Ex-husbands texts - am I being petty?

[BertandErnie1]

I’m not sure if I’m being over dramatic to be upset about this and was wondering if anyone has faced a similar situation.
My husband left me about a year ago. It was out of the blue and surprise surprise around a month later he had a new gf.
We have two children together so I stay on good terms because of them. I bite my lip a lot and try to pick my battles. I would never want or have him back . What he’s done to me is unforgivable.
Anyway, he’ll text away about various things (the kids, things still in joint names that we are sorting out, his family sometimes). He’s always on his phone and generally has a chatty tone. Until he’s with his gf (I’m assuming), when he ignores texts and gives completely minimal answers.
I’m not sure why I find it so upsetting. It feels really insulting but maybe I’m over-reacting.
It really does bother me though.

I’ve really struggled with a lot of what’s happened and just feel like a year down the line I should be further on, and things like texts shouldn’t bother me.

How do others manage to move on and let these things wash over them?

@BertandErnie1 my children are the same. No idea what daddy did. We said we just didn't make each other happy any more so he moved out. But one day when they are older they will work it out and I want them to be proud of how I dealt with it and learn from it themselves.
Yes he texts me loads when he has them - like he doesn't quite know how to be just him and them. I respond with an emoji usually to photos/videos that's it. Stops me feeling guilty!

He is keeping you sweet just in case it doesn't work out with the GF

@Cocopogo I have no idea 🙈 when I see him (several times a week unfortunately) , he’s just like the person I loved and was with for many years. I sort of forget what he’s done as he just looks and sounds the same as before. But I know he’s not the same now. He has values that are completely different to mine and he’s clearly not the person he once was. I find that hard to get my head around. How didn’t I know / or notice ?

@CamiJulia you might be right, I don’t know. I know very little about her. I get the impression he wants to keep his new and his old life very separate.

@Worakls that’s what we told the kids too and I’m happy with that at their age, but if they ask when they are older I’ll tell them the truth.
I’ve started to be more honest with friends too. At first I get so humiliated by finding out about his gf that I didn’t tell anyone, but I talk about it now. That’s helped.

@lowlandLucky I wouldn’t put it past him. About 6months ago, he did actually ask to get back together and I was actually willing to consider it. He finished with his gf (apparently!) but then within a few days had a quick u turn and changed his mind, got back with her and sacked me off. Not a chance I’ll make that mistake again. I’d rather be alone than have him back now.

You need to change how you respond.

If the kids are with him and he's telling you something they've done, just respond with a fairly neutral emoji like (my personal favourite) 👍. Or a "thx" or a "great, thx". Basically something that acknowledges it but doesn't invite more chat.

If the kids are with you, and he's just bored - then tell yourself to wait 2 hours before responding. Make it a rule. And then make full use of the 👍 emoji again. If he's trying to suck you into his families shit, definitely definitely wait the 2 hours. Then give a one or two word answer. Like for something bad, go "Shame " or for something good, just use . But yeah, you got to wait so you don't look always available.

@ElspethFlashman I really like this advice - thanks. I’m definitely going to try that. I do need to regain more control .

You have has the best intentions but they have gone too far and inadvertently backfired to become a burden to you.

Why would you do everything in your power for 20 years to keep him happy? Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Any mistake here is trying too hard for too long with a difficult man.

Again being overly chatty, friendly and accommodating, allowing visits at your house for the benefits of the the DC - doesn’t benefit the DCs because it’s eroding you.

There is no balance to strike between being mean and over friendly. You need to emotionally disengage - look forward not back. Don’t be scared of your hurt, anger, rage - process it, express it in an appropriate and healthy way. Don’t depress it. Look forward to healing you not back to him - you will not get any closure there.

You need to change gear to efficient receptionist mode. Get ahead of him. Kids on the doorstep - you are just dashing out etc. Don’t take calls. Let him leave a VM. If it doesn’t require a response ignore it. Same with texts from him - you are not on a leash - he doesn’t get to yank your chain when it suits.

Efficient distant receptionist is an appropriate aura for your DCs to pick up - simple and consistent. Not anxiety, brooding rage, hurt, fake banter - they will sense that.

Like others have said - aim to move to email only - dates, times, children etc.

He just likes the banter with you to assuage his guilt - why give him that if it makes you suffer.

Look up medium chill as a strategy. Not specifically designed for the challenging situation you find yourself in but it will be effective. Do it even when you don’t want to and you’ll find it slowly starts to protect you and make you feel emotionally safer.

If you’re on Facebook, look up Mel Robins and holistic psychologist - you can’t change what’s happened but you can now work on your reaction to it and they have great suggestions for how you re-frame things for yourself. Within what you’ve written, you’ve hinted that your sense of identity and feelings of self worth previously came from pleasing him and that’s a pattern of behaviour that they both help you to challenge. Good luck with it all.

Physically seeing him several times a week? Multiple texts a day? Agonising over speed and tone of response. It sounds like you are dating him!

I seriously doubt all that interaction is necessary. Surely you only need a weekly email to confirm arrangements, then at child handover time lightning speed handover of children on the doorstep.

