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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't find you attractive but I never want you to leave

86 replies

Totallyconfused90 · 17/10/2020 11:29

This is my first time here. I've been having a lot of problems with my partner. He was the full time single parent before I moved in, not much input from mum. Adapting to step parenting has been a challenge and I'm getting all kinds of things wrong but generally we get on well and have things in common. Problems with partner have always been about sex and intimacy. I've had 2 years of casual sex after a long term relationship, he's had 12 years of bringing up baby. I'll be the first one to admit that I'm not particularly sensitive to this. I want to be but I get it wrong all the time. Neither of us really know what we're doing in a relationship. I love him. He says he loves me. I adore his child and his dog. We've lived together over a year. But things in the bedroom have got steadily worse in that time. I packed on Monday. I haven't unpacked yet. I feel trapped. I'm sure he does too. I so desperately want things to work. We had a better day and had sex. I felt really happy but this just seemed to aggravate him. He still felt the problems, I did too but how dare I be so happy. He is drinking and smoking so much now and I don't know how to reach him. Everything I do makes things worse, including doing nothing at all. He has just told me that he doesn't find me attractive in any way but doesn't want me to leave, doesn't ever want me to leave and I feel so confused.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 17/10/2020 11:32

It’s time to go. Do it now and don’t look back.

ArnieLinson · 17/10/2020 11:33

Tell him to get a fucking nanny.

What a wanker.

Liveandforget · 17/10/2020 11:34

He doesn't want to parent alone, that's why he doesn't want you to leave. I'm a lone parent and it's bloody hard. He just wants you there so you can service his life. He sees you as the domestic help or a household appliance.

You're not trapped, give yourself permission to leave. Don't waste any more of your one precious life on this man.

Pollynextdoor · 17/10/2020 11:35

Of course you should leave someone who tells you he doesn’t find you attractive Shock

isittimetogotobed · 17/10/2020 11:36

Oh wow, so he doesn't find you attractive boy he does find the help you provide attractive.
Sorry but you need to leave or your self worth will be in the floor.
He needs to get a nanny

ElspethFlashman · 17/10/2020 11:36

Of course he doesn't want you to leave.

Nobody ever wants the Nanny to leave.

Doesn't mean they love the Nanny, or want to fuck the Nanny.

Yogatomorrow · 17/10/2020 11:40

How hurtful to be told that. When you say you have problems with sex what do you mean? I don't mean to be insensitive but does it stem from that remark about him not finding you attractive?

There sounds like many other problems. Not least that you being happy irritates him. That doesn't happen in a loving relationship. Sorry.

AgentJohnson · 17/10/2020 11:41

I don't find you attractive but I never want you to leave. is code for ‘you’re a cheap nanny and it’s convenient for me that you stay’.

You're not trapped, give yourself permission to leave. Don't waste any more of your one precious life on this man.

This

AdoraBell · 17/10/2020 11:42

As pp have said, he wants you there as a domestic. Pick up your already packed bags and don’t look back.

ArtemisBean · 17/10/2020 11:43

Yep, he wants a housekeeper and a nanny, not a girlfriend. Stuff that.

PatchworkElmer · 17/10/2020 11:45

Leave!

MushMonster · 17/10/2020 11:45

OP Flowers sorry to hear that. Do not stay with a man that does not find you attractive for a single minute. It will destroy you! Just leave

areyoubeingserviced · 17/10/2020 11:45

He’s using you for childcare.
If you are ok with that , then stay. If not.. then you know what to do

SilverRoe · 17/10/2020 11:48

Sounds like he’s settled you in and trained you to do the childcare and now he feels free to drink, smoke, disrespect you and not bother with any intimacy. That he was angry you were feeling happier says it all really. That was when he came out with such a cruel comment?

This guy wants a live in domestic. Don’t unpack, leave.

HaggisBurger · 17/10/2020 11:50

Leave. This will never get better. The sex you just had - google “hysterical bonding”.

SenorFrog · 17/10/2020 11:50

What he should've said is "I want your free childcare services but I don't care about your feelings or respect you in any way". What a prick.

aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2020 11:52

I'm confused by your post but he sounds fucking horrendous regardless. What are you "getting wrong"? What problems are you insensitive about?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/10/2020 12:07

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Do you love him or are you mixing that up with codependency here?. Give your own self permission to leave here.

This man merely sees you as a combination of domestic servant or housekeeper for his child.

Do not remain with him. He will merely drag you down with him if you do. Value yourself more, reassess your whole approach to relationships and work on rebuilding your life without him in it.

AllsortsofAwkward · 17/10/2020 12:10

Life is too short leave and never look back.

Elieza · 17/10/2020 12:21

Sorry OP. That’s a horrible thing he has said.

He’s using you until something better comes along, at which point you will be dumped like a hot potato and the new girlfriend/unpaid nanny and dogsbody moves in.

As others have said it’s time to go. Pack up your dignity and your stuff and go.

You deserve and can get better than him.

Forgotmycoat · 17/10/2020 12:23

You can bet your bottom dollar as soon as he meets someone he does fancy, you'll be out. He will be ruthless. Please leave. He has shown utter contempt for you and resents your happiness.

I read something on another thread that I will repeat here: 'who or what has made you hate yourself so much that you accept this treatment?'

Eddielzzard · 17/10/2020 12:25

I think the fact that he reacted badly to your happiness tells you everything. It's really not good when the very person who should have your back actively wants you to be unhappy.

You've already packed, now walk out that door.

DianaT1969 · 17/10/2020 12:45

Have you been earning nanny rates while there? Don't walk, run. Tell him you don't find him attractive first - both his body and his personality.

Totallyconfused90 · 17/10/2020 13:54

Yogatomorrow, when we started seeing eachother we were both having casual flings with other people. He was just getting his head round that when I decided I just wanted him. He's been burdened by us working together for a year and him fancying me but me not noticing him. We were both explicit with what we'd been getting up to as it was part of sexyfuntimestuff. Except my experiences made him feel terribly insecure, which I brushed off. And continued to ignore until it became a constant thought in his head and impotence. And now I have no idea how to reverse that. My inability to talk and help him out of the hole I've dug has ruined this man and he was already pretty broken. He's brought up baby on his own after mum walked out. As well as the furious shouting and unhappiness, I also see the sweet kid who tried to stop his dad beating up his mum. Who got out of bed at the crack of dawn to clean up the dogs mess in the house so his dad wouldn't kick the shit out of the dog. I see that power and that passion even in the depression and anger. I see my own depression and anxiety reflected back at me. It's always been a case of not quite being able to get it off the ground. Ngl, lockdown has not treated us kindly. A lot of our problems stem from his fear. Fear that I'll find someone else, younger (I'm 30, he's 43) fear that when I apply to be a teacher, I'll be 'up, up and away' and be sleeping with the Geography teacher. I know what's on offer is out of the ordinary but I have attempted the normal. I've been married and it wasn't a happy one.

OP posts:
JayeAshe · 17/10/2020 14:00

You are not responsible for saving this man from his fear, whether or not you feel you contributed to causing it ( you probably didn't) .

Your future you will thank you for leaving this situation, however painful it is to get through the upset, it will be worth it and you will be stronger for it.