) - both men 30.

One was at Uni, I had a BF and he was engaged to his GF. He was a ‘mature’ PHD student and living in halls with a bunch of undergrads so didn’t seem ready to grow up. I fancied the pants off him and had drifted away from my BF since leaving for uni, so ended up getting into a few drunken scrapes with other men, and this one just kept happening again and again.

In the end I felt guilty and finished with my BF. I hoped he might do the same, but he didn’t. I think that scared him a bit, as now he had something to lose and I didn’t.

I ended up moving on to a violent and nasty piece of work, so I think maybe my boundaries were a bit skewed.

I did feel guilty as his GF would come along to parties etc, so I had to pretend we were just friends, but she was 30 and seemed old and unglamorous to me, (a Spritely and lithe 21 year old) so I guess I sort of saw why he (or at least his ego) liked me.

I don’t think I ever saw it as winning him, but I did used to dream about us being together properly, like it was the right outcome. I was very disappointed when he stayed with her, but I consoled myself that he wasn’t happy, and was going to be pressured into marriage and kids with someone he clearly wasn’t 100% committed to.

Similar thing in a similar situation a few years later. In the end when it became clear he wasn’t leaving her, I moved abroad to work as a holiday rep. I remember him saying when I told him “would it make a difference if I told you I loved you?” A clever way of NOT actually saying he loved me!

Now I’m older I can see it more from the other side, but in those days I was quite self centred. I certainly wouldn’t have entertained a married man, especially one with kids, but engagement just seemed like a glorified boyfriend:girlfriend situation to me then.

@Greeneyes78

Imagine looking across at your partner and knowing that he cheated on his family, his wife and children to be with you.

Grim as fuck.

A helpful contribution and definitely what the OP asked for.

She asked, we answered. If you find that grim, I suggest you hide the thread.

I'm in this situation now and I can tell you that it's stressful and shit and I've cried so much since this relationship started and I often wish I'd never met him.

Do you ever feel any remorse?

Yes. I've felt guilty since the beginning. I encouraged him to speak to her about his relationship to try to repair it and to see his attraction to me as an opportunity to improve his marriage. Then when he said he couldn't, I encouraged him to see a counsellor, which he did for a few sessions before it got too difficult and he quit.

I broke it off a few times because of the guilt about his wife but he always managed to persuade me to carry on. Mostly because he told me how much he loved me and I was foolish enough to believe it. I told him that cheating was a red line for me but I thought we had something special and had a future together.

Do you feel like you 'won' the man?
I haven't because he won't leave her. I found out recently that I'm the third person he's cheated with and his wife found out about the other twos and stayed with him. He knows she would be devastated to find out about me and has no intention of that happening. He hasn't been very careful though and has taken risks including inviting me to their house while she is out and could return.

do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship?
I haven't broken up the relationship but when I thought he would leave to be with me, I felt sorry for him for being in a loveless marriage and that I would be rescuing him and giving him the connection he'd always craved. I now realise that there is only an element of truth in this. He never had any intention of being with me.

I also hoped that it would release his wife from an unhappy marriage and give her a chance to make a new life too. I have no idea whether she suspects and turns a blind eye but I'd be amazed if she's happy. I know I feel very jealous of the time they spend together and then feel guilty about that.

do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies?
No but this has only really been the case since I discovered I was the latest in a pattern of infidelity. It's put a whole different complexion on the relationship and it isn't the love story between us that I thought it was. I feel quite confused about it all really. It was a third party who told me and it was a shock.

Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started?
A few people know but mostly not as I'm ashamed of it. I ring the Samaritans a lot to talk about it anonymously. I don't know what I will say to future partners who ask about my previous relationships as I would be afraid of being judged for it.

Do you ever feel any remorse? Occasionally but not often. I feel bad in a general sense at the knowledge that I was involved in another's sadness, but I felt (and still mostly feel to this day) that the one who owed his fiancé respect was him, not me, a random stranger who owed no loyalty to anyone. (there were no kids involved)

Do you feel like you 'won' the man? No, I was never competing for him

do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship? N/A, she did find out about me but chose to forgive him immediately

do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies? Whilst we never got into a formal relationship he would often tell me he loved me more than her and that I was better than her, etc. I never believed him when he said such things.

Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started? Yes, my close friends and family know I was an OW. They also know I was single, young and vulnerable so they don't judge me for it

@MarkRuffaloCrumble I definitely wouldn't have gone there if kids had been involved.

I forgot to add that I would never consider being an OW again, the pain it causes people is not worth it and now that I am older and more self-assured I would never find the advances of a married man attractive, it would repulse me

Damn, this thread is a depressing read.

@crossroads1 Oh and I have to agree with PP's- some of the men tell a lot of lies to all women about the condition of their marriage etc. The latest playbook seems to be to tell women they have a 'sexless marriage' and separate rooms, when it isn't true.

Do you ever feel any remorse? No she treated him awfully his children (adults) confirm this

Do you feel like you 'won' the man? I didn't set out to win him, I fell in love with him

do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship? No if she treated him well, he wouldn't have left

do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies? Yes, he cheated because he was so unhappy

Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started? No one else's business

My friend is the OW. I say friend, but have since cooled the friendship as I find it very awkward to discuss her relationship, because as a friend I want to be understanding but my natural instinct is horror and shock. I genuinely am baffled that she's in this situation, as she's young, gorgeous, intelligent, successful, very loving family - and he's a LOT older, clearly a colossal bell end, manipulative and not near as successful as she is. They don't even have any hobbies in common. He isn't even attractive fgs, not that should matter, but I cannot fathom WHY she is 'with' him. I don't think it's so much love rather than sunk cost fallacy, and clearly some daft notion that they are meant to be.

Do you ever feel any remorse? She doesn't even think of his DP (of 20+ years), other than to wonder why she hasn't left him, as it must be obvious he's cheating. So she has decided that the DP knows and is ok with it....He told her they've been distant for years and are only together for the kids. She also likes to think the DP may have her own lover (I doubt it).

Do you feel like you 'won' the man? She hasn't fully won him yet. It's been a slog of 5 years that he's been promising her he'll leave, and has only just agreed. She did break up with him for a year, but then missed him so much got back together, and he still didn't leave. Jesus. But she's so all consumed by getting him to be with her, she's lost all humanity. So yes, it is now just about winning. Something to show for her years on him.

do you ever think about what you did breaking up a relationship? Nope. She already feels resentful of his kids because he's delaying the leaving process for them. And I'm shocked at how little empathy she has for them.

do you trust your partner knowing that the relationship started on lies? She's aware he's a liar given how many years he's been promising to leave. But for some reason still wants to stay with him, and has said she knows he could cheat on her too.

Do you ever tell people the truth about how your relationship started? A few of her friends know. She told her mum who was horrified but had to support her, and convinced her to end things. But she hasn't told her mum she's back with him, and is waiting till they finally move in together. He hasn't told his friends and family and I don't think he ever will.