You ask why he gets to move on and you don't. That's because you are clinging to him. You can't move on until you let go.

Btw, like others here have said, there is nowt wrong with children experiencing a frosty atmosphere between adults where one has wronged the other. Outright aggression bad for them see, cool detachment good for them to see. Model how to treat bad partners with cool robust dignity. Do not model appeasement of cocky dickheads for the sake of a temporarily easy life.

@Sssloou. your post makes a lot of sense and you are completely right , he will be feeling less guilt as I have made it far too easy for him.
This is helping me see what’s going on and separating it from the emotion of it. I’ve just got stuck and my default is to avoid conflict and keep an even keel , even if it means I suffer. You are right with the word ‘erosion’. I can’t keep doing that to myself.

@OfficialLurker I am on fb and I’ll definitely look those up.

@PostItJoyWeek I think i need to hear this. I hate to think of myself as clinging on , but when you put it like that it’s hard to deny.
I only see him at the handover for the kids, and I’ve now arranged for him to get them from my mums one day so I’ll see him less.

I see you keep the doorstep contact minimal, very good. You have also stopped the coming into your house to see the dc, excellent boundary there.

It has been less than a year and you have done really well to stop yourself responding like you are his best friend.
About these text though. What if you mentally start a timer on the reply, say, 24 hr or 48 hr, and then only reply in emoji? A thumbs up or
similar? Take away your personal worded response and just give an emoji polite acknowledgement of text received, message understood but a neutral, uninvolved reply. Of course nothing wrong with a 'I'll think about it.' or 'That doesn't work for me.' or 'Not this week.'
It is tough when feelings are so raw. He knows that you are a decent compassionate person and is relying on that to make his life easy.

Physically seeing him several times a week?
Why? The only time you need to see him is when he picks up/drops off your children. And even then he does not need to come into your house.

You have separated, so you need to separate!

@willowmelangell I’m really going to try this.
@ZombieFan he often just comes straight in the house as my door is often on the latch. But I will get better at the quick handover. Im moving house soon too so I think that’ll help in terms of having better boundaries. I’m still staying in the house we all lived in just now. I’ve also started the process of legally separating - which weirdly he wasn’t very happy about , despite the separation being his choice !

OP, you come across as such a thoroughly decent person. One day, if he doesn't already, he will massively regret losing you!

@BonnieBeaumont what a lovely thing to say. Just now i just feel like im messing this all up and that I’m drowning in it all!
I wish there was a manual ( I suppose that’s what’s mumsnet for!).

BertandErnie
he often just comes straight in the house as my door is often on the latch.

Lock the door so he has to ring door bell and make him do handover at the door.

If he physically pushes past you then he is trespassing, spell that out to him in an email, so you have proof it is happening.

Hopefully he will then stop but he is not entitled to enter your home without permission. And you do want that sorted before you move house, dont just hope it will get better.

I am pretty sure its even against Covid Law, unless you are in a bubble with him.

@ZombieFan he definitely wouldn’t push past me, that’s not his style but I do need to get better at having the kids ready to go straight away so they can leave from the door. Because of the changes in arrangements , it’ll only be one day a week that he is collecting them from my house ( was previously 3 days) so it should get easier.

BertandErnie1
I know how hard it is, have been there. Good luck

@ZombieFan thank you.

I think as long as you are not dissing him to the children that’s as far as your obligation goes. You don’t need to do anything else . You are not going to fight or be aggressive just keep him in the background where he belongs.

You might find as well that each time you manage not to get sucked into being chatty or not to answer his text it boosts your self esteem and that sadness might start to lift. He's been in control of this whole thing so far, you taking control of how things are from here might be just the kick you need to start moving on. Good luck, you sound really lovely and he's a total idiot for thinking the grass was greener

@ZombieFan he definitely wouldn’t push past me, that’s not his style but I do need to get better at having the kids ready to go straight away so they can leave from the door.

If you just think Tuesday morning wake up and lock the door, then you don’t need them ready and waiting. You can call out just a few minutes and marshall the dc and their things while he waits outside.
‘Oh I’m justbeing more security conscious these days, a single mum friend was robbed, I need to get a door chain on the next place’ is a good casual line when asked why. Make him feel guilty you’re a single mum now!

Thank you all, some really good advice.
I think it will give me a boost to change things. At first I was scared of upsetting him (old habits) but I’m passed that now as he doesn’t care about upsetting me.

It’s helpful to hear I don’t need to be all breezy in front of the kids , that business like is fine.

At first I was scared of upsetting him (old habits) but I’m passed that now as he doesn’t care about upsetting me.

I think you need to go a step further than this then rein it back to neutral after a while.

What's the step beyond not worrying about him being upset? Being glad that he is upset. Making him be upset. He has been an utter dick to you. He bloody well should feel like shit. Regularly. At your hand.

Empower yourself by challenging yourself to piss him off. If he is unhappy with your texting that's an active win for example.

What's that old Lily Allen song, is it Smile? That should be your anthem for a while.

After a few weeks his feelings and his behaviours will have bugger all effect on you and you are then cured. Happy days.