I can’t shake this thought out of my mind 😩

[simona310]

Ok please don’t jump on your high horses. I’ve been married 11 years now and we’ve got two wonderful children. My husband can also only be described as ‘wonderful’ especially by everyone around us. And they’re right, he would make the perfect husband for someone, but not me. I feel awful and I know I can’t just leave him, but I can’t stop fantasising about having an affair. Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? Did you manage to stop your imagination running wild or did you give in to temptation?? I feel like I’m going mad and the prospect of another lockdown is driving me closer to pursuing something outside of my marriage. I know it’s probably incredibly selfish but I’m just not happy but I can’t bear to break my husband’s heart and leave 😩

Nobody deserves to be cheated on, pull yourself together.

My suggestion would be to really truly honestly sit with what you having an affair would do to him, your children and yourself - don't sugar-coat it, think through how all the worst case scenarios would feel to you.

I also encourage you to sit with what it is that you miss, and how it might be paddocks to bring those things into your relationship. How about getting a bit more adventurous in the bedroom for example? Or instigating more flirting - you can definitely flirt with your long term partner, not just new ones!

I think it is perfectly normal to fantasise about having an affair. As long as it stays in your head, no harm done.

I understand. For me, it was a sign that my marriage wasn’t right. In retrospect it was emotionally and financially abusive, but I couldn’t let myself see that at the time. In my denial, I escaped into fantasies of being loved.

I’d suggest you have counselling to see the truth of your marriage, in case it’s worse than you’re letting yourself realise, or if you’re just frustrated at monogamy (which I think is common) and you could fix it by taking up an exciting hobby, or progressing your career

The grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence.

But if you jump over you will probably find that it's a muddy quagmire nowhere near as good as the ground you are currently standing on.

You need to be telling your husband what you've told us. That you're not happy, you've gone off him. That he's done nothing wrong.

Then take it from there. Height be feeling the same but carrying in with a pretence. He deserves your honesty.

You actually are entitled to feel however you feel, regardless of if it's right or wrong. However your integrity will determine how you behave.

You can choose to sit on these feelings and see if they disappear. You can speak to your husband and try and work through it, or you can decide that you don't have a way forward.

I think anyone can get to a point with a partner where they want some thing else (even with someone you love and who seems perfect) and there is nothing wrong if you feel strongly about it to pursue this - but the correct and least painful way is to let everyone know and act when your free to do so.

I know it’s probably incredibly selfish but I’m just not happy but I can’t bear to break my husband’s heart and leave
I hate this excuse - the number one out of the cheaters manual.
If you cheat on your DH you will be breaking his heart and more over potentially destroying him for years to come. What you really mean is that you are too much of a coward to speak up and you would prefer to look like the victim, you don't really care about his feelings and this is all about getting what you need.

@myhobbyisouting
This suggests they're not necessarily right when they fawn all over him.

I don't see that at all. I think the OP thinks her DH is a lovely chap but she doesn't find him that exciting /attractive, and wants some one else - which is fine, as long as she understands her needs, is ready for the likely outcomes ( both good and bad) and is honest.

I can only assume you want to shift the blame onto her DH for your own dubious reasons.

@simona310

Yes I’ve been in your position, I haven’t acted upon it and it’s not something I will do whilst still committed to my husband but I understand you.

I think you need to try and understand your feelings and if they just are a temporary dissatisfaction with the way your life is at the moment or you are no longer in love with your husband.
The answer to that question will determine if yiu need to work harder to get the spark back or discuss an exit strategy with your husband.
Your feelings are valid you just need to try and understand what is driving them so you can act accordingly.
An affair is obviously not the answer but at the same time the term Mid life crisis boils my piss! It invalidates people being able to change the direction of their life if they so choose. It is not wrong to do this, life is a long journey. Just ensure you take steps to understand your choices and make the best ones possible for all concerned.