Emotionally reactive bf

[Sugarsugars]

Hi all. I'm just looking for some advice as sometimes its hard to make sense of things when you're in the middle of it.

I've been seeing my bf for a year now. When we're getting along it's great but when we disagree everything falls apart. My bf is emotionally reactive and if we have a row he can overreact and have what i call a meltdown. When he's like that I can't reason with him as he doesn't listen to what I'm saying but if i try and remove myself from the situation he says I'm abandoning him and starts saying it's not working/we're over etc. If i go home then he will text constantly and accuse me of walking out. One day after a row I woke up to 23 texts.

A few examples:

After another meltdown I told him if we moved in together I was worried he would have a meltdown in front of my kids. His response was "you really think I'd harm your kids?" I never mentioned him harming them.

He always has an excuse for his reactions, usually that it was because of what I said/did. I grew up in an abusive household so I told him that my dad used to blame my mum for 'pushing him' when he beat her. His response was "you think I'd hit you?" Again, not what i said.

During a recent row he raised his voice and was arguing loudly so others could hear (we were in a public place) when i told him people would hear he just said "I don't care". That's the crux of it I think, he can't see anything apart from whats in his head at that point in time.

The latest thing was when I stayed over at his. We had a good night, had sex but took a break to cool off, but i then got tired and wanted to go to sleep. He wanted to carry on and argued with me when I said no. He actually said at one point that "his life was ending" because i wouldn't carry on. In the end I went down to sleep on the sofa because he kept on and on. Even then he kept coming downstairs asking me to go back to bed. When I told him the next day how uncomfortable it made me he said i made it sound like he was a rapist. He just couldn't see my point of view that I didn't think he would force himself on me (I know he wouldn't ever do that), it was the fact he kept arguing with me and trying to change my mind.

I asked him to see a therapist as he can't control his emotions when things go wrong and needs help to sort it out. He's really not keen though.

I'm not sure what to do now 😕

Get out while you can. He is being manipulative and controlling, using meltdowns and emotional blackmail to keep you in your place. You’ve only been with him for a year and already he’s being like this - can you imagine him in another 3-4 years?

Stop using the words "emotionally reactive" to describe him and call him what he really is - an abusive man who is not above emotionally abusing you along with gaslighting you to try and distort what you said to him. Abuse is not just physical in nature and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You yourself grew up in an abusive household and this man is now your abuser too. Such men hate women, all of them and always use other people as an excuse for their actions. Its never their fault in their head. He is no relationship model for your children either. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

He won't ever see a therapist because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him. You now urgently need to get this person out of your day to day life, this is over anyway because of the abuse he metes out towards you. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightfully call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

Men like this as well can take an awful long time, years even, to recover from. As part of your recovery I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid going forward. This will help you identify red flags a lot earlier and you also need to fully unpick what you saw as a child; that indeed harmed you immensely.

I’m not in a similar situation but your OH sounds like mine.
However I’ve been with mine 12 years and he’s only got worse.
To the point that I cannot say anything remotely negative. He will ALWAYS say “so you want me to move out?” As soon as I say I’m fed up or something like that.
It’s awful.
I’m in 2 minds. One thought is that - he had a dad who acts this way and he doesn’t know how to communicate properly and sees everything as a fight to be won because of what he experienced growing up. But then on the other hand I think - no you’re a grown arse man and you can surely see that the way you handle situations is unfair for everyone involved and only isolates me and makes me distance from him. Which to me isn’t the point of a conversation - even a difficult one.
It’s easy for me to say because here I am with a man who treats me like shit. But yeah - most of the time he’s lovely. He just can’t handle difficult situations. So it becomes hard to leave that. And you excuse the bad bits. Because you want to keep hold of the good.
But if the person doesn’t see their wrong doing and isn’t completely aware that the way they handle things is damaging and is working towards learning - then it won’t get better.
And you need to decide whether you’re happy to live that way.
I’m not.
But for me this side of my OH didn’t come out until about 5 years in. When we had kids. Weird. So it’s hard. I get that. But I wish I’d have walked at the first signs of trouble.
For me the underlying thing is - lack of respect for me. I think because I’m a woman. And I think because of his upbringing. And that comes out in all sorts of ways. And I excuse the anger but my OH comes across as the calmest and most lovely person to everyone other than me. So then it’s not an anger issue and it’s a control issue. It’s not him losing his temper as we all do sometimes. It’s him choosing to use anger as a tool to control me.
And as much as I know that, here I am.
But no, it’s not ok.

Thank you both, I guess I kind of knew this anyway. And Wired, thank you for pointing out the harm my childhood caused me. I've been told in the past that I use my mental health as an excuse. It's sad that I need validation

Sorry, it was Attila

Its controlling behaviour op. He CHOSES to behave like this (he just doesnt want you to know it is a choice). He isnt losing control op, he is trying to dominate you.

