Is he trying to antagonise me or is he brain dead?

[Mightyjungle]

These are the things DH has done since Friday evening to piss me off. Either, he's trying to antagonise me, he's brain dead, or I'm an unreasonable bitch.
What do you think?

1. He points out that he's being treated unfairly by me because I point out that he doesn't clear up after himself and he says hes offended because I tell him to clean up after himself more than I do the toddler and the 5 year old 😳.

2. on a family day out he walks around in a world of his own, like a complete zombie whilst I chase around after the toddler, answer never ending questions from the 5 year old whilst he walks off in some sort of trance.

3. As the toddler makes a break for it on the car park I have to remind DH to hold his hand as DH lets go of it in another weird trance.

4. we get to the car and he ignores the 2 children running around the car to take his own coat and wellies off, I am trying to get 2 kids in the car, get their wellies and coats off, whilst he sees to himself.

5. He then gets in the car after I tell him to "help me with the fucking kids" and as I'm bending down to unfasten my shoes and finally see to himself, starts the exhaust and I'm filled with a face full of exhaust fumes. By this point I'm telling him that I hate spending time with him and feel like a bitch but completely at the end of my tether.

6. we arrive at the pub for dinner on the way home because I'm not fucking cooking after the day I've had and after ordering from the allergen menu for the toddler, he forgets said allergen and decides to try and give him food off his plate that contains said allergen. He had "forgot" that the food contains this allergen.

7. Sunday morning, the children have swimming lessons so I take them because I haven't seen them swim for months and ask DH to clean the bedrooms and bathroom as I usually do this on a Sunday afternoon but he wants to go cycling with friends so I wont be able to as I will have DCs. However, he has a long bath first, nips to the shops, visits his sister and leaves 30 minutes to do the cleaning.

8. I go upstairs once he has left for cycling and see that everything that was on the floor in bedrooms is piled high up on the beds, toys, chairs, dolls houses, train sets, everything. Because he's had to vacumm. The landing is strewn with shampoo bottles, razers, soap etc where he's cleaned the shelves in the bathroom and left everything that is on the shelves all over the floor of the landing.

9. I enter the utility room and he's kindly split the washing into 4 loads strewn all over the floor, seemingly leaving them for me to wash in the space of one afternoon looking after 2 young kids when he could have just left all the clothes in the washing basket. So I spend another 5 minutes scooping up all the colour coded piles of dirty clothes to put back in the laundry basket.

10. I've had enough by 10pm on Sunday and write on the family calender that next weekend,I'm having a cleaning day and he's got the kids. He's come in from work this evening, seen it and requested I change it to another day as he would like to go cycling.

I want to move out.
AIBU?!

Never thought of it like that @disappear but this is how the weekend pans out quite regularly. If I have half a day cleaning, he often takes the other day for hobbies.
Apologies for drip feeding, but the reason I was furious about the request is because for the last 2 weeks, he's taken one day of the weekend for hobbies and I have already moved a cleaning day in the first week to accommodate this.
We used to pay for a cleaner, but we are saving for a new car, hence why I now do it. I don't mind cleaning, but he doesn't value that time is needed to be set aside in order to do it. He does help out with cleaning downstairs when DCs are in bed but I tend to do everything upstairs. He wanted to go cycling, so I said that on this occasion, he needed to do it to enable himself to go. The DCs wanted me to watch them swim.

I had one like this.

had

@LunaNorth

I had one like this.

had

Ditto.

I have zero tolerance for this shizz after leaving exDH and let me tell you, it's so much easier and nicer just looking after the kids and not having another giant cycling baby to drag around too! New partner is a better, more proactive 'dad' for us than DH ever was, and DH has had to man up and his bare minimum share of parenting, miss out on things etc etc.

Just, fyi....

Surely you should both be doing the cleaning if you gave up the cleaner?! Both of you should spend half a day cleaning together then split the remaining leisure time equally. What is wrong with you that you're giving him all the leisure times while you fill yours with housework and resentment? Get a bloody hobby and some backbone.

How old are the kids? Why is cleaning just your job now that you don’t have a cleaner anymore? Why are you picking up after him when he leaves a bigger mess in his ‘point-scoring-point-proving’ wake?

