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Original poster

Do maintenance shags work?

63 replies

DumbleDorkReturns · 17/10/2020 23:46

As the title says really. Can't post in sex topic as not been a member long enough.

Won't bore you with the details but it's the big standard long term relationship with kids, less time for sex so have it less, one of us wanting more than the other, one more willing to talk about sex and stuff they want to do etc.

Was speaking to a friend about how long it's been and she said to schedule sex and I was a bit Hmm

Do maintenance shags or scheduling sex actually help relationships? As in putting the spark back in or once the sex is gone is the relationship doomed?

Thanks

OP posts:
mercutio12 · 18/10/2020 15:44

I wouldn't plan it with your partner, but maybe schedule it yourself mentally.

I have a lower sex drive than DP and aim to proposition him twice a week. He is always up for it, so I would rather take charge of when it happens rather than having to reject him if I'm not in the mood. It also makes him feel desired.

Plussizejumpsuit · 18/10/2020 15:52

I don't think it is always the woman who has the lower sex drive and is therefore being encouraged to just get on with it. I think that's a really unhelpful stereotype for people who have the alternative experience. It makes high sex drive in women and low sex drive in men seem abnormal.

OP there is a big difference between maintenance sex and scheduling. I'm not really sure what maintenance sex is but I guess it's just having a meh shag to keep your partner sweet. I can't see that working long term as it's just going to build resentment.

But making time for sex say for example consciously going to bed early or not planning things for when you have to house to yourself is just making sure sex has time to happen in a busy life.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 18/10/2020 16:01

I schedule it mentally, rather than an exact day. I can easily forget about sex during a busy week, but DH feels miserable if we’re not intimate regularly. My sex drive is lower than it used to be and he thinks I don’t fancy him as much. Not true, I’m just abit knackered and preoccupied. Plus the joys of perimenopause.😂

burnoutbabe · 18/10/2020 16:05

one can have sexual activity with partner without actually having penetrative sex. One can "lend a hand" without actually feeling horny one's self? a sort of half way house.

firesong · 18/10/2020 16:25

I don't know about maintenance exactly, but in longer relationships I have found if we generally have sex a couple of times a week the relationship feels better. More harmonious, more romantic. I like regular sex though. I imagine it's harder if you're actually grossed out at the prospect.

firesong · 18/10/2020 16:26

Oh I should have said I would HATE scheduled sex though! It's got to have some spontaneity

backtothefuture · 18/10/2020 16:29

Works for us. Of course if the other doesn't really want it, then it does not happen. Personally if I doing something then I go all in, even if I'm not totally in to then I'll make sure to make an effort for DH.

Viviennemary · 18/10/2020 16:31

This thread is enough to put anyone off sex for life. It's making it into a worse task than taking out the bins or cleaning the oven.

Plussizejumpsuit · 18/10/2020 16:55

@Viviennemary

This thread is enough to put anyone off sex for life. It's making it into a worse task than taking out the bins or cleaning the oven.
Hoe is making it similar to those tasks? There's loads of stuff people enjoy but wouldn't happen if you don't make time for it. I personally don't really schedule sex as I have quite a high sex drive. But it soulds like you're shaming people for doing what works for them.
Viviennemary · 18/10/2020 17:16

Sorry if it came over that way. I was just giving an opinion. I can see why busy people need to make time.

Ohalrightthen · 18/10/2020 18:42

@burnoutbabe

one can have sexual activity with partner without actually having penetrative sex. One can "lend a hand" without actually feeling horny one's self? a sort of half way house.
I think actually a lot of women would really hate doing that. I know i do.
Original poster
DumbleDorkReturns · 18/10/2020 19:18

Wow so many responses!!

It's not as bad as it sounds. We've just had different schedules with work etc and it's now been 4 months since we even kissed. But then he's not interested in talking about it so I don't know if scheduling will help

OP posts:
StormBaby · 18/10/2020 19:23

I had a terrible time with my ex husband, I had such a low sex drive and it really affected both of us. Scheduling did not help us at all. I would’ve quite happily gone without forever.
I’m now remarried and sex is just so easy for us. It has tailed off naturally but I’m the one who wants it more(my sex drive blossomed at age 35), the more I get the more I want, there’s never any pressure, we both initiate, if we are too tired it’s no big deal...it’s just lovely.

emmylousings · 18/10/2020 19:37

Making occasional 'appointments' at a time when you know you will have the place to yourselves, especially if it can be daytime (so you are not knackered); that can make a big difference I think.
It's not about an 'obligation', it's part of being in a loving adult relationship and it helps bind you together.

