Emotionally reactive bf

[Sugarsugars]

Hi all. I'm just looking for some advice as sometimes its hard to make sense of things when you're in the middle of it.

I've been seeing my bf for a year now. When we're getting along it's great but when we disagree everything falls apart. My bf is emotionally reactive and if we have a row he can overreact and have what i call a meltdown. When he's like that I can't reason with him as he doesn't listen to what I'm saying but if i try and remove myself from the situation he says I'm abandoning him and starts saying it's not working/we're over etc. If i go home then he will text constantly and accuse me of walking out. One day after a row I woke up to 23 texts.

A few examples:

After another meltdown I told him if we moved in together I was worried he would have a meltdown in front of my kids. His response was "you really think I'd harm your kids?" I never mentioned him harming them.

He always has an excuse for his reactions, usually that it was because of what I said/did. I grew up in an abusive household so I told him that my dad used to blame my mum for 'pushing him' when he beat her. His response was "you think I'd hit you?" Again, not what i said.

During a recent row he raised his voice and was arguing loudly so others could hear (we were in a public place) when i told him people would hear he just said "I don't care". That's the crux of it I think, he can't see anything apart from whats in his head at that point in time.

The latest thing was when I stayed over at his. We had a good night, had sex but took a break to cool off, but i then got tired and wanted to go to sleep. He wanted to carry on and argued with me when I said no. He actually said at one point that "his life was ending" because i wouldn't carry on. In the end I went down to sleep on the sofa because he kept on and on. Even then he kept coming downstairs asking me to go back to bed. When I told him the next day how uncomfortable it made me he said i made it sound like he was a rapist. He just couldn't see my point of view that I didn't think he would force himself on me (I know he wouldn't ever do that), it was the fact he kept arguing with me and trying to change my mind.

I asked him to see a therapist as he can't control his emotions when things go wrong and needs help to sort it out. He's really not keen though.

I'm not sure what to do now 😕

And now I’m scared to ever disagree. Or speak up about anything.
I don’t want the reactions. So I stay quiet wherever I can.
I don’t feel like myself anymore. I feel pathetic. And the worst bit is - the cycle of nice and nasty makes you crave the nice. I’m OBSESSED with getting validation from him.
Am I attractive enough, fun enough. Chilled out enough.
When in reality when I see things clearly - he is a waste of space and I have so much anger for the way he has treated me.
But I can’t seem to get away from wanting the good bits.
It’s so damaging. That subtle way of controlling you and silencing you. It’s eaten away at me.

Oh mandb23, are you able to exit the relationship?

Op, are you angry about how he treats you? You know it's not ok, that's why you posted here. This is a really important place to be, if you choose to stay with him then you might find you stop getting angry, you start silencing yourself, not speaking out when you don't want to have sex etc. Turning into a shadow.

Hold on to the part of you that isn't happy. He might one day change, he might one day seek treatment but let someone else find out. It's not your job to enlighten someone who isn't looking for answers.

Oh and OP, please stop with the "Emotionally Reactive" bullshit.

Where did you come up with that from?

He's more like "Nasty, Abusive, Sexually Coercive Boyfriend".

Read the posts on here again and again.
You have a truly awful life ahead of you if you stay with that nasty pig.

Don't throw your precious one life away when you are so young and have so mamy options.

Stop trying to understand him.

Just get away.

Good lord MandB I'm so sorry, thats awful! Do you have any support nearby?

You have dc's, you have to put them and yourself first. He is an abuser. Who constantly pushes your boundaries. Do you want him around your dc's? How old are they? Does he spend time with them?

I think if somebody doesn't make you feel safe in an argument then how do you solve difficult situations?
I know my husband and I can kill each other but I'm never afraid of him. I know he'll never hurt me.
We fight clean only argue about the topic not about what happened a year ago.
We've been together 31 years. We respect each other even when we have huge differences in opinion.

@Sugarsugars

Good lord MandB I'm so sorry, thats awful! Do you have any support nearby?

@Sugarsugars I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. we get by. Most of the time just plodding on. And it’s fine. I just know it isn’t right and for the one precious life we have I wish I was able to leave easier. I just thought I would tell you how that behaviour has played out for me. Because it seems small and it seems like it’s just an issue they have with handling emotions and you can excuse that because we all have some issues with that. But when they don’t think something is an issue then it isn’t going to get better. And when they get their own way all of the time by acting like that then they continue and for me it has escalated. I assume because of what I’ve accepted. Why would he respect me. I’m fine. Resigned to this life until I can get out. I just try to not engage with him about anything that might cause argument. And when I don’t care about the relationship that’s quite easy. I’m just trying to focus on the kids and actually getting a promotion at work so I can leave easier. But it’s really hard when the rest of my family think he’s wonderful. The thought of bursting that bubble is a worry. But I don’t want to live like this. Nobody should have to. Like a robot.

Monr0e, no he doesn't spend much time with them and like i said, he's the nicest person you could meet most of the time. My kids are nearly at uni age.

I'm really struggling with this. I'm not perfect, I have issues and mood swings etc, I'm not making excuses but I'm not an easy person to be with at times. Also, he has never forced me to have sex, that last incident was the only time I've felt uncomfortable. We had been drinking and he was more than tipsy and at one point I was ready to give in and said "fine" and went to lie down, he immediately said no, he wasn't going to force himself on me, he wanted to 'get me in the mood again' if that makes sense. That's why him saying i was calling him a rapist was so ridiculous because i know he would never do that. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses but I'm just trying to explain exactly what happened.

MandB, my heart goes out to you

Look up HSP (highly sensitive perosn)

Annabel that actually sounds like both of us!

