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Original poster

Shouted at in sleep

51 replies

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 19/10/2020 02:23

Just that really. I’m sitting here shaking.

This is the 4th time it’s happened. I’ve rolled over in my sleep or semi sleep and stolen the blanket. I’ve tossed and turned in my sleep. DH has shouted at me very angry whilst I was asleep/semi sleep state.

I told him last time this is a line in the sand for me. So I told him this time to go sleep downstairs as I can not sleep after that. He refuse and refused and now has got in the car and driven off at 2am in the morning.

He’s not a happy person at the moment, but he’s not generally aggressive. But he shouts at the kids a lot. I think he needs help but won’t go get it. We’ve had our issues we’ve been working through but he is a good man. We are both exhausted from lack of sleep caused by small kids. I suffer from night terrors, and being shouted at is not helping me.

Is this the line in the sand?

OP posts:
Standandwait · 19/10/2020 02:26

You're conflating two problems. I don't think the shouting at you while you're asleep and he's presumably half-asleep is the big problem -- it is annoying to wake up freezing. (The solution btw is same bed, separate sets of covers. Works for us.) The problem is him shouting when he's fully awake.

SeekingAnswers3 · 19/10/2020 02:27

Does it feel like the line in the sand for you?

I think you are right and he does need help potentially. Unfortunately he’s got to want to seek help. You can’t live walking on egg shells all the time and neither can the children. Has he always been shouty?

Standandwait · 19/10/2020 02:32

Think about what makes it a line in the sand for you. If you feel your children are becoming nervous around him, for me that would be a line. If you yourself are treading on eggshells, that too, maybe.

Before you had kids, when stressful things happened, did he also get angry, if only temporarily? Is this his default response?

Original poster
LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 19/10/2020 02:36

Standard you right the shouting is a problem and it’s wearing me down. I’ve suggested separate duvets in the past several times and he refused.

No he hasn’t always been shouty. I’d say it started after DC2. I had massive birth injuries and he didn’t cope that I didn’t want to be intimate. It’s taken a lot to work through that and we are still not there yet. He’s also had mounting issues at work that have built for a long time. He keeps saying he wants a different job but never applies for any.

OP posts:
Original poster
LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 19/10/2020 02:38

Standard - I honestly don’t remember ever seeing him angry before we had kids. He’d get a bid depressed and distant occasionally but never angry.

OP posts:
Standandwait · 19/10/2020 02:56

Hard, that. How oldest is youngest? As in, how long has this been going on, then?
Don't discuss this with him when you're both or either of you exhausted, if you can avoid it. I mean you'll never be fully non-tired if DC2 is still small, but if DC2 is still small maybe what you really need is a babysitter to get you two some sleep before you consider a divorce lawyer...
There is no question men get difficult when they don't get sex. It is clearly one of their design faults and I do not suggest that you should have to supply sex, god forbid. Just that that would not be uniquely awful of him.
If things get really bad, you can be the one to drive off (possibly with the kids in the car with you) -- a shock can help the man to see reason, in my experience. But it's a high-risk strategy that you can only use once or at most twice in the course of a marriage, so then you'd have to be sure, not just too tired to be sure, if you see what I mean.
Have some Flowers -- too bad there isn't a blanket icon

LaBellina · 19/10/2020 03:00

I'm sorry for you OP.

You're entitled to feel safe in your own bed and falling asleep with the thought you might be woken up later because your partner is shouting at you, is very unpleasant, to say at least.

I have no advice for you because I can't decide if the shouting is something you'd want to end your relationship over but I do think it needs fixing and YANBU. Flowers

BusterGonad · 19/10/2020 03:06

Start by getting an extra duvet/blanket wether he likes it or not, once a decent nights sleep is had then maybe you can sit down and have a decent conversation. He sounds very stressed. Sleep depravation is a killer.

Tiredeyesneedsleep · 19/10/2020 03:31

I will only say that sharing a bed with someone who suffers from night terrors can be beyond exhausting.

No idea to what extent you suffer as you only briefly touched on it, but let's say I would much rather be upstairs right now than on the sofa due to flailing arms, talking, shouting and grinding teeth. I have even been shouted at and my face spat in.

Lack of sleep does strange things to people, especially when half asleep at the time.

Terrace58 · 19/10/2020 03:50

I have to ask if he is fully awake when he is shouting? It makes a difference on how i would proceed.

Totally unimportant to the real issue, get separate sheets and blankets. So much better for everyone.

ToastyCrumpet · 19/10/2020 04:02

He doesn’t get to decide you can’t have separate bedding. What an arsehole. That is a simple practical solution. As for the rest, I’d be reconsidering the whole relationship. He needs help and won’t get it. He needs a new job and isn’t looking for one. These are things you can’t do for him but you’re having to put up with his behaviour. I’d be giving him some ultimatums.

FortunesFave · 19/10/2020 04:05

I take the covers too OP. My Dh has never shouted at me when I'm asleep though...he does get pissed off but it's the next day he complains. However....having explained that I can't HELP it as I'm not awake when I do it, we did get two duvets. Things are so much better with two.

Just get them.

