Do maintenance shags work?

DumbleDorkReturns · 2020-10-17T22:46:30+00:00

As the title says really. Can't post in sex topic as not been a member long enough. Won't bore you with the details but it's the big standard long term relationship with kids, less time for sex so have it less, one of us wanting more than the other, one more willing to talk about sex and stuff they want to do etc. Was speaking to a friend about how long it's been and she said to schedule sex and I was a bit [hmm] Do maintenance shags or scheduling sex actually help relationships? As in putting the spark back in or once the sex is gone is the relationship doomed? Thanks

Brazenhussy0 · 17/10/2020 23:57

Success of this probably depends on the reason for the lack of sex. If you both want it but lack the time or energy it could work to carve out set time for it.

However, it definitely wouldn’t have worked for me. My last relationship ended after 7 years because of my loss of desire for my partner over the final 2 years. He wanted it, I didn’t. So I found myself making excuses not to do it and dreading the occasions where I knew it would be expected or I had no excuse. It was awful for both of us so I ended the relationship when the pressure got too much, and set us both free - we are both now with new partners.

In our situation scheduling sex would have caused a huge amount of anxiety in me. If your situation is the former then it may work for you but beware of the latter situation if one of you seems less bothered about sex than the other.

Fidgety31 · 18/10/2020 00:01

Yes I think it helps a lot and we certainly do it

Ohalrightthen · 18/10/2020 00:02

They do for me. I've got a low drive, and a very patient husband, but i always enjoy it once we get going so i make an effort to initiate once every 5 days or so. Or i did pre-baby, now it's more like every week/10 days, because sleep deprivation. Ive always done that. He doesn't initiate much because I'm rarely in the mood so he ends up getting turned down a lot which doesn't feel nice, so it's my job to decide when we have sex. It suits me perfectly.

We also have spontaneous, got-the-urge sex, and romantic special occasion sex, and generally really good sex. It's just not like it was when we first got together. Probably because we're not 19 now.

gaggiagirl · 18/10/2020 00:06

I would never say that one partner should have sex if they don't want to.
I often don't want to because I'm busy with house work and life admin, I'm a bit tired or stressed. That's my only reason though. Not that I don't love or fancy him. So if I schedule it, I feel it really gives us that spark back and a bit of pep for the week ahead and it reconnects us. If we didn't have regular sex I think we could easily drift apart due to the pressures of busy lives.

SoulofanAggron · 18/10/2020 01:00

They do for me. I've got a low drive, and a very patient husband, but i always enjoy it once we get going so i make an effort to initiate once every 5 days or so. Or i did pre-baby, now it's more like every week/10 days, because sleep deprivation. Ive always done that. He doesn't initiate much because I'm rarely in the mood so he ends up getting turned down a lot which doesn't feel nice, so it's my job to decide when we have sex. It suits me perfectly.

@Ohalrightthen I think OP is more asking about when people schedule an exact day. Rigid scheduling wouldn't work for me as if I don't want it I don't want it and I think women making themselves or having to have sex when they don't want it isn't good.

Your scheduling is more of a moveable feast based on when you can bring yourself to do it.

I still don't see that as living the dream. I plan never to have sex when I'm not in the mood again.

PolkadotGiraffe · 18/10/2020 01:28

I think the idea is a bit grim. What happens if you get to the scheduled time and one of you isn't in the mood? It could lead to more disappointment. Maybe just both try to be more open about how you feel if you are horny and flirt more so that it happens more often in a natural way that doesn't feel forced. I find the idea of scheduling it a bit ick. But each to their own!

LilyLongJohn · 18/10/2020 07:12

Yes i think It does work. My kids are older now and we live in a small house, plus my dh is uncomfortable having sex when the kids are around, so we always have sex, a couple of times eow, when the dc are at their Dads. I'm the one with the lower sex drive and sometimes even then I may not feel like it, but I know it's important to my dh so will always make the effort.

