Shouted at in sleep

[LibrariesGiveUsPower45321]

Just that really. I’m sitting here shaking.

This is the 4th time it’s happened. I’ve rolled over in my sleep or semi sleep and stolen the blanket. I’ve tossed and turned in my sleep. DH has shouted at me very angry whilst I was asleep/semi sleep state.

I told him last time this is a line in the sand for me. So I told him this time to go sleep downstairs as I can not sleep after that. He refuse and refused and now has got in the car and driven off at 2am in the morning.

He’s not a happy person at the moment, but he’s not generally aggressive. But he shouts at the kids a lot. I think he needs help but won’t go get it. We’ve had our issues we’ve been working through but he is a good man. We are both exhausted from lack of sleep caused by small kids. I suffer from night terrors, and being shouted at is not helping me.

Is this the line in the sand?

I think it sounds as though you both need a break, maybe take turns having a night away with a friend or two. You both sound very stressed. You both have a lot going on there. The night terrors are as bad for him as they are for you. Also the lack of intimacy won't be helping, there is more to intimacy than sex, and intimacy is a fundamental part of a relationship.
Start by each getting a decent sleep. Have a rota for who deals with the kids at night that suits who works when.
Communicate properly. Not when you are exhausted and stressed and shouty, do it after you've had chance to both calm down.
Make an effort to be intimate. I'm not saying have sex, but be close to each other, massage each other, bath together etc.
Honestly I'm two different people, tired or sex deprived me is an unreasonable evil bitch, worst woman ever. If I get my sleep out and I'm regularly "seen to" I'm the most chilled out person going.

Getting disturbed sleep because you partner won't stay still and steals the covers IS incredibly annoying - I think you're over reacting personably - I'd have shouted at you too!

I'm going to go against the grain here, if I woke up freezing all the time because someone kept stealing the covers I'd be really pissed off and would probably shout too!

Whatever his anger issues- just get separate covers, don't ask him. Say you are not prepared to be shouted at in the middle of the night, purchase another cover set for you and use it.

This won't sort the main problem, but it's a silly thing to have issues with when it is so solvable.

I had massive birth injuries and he didn’t cope that I didn’t want to be intimate. It’s taken a lot to work through that and we are still not there yet.

So he got angry that he couldn’t get all the sex he wanted while you were suffering with birth injuries?
Wtf is wrong with these pathetic men?! Bitching and getting angry and wondering why you DONT feel in the mood?

The duvet thing sounds like the straw that broke the camels back.

OP I suggest you get this moved to Relationships, you'll get more compassionate and insightful responses than AIBU where people will pillory a woman who is likely being abused because they can't read further than "steals the covers".

There is no question men get difficult when they don't get sex.

Bollockc bollocks bollocks. My husband and I haven’t had sex for 6 months due to pregnancy-induced PGP and other physical issues and he has never even for a second been sulky, aggressive, difficult or anything about it. Good men don’t treat their partners badly if they aren’t getting sex on their preferred schedule.

OP - this would be a line in the sand for me too. I would require a basic level of respect that demanded no partner of mine ever shouted at me, least of all for something accidental that happened while you were asleep. Other people might tolerate different standards, but for me I wouldn’t continue to be with someone who didn’t love or respect me enough to control his temper to a basic level. It’s ok if this is your line in the sand - you don’t need to justify it to anyone else.

@IHateCoronavirus

Non of us were there. The shout could have been an assertive “stop pulling the covers off!” for all we know, yet everyone is jumping on the DH. Slept deprivation is a form of torture, and exerts huge amounts of stress on the body, the man snapped while he was half asleep it was probably more instinct than conscious attack, he more than likely feel shit about it, hence going out yet now pp’s have got him going out to another woman in the middle of the night. Projection much!

I agree with this. We had horrendous arguments at one point because we kept waking other up. It's different to being woken up by a child. You are programmed to love them through these things so you don't kill them. Not so much with the partner. I ended up crying in the lounge more than once because he woke me up. He ended up sleeping on a sofa few times because I woke him up. Both had stressful jobs and it was just a horrible situation. Words were exchanged. Strong ones. Separate bedrooms. Relationship went immediately back to great one.

If the problem is the cover and not turning, get another cover. I don't get why he is protesting. If it's the turning, try weighted blanket.

It's a hard one. You're both doing things in a sleepy state that aren't nice to the other. You're obviously keeping him awake by tossing and turning and pulling the quilt off him. And if it's the 4th time hes snapped its probably the hundredth time you've done it. He must be exhausted and even though you're not fully awake it is your fault. It's like snoring, you're doing something to keep him awake. You need a solution to you disrupting his sleep. Sounds like he's being a grumpy through constant lack of sleep.

Can you get separate quilts so you can toss and turn under yours and pull it about without disturbing him? If that doesn't work then its separate beds for the time being.

@Standandwait

Hard, that. How oldest is youngest? As in, how long has this been going on, then? Don't discuss this with him when you're both or either of you exhausted, if you can avoid it. I mean you'll never be fully non-tired if DC2 is still small, but if DC2 is still small maybe what you really need is a babysitter to get you two some sleep before you consider a divorce lawyer... There is no question men get difficult when they don't get sex. It is clearly one of their design faults and I do not suggest that you should have to supply sex, god forbid. Just that that would not be uniquely awful of him. If things get really bad, you can be the one to drive off (possibly with the kids in the car with you) -- a shock can help the man to see reason, in my experience. But it's a high-risk strategy that you can only use once or at most twice in the course of a marriage, so then you'd have to be sure, not just too tired to be sure, if you see what I mean. Have some -- too bad there isn't a blanket icon

'men get difficult if they don't get sex'. wtaf ? i'm sorry that you think that but if this is your experience then there were some bad choices being made. it objectifies women as avaiable to placate some man who can't have a wank and sort himself out, the poor darling. this is demeaning and very disrespectful to men in general [and yes, i have been a victim of dv] many men are respectful of women as they should be and some are just arseholes [same goes for women too]. o

some really annoying responses on here. some pp obviously haven't rtft.