Tiredeyesneedsleep · 19/10/2020 04:06

@ToastyCrumpet

He doesn’t get to decide you can’t have separate bedding. What an arsehole. That is a simple practical solution. As for the rest, I’d be reconsidering the whole relationship. He needs help and won’t get it. He needs a new job and isn’t looking for one. These are things you can’t do for him but you’re having to put up with his behaviour. I’d be giving him some ultimatums.
Where on earth are you getting "He doesn't get to decide you can't have separate bedding" from?

Are you just making stuff up for effect?

BeanieB2020 · 19/10/2020 04:11

Can you have separate beds? When one person moves around a lot while sleeping it can really disrupt the sleep of the other person to the point they can't sleep at all. If you're doing that then separate beds might be the answer.

HappenedForAReisling · 19/10/2020 04:34

@Tiredeyesneedsleep

Op's post at 2.36am "I’ve suggested separate duvets in the past several times and he refused."

IHateCoronavirus · 19/10/2020 04:55

Going against the grain here but...you mentioned that you are both suffering from a lack of sleep, plus he is very stressed with work. It could be that he was having a bad night anyway, was half asleep and your movement/removal of blankets disturbed him and he snapped. Sleep terrors will be awful for you but they will be pretty disturbing for him too. Then on top of all that you start having a go at him to leave the bed (only real chance of any sleep) when he probably feels bad for shouting anyway. If you weren’t happy with the sleeping arrangements why didn’t you go on the sofa? Why do you get to tell him what to do?

WitchWand · 19/10/2020 05:11

@IHateCoronavirus

Going against the grain here but...you mentioned that you are both suffering from a lack of sleep, plus he is very stressed with work. It could be that he was having a bad night anyway, was half asleep and your movement/removal of blankets disturbed him and he snapped. Sleep terrors will be awful for you but they will be pretty disturbing for him too. Then on top of all that you start having a go at him to leave the bed (only real chance of any sleep) when he probably feels bad for shouting anyway. If you weren’t happy with the sleeping arrangements why didn’t you go on the sofa? Why do you get to tell him what to do?
Yes you are " Going against the grain here " And, I think it's an awful suggestion that the OP should have gone to sleep elsewhere after being shouted at.

Hope you can get some more rest OP. Perhaps your husband's actually punishing himself for having gone so far as to shout at you like that. I certainly suggest you don't take it as anything to guilt trip yourself over.

mathanxiety · 19/10/2020 05:13

He sounds like a very angry man. Shouting at someone who is asleep or half asleep - not to mention when there are small children who could be woken by the hullabaloo - is completely unreasonable and irrational.

He needs to either get help or get out. I suspect there is a part of him that enjoys shouting though, and as long as he doesn't suffer any real consequences for it he will keep on doing it.

He has no right to inflict whatever problems he has on you or on your children.

Anger like that is very worrying, especially if he is starting to unleash it on the children. It sounds as if he has started on a very slippery slope.

How would you be able to manage if you were to insist the anger is a huge problem and that he either gets help or gets out?

I think he may have devalued you and doesn't care any more how he treats you. Having a problem with your recovery from massive birth injuries is a big red flag. It may well be that you won't get any choice about going it alone anyway, because he may have someone else to go to at 2 am.

blubberball · 19/10/2020 05:22

So sorry you're going through this. I have been there myself, and it's frightening and confusing.

There are a lot of problems here that need to be addressed. 2 duvets is a great solution, and so is therapy. He has his own issues, and maybe you do too after the traumatic birth.

If he's not willing to get help, or try any solutions, then if it was me, I'd rather live my life without me and my kids being shouted at.

IHateCoronavirus · 19/10/2020 05:24

Non of us were there. The shout could have been an assertive “stop pulling the covers off!” for all we know, yet everyone is jumping on the DH. Slept deprivation is a form of torture, and exerts huge amounts of stress on the body, the man snapped while he was half asleep it was probably more instinct than conscious attack, he more than likely feel shit about it, hence going out yet now pp’s have got him going out to another woman in the middle of the night. Projection much!

blubberball · 19/10/2020 05:34

He left the OP shaking, shouts at the kids a lot, and he "didn't cope" with not being intimate after the OP suffered birth injuries. I'm not even sure what that one means. Sounds like some lines have been crossed, and not nice to live with.

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/10/2020 06:12

I feel like you're glossing over the impact your night terrors are having on him. I know you can't help having them but he's having his sleep disrupted and probably struggling with it.

I don't feel this should be a line in the sand but a wake up call that you both need to sort out your sleep problems.

QualityFeet · 19/10/2020 06:43

Dh has night terrors and takes the covers. I recover, comfort or leave as appropriate. That’s normal - I don’t know why anyone is pretending it’s ok to shout at someone who is asleep. The whole won’t help himself and wanted intimacy despite birth injuries, shouts at the kids mixture is awful:(

FlapsInTheWind · 19/10/2020 06:46

The reason you are getting night terrors is because you are living with a day terror.

Let this be the final straw OP and get a break from him at least. If you are happier apart, leave it that way. You are in no way obliged to put up with this.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 19/10/2020 07:30

The reason you are getting night terrors is because you are living with a day terror

WTF? My son has night terrors, our house is loving and caring. He has had them since he was a baby really. I had them until I was about 21.

Get separate duvet covers, my Dad used to steal the covers every night, in the end my Mum bought them without even consulting him because it made sense not to wake up cold in the night.

Surely he knew about your night terrors when he married you. It isn't something you decide to do.

You need to talk to him about his anger issues.