nightmare 'friend'...

[crapcook]

I went out for birthday drinks with some 'mummy' mates that I have made since being a mum. One of these friends has a past history of getting a little out of control when she is drunk and she managed to insult me last night (again)- to the point where I felt a bit picked on

I have had it out with her before about something she insulted me about on the last night out that she ruined and dont feel that I want to confront her again. But I don't feel like I can just ignore her as my DS is starting at her DDs nursery in a couple of weeks so it is inevitable that I will have to face her.

I don't feel like I can just carry on as normal with her after the way I have been treated.

I don't really understand. Why can't you just do the fixed smile 'good morning' and then avoid. It isn't a choice between being friends or fighting. There is a middle way of polite tolerance.
I had a huge arguement with another mum where she expressed views in a way that I could never be friendly with her again but for the next two years I managed to be polite to her and our duaghters played together no problem.
Not sure what the issue is?
Not being arguementative - just wondering if there is more to this than you have posted.

Did any of the other mums notice ahow she awas behaving? Usually if someone goes too far when they've had a drink other people see it. Perhaps someone else has already 'had a word.'

We were good mates when we were on maternity leave together. I would be quite happy doing the fixed smile polite thing but I know she will invite into having a conversation with her because we were quite close and I don't really want to. She is cool when she is sober and that is why we got on so well. She just turns into a nightmare when she is drunk.

She was a bitch last night. I'm annoyed with myself for sitting there and taking it.

Other mums had left apart from one other who noticed what was going on.

Hmmm ... can you just avoid any booze-soaked times with her? Hard to do, though, particularly if you're in the UK.

And people don't randomly turn bitchy when drunk - if she's saying dreadful things when drunk, she's thinking them when she's sober.

Otherwise, I think you are stuck with the fixed smile, and being 'busy' a lot. I have a local friend who I used to be quite close with who degenerated into this for reasons I never understood, tbh. But we have coped ok with being acquaintances now, for a few years ...

First time she ruined a night out we were at another friends house having some food and wine. She turns up absolutely hammered, falls off her chair, a friend says to me 'your DS really looks like you' and nightmare friend replies 'no he doesn't he is a big fat bastard'. He was 5mo at the time. I was still exc bf at the time and had a go at me for not expressing milk for DS when I knew I was going to be having a couple of glasses of wine. This was in front of everybody. She then insulted the hostess and she chucked her out. It was left to us to take her home. I had to get home to feed DS so she was left with another mate who took the brunt of it. This mates husband had to walk her home and she had a pee behind a car in the middle of the street

Last night was my birthday drinks. She told me my new haircut makes me look much older than I do and mixed with the top I had bought from Topshop yesterday (so how dowdy can it be?) it made me look 'much older'. Then gets her male friend to come over to guess how old I was. He guesses a couple of years older than I am and she sits there sniggering into her hand. Yeah thanks love. There were numerous other insults that I can't be bothered to type out as it seems so petty but you get the drift.

It sounds to me as if she has a drink problem. Anyone who behaves appallingly when they're drunk and yet can't stop themselves drinking has an issue with it IMO.

I would be really honest with her and say that you don't like who she is when she's been drinking. It might be the wake up call she needs.

Agree with scarybee. She needs someone to tell her as it is.

I don't want to have to miss going out with friends just because she is there. My nights out are few and far between anyway.

She goes out a lot I think. Other mums know she is like this and are closer to me as she works FT so I think we might have to exclude her next time.

The worrying thing she is a teacher in high school. One of her teacher pals was out last night and called her a 'fucking lunatic' to me when nightmare friend wasn't looking.

This seems so petty I know. I have just been left feeling a bit pissed off and don't feel like I want to be polite with her. She doesn't deserve it.

She sounds terrible when drunk. I understand it might make you feel worse that you that didn't get a chance to stand up for yourself - shock at her behaviour perhaps.
I mean it's not like people go out socially and except to be insulted by friends.

Do you think she can remember what she said to you the next day?

When she got chucked out of mates house, she called me next morning and asked what had happened. She claims to have had a blackout where she had so much drink that she could not remember anything. I dont believe that for one second. I told her she had offended me by what she had said about DS and that she had been out of order. I really laid it on thick telling her what she had done (apart from the 'wee' bit) and she apologised then cried etc etc. She was really embarrassed as you would be.

So I've already told her once.