FippertyGibbett · 18/10/2020 07:47

Yes, scheduling it means that the one wanting it won’t pester the one not wanting it.
And you tend to get into it once you get going !

Monty12345 · 18/10/2020 07:58

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Mumoftwo12345 · 18/10/2020 08:01

Yes we do. Not set exact date, but depending on work rotas so neither one of us is too tired or in a rush. Works for us.

Ohalrightthen · 18/10/2020 08:04

@PolkadotGiraffe

I think the idea is a bit grim. What happens if you get to the scheduled time and one of you isn't in the mood? It could lead to more disappointment. Maybe just both try to be more open about how you feel if you are horny and flirt more so that it happens more often in a natural way that doesn't feel forced. I find the idea of scheduling it a bit ick. But each to their own!

Yeah, but that only works if you actually get horny spontaneously. For lots and lots and lots of people, that happens relatively infrequently. If we only had sex when i felt like it out of the blue, we'd only do it a handful of times a year. And we do plenty of flirting, playful conversations, compliments, physical affection etc. I just have to make time for sex - when we get going i enjoy it. Sex is excellent. I just don't get horny.

Cumbersome · 18/10/2020 08:04

I'm the one with the lower sex drive and sometimes even then I may not feel like it, but I know it's important to my dh so will always make the effort.

See, this makes me feel queasy. How much 'not feeling like it' are you and your DH prepared to ignore? What if the 'not feeling like it' persists, gets worse? At what point do you just say No to sex? And what does your DH do then?

Cumbersome · 18/10/2020 08:06

Funny how it's always the woman who has to get over her lack of 'horniness', isn't it?

Anothernick · 18/10/2020 08:32

These definitely worked for us. We made a deal when the DC were young and sex was in danger of slipping off the agenda that we should try not to go more than a week without. Of course there have been occasions when one of us was not especially keen on the idea but went ahead to please the other. But as others have said you usually get into it once you start and feel better in yourself and closer to your DP afterwards.

Sex is the glue in an LTR, how often do you read posts on here in which people list what s wrong in their relationship, ending with "and we no longer have sex"? Very often. And how often to you read posts listing what's wrong and ending "but we have a great sex life"? Almost never. And that because a lack of sex magnifies other problems in a relationship whereas continued sexual satisfaction diminishes them.

"I disagree with you about x AND I'm not happy with out sex life."

" I disagree with you about X BUT you give me a good time sexually so I won't push it."

The second of these thoughts has gone through my mind many times during my relationship with my DW, which has now lasted 30 years, during which we have probably not gone more than two weeks without sex apart from the aftermath of childbirth. It's an essential foundation to a solid and lasting partnership.

usernamewastaken · 18/10/2020 08:34

@Cumbersome

Funny how it's always the woman who has to get over her lack of 'horniness', isn't it?

Absolutely agree with this. It's the woman who is encouraged to "just get on with it" to 'pacify' and keep the peace and "you'll get into it once you start". I've been told "but that's how men show love". Fuck off I'm not your affection charging station.

FippertyGibbett · 18/10/2020 08:35

@Cumbersome

Funny how it's always the woman who has to get over her lack of 'horniness', isn't it?

Yes, no one ever mentions the man who is on antidepressants and a bottle of wine a day with a wife frustrated in bed alone.

BasinHaircut · 18/10/2020 08:50

@Anothernick on the flip side of that IRL I know plenty of couples that have (apparently) amazing sex lives, but I wouldn’t swap my relationship for theirs in a million years as some of the other aspects sound utterly shit. Think useless fathers, heavy drinkers, blazing rows every 5 minutes. No amount of good sex that I craved every 5 minutes would make me put up with that.

DH and I don’t schedule regular sex, but if we stay in a hotel, DS is away from the night etc then we always do it.

This year we have probably only had sex 6 times, 4 of those on the rare occasions that we have been in the house without DS (thanks lockdown) or in a hotel overnight.

