I can see my adult DD is ill but I can’t find a way to discuss it with her

[TiggerDatter]

Just that really. She’s late 20s and we are very very close. We’ve literally never argued. She’s been through terrible illness as a child, and a series of disappointments and reversals in her 20s. It absolutely breaks my heart 💔. Now I can see that she is physically in poor condition, but she will be so hurt if I point it out. Everyone else hurts her, not me 😢. What do I do?

I took Mirtazapine for a short period of time (awful side effects) and it caused me to gain a stone in two weeks. I know it sounds unbelievable, I couldn't believe it. I didn't eat anymore than usual, if anything, I had less, and I stopped drinking alcohol yet I got heavier and heavier. It took about three months to loose the weight, again though, I didn't change my diet at all. Let your daughter worry about her weight, it'll sort out.

I lost loads of weight on sertraline, Venlafaxine maintains my weight, absolutely dreading when I have to go onto something else.

Ask her how she's doing on the meds. Until someone I knew asked me I didn't realise how bad the side-effects were, which I know sounds bizarre. And through that chat it gave me that something to ask for a change of meds.

Things like blood tests for thyroid, again until someone mentioned it I didn't think to ask the GP.

One of my main side effects on the all of them is brain fog.

Thanks all for your very kind advice. Yes, she knows and understands the situation well ( she works in a related area) so it’s not like mine would be a revelation. And knowing how worried I am would add to her burden. She needs the meds and I don’t think changing them round be a good idea. I don’t want to go behind her back to her friends, that would be a betrayal.

I think we just have to soldier on. I’m not going to state the bleeding obvious to her. But thank you again, especially the info about the meds. I’m going to encourage her about pushing through to get thyroid tests arranged though - not easy in semi-lockdown!

Actually l would have a conversation with her, she might not be aware of the weight gain side effect,

But, l would run it along the lines of ‘how’s the medication doing? What side effects is it having? Are you happy with it?

I’ve spent 25 years fighting this side effect. I’ve managed to find one at long last that doesn’t have this side effect. That on its own is enough to help me feel better. She’s only young, she won’t know about different medications.

It's odd because my dd is on anxiety meds are we still can't get her to eat. I'm guessing it's more down to the person than the meds. Being overweight doesn't mean ill, but if you can spend time with her you might be able to see if there's an underlying problem, however be cautious, making an issue of weight can be counterproductive

As others have said she will be well aware that she has gained weight, it doesn't need to be pointed out. Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications can make you gain weight; but generally the benefits for your mental health far outweigh the negatives of weight gain. Once she is in a more stable place, then she can begin to tackle to weight gain if she feels she needs to but until then her mental health is the priority. It is not as simple as just switching medications - if the medication is working then she should stick to it.

Some antidepressants have weight gain as a side effect. I've put on 20kg in a year from mine, though my dosage is quite Hugh. Why not open a conversation about how she's going. Extra weight doesn't necessarily mean she's ill or struggling with an eating disorder. If the antidepressants are helping it's not necessarily a good idea to try something else if the side effects are ones you can live. Personally Id rather the better mental health I get from mine. I can live with being bigger, I couldn't live with the way things were a year ago.

I put on five stone in one year whilst on sertraline. I've not lost it yet. I've also got a chronic back problem ongoing 30yrs which I was generally moaning about to my mum the other week as it's particularly bad atm. She said it would help if I made an effort to lose weight. That hurt, a lot, especially as the issue started aged 20 when I was 7 stones, I'm now 50 and 16 stones, weight has nothing to do with it. I'm in a very bad place anyway and that knocked me right down further. The kindest thing you can do OP is say nothing. Just be a loving and supportive mum.

Please don't "point it out". Do you think she doesn't know she's put weight on?

It'll be related to her MH and the meds she's on for it I imagine. Her MH is more important right now. She can deal with her weight once she's feeling a bit better.

Fairy dust swap to Agomelatine.

