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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can’t shake this thought out of my mind 😩

60 replies

simona310 · 17/10/2020 23:29

Ok please don’t jump on your high horses. I’ve been married 11 years now and we’ve got two wonderful children. My husband can also only be described as ‘wonderful’ especially by everyone around us. And they’re right, he would make the perfect husband for someone, but not me. I feel awful and I know I can’t just leave him, but I can’t stop fantasising about having an affair. Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? Did you manage to stop your imagination running wild or did you give in to temptation?? I feel like I’m going mad and the prospect of another lockdown is driving me closer to pursuing something outside of my marriage. I know it’s probably incredibly selfish but I’m just not happy but I can’t bear to break my husband’s heart and leave 😩

OP posts:
FlatScreenTV01 · 17/10/2020 23:32

If you're female you won't be flamed.

mummyof2lou · 17/10/2020 23:36

Is it an affair with someone in particular you want, that you've perhaps had your head turned by? Not at all judging, but wonder if it's a person you want an affair with, or a person you haven't yet met. What is it that you are looking for in an affair that your husband isn't providing in your marriage?

WatchTooMuchBelowDeck · 17/10/2020 23:38

Try to focus on what it is you're seeking from looking outside the marriage. Is it validation/attention, sexual fulfilment, are you just bored? What exactly is it? If you're just craving something, and you actually love your husband and want to stay with him, you need to work on whatever it is either on your own or together with him through open honest communication with each other. Who knows, your marriage could come out better than ever.

If you just fundamentally are not in love with him and don't think you want to be with him, don't have the affair. Address that and the consequences of that for all your sakes.

Either way, an affair is not the answer!

Original poster
simona310 · 17/10/2020 23:45

I just want to feel those butterflies again. Sorry that’s so cringe. But you know what I mean, hopefully 🤦‍♀️ There is a guy I work with who’s a bit of a flirt, not just with me to be fair, but sometimes I imagine what would happen if I were to start flirting back. I did google one of the dating sites for people looking for affairs but I couldn’t go through with creating an account.

OP posts:
Original poster
simona310 · 17/10/2020 23:48

Thanks. I know you’re right. I just can’t shake the thought out of my head. Sometimes I think maybe a cheeky little flirt would be enough but I just don’t know where to draw the line and whether even a flirt might be seen as being unfaithful

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 17/10/2020 23:49

“and I know I can’t just leave him” ..... why? Leaving isn’t selfish at all.
Living a lie, cheating and being deceptive is. Maybe you’ll be doing him a favour, rather than breaking his heart, let him find someone who will love him!Wink
But what do you really want excitement, passion? What’s your sex life like now? Why would you want the mess of an affair and who with?! ... during a pandemic Confused. Are you just bored?

Knickerthief1 · 18/10/2020 00:03

I really don't understand the logic that says I can't leave him because it will hurt him but I can have an affair. If you have an affair he will inevitably find out and he will be totally devastated. Please be fair and leave him now. He sounds like he doesn't deserve this.

BrummyMum1 · 18/10/2020 00:12

You’re going to throw your husband of 11 years in the bin because you’re fantasising about a “flirty” person at work. Hmm

At least dabble in a different mid life crisis cliche first. How about buying a fast car or taking up an extreme sport?

Bettysnow · 18/10/2020 00:40

Follow that thought of an affair up with one where a bomb explodes in your life as sadly this will be the reality of what you will have to deal with if you have one!
At least seek counselling to help you understand why this is happening.
Maybe your marriage has had its day and maybe not but do everything in your power to prevent hurting anyone before a clean break!

Onxob · 18/10/2020 00:48

If you're fantasizing about affairs then leaving him really is the kinder option... if you went through with it and he found out (which in all likelihood he would) then you would destroy him and your DC would never forgive you - quite rightly too. If you left him it could potentially be done amicably with minimal damage. He'd be hurt but nowhere near as bitter/crushed than if you had an affair.

Have you ever really loved/fancied him or did you "settle"? If you used to find him attractive at the beginning, if he gave you "butterflies" then there's every chance you could get that back. Drag your thoughts away from infidelity and put your focus into reviving your relationship and getting the romance back.

