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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can’t shake this thought out of my mind 😩

60 replies

simona310 · 17/10/2020 23:29

Ok please don’t jump on your high horses. I’ve been married 11 years now and we’ve got two wonderful children. My husband can also only be described as ‘wonderful’ especially by everyone around us. And they’re right, he would make the perfect husband for someone, but not me. I feel awful and I know I can’t just leave him, but I can’t stop fantasising about having an affair. Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? Did you manage to stop your imagination running wild or did you give in to temptation?? I feel like I’m going mad and the prospect of another lockdown is driving me closer to pursuing something outside of my marriage. I know it’s probably incredibly selfish but I’m just not happy but I can’t bear to break my husband’s heart and leave 😩

OP posts:
deardiary13 · 18/10/2020 15:45

I'm with OP on this tbh... I mean, have you all really not fantasised about searching for something more outside of your marriage? EVER?! You don't necessarily have to go all the way but a few cheeky chats here and there are fine, surely?

Suzi888 · 18/10/2020 15:50

@AKissAndASmile

If this was a bloke posting he'd rightly be getting his arse handed to him on a plate.
Yup!
Lila5665 · 18/10/2020 15:52

Well I have never, ever had a "cheeky chat" outside of my marriage and I've had times when I've been approached in that way and walked away... I know I would be upset and hurt if my husband had a flirtatious chat with another woman. A monogamous relationship is just that. What this issue is really about imo is keeping that monogamous relationship interesting. And that takes work and commitment, it's sometimes a slog, and sometimes wonderful. But you can't play both sides. You don't get the freedoms of a single life alongside the benefits of marriage. You need to choose one and go with it, to do anything otherwise is being selfish and dishonest.

EarthSight · 18/10/2020 16:08

Apparently he's perfect - really? And you're feeling like this with your apparently perfect husband that's perfect for someone else. Have you really examined your relationship properly? Is there conversation? Sex? Intimacy? Sexual attraction? Respect? Interest? Affection?

If you can tick all those things (and things that are more specific to you) and you're still yearning for more, I don't think you'll ever be happy. You're bored, maybe bored of being in a stable relationship and are starting to look for flirting and thrills. There's a price to pay for that though - usually a broken family, support & genuine love as opposed to lust, and a broken person - your partner. You need to think about leaving him rather than having an affair, but don't expect him to take you back after ypu've discovered that the grass wasn't greener.

Kashi01 · 18/10/2020 16:15

To quote Amy Winehouse, ''what kind of fuckery is this?''

Find the strength to finish it properly, or get some wholesome friends/hobbies to take your mind off all this shite.

dottiedodah · 18/10/2020 16:34

I think long marriages often seem to hit a bit of a "wall" where children ,money issues, and general day to day living ,can seem to make you feel as though you are in a bit of a rut .The point is lots of people think Affairs are "exciting",but the reality of broken homes and friends finding out is often not worth it .Bit extreme ,but a couple who were in our area had been meeting up for 10 years! She threatened to tell his wife and he killed her in the pub car park during Lockdown! Obv this doesnt happen often (we hope!) but it would be better to see if you and DH can maybe go to Counselling and seek advice if you can .If not to divorce and then look around fo someone else

mummyof2lou · 18/10/2020 16:56

'You don't get the freedoms of a single life alongside the benefits of marriage'....this made me think.

deardiary13 · 18/10/2020 17:03

@Lila5665 glad to see you had the strength to walk away from guys wanting 'cheeky chats' with you... unfortunately we're not all that strong. My husband's banter just don't match that of others, and I miss the fun! I just think that sites like huush serve a real purpose for people like me and OP. We're all old enough and ugly enough to be able to decide what's best for ourselves and our unique situations. I'll be continuing with my cheeky chats...

Antonov · 18/10/2020 17:05

Bit extreme ,but a couple who were in our area had been meeting up for 10 years! She threatened to tell his wife and he killed her in the pub car park during Lockdown!

I agree, it is a bit extreme killing someone just to prevent the wife from finding out. Did she ever cotton on?

