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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

nightmare 'friend'...

57 replies

crapcook · 13/10/2007 10:07

I went out for birthday drinks with some 'mummy' mates that I have made since being a mum. One of these friends has a past history of getting a little out of control when she is drunk and she managed to insult me last night (again)- to the point where I felt a bit picked on

I have had it out with her before about something she insulted me about on the last night out that she ruined and dont feel that I want to confront her again. But I don't feel like I can just ignore her as my DS is starting at her DDs nursery in a couple of weeks so it is inevitable that I will have to face her.

I don't feel like I can just carry on as normal with her after the way I have been treated.

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 13/10/2007 11:37

I agree with flightattendant. You don't deserve to be insulted when you go out, drunk / nasty people don't have a some sort of right to behave that way even if they claim not to remember.

I feel for you as she will probably make a scene at some point?

Original poster
crapcook · 13/10/2007 11:38

FlightAttendant - thanks for saying those nice things. You are right in that she is abusing my friendship.

So annoyed with myself for sitting there and taking the shit off her last night. I don't think I stood up for myself because I didn't know how she would react. She could have caved my face in for all I knew. Wish I had been stronger though.

I have never asked her if she has a drink problem because I thought the first 'episode' was a one-off. Didn't know she was like this every time she gets drunk.

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pagwatch · 13/10/2007 12:00

crapcook - don't be cross with yourself for not reacting at the time, it is a very small band indeed to have the confidence and the front to deal with these things as they happen.
I have some experience of this as my sister does the same thing.
She is oh so friendly and then when she has a drink she is just vile and of course knows the most hideous things to say to me. It came to a head a few months ago when she started berating me in front of everyone about being a bitch to my dad ( which I wasn't) and as this was at a get together a year after his death that was pretty bad.
I didn't do a big confrontation with her I just gradually and determindly stopped any intimacy between us. I have sat in a room with her and attended parties etc but I never let her get close in converstaion or anything else.
When she asked me if I was "OK" i jjust said that I thought it was best we just kept everything light and friendly as I loved her but we clearly found it difficult to really relax together. I didn't say anything that would allow her to do an autopsey or an examination of what she had said or done - just asked her to agree that we let things settle for a while.
I intend to leave it like that for ever and it has become habit quite easily.
A confrontation would have made her defensive and i would either have backed down ( because I am a jessie) or she would have flounced because she loves drama.
This is so long winded - sorry . But please just take your time to put some distance between you. I honestly think you feel you need some resoloution but you don't actually need her co-operation to change your relationship.
However nice she is I believe you should steer as clear as you can, not so much because she is so mean to you but because it sounds as though she enjoys it.

MarshaBrady · 13/10/2007 12:07

Also if you had reacted to her when she was drunk she may have gone berserk and created a really big scene.
Something along the lines of oh you, you can never take a joke, you are... etc etc.
In front of other people.
So don't feel too bad about that part, you may have just missed out on more crap from her.
And that is a good thing, she's doesn't sound worth the extra upset.

fruitymum · 13/10/2007 12:28

Time she stopped drinking!
IMO you should stop socialising with her and only see her when she is sober. Life is hard enough without putting up with her behaviour - high time she grew up . Sick with your pals who don't insult you!

frumpystumpy · 13/10/2007 12:39

drop her darling. Its your birthday and she makes you feel like shit. Some friend. A friend is someone you can phone up at 3am and ask for help and they come with a smile, not someone who makes you feel like shit. xxx

Original poster
crapcook · 13/10/2007 12:46

Pagwatch - sorry to hear you have a strained relationship with you sister. It's not as if you can choose your family as I can choose my friends.

MarshaBrady - She tried to get me to carry on drinking as her teacher mates were going to a local pub. I said I couldn't as my DS is only 10mo (her dd is 17mo) and I am still bf so would have to be up first thing to do this. She said in a really annoying voice 'eeeeeeerrrm how come the men can't look after the babies?' and I said 'well unfortunately for me my DP doesn't lactate' and she asked if I had expressed anything and I told her I hadn't as I would be fine to feed him in the morning. She then made a point of saying as per last time that she would NEVER bf her baby if she had been drinking the night before. This is the second time that has said this in front of people.

I reacted quite badly to this...you can call my hair, call my clothes but never ever will I react well to someone making me out to be a bad parent. I have worked so hard with DS. I said something like 'Well thank you very much for making me feel bad but I am sure he will be fine. I never go out drinking so I'm sure he will be fine if it is a one off'.

She must have realised that she was out of order as she was all like 'Ooooh I was only jokin' and then proceeded to give me a massive hug.

I should have walked out there and then. She ruined my birthday the silly bitch.

I'm angry now. I'd love her to ring me now so I could give her a piece of my mind. But with me being the bigger, better person and all that...

Another thing is it is DS' 1st birthday in Nov and he is having a party. Do I invite her or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
crapcook · 13/10/2007 12:48

Marsha - the point of my last post was to point out that you were right - when I did react to something she said she made out like I couldn't take a joke.

OP posts:
FllightAttendant · 13/10/2007 12:55

Personally I wouldn't give her the chance to ruin my child's birthday as well as mine

Original poster
crapcook · 13/10/2007 12:57

Just to point out too, my new hair is an Alexa Chung style bob and this is my new top from Topshop which I was wearing with skinny jeans

www.topshop.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=20&viewAllFlag=false&catalogId=1 9551&storeId=12556&categoryId=93615&parentcategoryrn=42325&productId=485356&langId=-1

It isn't over the top but nice for just going to a local bar. I'm hardly the epitome of a frumpy mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
crapcook · 13/10/2007 12:59

Then if she asks 'well why wasn't I invited?' I would say exactly that about not letting her ruin my boy's birthday as well as mine.

