Ex-husbands texts - am I being petty?

[BertandErnie1]

I’m not sure if I’m being over dramatic to be upset about this and was wondering if anyone has faced a similar situation.
My husband left me about a year ago. It was out of the blue and surprise surprise around a month later he had a new gf.
We have two children together so I stay on good terms because of them. I bite my lip a lot and try to pick my battles. I would never want or have him back . What he’s done to me is unforgivable.
Anyway, he’ll text away about various things (the kids, things still in joint names that we are sorting out, his family sometimes). He’s always on his phone and generally has a chatty tone. Until he’s with his gf (I’m assuming), when he ignores texts and gives completely minimal answers.
I’m not sure why I find it so upsetting. It feels really insulting but maybe I’m over-reacting.
It really does bother me though.

I’ve really struggled with a lot of what’s happened and just feel like a year down the line I should be further on, and things like texts shouldn’t bother me.

How do others manage to move on and let these things wash over them?

I would be detached and civil in my texts, rather than chatty or friendly.

And I'd answer when it suited me, rather than following his lead.

I definitely think I need to get better at that.
It’s a ‘relationship’ like no other I’ve ever experienced- having to be nice/ pleasant while hating what he’s done and what he stands for. It feels very two faced.
I really hoped we could have been friends when it first happened but I don’t think that’s realistic.
I’m just struggling to navigate all of this I think.

Just avoid texting unless it is absolutely necessary. There is nothing really urgent that can’t be discussed another time. Keep contact to a minimum. Regular contact is not good for you to move on as it just stokes up feelings, even if they are hateful ones.

You need to stop getting sucked in to the chatty stuff.

There's no rules about how upset you're allowed to feel about this (or anything else), so there's no need to question if you're being 'petty'. And there's no 'should' about your ability to reach closure. There's nobody judging you, and you need to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, and respect those feelings.

As for how to deal with it, have you asked him to only text you about necessary things? If he doesn't respond well to that, tell him you'll only respond to necessary things. You don't have to make it personal if you don't want to - you could just tell him you're trying to cut down on your screen time, so you might be responding differently/less often from now on.

Keep things minimal, necessary and civil. You’re not friends. You don’t have to discuss his family, why would you care?

Kids contact and finances etc, don’t engage on anything else. If you don’t give anything of yourself and only reply as and when you choose to you’re not opening yourself up to further hurt.

Yes, don’t do the chatty stuff. Don’t entertain him when he’s at a loose end! Keep it short and sweet and to the point. Text only when the timing suits you and is appropriate. Do not feel any impulse to reply immediately. If it can wait, it can wait. Please don’t make him think you’re hanging on his every text. If you reply 3/4/5 days later, it won’t do him any harm.

Thanks for all your replies and advice, I will definitely listen. I need to change what I do as what I’m doing now isn’t helping me.

@AnneLovesGilbert righty or wrongly I do care about his family. They were my family for a long time. But I do try to keep the relationships separate from my ex-h now but he will still update me on stuff that happens.

@Eckhart thank you for your comments. I honestly really wish I didn’t care and could move breezily along but I can’t, and I think the more I fight the sadness it comes back even more.

It all just feels so unfair. Why does he get to move on and do whatever he wants without a second thought for what he done?
I think him ignoring my texts are just a reminder of how unimportant he made me feel when I found out about his gf (?OW).

@Remona you are right. He texts when suits him and wants a distraction. Then when he has something better to do, I’m out the window.

I can imagine that's so upsetting OP. You need to protect yourself as your feelings have taken enough of a battering from this man already. Like pps have said, keep it cool and civil. It will be hard initially but you can do it (and should do it for your mental health)

As for the sadness - don't try to stop it. Let yourself feel sad if you're sad. That way hopefully you will process all this a little quicker and will be free to move on and build a new, happy life for yourself and your DC

It's terrible what you've been through. You would like a very nice person.

Personally, I think you need to start putting yourself first (as he has done), regardless of whether it inconveniences him or not.

Nothing more to add I dealt with my ex in a professional capacity. Took all the emotion out of my communication and only kept to things we needed to discuss. Children. House money.

We had eow contact when he could be bothered. And money through CMS. So the only time I needed to hear from his is to confirm times.

