Do maintenance shags work?

[DumbleDorkReturns]

As the title says really. Can't post in sex topic as not been a member long enough.

Won't bore you with the details but it's the big standard long term relationship with kids, less time for sex so have it less, one of us wanting more than the other, one more willing to talk about sex and stuff they want to do etc.

Was speaking to a friend about how long it's been and she said to schedule sex and I was a bit

Do maintenance shags or scheduling sex actually help relationships? As in putting the spark back in or once the sex is gone is the relationship doomed?

Thanks

I would hate maintenance or scheduled sex. If I’m not feeling up for it in the first place, it’s very unlikely I’ll come or even particularly enjoy the sex, and then I would end up feeling resentful. I’m amazed at all these women who don’t feel like it but do once it gets going - definitely not how I work.

On the other hand, I do think it’s sensible to make sure there is opportunity for you to feel like having sex iyswim, such as going to bed early enough that you’re not exhausted, turning the tv off so you can chat and connect, sit cuddling on the sofa, flirt a bit, maybe even read something erotic - basically take positive steps to get yourself in the mood rather than expecting it to happen magically.

@BasinHaircut

This is me too, good to hear someone else say it!

Quality sex requires passion. I think l have what would be regarded as a high sex drive; it has certainly got higher as l have got older too (early 40s).

But I’ve always tried to avoid sex becoming something you do when you go to bed at night. I try not to confuse “sleeping bed” with “sex bed”. Aside from those who have young children, if you make time during the day over a weekend or a day off, without sticking it on the calendar it can work wonders.

They do for me. I've got a low drive, and a very patient husband, but i always enjoy it once we get going so i make an effort to initiate once every 5 days or so

This for me too. I enjoy sex but I dont "need" it in the same we DP does. I don't ever get randomly horny, that only happens once we start. I try to be mindful that DP has a very high sex drive and while I never do it if I don't want to I make an effort. Really helps to talk about it regularly too, even if it feels awkward!

My stepdaughters are with their dad every other weekend so in a sense it is 'scheduled' then.

I have a higher sex drive than my partner but it is still important to her, and our drives are within what I'd consider "compatibility" distance.

She does hate the idea of it being scheduled though. So it might be scheduled but that's not the same as consent. Consent is when she's still game when the time comes. She's said she's not in the mood a couple of times (more so in the earlier days) and that's fine - then the important thing is that we do something else together (either intimate like a massage for her or just a movie with some wine) with absolutely zero sulking. It's been actually years since this happened now, I think because she knows it wouldn't be an issue if it did?

She obviously still enjoys it a lot when it happens, and we try and flirt a lot in the meantime - I can actually 'do without' a lot longer if I feel like the flame is still there anyway? We have three kids (and one is mine so it's not like 'dad weekend' is a complete clean slate for us) so we have to be realistic.

I know she tried scheduling it with her ex but it felt like he was basically in stasis and waiting for it the whole time in between, which pretty much put a nail in her libido.

So it works for is, but we make sure to do it right for us - zero pressure despite it being scheduled.

Doing anything sexual when you don't feel sexual is absolutely grim, ime. It makes you feel dirty and miserable, like you're a thing not a person.

Absolutely this. But that's not (imo) the same as scheduling sex. You schedule because you've got busy diaries or lives and it would be pushed to one side otherwise. And although it can be hard to switch off all the competing demands, once you're actually at the 'allocated timeslot'! the competing demands tend to recede because you have a partner who is making you feel sexual which then enables you to enjoy it.

How's it any different to scheduling a date night/night seeing friends?

Reminds of the Flight of the Concords song Business time...

Wednesday night is the night that we usually make love
Monday night is my night to cook
Tuesday night we go and visit your mother
But Wednesday we make sweet love!

Scheduling works for us too, it's a suggestion not a summons. DH doesn't have to if he doesn't want to and neither do I. We do like one another so it's usually on

@Laserbird16

Reminds of the Flight of the Concords song Business time...

Wednesday night is the night that we usually make love
Monday night is my night to cook
Tuesday night we go and visit your mother
But Wednesday we make sweet love!

I think the discussion has missed some fundamental points. Sex is often hard to maintain in a long-term relationship because sex is in many ways fuelled by the opposite of love. Yes good sex feeds into maintaining love, but paradoxically what makes sex happen is desire, and desire is driven by a sense of the unknown. Love is about support, stability, reliability and these things undermine desire. So it often breaks down.

A majority of people in studies on LTRs report that the times they feel most attracted to their partner are when they see them "holding court"; doing what they are best at. Their work, their passions, their hobbies etc. Excelling at something. And this reintroduces the "otherness" and reminds them why they fell in love with that person and reintroduces attraction so that sex is desired, not forced and boring and routine.

A poster describing it as similar to exercise regimes is so depressing. It should never seem like a chore. Both partners need to put in the effort to continue to make themselves desirable to the other one, so that sex is desired on both sides. Otherwise it is doomed to failure.

Time apart, having your own jobs/ interests/ hobbies/ friends. Not being under each other's feet 24/7 and actually having time and space to miss rather than irritate each other, are so important to keep a relationship going. Flames need fuel and oxygen to stay alive.

The idea of scheduling sex fundamentally undermines the way desire works, the idea of the unknown, or excitement. Far better to surprise someone than schedule it in a diary... it's no coincidence that couples who struggle with fertility and get into a cycle of having to schedule sex for more fertile times often have relationship breakdowns (obviously much other stress and sadness at play too, but it has an impact). Anything on your "to do" list is never going to feel like fun, just another chore. It is such a destructive idea, for a majority of people (it may work for some but they are the outliers based on the research on this).

Good sex does help to maintain a relationship and feed into intimacy and love but for most people a long-term satisfying sex life won't be achieved by scheduled sex because that is the death of desire and spontaneity, and therefore for each person feeling genuinely desired. Going through the motions is no substitute, even if it ends up being physically enjoyable once you start. It may work as a short term way to keep things going through tough times like when you have tiny children, but not as a permanent way to live.

LaserBird16 my friend played that clip at a 50th birthday party for a mutual friend. So funny and yet so true. 😂😂

I don't schedule sex but if it's been a while I will suggest it even if I'm not really in the mood as I think it's important. Sometimes I really enjoy it, sometimes it's a bit meh but it keeps things going.