If you did "settle" and you care for him like a friend but he's never been able to drive you wild then you're in trouble as those relationships rarely work out long term.

myhobbyisouting · 18/10/2020 01:03

"My husband can also only be described as ‘wonderful’ especially by everyone around us"

This suggests they're not necessarily right when they fawn all over him.

amusedtodeath1 · 18/10/2020 01:17

Okay, you're not feeling fulfilled in your relationship, you don't want to leave.

It's completely normal for people in unsatisfactory relationships to fantasize about affairs, flirting. It's a symptom not a solution though.

My advice would be to work on your relationship, counselling would be helpful. If you then feel the same, you leave before you act on it. Affairs are messy, damaging and ultimately not what you're really looking for.

Dontletitbeyou · 18/10/2020 02:56

You don’t want to leave your husband because you don’t want to break his heart . But having an affair would be ok ? I can’t even begin to understand this .
If you’re not happy to the point that you’re dreaming about having an affair , then either you need to sit down and work really hard on getting your relationship back to a good place , or leave . I don’t believe that cheating is ever the solution

Antonov · 18/10/2020 03:16

Affairs, butterflies and divorce do not go together. Get your divorce completed first and do it honourably. This means putting the plans your libido has on the back burner for 12 to 18 months.

If you have the affair in order to create the catalyst for the divorce and the permanent family split you will emotionally fuck your children over.

Raidblunner · 18/10/2020 03:25

You should be talking to your husband and telling him how you feel. If I or anyone were him its always better to hear the truth rather than be shat on. Ultimately your no longer in love with him or sexually attracted to him. You don't want to hurt him but trust me he'll hate you for cheating.
If you have any respect left for him and your family be honest.

bebarkered · 18/10/2020 06:06

OP, you said, and, I quote, "he would make the perfect husband for someone, but, not me". And, there you have your answer. I know you feel that you can't 'just leave him', but, bear this in mind, an ending is a positive thing as it creates a new beginning, for both of you X

Babaoreally · 18/10/2020 07:43

Hi OP
I think the feeling you’ve described is familiar to just about everyone in a long term relationship. Who doesn’t sometimes think about the novelty and excitement of sex with someone new? I’m sure your DH would understand because I imagine he will have had similar feelings but not acted out of loyalty to you. There’s a big difference between what we think and what we do!

So the questions are - why is this thought becoming so compelling? What is it about your DH or your relationship that makes you dissatisfied? And why do you think you are entitled to eat your cake and have it and deceive and lie to get it?
And as others say - you haven’t thought this through-because all cheaters affairs start as bit of fun they can handle and think they’ll get away with. You will lose sight of reality soon if you continue - but maybe read through the threads here where affairs are discovered-because it’s horrific.

Lifeinparadise · 18/10/2020 13:57

I feel like everyone’s being really quick to judge here

deardiary13 · 18/10/2020 14:06

Wow. Surely everyone's free to do what they please... life's too short, right??

Babaoreally · 18/10/2020 14:24

@Lifeinparadise - I don’t think there is much judgment on this thread- just warning that infidelity is usually brutally destructive to families, and the deceit and betrayal leave deep scars, for what starts as “enjoying ‘butterflies’.”

MikeUniformMike · 18/10/2020 14:33

If you have an affair, you will destroy 4 people's lives, possibly more.

mummyof2lou · 18/10/2020 14:39

I think 'destroy' is a little harsh and worst case scenario thinking. The sort of thinking that keeps people in unhappy marriages for the rest of their days

MikeUniformMike · 18/10/2020 14:40

But the person you will hurt most is yourself. Your children and husband might forgive you, but will you forgive yourself?

You will lose most of your friends, and as soon as your husband is single, any single women will pounce on him.

Your parents and siblings might forgive you, but chances are they'll take your husband's side.

Take along hard look at what is really missing in your life, and do something less desructive than look for greener grass.

AKissAndASmile · 18/10/2020 14:43

If this was a bloke posting he'd rightly be getting his arse handed to him on a plate.

MikeUniformMike · 18/10/2020 14:44

Maybe destroy is a bit too harsh, but the bomb exploding comparison was spot on.