They way he behaved he was clearly not my friend. So why should I have to keep putting on a front. I know it is better for the children for us to get along. But he has continued to lie. Not see the kids and not pay his way. I'm done making it better for him.

How old are your DC?

I'd set up an email to communicate and then block him.

He no longer gets your wife work or your ear to make him feel better.

I find it very difficult to put myself first but I know I need to change it. Our whole relationship (20+ years) was spent trying to make him happy and feeling like I was falling short. But I kept bloody trying. I feel like such a mug tbh.

@unicornsarereal72 I do try to remind myself that he’s not my friend and certainly doesn’t behave in any way a friend would.

It’s just so hard to find a balance between the detached / civil approach and being decent to him for the sake of the kids. To me their feelings come first always and I’d hate for them to have to experience an atmosphere at hand overs etc. Unfortunately I do have to see him a fair few times a week for the kids contact. I do try to keep it minimal though and I’ve stopped him
Seeing the kids in my house for contact , which used to happen sometimes.

I do appreciate the advice, it does help.

@RantyAnty

I’ve got a toddler and a 6 yo.

Your right about having my ear to make him feel better. I need to change that. It’s not good for me and I get absolutely nothing in return.
It’s very hard to change long standing patterns of behaviour with someone - I really need to try though !!!

I agree with others, why are you having chatty conversations with him? Maybe your not over him yet?

Its perfectly normal for a person to be 'chatty' when they have free time and more perfunctory when they are busy with partners/family/children.

Stop all this 'chatting' and communicate via email.

It all just feels so unfair. Why does he get to move on and do whatever he wants without a second thought for what he done

It is unfair, and you'll never know why. Your upset about it is completely justified. Asking why will make you nuts. Focussing on respecting your feelings will make you strong, boundaried, and much faster recovered.

@ZombieFan
I’m not sure why it’s been like that. In some ways it’s like some things haven’t t changed.

We didn’t have arguments or anything before he left, it came out the blue. He moved out and I’ve just had to get on with things. So in some ways our communication via text etc hasn’t changed.
It’s only really reflecting on it now that I realise this.
I certainly not over what he’s done. The betrayal and the sense of rejection is still very raw but I certainly don’t want the relationship rekindled. I just want to try and work this out so me and the kids come out of it as unscathed as possible (if that’s possible!)

Try to think of him like a client at work. You don't have to pretend to like him, just communicate basic facts.

Nothing much to add really but if it helps I'm in the same situation. A year ago I found out about affair number 3. He wants to be friends for the sake of the kids. I tried for a few months but it was destroying me.
He doesn't deserve your friendship and think about the message you're potentially giving your children when they are older. Is it ok for someone to treat you like crap and then be their friend? I even use this lesson with my 5 year old now with playground issues. Obviously don't reference her dad!
Anyway I only respond to messages about kids or divorce. Anything social I ignore. It's sad really - can tell he misses our friendship and needs involvement from me with the kids but you have to be cold and put yourself and your children first. I have been so much happier since I stopped it all and the kids are so much more settled

My exH will do this. He sometimes sends nice chatty texts and emails, but equally sometimes sends absolutely vile abusive shite aimed at me and my DP. I dont engage. If he asks a direct question, i answer it, as briefly as i can. He isn't my friend, and i dont have to treat him as such.

I really hoped we could have been friends when it first happened but I don’t think that’s realistic

Why would you want to be friends with this horrible excuse for a man? You don’t need to be friendly, it won’t help your DC in the long run.

This sounds really hard, I am sorry to hear this.

A small point: your messages and presence obviously bother the gf. I would try and view it through that lens, it might help rationalise it. Xx

@Worakls sorry you are going through this too. The kids wouldn’t know any of his bad behaviour, they have only ever known us to get on (most of the time) before and after the separation.
Does your ex message you about the kids when he has them? I find those texts hard to ignore.

I was really upset tonight after a particular crappy day with it , but I can see now that it’s normal for someone to text less / be less chatty when busy. I’ve been abit over sensitive I think, but equally it’s a lesson learned that I need to change the way I communicate with him.

@Love51

Try to think of him like a client at work. You don't have to pretend to like him, just communicate basic facts.

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