am i being a dick about this?

[whatyonek]

Met a lovely man about 5 months ago. Before anyone asks, yes we have complied with all lockdown based rules.

We got on amazingly from the start, lots of very very long phone calls, he is polite, fair with money, has a good job and great family, non intrusive but supportive. He’s very clear about wanting to be with me, doesn’t seem to be any games and he’s direct with me. He wants to meet regularly, he’s caring and considerate. Sounds great so far...

But he doesn’t seem to trust me. I’m quite flirty but have never cheated and wouldn’t, I wonder if this is why he gets quickly on edge about things. An example, I work long hours (as does he to be fair) and the odd occasions, not often with covid, I am late in the office. I’m literally there doing work and his texts become more frequent, checking I’m ok. I tell him that I am and then another message appears twenty minutes later. I don’t know if I’m being a huge brat but it makes me so annoyed! It’s the same when I am with a friend. Constant messages, even when I am seeing him hours later or the next day. Am I being a dick about this? I’ve talked to him about it and it makes zero difference.

Other times, on my birthday, he had got me a present and then when I couldn’t come over to his on the day we had arranged for my birthday as I had a stomach bug (on my actual birthday I had long standing plans with friends), he was understanding but decided to open my present and send me the image of it and said ‘this is what I got you.’ I found it manipulative and unnecessary...again maybe I’m being unfair here.

He is lovely and I really do want someone dedicated to me, I actually love how much we speak and text but sometimes when I say please can we speak tonight or I’m busy at lunchtime today or whatever it is, the messaging escalates.

He has never got angry with me directly but one time I called to say I was running ten mins late and he said that’s fine then my phone didn’t hang up immediately and I heard him swearing to himself saying fucks sake is she coming over or not! I asked him about this when I arrived and he said he didn’t know what I was talking about.

When I asked for a weekend apart he said he would do it but I should be aware that he will quickly lose feelings for me if we don’t see each other a lot. I don’t think he meant this in the toxic way it could be interpreted but it made me feel distant from him, like we can’t trust one another enough to enjoy time apart. In a way that makes me feel less like the relationship is good. I don’t know.

Maybe I’m being a dick?

No your not being a dick his behaviour is controlling and a massive red flag

Lot of red flags here I’m afraid

He sounds manipulative and controlling and doesn't respect your space. Doesn't really respect your boundaries either. That puts me off a man and I've ended a few new relationships like this.

You are not being a dick!

Deffo red flags. He’s trying to control you. It will get worse.

So many red flags you’ve got bunting, I’m afraid.

Controlling, petulant, jealous, insecure...

Cut your losses.

But he doesn’t seem to trust me
I read this and thought you should end the relationship. This will turn into an excuse to control you.

But then i went on to read the rest, and fucking hell op. He is not a lovely man. You need to absolutely end it and check your boundaries. He sounds bloody awful.

Run! Definitely red flags.

Huge red flags!!!

He’s manipulative, controlling and threatening you by saying he’ll lose interest if you don’t see him.

He’s not respecting your boundaries at all.

It’s not you.

You're definitely not being a dick. He's manipulative as hell, he's trying to control you. Listen to your instincts, and get rid. You can do so much better.

RED FLAGS for controlling and manipulative behaviour that will escalate.

Mmmmm no OP, he sounds like the dick.
He’ll lose feelings if you don’t see each other? That’s controlling and emotional blackmail
The swearing and denying is a red flag.... could be aggressive?
And the constant msging...sounds like love bombing or again control
I’d leave this relationship, sounds like you’re questioning it anyway. Always listen to your gut

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

➡️🗑 for him

oh and heres some more in case that didn't get through:

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He's an abuser, get rid of him.

And maybe look at the Freedom Programme course so that next time you see this behaviour for what it is instead of complying.

Trust your instincts! Definite red flags and early on.

Red flags and they’re bad ones OP.

Run.
If this is how he is now - this will only get much worse as time goes on. And this isn’t a lovely man. This is someone who wants to control you - if you stay with him.

I'm actually concerned you're doubting your instincts because he is 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 all over the place

Jesus op. How many more red flags do you need? Literally how much worse does it need to get before you make the only possible good decision here

Get rid now.

When I asked for a weekend apart he said he would do it but I should be aware that he will quickly lose feelings for me if we don’t see each other a lot.

Wtaf? So he's threatening you if you don't see him as often as he deigns he will go off you? Imagine if you got married or had kids? Well you didn't give me enough attention so I had to cheat. Nah you are having these feelings for a reason. Say goodbye

What do you get out of this relationship now?

You don’t think emotional threats when you want some space to breathe are toxic? Because that was a threat he made - you spend time at the weekend without him and he’ll withdraw his affection and feelings for you.

Out of interest how many weekends or days have you actually spent apart or not in constant contact since you met?