The whole thing seems like a mess tbh, with failing communication on all sides. And I by that I don’t mean failure to communicate what you need or expect, but how you two talk to each other: neither of you seems to have any respect left for the other any more. Once that’s gone it’s a steep slope to climb, especially when both parties seem to have one foot out of the door.

May I suggest you grab that bike of his, put it right behind the car and let him reverse over it???

Also, he needs medication for adult attention deficit disorder

Use the car savings for a deposit on a new place for yourself. Or ask him to move out. He obviously doesn't give a shit.

Also saying things like 'brain dead' is a bit offensive but he does sound like a total idiot.

He wanted you to give him 12weeks and at nine weeks he does this. IMO, he thought that you’d ignore it and everything would fall back into the regular pattern of you parenting three children, him day dreaming and going cycling when it suited.

Life, will be a lot easier when you are parenting two DC and not being given extra work from the not so dear H.

Have I read this correctly, do you OP, like others on here think he has some kind of "processing disorder". It sounds like it to me, as I have a son like that. Hard to focus on more than one thing, starts things doesn't finish them, or doesn't start them at all, disorganised. He keeps it together a bit outside the home, but only just about and he struggles. He is very hard to live with and I feel your frustration and dismay. A daily stress like this really can take its toll.

Whether he is like this because of a congenital condition, or because he's an arse, or a mixture of both - the fact is this is who he is. It doesn't sound like things are going to change that much, if at all . Do you think its possible?

So its only really you who can do anything about the situation. If you can find the mental space - sounds a bit hard to at the moment - I would try and focus your attention to the question as to whether you want to continue living this way or if you would be better living apart.

@category12

Surely you should both be doing the cleaning if you gave up the cleaner?! Both of you should spend half a day cleaning together then split the remaining leisure time equally. What is wrong with you that you're giving him all the leisure times while you fill yours with housework and resentment? Get a bloody hobby and some backbone.

This.

As I explained upthread, he does help with the cleaning- we do the downstairs together in the evening when DCs are in bed. He watches the DCs when I clean upstairs (3 year old into everything) and on the weekends he's not trying to go out so that it can't be done, I'm quite happy with this arrangement!!
So thanks, but I do have a back bone.

I need extra time this weekend to clear out wardrobes (lots of clothes too small) and I want to clean the cars inside and out. We can't both do this... as like I've said, 3 year old trashes the place if left unattended for too long so I'd rather do it myself than ask him to do it and it be done terribly! All he has to do is watch the kids/take them out.

Brain dead, and selfish.

Oh, I see he’s a Lycra clad twat.
Yanbu on that alone. He can do his own laundry. I don’t do my dhs. I do my own and dds.
Take the cars to the car wash leaving him to do stuff with the kids.

You should have just said no and moved on. I think any partner should be allowed to ask about changing plans without being met with fury...especially now when for all we know hobbies could be completely restricted in a few days!!

Bollocks. He knew the plan. So, if he wanted to change the plan, then he needed to provide a solution to make i tall work eg "I would like to go riding on Sunday but I know that's when the cleaning needs to happen so what about if we get the cleaning done at x/y time while I do a/b/c with the kids"

OP, did you post about this before? perhaps prior to your 12 week ultimatum? Because it all sounds very familiar.

The point is that you're not happy. And he is either unwilling or unable to change his behaviour in order to make you happy. So.... I think it's perfectly reasonable that at this point you consider whether this is a relationship you even want to be in any more as clearly you are not getting anything out of it and have done your best.

I understand your husband has been a bit of an arse op but is it possible your cleaning standards are a bit high? I don't think I've ever been that bothered about doing quite so much. (Slinks off in a slatternly manner...)

Just read your message I think you live with my dp of 20yrs my son now 12yrs I feel like a single parent get out njoy life

Be hard for him to cycle with a tyre inflater stuck up his

...
Hope you post lots of unflattering pics of him on sm op!!

Has he had a dead fish penis yet?

A different perspective..I mean no offence, just giving my view as I see it..you appear to act like his mum.

He appears to be distracted (which man isn't?!), and it's probably a little more than most, which rightly frustrates you and is tiring, but some of the things you say (i.e. "waste of space") clearly must be hurtful.

You seem to nag him all the time, which I imagine must be extremely draining for him, especially if this has been going on for a while.

I think you need to sit down and have an adult talk, before you really do turn into his mum!!