Hate confrontation though.

OP posts:
cornsilk · 13/10/2007 13:03

That top looks lovely. Could she be jealous of you? Can you do a link to the hairdo too?!

Original poster
crapcook · 13/10/2007 13:13

www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/showbiz/showbiznews.html?in_article_id=486584&in_page_id=177 3

Just to point out, I don't read the Daily Mail website. It came up when I did a Google search

OP posts:
sheepgirl · 13/10/2007 13:42

my only concern for you crapcook is the school issue.....will she make life difficult in terms of the children's relationship. As for the adult stuff screw her she sounds a nightmare...life is too short to deal with that kind of crap!!

Amethyst8 · 13/10/2007 13:43

Sounds like jealousy to me. Just looking for things to pick on. As for the BF after drinking as far as I am aware alcohol is processed at the rate of one unit an hour and leaves the breast milk at the same rate which leaves quite a bit of room for a few glasses of wine the night before. New Hair, new top? - maybe she was feeling a bit frumpy herself and decided to bring you down a bit. IME jealousy is often the answer in situations like this.

MarshaBrady · 13/10/2007 14:02

Crapcook, just been to do the big weekend shop but am back.
She does sound like a real nightmare, and I think it's true, the root of this terrible behaviour is jealousy.
Deep down bitter stuff that rises when drink appears on the scene.

Saying I'm only joking, can't you take a joke is such a cop out.
I'd say no to inviting her to your son's birthday, he's your baby boy and doesn't deserve crapola like this either.

pindy · 13/10/2007 14:12

don't invite her - if she is brash enough to ask why - try to explain that she spoilt your birthday and you don't want the same to happen at ds's party. You could say that you presume it was unintentional and only the drink talking but you still don't want it to happen again!!! Thank you very much.

cornsilk · 13/10/2007 14:15

That's a really nice hair style - not at all frumpy.

Original poster
crapcook · 13/10/2007 19:16

Okay so I have emailed her. The reason being is that I know that when I see her next is that she will have conveniently forgotten everything and will wonder why I am making such a big deal. I also wanted to get the point across with regards to not being invited anywhere.

This is what I sent...

'Am emailing you to let you know that you were a nightmare again last night and managed to insult me several times over to the point where I felt a bit picked on. I have been left seething today and your behaviour yet again overshadowed the night out - MY birthday night out.

I would have called you but cannot be bothered to hear apologies and excuses as per last time. You are cool when you are sober but you change when you have had too much to drink. It is like you're not friends name anymore. I'm annoyed that I didn't defend myself again last night but I came to the concusion I didn't defend myself because you would have probably made a scene in front of everybody. Why should a friend make me feel like that?

I am sending this because I don't see why the next time I see you that everything can just be normal as if nothing has happened. You were out of order and can't get away with speaking to people like that whether you are blind drunk or not.

I am quite happy to be polite for the sake of the kids but please don't be offended if I don't invite you out for drinks anymore.

You have really upset me friend's name. I'm a really personable person and love my mates and I won't have my friendship abused by someone who last night seemed to be getting off on upsetting me'.

So that is it. I can't help but feel this is all a bit teenage but my nature is not to take shit off anyone and she seems to get away with murder.

OP posts:
outed · 13/10/2007 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nospeak · 13/10/2007 21:01

Oooh love the top and hair. I think she may be a tad jealous. Even if she was drunk people never insult someone unless they are feeling insecure.

pirategirl · 13/10/2007 21:09

well done on speaking up for yourself. Now take a deep breath and remember how horrible she has made you feel, and that you had every right to point it out to her. I am just saying this cos, sometimes when we have been brave enough (talking about me obv) we can sometimes think, shite whats the fallout gonna be from here. Stick to your guns and what will be will be.

MarshaBrady · 13/10/2007 21:22

Good going on the email, well done.
I'd also be careful not to get involved in any sort of wrangling, ie if an email comes back demanding a response or is aggressive (hopefully not), take a step back.

Come back to mn we'll still be here to help with support! I say this more because she sounds very over the top and hard to know what the response will be.

Original poster
crapcook · 13/10/2007 21:28

Thanks girls. You're the type of women that I want as mates.

I have spoken with another friend who was there for the duration and she felt a bit picked on too. Apparently this other friend was in the middle of telling her something and nightmare friend said abruptly 'do you remember that drink you said you were getting, will you go and get it?'

When another friend left last night, she said to me 'I'm glad she has gone I find her really boring' (when she isn't at all - she's just not a big gobshite like nightmare friend is) then had a go about this friend not bringing any presents for me...a couple of months after turning up at one of the kid's birthday parties with no card or anything for the tot.

She is a grade A dick. Don't want anything to do with her. My heart leaps whenever my phone rings or when I see have emails in my inbox.

OP posts:
Original poster
crapcook · 13/10/2007 21:33

Will be back on here for advice if/when she gets back to me.

I would rather she left me alone tbh. Regardless of what she has done she is the type who would have the audacity to ring me and demand for me to listen to an explanation from her.

If she rings I will ignore and text her after to tell her that I don't care what she has to say.

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