I feel like I see where you’re coming from.
Mine too can be the nicest person. Will do anything I ask. Gets involved with the kids and housework.
One thing I’ve learnt though from putting up with one small thing after another is that respect is huge.
And I keep trying to think of it in - would I treat him that way? Would I speak to him that way? Would I ever ever want to encourage him to have sex with me if he had said he didn’t want to. And no I couldn’t imagine that. And then I know that it is wrong and isn’t how I want to be treated.
We deserve an equal amount of respect and care. That’s what’s lacking for me. Care for my feelings. And the more time has passed the more I see it in the tiny things and how that then shows up in big things too. He just doesn’t care about my feelings. Not before his own. Which maybe none of us should. But when in a situation where he has caused me harm and I’m sad about that - I do expect my feelings to come first. And they never will. It’s shit. Having to let go of that good bit when you know the answer is so easy. Like, just don’t be a dick!! But we can’t change people who don’t want to change.
It’s how willing are you to accept this side of him?
It’s hard. X

@Sugarsugars

Annabel that actually sounds like both of us!

I think as well with the tough time we're living in this year it can exacerbate it and small issues are more magnified as sensitivities are more heightened.

Sitting down together and discussing rationally when both calm can help. Beyond that anxiety medication/counselling etc.

I don't think he's intentionally manipulative or abusive. But he is very emotionally volatile. And not secure enough to deal with any criticism or fault. So he will still make a very stressful life partner and you'll be walking on eggshells constantly trying not to hurt his feelings.

It doesn't make him a bad man, and no doubt there will be equally volatile women who'll give him what for if he reacts like this, and shut it down quite sharpish. However, you are not those women, it is causing you stress, you do not like communicating in this way - so end it. Because you cannot change such ingrained behaviour. Find someone who is nice, loving AND can communicate with you in a way that suits you. How couples deal with conflict is important - you can have the best man on the planet, but if he causes so much stress and unpleasantness within the first year, he is NOT the right man for you.

You need to look up “Love Bombing” and “Gaslighting” to see if this is what your boyfriend is doing to you also. This is how he makes you feel like he is the most loving boyfriend ever, and how when you question his behaviour others will think you’re crazy. He’s nuts and you’re vulnerable. You need to get yourself and the kids away from him. He will soon be controlling everything.

Op, you have to ask yourself what behaviours are you moderating?

Jurassic I think you're completely right, none of what he does is intentional, its coming from a place of fear and insecurity. And yes, for some it may be ok but I definitely struggle.

Techway I don't understand the question?

I once had a relationship with someone like this. Why I didn't dump them at the first, second, third red flags, I don't know. Think I had low self esteem and zero sense of self worth. Some of his behaviour was exactly like how you have described, OP. He humiliated me in a restaurant one time, at a mutual friend's birthday party, he ruined a short break and he humiliated me in a work setting in front of colleagues with his 'meltdowns'. Plus loads more. He did get violent too, mainly throwing things and threatening to 'snap my spine'. My life improved buckets when I finally got myself together enough to dump the prick. Prepare for the emotional blackmail and LTB! Your life will be immeasurably happier and better without this abusive loser. Good luck xx

You do realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. All the words that you and MandB23 write are all those that abused women write.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Do not keep on making excuses for him. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of. Abuse is about power and control leaving YOU feeling fear and insecurity. His behaviour towards you is NOT OK for anybody. He targeted you deliberately and uses your own experiences growing up within an abusive household against you as well. He is truly a low life of a man and he remains volatile towards you. He likely too is all sweetness and light to those in the outside world; it is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

Such men like your abuser and the person that MandB23 describes are really one and the same; her man is abusive towards her too.

Also if he was actually feeling "fearful" and "insecure" its still no reason for him to treat you like this. There is no excuse or justification for his abusive behaviour towards you. You indeed grew up in an abusive household too. Sadly for you no-one thought it necessary to protect you from all that and you learnt a lot of damaging lessons from that time.

You have a choice re this man; your children do not. Make better choices for you and in turn your children going forward.

And what he does towards you is absolutely intentional; its designed to keep you controlled, coerced and feeling trapped.

What your own children are learning about relationships here is highly damaging and harmful to them going forward too.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Joint counselling too is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. The same with mediation; you won't be able to do that with him either.

@Sugarsugars

Jurassic I think you're completely right, none of what he does is intentional, its coming from a place of fear and insecurity. And yes, for some it may be ok but I definitely struggle.

NOOOO!!! DO NOT give him that out op!

He is an adult, and I say this as a person who was neglected and abused a child I made a choice to not let it affect my parenting, and to not follow the "rules" that my mother set out.

He is NOT a person who is not able to control himself, he is fully in control. Otherwise he would be melting down at work too.

@MandB23 Your story is shocking! You are being abused, and do not deserve this. PLEASE be careful. Abusive men escalate. Always.

It is abuse OP. And @MandB23 it's not ok and I hope you decide you can get out.

My sibling is like this, just as a sibling; I dread to think what he's like with his partner.
With me he has meltdowns, conversations escalating into uncontrolled shouting (by him) if I say a word wrong or disagree with him, abusive name-calling and accusations, and the texts, multiple texts (sometimes over 25 long rambling messages with name-calling and put-dorms included). Never takes responsibility afterwards, even if apologises it's a non-apology. It's got worse as he's got older. I've gone NC.

I agree that the more you give in to it, the worse it gets. He can also be a very charming person and fools some people for a while. Deeply fucked up from childhood but I had the same awful parents and don't behave like that to people.