CrappleUmble · 18/10/2020 21:04

I like knowing I have it to look forward to when we schedule it. But I think this only works if you both want to and know you will enjoy the sex.

ZaphodDent · 18/10/2020 23:33

@Ohalrightthen
"I think actually a lot of women would really hate doing that. I know i do."

I'm in a situation where my wife has zero interest in sex. I find that pretty difficult, but don't want to end the marriage. I've asked if she could at least help me out a bit, but I hate asking. I've asked her if she could spontaneously do it but she never does. Why is it such a horrible thing to do? Do I really need to end my marriage because giving a hand job is such a terrible thing? Maybe it is and I simply never realised.

Ohalrightthen · 18/10/2020 23:41

[quote ZaphodDent]@Ohalrightthen
"I think actually a lot of women would really hate doing that. I know i do."

I'm in a situation where my wife has zero interest in sex. I find that pretty difficult, but don't want to end the marriage. I've asked if she could at least help me out a bit, but I hate asking. I've asked her if she could spontaneously do it but she never does. Why is it such a horrible thing to do? Do I really need to end my marriage because giving a hand job is such a terrible thing? Maybe it is and I simply never realised.[/quote]
If i don't want to have penetrative sex then i also don't want to give handjobs. It's all the same thing. If i asked my husband to fuck me and he said no, i wouldn't then ask him to finger me instead.

ZaphodDent · 18/10/2020 23:44

You're right. I'm just going to leave. There has got to be more to life than this.

Ohalrightthen · 18/10/2020 23:46

[quote ZaphodDent]@Ohalrightthen
"I think actually a lot of women would really hate doing that. I know i do."

I'm in a situation where my wife has zero interest in sex. I find that pretty difficult, but don't want to end the marriage. I've asked if she could at least help me out a bit, but I hate asking. I've asked her if she could spontaneously do it but she never does. Why is it such a horrible thing to do? Do I really need to end my marriage because giving a hand job is such a terrible thing? Maybe it is and I simply never realised.[/quote]
Doing anything sexual when you don't feel sexual is absolutely grim, ime. It makes you feel dirty and miserable, like you're a thing not a person.

Also, having read what youve written there, the end of your marriage is likely a lot more to do with your shitty belief that your wife owes you sex than anything she is or isn't doing.

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/10/2020 23:54

It can work OP and when it does it's beneficial on so many levels.Wink

burnoutbabe · 19/10/2020 00:05

Your husband may well not be able to get it up for sone reason but happy to pleasure you?
If the woman wants to do stuff but doesn't want penetration, other activities are fine.
It depends reason for not wanting it? Not having a sex drive doesn't mean you don't still want to make partner happy if you can?
It doesn't make every women feel dirty and used.

Candyfloss99 · 19/10/2020 00:06

No. Find someone you fancy enough to want to have sex with regularly, not because it's scheduled.

veraismyspiritanimal · 19/10/2020 00:07

@Ohalrightthen how is he making out his wife owes him sex? It is actually okay to want sex as part of a loving relationship and to want your lover to want to pleasure you you know? Otherwise you could simply live with your best friend?

Candyfloss99 · 19/10/2020 00:08

[quote ZaphodDent]@Ohalrightthen
"I think actually a lot of women would really hate doing that. I know i do."

I'm in a situation where my wife has zero interest in sex. I find that pretty difficult, but don't want to end the marriage. I've asked if she could at least help me out a bit, but I hate asking. I've asked her if she could spontaneously do it but she never does. Why is it such a horrible thing to do? Do I really need to end my marriage because giving a hand job is such a terrible thing? Maybe it is and I simply never realised.[/quote]
I think you do need to end it yes. It sounds like neither of you are happy. She doesn't fancy you anymore. You both deserve more.

BubblyBarbara · 19/10/2020 00:16

If they can’t stay close without having their Willy played with, they are not the man worth staying with in my opinion. You need a man who’s around for the whole marriage

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