No overeating and lots of sleep

@TiggerDatter At the moment getting blood tests seems to be a breeze. You get sent a link from the GP to make an appointment with bloods, show up and all done within minutes.

Could I also suggest VitD test. This can contribute to unintentional weight gain in women.

My mum and I were very close. I gained weight when I was in an abusive relationship and was comfort eating. She pointed it out to me in an effort to help, and all it did was make me feel humiliated and like I didn't want to see her until I had lost weight. Where I previously felt she loved me unconditionally, I then felt like she would love me more and be less disappointed in me if I was slimmer. I still have issues with my eating and still feel the same, like I'm the daughter they're embarrassed by because I can't control my weight.
Just be there for her and love her.

Ah yes “my child is fat, how can I most look like a dickhead???”

If she is as emotionally unwell as she sounds, the last thing she needs is even an implied criticism of her weight. She needs you to love her, as she is, whatever her weight. She knows that she's gained weight, and I think you should only discuss it with her if she mentions it first.

How much weight are we talking?

What is your own relationship with food / your weight like? I'm only asking because I have a slim friend and I know she would be gutted if she had an overweight daughter.

@TillyTheTiger I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s exactly what I don’t want for my DD.

She knows I adore her and am incredibly proud of her, and I know for her MH she really needs my unconditional love. She’s got it.

I won’t be saying anything to her or changing my behaviour. Just loving her and hoping she can catch a break.

Thanks again for everyone’s helpful insights 💐

@hopeishere size 14 to size 18. I’m a bit overweight, so is one other DD. The other one is skinny. Love them all the same. I just want them to be happy and healthy. Thyroid and MH problems are what concern me, not their appearance.

its easy to get a proper thyroid test at home on medichecks . Also they can do vitamin checks such asB12 - sometimes its easier than facing a doctor and usually they are reduced on certain days of the week .

I would say don’t point out something she knows.

I have been on medication for mental health issues for 15 years. They’ve enabled me to live a normal life.

I gained two stone within two months of starting them. I was eating a lot less than before I went on them. With my anxiety level, I could eat a huge amount of food, really bad, and burn it off from sheer anxiety.

When I went back to my normal diet and exercise routine with my meds, I gained two stone so fast. Since then I’ve gained more. I spent years trying to sort it before realising it was the meds and no way am I giving those up.

I looked into one of the alternatives listed here but it’s quite hard on your liver. (Agomelatin I think it is).

How overweight is she?

I’m on anti-anxiety meds and they haven’t affected my weight and appetite, but everyone’s different, As PP’s have said, only she can make these changes so be there for her. It might be helpful to ask how she’s feeling in herself and she may even mention side effects.

Perhaps she could try a different medication if she thinks it’s the cause? I’m on Escitalopram.

Thank you @Unsure33, I’ll look at the home thyroid tests, I wasn’t aware of those.

Again thanks to all for your help. I felt very alone with my worry this morning, I feel SO much better now! And best of luck to all struggling with MH in particular. I never have myself, so my DD’s problem is v much uncharted water for me.

No advice just understand where you are coming from and also your daughter.
I have gained 3 stone since March.
I had previously lost 4.5 stone. Day and daily I beat myself up. Day and daily an internal monologue runs in my head. It's nothing I need anyone else to point out to me and it would actually make me incredibly anxious and sad if my mum pointed it out to me. There is no answer other than to support her when she decides to face it.

@Maverick66 I'm so sorry you feel like this, I hope you have someone who loves and supports you

There is, as you've said, no easy way to discuss weight with someone. It is a highly sensitive topic for a lot of people. I am sure you will find a way when the time is right, though, in a way that suits you both.
Just to counter what some previous posters have said, I have heard that Sertraline, Citalopram and Fluoxetine all made LOSE weight. They made me feel so rubbish I didn't want to eat. Good luck though. It's hard to get the balance right!

Please don’t point it out to her. She knows.
Just be in her life. No judgement, no pressure.