I can see my adult DD is ill but I can’t find a way to discuss it with her

[TiggerDatter]

Just that really. She’s late 20s and we are very very close. We’ve literally never argued. She’s been through terrible illness as a child, and a series of disappointments and reversals in her 20s. It absolutely breaks my heart 💔. Now I can see that she is physically in poor condition, but she will be so hurt if I point it out. Everyone else hurts her, not me 😢. What do I do?

Why will she be hurt if you point it out? I think we need a bit more info about what you mean by 'poor condition'

Has she ever had therapy? It would be good for her to talk to someone outside of family.

What do you mean by everyone else hurts her?

Serious weight gain

Does she not know herself? Is it possible being able to talk about it with you will be a relief? Is there a reason she’d not tell you if she was struggling?

I assume you’ve tried opening up the space for her to open up to you - not ‘DD you look ill’ but ‘DD how are you feeling?’

Ah - OK. Weight gain is obviously difficult and probably not something you need to point out, to be honest.

Her emotions are what you need to deal with.

By ‘everyone else’ I meant men plus her chosen career. She has fabulous friends. She has had therapy, yes, and I’ve been encouraging her to access more

Could you do the couch to 5k together or something similar?

Why do you think she’s ‘ill’ because she’s gained weight?

My DH puts on weight easily, especially if stressed etc, but he’s not ‘ill’.

She is on anti anxiety meds which have at least helped her to sleep and concentrate a bit more. I think she has developed an eating disorder though, and/or a thyroid problem

We don’t live near each other so I can no longer drag her out to exercise. I think it’s food that is the problem

Anti anxiety meds can make you eat your head off ( bitter experience)

Underlying which is of course her emotions.

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince that’s one thing I wondered. Can you bear to tell me more please?

Does she know how concerned you are? Therapy is hard; confronting painful emotions and events is not easy and why people avoid doing do. But it's often necessary to move forward.

Telling her you are concerned for her is supporting her. I understand you dont want to upset her but it sounds like she is upset anyway. Your concern is clearly coming from a place of love.

It’s absolutely not your job to say anything, or even think it. You cannot be her weight police. Do you think she doesn’t know?

They all make you over eat. Some worse than others, and some people don’t get this side effect, but plenty do. New tween them various antidepressants have made me put on about 4 stone😭. Some people are much more sensitive than others to this.

The ones that are the best for not eating are:
Lofepramine
Trazadone
Agomelatine.

All the millions of others I’ve been on have made me eat, including those that are meant to be weight neutral like sertraline.

I recently swapped from an over eater to Agomelatine. The difference is profound.

Most evil over eaters ime are:
Mirtazapine
Paroxetine
Sertraline
Fluoxetine
Amitryptiline

And l knew someone on citalopram who put on 4 stone in 4 months.

My daughter is a similar age and also has had some mental health issues. We are very close and talk a lot too. She has said to me all she wants me to do is listen to her and love her just as she is. She doesn't want me to try to fix her. She's worked on that herself and with some specialist help.
Your daughter knows she's put on weight. What good will it do to point it out?
Sometimes all you can do is love them and let them sort themselves out. Dealing with her weight may be a step too far at the moment.
You need to do all you can to keep her close, not inadvertently push her away, however good your intentions.
I know it's easier said than done though.

There is a strong correlation between overeating and depression. Perhaps that is something that should be considered. Especially if she is withdrawn and feeling hopeless about life and/or disinterested in hobbies/friends.

Any-anxiety meds will probably be the root cause. But if they’re helping her in other areas, then she can tackle the weight when she is ready.

Telling someone who’s put on weight that you’re worried about their weight is pointless in the extreme - especially if you don’t live with them.

Concentrate on the emotional support.

Why do you imagine she would need it “pointed out”? I am sure she knows she has gained weight. What are you hoping to achieve?

You don't need to point out something that she already knows.

@TiggerDatter
That is so difficult for you.
Congratulations that you have never had an argument with your beloved dd.
I wish I could sat that about my dds.
One of mine is very sensitive and there is no way I could bring up weight gain with her. She would be very hurt. She knows herself what she should be doing, I must add she isn't on meds that can lead yo weight gain.
Sometimes you have to suck it up and say nothing.
Is there any really good friend of hers you could confide in ? Ask her/him to help ?

Sometimes you have to suck it up and say nothing.
Is there any really good friend of hers you could confide in ? Ask her/him to help ?

Discussing her weight, with one of her friends, behind her back is an even worse idea.

Saying nothing is the way to go.

Does she have a fitbit or could you get her one? I've got one and do challenges with my daughter, helps us both.