Emotionally reactive bf

[Sugarsugars]

Hi all. I'm just looking for some advice as sometimes its hard to make sense of things when you're in the middle of it.

I've been seeing my bf for a year now. When we're getting along it's great but when we disagree everything falls apart. My bf is emotionally reactive and if we have a row he can overreact and have what i call a meltdown. When he's like that I can't reason with him as he doesn't listen to what I'm saying but if i try and remove myself from the situation he says I'm abandoning him and starts saying it's not working/we're over etc. If i go home then he will text constantly and accuse me of walking out. One day after a row I woke up to 23 texts.

A few examples:

After another meltdown I told him if we moved in together I was worried he would have a meltdown in front of my kids. His response was "you really think I'd harm your kids?" I never mentioned him harming them.

He always has an excuse for his reactions, usually that it was because of what I said/did. I grew up in an abusive household so I told him that my dad used to blame my mum for 'pushing him' when he beat her. His response was "you think I'd hit you?" Again, not what i said.

During a recent row he raised his voice and was arguing loudly so others could hear (we were in a public place) when i told him people would hear he just said "I don't care". That's the crux of it I think, he can't see anything apart from whats in his head at that point in time.

The latest thing was when I stayed over at his. We had a good night, had sex but took a break to cool off, but i then got tired and wanted to go to sleep. He wanted to carry on and argued with me when I said no. He actually said at one point that "his life was ending" because i wouldn't carry on. In the end I went down to sleep on the sofa because he kept on and on. Even then he kept coming downstairs asking me to go back to bed. When I told him the next day how uncomfortable it made me he said i made it sound like he was a rapist. He just couldn't see my point of view that I didn't think he would force himself on me (I know he wouldn't ever do that), it was the fact he kept arguing with me and trying to change my mind.

I asked him to see a therapist as he can't control his emotions when things go wrong and needs help to sort it out. He's really not keen though.

I'm not sure what to do now 😕

My last P was a lot like this, ruined every time we went out together with his meltdowns. I've been on my own for a year and honestly I'd rather be alone forever than tolerate another minute like that.

Its exhausting trying to anticipate when they'll kick off and humiliate you in public and trying to understand why they behave like that.

I'm such a calm and placid person but he made me feel like I was the problem. I wasnt. He just wanted to keep me in my place servicing his needs and bolstering his ego.

I eventually plucked up the courage to tell him to fuck off and honestly it was liberating. Finally I could breathe again.

The biggest favour you can do for yourself is to end it. Its your only life, it's far too short to be spent creeping around someone who dictates how you should live it and what mood you should be in.

Sounds like he's saying what he's actually thinking to desensitise you to them when they do happen because you're nearly, but not quite hitting the mark with the things you've said when trying to establish reasonable boundaries.

I'm going to hurt your children.

I'm going to hit you.

I'm going to rape you.

Run, run far away. Do not engage. Do not entertain a single thought for his feelings or welfare at any point. Change your locks, change your number, be very careful of him from now on. And don't hesitate to call the police if he turns up to make a scene in the hope you'll let him in where he can make good on his sneaky threats.

Someone this volatile isn't a safe person to have a relationship with. That's at the core of this. It doesn't matter if he's calm when he's calm - of course he is. What does matter is when the calm is disrupted, he can not regulate his reactions. Or more likely, he could if he made an attempt to learn coping mechanisms, but would rather just remain volatile.

This is not a good relationship model for you and it absolutely isn't a good one to be anywhere near your children, who will have their boundaries distorted when it comes to what's normal and acceptable.

A PP asked if you moderate your behaviour around him. What they meant was (I think) that you probably already mitigate his moods by trying not to rock the boat, or caving to his tantrums in order to stop them escalating. As adults we should not need to regulate other adults' moods. Of course you can compromise and healthily discuss, but one party should never be responsible for the other ones lack of self regulation.

As I said, it doesn't matter if someone is nice when they're calm and getting their way... of course they are! What matters is his behaviour when things aren't calm or they are challenged. He's too volatile to be in a healthy relationship, much less with someone who has children.

I can't see how there is a future together with this man as you couldn't form a family unit with him due to the impact on your children. You are only year in , the longer you put up with it the harder it will be to get out of the situation. He needs to get help to sort himself out before being in a relationship. I believe he can control his emotional responses as presumably he isn't behaving like this to other people . He is choosing not to. I hope you put own well being first and end it.

Sorry Op,should have been clearer. Over the year you have likely changed some of your usual behaviours to lessen the impact of his volatility. This is why his reactivity is so insidious as it takes years for you to realise how you have been conditioned. It is a slow but constant process.

Ex was like this, honestly the most charming outwardly calm person and he didn't show obvious signs of controlling in the first few years however there were red flags I missed. He had a similar conversation with me when I wanted to have a weekend free. Stupidly I adjusted my behaviour as saw it as his commitment to me. What I realised much later that it was always about his needs and agenda and sometimes those lined up with mine, which is why it was confusing.

I suggest you read a few books, Why does he do that, by Lundy and The verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. You could also read "In Sheeps clothing and Safe people by Henry Cloud.

These books will help you understand the dynamic. I wish I read these books many years ago.

I’m in similar situation, only further down the line with a child. GET OUT. Please. My life is impossible now as we’re not married and he own the house etc. He’s got worse and yet is pure charm in front of people. He demonises me to friends and family. Please listen and know you are worth being with someone who is loving ALL the time. You’ll only lose yourself while trying to fix him

none of what he does is intentional, its coming from a place of fear and insecurity hahahahaha!

Yup that's right, he treats you like crap accidentally, he didn't mean it, you took it the wrong way.

He needs therapy and you need to ditch him.

I'm not sure what to do now 😕

You're the only one here that doesn't.
He's toxic. Run.

Sounds like traits of borderline personality disorder/emotionally unstable PD. Not diagnosing, just throwing it out there because there is a pattern of behavior that never changes no matter how much you bend into a pretzel to keep things calm.

OP please understand that he is abusing you, you seem to have backtracked?

End the relationship now.

Dump, dump, dump.

Been there, left that. For over 20 years I thought I was dealing with a sensitive individual, turns out he is a covert narcissist abusive cunt. Credit to Mumsnet for providing a safe space to help me figure it out.

@everythingbackbutyou

Been there, left that. For over 20 years I thought I was dealing with a sensitive individual, turns out he is a covert narcissist abusive cunt. Credit to Mumsnet for providing a safe space to help me figure it out.

You absolutely cut to the chase there @everythingbackbutyou