I don’t schedule sex as the thought of that makes me want it less than usual. It’s not that I don’t want sex with DH (as others say once you start you like it), I just can’t muster up the enthusiasm. My sex drive is low and I am constantly tired from the demands of everyday life.

I know DH would like sex more often, and 6 times is a year is much less than normal, but it’s really not the most important thing in our relationship at this life stage.

BoudiccasBoudoir · 18/10/2020 09:10

I don't know why we are so obsessed with sex being completely spontaneous when everything else in our lives is mostly planned. We schedule movie nights, date nights, family days out, time with our friends, time to exercise, time for self care. Why not schedule time for intimacy too? So long as there are no issues with consent, I think that taking time to reconnect with a partner and that being scheduled just says you are prioritising them and your relationship. If you write "blow Job, 15 mins, at 8pm Friday" on the calendar I can see how that might be pretty rubbish, but planning to put the kids to bed early on Friday and go to bed together and see what happens? That can completely be as much part of a loving relationship as a spontaneous morning quickie in the shower, or whatever.

Some people have to get in the mood in the sense that they like to be showered and not have morning breath, wearing something they feel sexy/confident in, some music on candles lit etc. It can be really hard to switch from busy life to sexual intimacy and taking the time to set the scene and plan some time can mean it's easier to feel relaxed happy etc. I don't think making an appointment is necessarily a bad thing at all.

Colourmeclear · 18/10/2020 10:35

It probably can but it needs to be in the right relationship. I thought I was having maintenance sex in my last relationship, turned out I was being horribly abused.

With my new partner we don't have sex but we do talk about the weekends and hoping something happens but it's always a possibility and never an expectation.

Confused555 · 18/10/2020 11:20

We are at maintenance sex stage, the problem is for me though, I never orgasm before it ends and I’m always left frustrated and wanting more and also I want to add more dynamics and variation to our sex life but it’s not going to happen.

KLF6 · 18/10/2020 12:16

What’s the alternative if you don’t? Sounds like no sex and drifting apart so whilst it’s hardly romantic or mind blowing, If it keeps people together, particularly when you have children, then it is worth a go in my opinion. I split up from my first husband due to problems we had, the main one being a lack of intimacy that created a gulf so wide that we had nothing left.

Babaoreally · 18/10/2020 14:31

I think that people often shudder at the thought of scheduling time for intimacy- but then at the beginning of a relationship people do it quite willingly- arrange to stay over etc.
If a feeling of obligation creeps in then NO - it’s a bad bad idea - but if it works for both in giving time to rediscover and enjoy each other then it can work I think?

BlusteryShowers · 18/10/2020 14:47

@Cumbersome

I'm the one with the lower sex drive and sometimes even then I may not feel like it, but I know it's important to my dh so will always make the effort.

See, this makes me feel queasy. How much 'not feeling like it' are you and your DH prepared to ignore? What if the 'not feeling like it' persists, gets worse? At what point do you just say No to sex? And what does your DH do then?

See I don't interpret this in the same way. Sometimes sex can be like exercise where you can't really be arsed but you know it's good for you and once you make an effort to get started you'll enjoy it.

It's different if you're being coerced but if the decision is fully yours and there are no repercussions if it doesn't end up happening then I don't see an issue.

burnoutbabe · 18/10/2020 14:53

at University they make us do a course on consent and apparently, in a long term relationship "oh go on then" is NOT consent. It must be fully enthusiastic consent.

So that lost me a mark on that test.

(and at the start it is scheduled - you have DATES and STAY OVER and go away for weekends. its once its there every single day on moving in that the incentive dies down as its on tap so to speak)

OldWomanSaysThis · 18/10/2020 15:37

I know a couple who schedules it because he needs to know not to drink alcohol that day so his dick will get hard and she needs to smoke weed to get in the mood and she needs to get the prescription lube going in advance.

The joy of aging.