You should never have to explain to someone why their obviously unacceptable or hurtful behaviour is unacceptable or hurtful. If you find yourself doing this (or twisting your words or having it turned round on you when you call them up on things) then you are with an emotional manipulator.

Leave, fast.

Oh my goodness MandB23 that's exactly him

He's a twat. Emotionally reactive my arse. He makes your life worse not better by the sounds of it. Dump yids loser.

Red flags 🚩 🚩

Do yourself a favour and dump him now.

He'll make your life a misery. And worse than that, he'll make your kids' lives a misery.

Even if it was a mental health issue he agreed he had and was willing to work on, you have a responsibility to your children to give them your energy and care, not pour it into some angry abusive bloke who will spoil their childhoods.

He's just plain abusive. Get rid.

And yes, Freedom Programme course. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Thanks, Bunny, its just so hard to get my head around, he is the most loving person I've ever been with, most of the time.

That's classic - they lovebomb you in between angry/abusive episodes.

The opinions seem to be unanimous.

How could you ever relax with a man like that? He won’t even rein it in in public. Living on eggshells is horrible.

He’s a disturbingly toxic person and if you bring him into your kids life it will be on you - you will be creating a situation which is abusive to them . You will have done that.

Sorry to be harsh but it needs to be said loud and clear. If you want to hurt yourself, carry on with him - but it will ultimately hurt your children.

So the question is do you want to hurt your children?

You need to protect yourself, and them.

He’s extremely manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive.
You can’t change him and it won’t get better, these men only get worse as time goes on.

You’d be better to be by yourself and work on your self-esteem, and read up on healthy/unhealthy relationships. Why does he do that? is a great book.

he said i made it sound like he was a rapist

Well, he was trying to rape you, so that would be an accurate description.

Coerced sex is rape. Doesn't matter if physical force or violence is used. He was trying to rape you and clearly would have had no qualms about having sex with someone he coerced into it - so he is at a minimum a potential rapist. He was trying to rape you.

Do you think your childhood experiences might mean you struggle to see abuse and rape for what it is unless it features physical violence? Neither is about physical violence.

Yeh they are all capable of being fake lovely if they need to be.

If you decide to get rid, it might be wise to read up on narcissists hoovering tactics (things they do and say to stop you leaving/try to get you back). Melanie tonia evans does a good one on YouTube on 9 types of hoovering tactics.

Good luck!

He's already behaving this badly and it's early days in relationship terms. It will ramp up the more comfortable he gets.

Thanks all.

User yes, i struggle to see abuse, i know it's an issue for me.

Bunny and Twilight, i'll check those out thank you.

It may well be because of his parents/upbringing that he is like this, most of us are influenced by those things.

However, it is no-ones responsibility but his to work on himself and make changes, and he's told you directly he is going to take any. He doesn't even recognise how unhealthy his communication/relational style is.

He will damage your kids if you bring him into your home and family.

There is no future with a man like this for you. Go.

Dear Lord, how can you bear to be around this horror of a man?

Why would you dream of inflicting abuse on children when you clearly have a choice?

Do you want an utterly miserable life?

Do you want to be a shadow of yourself 10 years from now?

Do you want to be regretful that your bar was so low that you stayed with such an abusive man, and have spent years walking on eggshells trying to prevent meltdowns?

Give your head a shake.

Have you not had enough abuse in your life OP.

Get the hell away from him.

I’ll just add. Which I don’t think will do me any favours here.
But for me the escalation has been very steady over the past 4/5 years. The first 5 years were pretty good. Aside from the odd bit of lying. But the way he spoke to me was always kind. But then I look back now and I see huge red flags. I couldn’t say the way we had sex was always consensual. I was young and naive and just did whatever he asked or wanted. And even if it was pretty obvious I was not having fun he would encourage it to continue. I wouldn’t put up with that now. Then I had no idea.
But his behaviour of late is awful. When their is a difficult situation. His reactions are getting worse. More angry. Their has been shoving. Throwing things across rooms. Punching things. Holding me down on the bed. A few years ago he started to have sex with me in my sleep. I repeatedly asked him to not do that. We weren’t in a great place anyway and after the first few times of me lying there pretending to be asleep and waiting for it to just stop I realised he would just carry on anyway. It was horrible and then I started to freeze whenever he would come near me when I was in bed. It became traumatic. But if I spoke about it I got shouted at. And I got the - oh are you saying I raped you and eye rolling. It’s stopped now but I can’t get over it. especially when his behaviour hasn’t changed.
I’m not saying your oh will be like this. But for me - that small thing of not handling situations well has turned into something completely different. Again - only whenever we have a disagreement. But that doesn’t make it ok.

Run op. Fast as you can. He is not a good man