If I called her again and told her how much of a nob she had been she would probably blame it on the drink, not remember anything etc etc.

I am not close enough to her to go through counselling her through her drink problems. I think she knows she has a problem and cannot control herself. She seems quite happy to carry on doing it though...and insulting other people to make herself feel better.

Be honest with her. Tell her that you are happy to be friendly for coffee etc but that you don't want to socialise with her in the evening as you find her behaviour too upsetting.

Actually, the blackout thing may well be true. In my drinking days (long gone - ), I'd wake up and not remember the last part of the night, nor how I'd gotten home .

It looks to me that you have two options:

total avoidance with the polite smile and superficial chat.

telling her she ruined your evening, no details needed, and until she can remain her sober and wonderful self, you will not be going out with her again.

Mind you, I'd be tying myself up in knots, in your shoes; I hate confrontation.

Do you think I should ring/text her today or wait for her to get in touch with me?

I don't think waiting until we next bump each other is a good idea as it will most likely be at nursery. I know she will bring the night out up and pretend to be all jolly about it 'oooh didn't we have a fantastic night out'.

Just keep clear of her - when you're out with a group, make sure you're sat at the opposite end of the group.

Then again, surely she's not going to keep getting invited if she hacks everyone off!

Do whatever will make you feel most comfortable. Remember she ruined your evening.

TBH, I don't think I would bother being friends with her, no matter how nice she is when she's sober, don't you think she must be thinking these things when sober and it just comes out when she's pissed.

Many a true word is spoken in jest(or when pissed)

And if she asked me why I was being off I would just tell her why. All calmly and nicely, but in a way that she couldn't twist or argue with properly. You have witnesses galore to the fact that you are not being petty or making it up.

As to the fantastic night out comment, I would turn and say no actually you ruined it cos you're a bitch when you're drunk.

Well, in my head I would love to, but you'd have to brave to do that.

If she's got a drink problem (which sounds very likely) then she probably won't do anything about it until she's lost most of her friends. It's worth telling her that you don't like the way she behaves when she's drinking, just in case that shocks her into seeking help, but people don't tackle addiction problems till they feel ready to do so. Try not to worry about the inuslts - just repeat silently to yourself 'X is such a twat when she's drunk, she's making a real idiot of herself and she'll ned up with no friends' which will make it easier to bear.

You could be right - in vino veritas. But being kind, I have known quite a lot of people, who are horrid drunks, but lovely when sober. Sometimes, it seems to be the chemicals in some drinks that makes them say and do things they do not mean. But that does not make them any less painful when you are on the receiving end.

tbh crapcook i wouldn't bother saying anything to her, especially in light of the fact that your children will soon be attending the same school. She has already been told she is a nightmare when out and has chosen to do nothing about it, so what difference will another chat do? I say leave it and just make sure you don't go out with her. Say hi at the school gates and be busy when she wants to make arrangements...she'll get the hint soon enough. I'm a firm believer that actions often speaker louder than words.

I think I will avoid her then if she asks why I have been off then I will tell her.

The other thing is that she is quite a loud, command the room type and can be a bit tactless even when sober - don't know how she will react if I tell her at nursery at 8am.

Hopefully she will run off with her tail between her legs and leave me alone.

I was with an alcoholic man for four years. I learned a lot about alcoholism and I'm afraid your friend sounds as though she has many problems, alcohol is one of them but it cannot be blamed for her rudeness, nastiness and aggression towards you.
People often blame drink when they behave appallingly and it is just not the case - plenty of people can be pissed and funny, pissed and depressed, pissed and happy - she is being pissed and nasty. This is inexcusable and I'm sorry, but I would no longer consider her my friend if she had behaved like this - not just once but twice.
She does not deserve your civility, but you deserve to uphold your own self esteem and behave civilly, as I am certain you will.
I think to exclude her from your precious nights out with decent friends is sensible and the only real option.
If she questions it, I would explain as someone else suggested, that she ruined your evening, was cruel and rude and stupid and you are absolutely gutted that a friend could treat you as she did.
Accept an apology if offered but stick to your guns and do not allow her to join you all on these nights. She is very unlikely not to repeat the behaviour, unless she confronts her own issues, social and alcohol related.
Please look after yourself, you sound like a gentle and lovely friend. She is abusing your friendship.

Have you not previously said to her "Why do you drink (or drink so much) if you know it makes you behave like this?"