I don't find you attractive but I never want you to leave

[Totallyconfused90]

This is my first time here. I've been having a lot of problems with my partner. He was the full time single parent before I moved in, not much input from mum. Adapting to step parenting has been a challenge and I'm getting all kinds of things wrong but generally we get on well and have things in common. Problems with partner have always been about sex and intimacy. I've had 2 years of casual sex after a long term relationship, he's had 12 years of bringing up baby. I'll be the first one to admit that I'm not particularly sensitive to this. I want to be but I get it wrong all the time. Neither of us really know what we're doing in a relationship. I love him. He says he loves me. I adore his child and his dog. We've lived together over a year. But things in the bedroom have got steadily worse in that time. I packed on Monday. I haven't unpacked yet. I feel trapped. I'm sure he does too. I so desperately want things to work. We had a better day and had sex. I felt really happy but this just seemed to aggravate him. He still felt the problems, I did too but how dare I be so happy. He is drinking and smoking so much now and I don't know how to reach him. Everything I do makes things worse, including doing nothing at all. He has just told me that he doesn't find me attractive in any way but doesn't want me to leave, doesn't ever want me to leave and I feel so confused.

@PegasusReturns the wife beating and animal abusing aren’t the op’s DP, they are his mementoes as a child of his parents. Also the reason why op feels sorry for him and wants to save him I suspect.

Memories

Problems I've been insensitive about: insecurity, not being big enough or hard enough, feminised with being mum aswell as dad. Back pain every time we have sex. Anxiety that I'll have my head turned as I like younger men not older ones. Emasculated that once I finish my apprenticeship/train to teach I'll earn more than him.

You realise that none of this is about you personally, this is all about his insecurities and hangups? He would have been like that with anybody he dated. And there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix his psychological problems and dick issues - he needs to do that by himself.

He is clearly in no place to hold down a relationship. You need to leave, and hope that galvanises him to seek help to sort himself out.

@Zofloramummy oh I see thanks.

Either way what on earth is the point?

Not a single reason to stay

This is toe-curlingly awful to read. I am really sorry OP, you don't seem to realise how gross his behaviour towards you is. You really need to get away from him.

He is emotionally abusing you, do you understand this? Please choose yourself and leave

OP, I spent over 30 years with an abusive areshole who came out with stuff similar to this.

Don't be as stupid as I was. Dump him, maybe get some counselling for yourself to work out why you fell for someone like this, and then find a decent bloke.

And stop taking his hangups on yourself as if they were your fault. They're not. Put yourself first. Your bags are packed, no reason to delay leaving.

While you are alone consider buying a battery powered friend instead of shagging about. For some, that type of ‘relationship’ can be because for a fleeting moment it helps the person forget their lack of loneliness and make them feel loved and they feel special for a few minutes. Or it could be that people need the sex rush of brain chemicals to momentarily block out the pain in their life. If either apply to you, could sex have become a drug and you an addict?

The majority of people "shagging about" in their 20s are doing so because they don't want to settle down at that point in time. OP is only 30, and 2 years of casual sex don't indicate to me that she has a problem.

I'm in my early 50s, single and believe me, I'm quite looking forward to some casual relationships next year, when things have settled down more.

From your posts, you come across incredibly intense OP and like you get off on romanticising all this when, as plenty of others have said, it's really pretty simple. It just isn't working and he isn't attracted to you, just to having someone around all the time. It seems like you've both become co-dependant - he to having a shadow whilst he parents, and who he can project all his issues onto. And you, addicted to someone who can allow you to both play victim and rescuer whilst enforcing any shame issues you seem to have deep rooted about your SexyFunTimes. Whatever you're into, own that. He clearly isn't....someone who makes you feel bad for being happy, and who utters the words that they arent attracted to you (whatever the context), is not right for you. It sounds like you need to do some work on your own feelings about yourself, and he really isn't helping matters.

He probably has erectile dysfunction because he's a driving, smoking middle aged man.

Why are you wasting your time on this nothing who tells you he doesn't find you attractive right to your face?

All this shite and angst, at this point you should still be in the honeymoon period?

Instead you are stuck in this turgid 'relationship' where you seem nothing more than a household appliance?

He seems to have fed you a load of melodramatic nonsense and you have yourself tied up in knots making excuses for his shitty behavior!

None of this is ok OP, this is not a relationship. Get the hell out of it.