MrsGrindah · 18/10/2020 17:07

@mummyof2lou

No, you leave the marriage first. The solution is never an affair. And anyone contemplating an affair..no matter how brief and casual..needs to face the risk of being found out and all the destruction that can follow.

deardiary13 · 18/10/2020 17:07
Shock
deardiary13 · 18/10/2020 17:09

@MrsGrindah that's the thing...it's that thrill from the risk that gets me going!

ravenmum · 18/10/2020 17:12

The thrill from the risk of potentially leaving your partner in long-term therapy and/or on anti-depressants must be amazing.

MrsGrindah · 18/10/2020 17:12

Mm..that lovely thrill of breaking someone’s heart.

ravenmum · 18/10/2020 17:16

OP If you care about your partner so little that you would be OK with them finding out about your affair and feeling like an unlovable, crappy idiot, then you don't care about him enough to stay married. Might as well end it nicely.

Antonov · 18/10/2020 17:18

And the thrill of watching your children go through their twenties and thirties not being able to understand relationships and watching their own fail.

Ariela · 18/10/2020 17:21

Sort a babysitter or better send them to Grandma's for the weekend/get someone to stay over and have a night away, and flirt with your husband. Recreate what you once had pre-kids. Having kids kind of kills the spontaneity.

dottycharlotti · 18/10/2020 17:37

There are other ways to cure boredom besides destroying your marriage and possibly someone else's too.

CrazyToast · 18/10/2020 17:44

I understand. Try boiling it right down. Your choices are:

  1. Stay and have an affair
  2. Stay and don't have an affair
  3. Leave

It is very hard to leave someone when there is nothing wrong as such, especially if you love them as a friend. But if you arent happy and have tried to work on it, then you should leave. It isn't selfish, it is actually much more fair and kind.

My mum always said 'It might seem awful to leave him now but somewhere out there is the right person for him. You are setting him free to find that person.'

HeddaGarbled · 18/10/2020 17:47

7 year itch. You’re a late developer or he really is exceptional. What you are experiencing is a perfectly normal stage in a long term relationship. He’ll feel like this too sometimes. My advice is to ride it out and ignore all the sieze-the-dayers.

JaffaCake70 · 18/10/2020 18:21

You're keeping your options open. Do the right thing and leave him. He clearly doesn't deserve to be subject to what you have in store for him. Put yourself in his position and ask yourself which option you'd prefer:

Option 1: His wife leaves him. He is devastated but in time comes to terms with it and carries on with his life.

Option 2: His wife cheats on him. He is devastated, humiliated, angry, confused, self esteem takes a battering. He is left with the impossible decision of whether to forgive wife and live a life in which he is constantly worrying about the next time she decides to have a 'flirtation'. Or leaves her and becomes the one to blame for breaking up the family unit.

You know you are being unfair.

deardiary13 · 22/10/2020 12:47

To be honest, infidelity has become the norm in society now. If it wasn't sites like Huush and IE wouldn't even exist. Some people don't have the luxury of divorce as an option, and you've only got one life to live, so just do what you want!

ravenmum · 22/10/2020 12:59

If you don't have the luxury of divorce, why would you do something that would make your partner divorce you with even more rancour when they find out?

SittingontheRascal · 22/10/2020 13:07

Some people don't have the luxury of divorce as an option, and you've only got one life to live, so just do what you want!

Oh come on, might sound good in your head, but that's a very selfish attitude. And if you are betraying your spouse, and they find out, you might soon realise the reality of divorce.

MrsVogon · 22/10/2020 13:09

Maybe he is having the same thoughts about you?!

How would you feel if you knew he was thinking about having an affair? Put the boot on the other foot: if your response is you don't care if he has an affair, then it's time to throw the towel in.

You CAN get a divorce, there is always a way out - you just don't want to leave behind the comfy family you have built up over the years and maybe the fact being a single parent doesn't appeal? You cannot have your cake and eat it. Leave your husband and let him find someone else more deserving.