Is he trying to antagonise me or is he brain dead?

[Mightyjungle]

These are the things DH has done since Friday evening to piss me off. Either, he's trying to antagonise me, he's brain dead, or I'm an unreasonable bitch.
What do you think?

1. He points out that he's being treated unfairly by me because I point out that he doesn't clear up after himself and he says hes offended because I tell him to clean up after himself more than I do the toddler and the 5 year old 😳.

2. on a family day out he walks around in a world of his own, like a complete zombie whilst I chase around after the toddler, answer never ending questions from the 5 year old whilst he walks off in some sort of trance.

3. As the toddler makes a break for it on the car park I have to remind DH to hold his hand as DH lets go of it in another weird trance.

4. we get to the car and he ignores the 2 children running around the car to take his own coat and wellies off, I am trying to get 2 kids in the car, get their wellies and coats off, whilst he sees to himself.

5. He then gets in the car after I tell him to "help me with the fucking kids" and as I'm bending down to unfasten my shoes and finally see to himself, starts the exhaust and I'm filled with a face full of exhaust fumes. By this point I'm telling him that I hate spending time with him and feel like a bitch but completely at the end of my tether.

6. we arrive at the pub for dinner on the way home because I'm not fucking cooking after the day I've had and after ordering from the allergen menu for the toddler, he forgets said allergen and decides to try and give him food off his plate that contains said allergen. He had "forgot" that the food contains this allergen.

7. Sunday morning, the children have swimming lessons so I take them because I haven't seen them swim for months and ask DH to clean the bedrooms and bathroom as I usually do this on a Sunday afternoon but he wants to go cycling with friends so I wont be able to as I will have DCs. However, he has a long bath first, nips to the shops, visits his sister and leaves 30 minutes to do the cleaning.

8. I go upstairs once he has left for cycling and see that everything that was on the floor in bedrooms is piled high up on the beds, toys, chairs, dolls houses, train sets, everything. Because he's had to vacumm. The landing is strewn with shampoo bottles, razers, soap etc where he's cleaned the shelves in the bathroom and left everything that is on the shelves all over the floor of the landing.

9. I enter the utility room and he's kindly split the washing into 4 loads strewn all over the floor, seemingly leaving them for me to wash in the space of one afternoon looking after 2 young kids when he could have just left all the clothes in the washing basket. So I spend another 5 minutes scooping up all the colour coded piles of dirty clothes to put back in the laundry basket.

10. I've had enough by 10pm on Sunday and write on the family calender that next weekend,I'm having a cleaning day and he's got the kids. He's come in from work this evening, seen it and requested I change it to another day as he would like to go cycling.

I want to move out.
AIBU?!

I'm exhausted just reading that, never mind thinking of having to live it!!

Posted too early, when do you get any down time?

I honestly am starting to think men do this on purpose so you/we kick them out and they can act like wounded party 😖

Sounds really annoying. I think he must be brain dead. Has he always been like this?

I really hope this isn't light-hearted because you've got yourself a total shit there.

Is this a regular thing?

Parenting small children is relentless. You need to have a team mentality. He sounds like he's checked out.

Unless he's having some sort of breakdown or medical issue that accounts for this I want to leave. Unfortunately you then may have to hand over the children to his sole care.

I know of women who've put up with this kinda crap then walked when the youngest had more common sense than the Dad.

What is the point of him? Sounds like a selfish, thoughtless bellend.

This is the classic " I'll do a rubbish job of it so she wont ask me again "
So glad I'm single

Has he got some sort of processing issue? From the way you write, it comes across as he cant organise himself in ways other people can. The trance, forgetfulnes and disorganized way in approaching tasks would make me think he has some sort of processing disorder.

Possibly a processing disorder. I have thought this a few times. He has very slow reaction times too.
Sorry to drip feed but I also forgot to mention that when I snapped at him about his "man child behaviour" last night, I perhaps went too far and also called him a "waste of space" he then called me a "cunt."

@AldiIsla as you describe, I am waiting for the toddler to have more common sense before starting a new life without him again. He thinks the world of DCs, but seems to have some form of cognitive Disorder that leaves me worrying about his ability to care for them.

Does he manage to work and do his hobbies ok, or does this ‘cognitive disorder’ only hit when it comes to housework and childcare?