Can those posters defending a man who started becoming aggressive due to not being able to ‘cope’ with not having sex due to his partner’s massive birth injuries please take a hard fucking look at themselves?

He was difficult because you couldn't have sex due to the trauma you endured carrying his child. What a prince of a man. Op you're wasting your time with him, he sounds irredeemably horrible

@LibrariesGiveUsPower45321

Standard you right the shouting is a problem and it’s wearing me down. I’ve suggested separate duvets in the past several times and he refused.

No he hasn’t always been shouty. I’d say it started after DC2. I had massive birth injuries and he didn’t cope that I didn’t want to be intimate. It’s taken a lot to work through that and we are still not there yet. He’s also had mounting issues at work that have built for a long time. He keeps saying he wants a different job but never applies for any.

What.. you need his permission to put an extra duvet on the bed ? Nuts

I’ve suggested separate duvets in the past several times and he refused.

Just do it - get yourself a single duvet and he can have the current one. If it's a choice between a new duvet and being shouted at during the night, it's a no-brainer.

... but it seems like your problems go deeper than just duvets.

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

I’ve suggested separate duvets in the past several times and he refused.

What do you mean he refused? Just buy yourself a separate set

@Twinkletwinklelittletwat

I think it sounds as though you both need a break, maybe take turns having a night away with a friend or two. You both sound very stressed. You both have a lot going on there. The night terrors are as bad for him as they are for you. Also the lack of intimacy won't be helping, there is more to intimacy than sex, and intimacy is a fundamental part of a relationship. Start by each getting a decent sleep. Have a rota for who deals with the kids at night that suits who works when. Communicate properly. Not when you are exhausted and stressed and shouty, do it after you've had chance to both calm down. Make an effort to be intimate. I'm not saying have sex, but be close to each other, massage each other, bath together etc. Honestly I'm two different people, tired or sex deprived me is an unreasonable evil bitch, worst woman ever. If I get my sleep out and I'm regularly "seen to" I'm the most chilled out person going.

'sex deprived and become an unreasonable bitch, / and i'm regularly seen to' wtaf ? you sound like a bloke or a troll tbh, so glad i'm not your partner /husband.

I’ve asked this be moved to relationships

My night terrors are rare these days - normally only every 3 months. I had them before I met him, and when we were first together he was great about them, really helped but not anymore. He just gets annoyed now.

The bigger issue with sleep is kids waking us up and DH has gone into a bit of insomnia. Since lockdown DC2 has had massive separation anxiety and wakes every night and won’t settle unless in our bed (he kicks us) or one of us sleeps on his floor. We take turns to sleep on the sofa or DH sleeps on his floor. When DH is awake he can’t get back to sleep. He is exhausted and was struggling with mild depression at the start.

I’ve been extremely stressed and it’s affected my going to sleep and seems to have retriggered the night terrors. I’m self employed freelancer in the events industry and I’ve lost 90% of my income with no financial support because of when I took maternity leave. We don’t have space for another bed, and can’t currently afford a bigger bed or sofa bed.

Sex/intimacy- we’ve worked through it loads. He understands his response was wrong at the time and has apologised and been very patient since but still frustrated. My libido is a fraction of what it was and his has stayed the same. We keep on working through this and I think we are getting there.

it's good that you are working through things together op, i couldn'tbelieve some of the rubbish being thrown on aibu, posters aren't privy to your life and make rash / harsh judgements.
lack of sleep is an effective form of torture, people for forget that a couple of broken nights is okay but more than that can really mess with your mental and general health and well being.
hope it works out for you, dh and your dc

Thanks Romeo

I’m open to advice, but honestly lack of sleep kills me and sends me into a seriously bad place mentally

yes, it will do, been there, it's awful, some people just don't get it. have you spoken to gp about it, might be able to suggest something, not neccesarily sleeping tablets but, well i'm not sure tbh but might be worth asking.
are night terrors triggered by anything in particular that could be addressed ? that might help you sleep more soundly and in turn dh.

meant to ask is dh being treated for depression ? my dh has mild depression and getting him to the dr was a real stuggle he didn't want to take tablets and struggled on regardless. i have bipolar [medicated]and one day i said that i was on a 'low' day but hoped tomorrow would be better, i was so grateful to the antidepressants for leveling me out' he agreed i was difficult before diagnoses and what a change antids had made. i suggested [for upmth time] he should try a low dose. he did and now takes them regularly, admits life is happier and for the best part he feels good.
it's worth a try.

Why on earth won't he "let" you have a duvet each?

To be honest, if he's genuinely not abusive in the rest of the relationship, I would consider twin beds in the same room or if you have a spare room, sleeping separately. It doesn't have to be forever, just to allow you both peaceful rest. You can get up and slide into bed with each other in the mornings, have a cuddle in bed last thing at night, to maintain intimacy.

Bloody ridiculous to refuse practical solutions and instead resort to shouting.

If he is an abusive arse, tho, scrub all that.

OP, you could try a weighted blanket. It's worked great for my sleep, it's better than for quite a while.

Meanwhile, your DH needs to get help. While I sympathise with the lack of sleep, shouting at you when it's something you have no control over, is really shit behaviour.