Is he trying to antagonise me or is he brain dead?

[Mightyjungle]

These are the things DH has done since Friday evening to piss me off. Either, he's trying to antagonise me, he's brain dead, or I'm an unreasonable bitch.
What do you think?

1. He points out that he's being treated unfairly by me because I point out that he doesn't clear up after himself and he says hes offended because I tell him to clean up after himself more than I do the toddler and the 5 year old 😳.

2. on a family day out he walks around in a world of his own, like a complete zombie whilst I chase around after the toddler, answer never ending questions from the 5 year old whilst he walks off in some sort of trance.

3. As the toddler makes a break for it on the car park I have to remind DH to hold his hand as DH lets go of it in another weird trance.

4. we get to the car and he ignores the 2 children running around the car to take his own coat and wellies off, I am trying to get 2 kids in the car, get their wellies and coats off, whilst he sees to himself.

5. He then gets in the car after I tell him to "help me with the fucking kids" and as I'm bending down to unfasten my shoes and finally see to himself, starts the exhaust and I'm filled with a face full of exhaust fumes. By this point I'm telling him that I hate spending time with him and feel like a bitch but completely at the end of my tether.

6. we arrive at the pub for dinner on the way home because I'm not fucking cooking after the day I've had and after ordering from the allergen menu for the toddler, he forgets said allergen and decides to try and give him food off his plate that contains said allergen. He had "forgot" that the food contains this allergen.

7. Sunday morning, the children have swimming lessons so I take them because I haven't seen them swim for months and ask DH to clean the bedrooms and bathroom as I usually do this on a Sunday afternoon but he wants to go cycling with friends so I wont be able to as I will have DCs. However, he has a long bath first, nips to the shops, visits his sister and leaves 30 minutes to do the cleaning.

8. I go upstairs once he has left for cycling and see that everything that was on the floor in bedrooms is piled high up on the beds, toys, chairs, dolls houses, train sets, everything. Because he's had to vacumm. The landing is strewn with shampoo bottles, razers, soap etc where he's cleaned the shelves in the bathroom and left everything that is on the shelves all over the floor of the landing.

9. I enter the utility room and he's kindly split the washing into 4 loads strewn all over the floor, seemingly leaving them for me to wash in the space of one afternoon looking after 2 young kids when he could have just left all the clothes in the washing basket. So I spend another 5 minutes scooping up all the colour coded piles of dirty clothes to put back in the laundry basket.

10. I've had enough by 10pm on Sunday and write on the family calender that next weekend,I'm having a cleaning day and he's got the kids. He's come in from work this evening, seen it and requested I change it to another day as he would like to go cycling.

I want to move out.
AIBU?!

I'm not sure what to say but some men in my family behave in a similar fashion especially out on trips somewhere. Could you agree in the car that you each be responsible for one child ? Even spell it out to him that he mustn't wander off and must focus on the child especially around the road. I'm not sure what the reasons are behind him doing this but I'd say it's probably a mix of his inbuilt character and struggling with focus and also an attitude that he's not responsible for the kids whilst your there. I think he could do better.

He could definitely do much better. You're supposed to be a team and he's basically checked out of that. He sounds useless.

Mine used to zone out when he was supposed to be looking after our child. But then he didn't see childcare or family life as his responsibility and was expert at the learned helplessness that some men adopt to avoid stepping up.

I am not sure talking to him will make much difference with this behaviour. He will do what he wants to do and you are contributing to the dynamic by managing his irresponsibility which is a complete drain on your precious energy and self defeating. You can't change other people but you can change your behaviour.

Perhaps organising a schedule that gives you time away from your children regularly and forces him to take responsibility would be more effective? This would mean you letting go of worrying about what he is and isn't doing and having to manage him. Do you think he would really let your children come to harm? If you think he would, then time to do something about the whole relationship.

@plussizejumpsuit Tbh he sounds a bit simple (for want of a better phrase). I do wonder if he could have something going on like Adhd?

You really couldn't find a better phrase? Genuinely? Because that is an incredibly offensive thing to have said. You need to take a hard look at yourself here, because that was inexcusable.

I'd be taking the wheels off his bike and hiding them until you've finished your cleaning day.

God I fucking hate cycling so so much. My DH is a cyclist and it wastes so much of the weekend. I wish it was made illegal.

I could feel my blood pressure rising as I was reading your post OP. He’s not even passively not helping, he’s actively making things worse - like emptying shelves onto the floor and piling stuff onto the kids’ beds and then fucking off, leaving you to sort it. I don’t know how you haven’t killed him yet.

Very telling that he can step up and be Mr On-the-Case around his boss and his parents. That shows that his behaviour is a choice. Why does he want to impress his parents and boss, but isn’t bothered about impressing you or your mum?

Omg. I totally recognise this. At the moment we are having lots of 'talks' as dh is going through a hard time with various things, and needs my help and support. He wants to see me smile again, and obviously I would like to smile myself, but when you've been worn down by the things you describe, you can't just brush it off. I have tried to not react to any of this type of stuff he does and your partner does, trying to keep the peace. But now if I so much as mention the reasons I might have been a bit annoyed over the years, he says he doesn't want to go over things from the past and we have to look to the future. Arrrrrrghh!!!!!
Never mind the time at our eldest son's birthday bowling party when our youngest was lost for a couple of minutes and dh started shouted and bawling at my sister for not watching him (while dh was sitting out of the way at the bar with a pint), the times he's ruined days out because he's bored and wants to go home, the countless times I've took the kids to the park on my own and got home to absolutely nothing done, the times he's been off work and lazed around the house when there is loads he could do so I don't have to when I get in from work, him telling me to enjoy my gym class and then when I get home the kids are hungry and haven't been in the bath so I'm doing it all again, I could go on.
Anyway, sorry, just joining in the rant! I would show him this thread and maybe that would wake him up. I honestly think some men just don't realise what shits they're being and they need it spelled out in front of them

[quote Mightyjungle]@fuschiamum mine is the same when in company, particularly in the company of his own parents (always keen to impress them). He lets himself go around my DM though, not sure what all that's about, but he behaves in his zombie-like self around her.
He knows I confide in her though, so perhaps doesn't feel a need to pretend.[/quote]
So it's a choise he is making, if he can switch on/off. No matter the cause, unless he steps up you have three dc to care for.