He manages to just about wing it at work. He likes to impress.
Which seems to earn him brownie points. Also he's a Mr Helpful in the work place, so might be late with deadlines now and then but valued for fixing the odd PC, offering lifts when cars break down, being agreeable with management. But he does have to be spoken to now and then regarding time keeping and for the state of his desk.

He plays a good game in his working life overall.

My SIL works with him so she often tells me what he's like at work!

Sounds like my DH who has been very good at zoning out when he's with small children. He just seems to be able to not hear what's going on. He used to tell me that I 'fussed' and 'nagged' too much.

He just didn't seem to realise that you need to anticipate with small children. It is no use grabbing their hand after they've run into the road, or waiting until they were screaming hungry before starting to make food! I also didn't realise that by me constantly picking up the mess - he could never really see the result of his behaviour.

Anyway, cut a long story short - in lockdown he was furloughed and I carried on working. So I shut myself in a room and got on with my job as chaos reigned downstairs.

After a few weeks, and few accidents (youngest falling down stairs while dh was 'zoned out/staring at phone' gave him a shock), a huge reduction in quality of food and cleaning of house and him losing most of his things, because I wasn't constantly tidying up.. he started to get the hang of things.

Lockdown was the best thing for us because it forced him to step up AND me to step back. Maybe leave his mess on the floor and don't do the washing - it might give him a wakeup call to get him out of a trance, when he runs out of clean clothes and can't find any of his stuff?

Can he remember things from during the trance.?
Dd's bf had a form of epilepsy that caused episodes of 'absences'..
Or maybe he is just a twat..

@fuschiamum interesting to read how your family dynamic changed during lockdown. It's great that your DH managed to change his behaviour for the better.
Mine goes through episodes of being really switched on and helpful and then similarly to this weekend, becomes unbelievably avoidant and obstructive. I'm not sure if he's choosing to behave this or there is actually something wrong.

@sunnydaysstillhere it's not like an epileptic trance as he easily snaps out of it, it's like he walks around in a day dream. He is a dreamer by nature and will become absorbed in his surroundings (which is lovely in some ways) but an absolute disaster on an outing with young DCs.

My DHs behaviour is sometimes linked to him being tired which makes him a bit anxious. Zoning out is a way of coping. I do the opposite when I am tired - I over organise.
So I guess for us there is an element of choice and and element we can't help, but could manage better.

My DH is also very switched on with the kids if anyone else is watching (friends, other family etc). So I know he can control his zoning out if he wants to!

I’d have killed him by now

@fuschiamum mine is the same when in company, particularly in the company of his own parents (always keen to impress them). He lets himself go around my DM though, not sure what all that's about, but he behaves in his zombie-like self around her.
He knows I confide in her though, so perhaps doesn't feel a need to pretend.

I'm angry reading that. He sounds like a prick.

My husband is like this. Has a nice stroll round the shop while I'm left with the toddler. Was the same with the other children. I will say right have you got him? I want to look at something. He will just let him go and he's walking off, so I don't ever get to look at anything.
This evening I cooked and did all the washing up thinking he can do bath and bedtime. No he announced he was going for a shit so I did everything

Has he always been liek this?or is it him just checking out of family life? It would drive me fucking crazy. Tbh he sounds a bit simple (for want of a better phrase). I do wonder if he could have something going on like Adhd?

But regardless he need to manage this either by getting help if it is an actual condition like adhd or just sorting himself out. As it's completely unfair to leave you to do all of the child and household work.

Some people's stress reaction will be to zone out. You shout at him and he is bewildered because he doesn't anticipate the issues. He needs to be left to it, regularly. He needs to look after the children by himself. Then he will know the issues better. Start going out and leaving him to look after the children. Although I would suggest in the house at first if he can't even remember to hold their hands!

I was a single mum of two young kids before I met DH and that was easier than this sounds. At least I could just get on with things without someone frustrating me the whole time. He isn't your responsibility to chivvy along/look after, he's supposed to be your partner to help you.

Is it possible to sit him down and have a serious chat, explain to him that this isn't working for you and you can't put up with it. Then if he can't change his behaviour I would leave. You are basically doing it all alone anyway.