This sounds so hard, bet you are exhausted! What does he say when you talk to him about this?

He should be on your side and you should be a team. You shouldn’t have to nag him to pull his weight, it’s his home too and his kids too! I’d be tempted to just stop doing stuff for him. If he leaves things on the floor then I’d just leave them there! Stop bailing him out. He’s gotten used to you picking up after him, you being the one sorting out the kids and there aren’t any consequences to his actions.

@Plussizejumpsuit defending yourself, I think you nailed it perfectly
Or perhaps the actions of this op's waste of space husband.

Up to OP what to do about it.

@plussizejumpsuit I'm glad you didn't mean anything by it, but you really need to think more carefully - as someone with ADHD i absolutely found that offensive. Saying someone is acting a bit simple might be funny (i wouldn't think so but many might), but saying "he sounds simple, have you considered that he might have ADHD" directly implies that SEN makes people thick. It's a stereotype that is everywhere and makes life much, much harder for people with SEN. We don't need the phone call coming from within the house as well.

It bears remembering that people on the internet don't know about your background, or your personal situation, they only know what you put out there about yourself, and when you put things like that, you're giving people an impression of yourself that i think you'd probably dislike.

I'm not looking to be outraged, or ignoring the bad behaviour of OP's husband (i agree with pretty much all of what PP have said and didn't have anything extra to add), I was just genuinely offended and upset by what you wrote, and didn't want to let it go by unflagged. I was harsh, and i apologise for that, it was a kneejerk, because your words were hurtful to me.

(I'm also absolutely offended by a great number the discussions that take place on the feminism board, including the bizarre belief that being trans is in some way a side effect of ASD, for what it's worth.)

You have yourself a third child. Doesn't sound like a partner at all.

Is he feeling any effects of what he's doing? I think with the mountain of crap on the DC's bed I'd have put the kids to sleep in his side of your bed till he got round to finishing the job. Ask him occasionally when he's planning to finish the cleaning.

And when he mentioned going cycling next weekend, I'd have looked confused and said, "but you didn't really have time for cycling this weekend - all those jobs you started and didn't get time to finish!"

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas I've told him I'm actually leaving him. 3 monthd ago I laid out my comprehensive plans. He asked for 12 weeks to turn things around.
The first 9 weeks seemed to be going quite well but he seems to have given up. I'm furious that he's requested that I change my planned cleaning day to accommodate another hobby day for him. Surely, he must have known that this was entirely the wrong thing to ask.
I've told him I'm insulted by him even requesting it. He thinks I'm mentap for feeling insulted and should just say "no" and move on. I'm sick of him treating me like his mother and him behaving like a rebellious teenager. It's mundane.

*mental

He sounds like a really selfish twat who is very deliberately zoning out.

You have probably facilitated this like a lot of women do and now have been taken advantage of.

You need to sit him down and spell it out like you would to a teenager.

He doesn't get to have fun until he has done his share.

Take a massive step back in doing anything for him...like laundry...leave it for him.

I certainly wouldn't allow the show he puts on for his parents go on unremarked upon🙄.

He cares what they think and doesn't what you think.

He really does sound like a waste of space.

Spell it out to him clearly.

If you read through this www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4051227-Married-to-ASD-partner-so-lonely would it ring any bells?

@SilverRoe

Does he manage to work and do his hobbies ok, or does this ‘cognitive disorder’ only hit when it comes to housework and childcare?

This.

He’s a lazy selfish arse - what’s the point of keeping him? At least if you divorce him you will get EOW off.

He's acting as if the kids are your sole responsibility - so you're the parent, and he's just your partner.

No real advice but I could give you an alibi. I think even Gandhi would have given up his nonviolent stance and bashed this selfish twat on his useless bonce

@TheSandgroper

If you read through this www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4051227-Married-to-ASD-partner-so-lonely would it ring any bells?

Oh FGS he doesn't sound autistic!!! Why does this constantly get trotted out as an excuse for all shit behaviour on here!

I'm furious that he's requested that I change my planned cleaning day to accommodate another hobby day for him. Surely, he must have known that this was entirely the wrong thing to ask.
I've told him I'm insulted by him even requesting it. He thinks I'm mentap for feeling insulted and should just say "no" and move on.

You should have just said no and moved on. I think any partner should be allowed to ask about changing plans without being met with fury...especially now when for all we know hobbies could be completely restricted in a few days!!
The whole situation sounds tedious and painful to live with...for both of you! I'd end the relationship... if you see he isn't capable of changing and is not capable of doing things your way and you can't meet in the middle then there's no point in carrying on with the relationship if it's going to involve this kind of dynamic between the 2 of you!

Oh FGS he doesn't sound autistic!!! Why does this constantly get trotted out as an excuse for all shit behaviour on here!

Aren't they compared because of the extreme male brain theory of Autism?

So his weekend is one day hobby and one day childcare and yours is one day cleaning and one day childcare? Yeah, that sounds fair.