am i being a dick about this?

[whatyonek]

Met a lovely man about 5 months ago. Before anyone asks, yes we have complied with all lockdown based rules.

We got on amazingly from the start, lots of very very long phone calls, he is polite, fair with money, has a good job and great family, non intrusive but supportive. He’s very clear about wanting to be with me, doesn’t seem to be any games and he’s direct with me. He wants to meet regularly, he’s caring and considerate. Sounds great so far...

But he doesn’t seem to trust me. I’m quite flirty but have never cheated and wouldn’t, I wonder if this is why he gets quickly on edge about things. An example, I work long hours (as does he to be fair) and the odd occasions, not often with covid, I am late in the office. I’m literally there doing work and his texts become more frequent, checking I’m ok. I tell him that I am and then another message appears twenty minutes later. I don’t know if I’m being a huge brat but it makes me so annoyed! It’s the same when I am with a friend. Constant messages, even when I am seeing him hours later or the next day. Am I being a dick about this? I’ve talked to him about it and it makes zero difference.

Other times, on my birthday, he had got me a present and then when I couldn’t come over to his on the day we had arranged for my birthday as I had a stomach bug (on my actual birthday I had long standing plans with friends), he was understanding but decided to open my present and send me the image of it and said ‘this is what I got you.’ I found it manipulative and unnecessary...again maybe I’m being unfair here.

He is lovely and I really do want someone dedicated to me, I actually love how much we speak and text but sometimes when I say please can we speak tonight or I’m busy at lunchtime today or whatever it is, the messaging escalates.

He has never got angry with me directly but one time I called to say I was running ten mins late and he said that’s fine then my phone didn’t hang up immediately and I heard him swearing to himself saying fucks sake is she coming over or not! I asked him about this when I arrived and he said he didn’t know what I was talking about.

When I asked for a weekend apart he said he would do it but I should be aware that he will quickly lose feelings for me if we don’t see each other a lot. I don’t think he meant this in the toxic way it could be interpreted but it made me feel distant from him, like we can’t trust one another enough to enjoy time apart. In a way that makes me feel less like the relationship is good. I don’t know.

Maybe I’m being a dick?

Agree with everyone else. The bring lovely is love bombing.
Really weird about your birthday present.

@Sparklfairy

He is literally lovely in every other way though.

It's an act. Don't you get it?

The 'fucks sake is she coming over or not!!' that he didn't think you heard is his true colours, behind the mask.

^ This. Remember when he said "for fuck's sake" and you called him out on it, he said he didn't know what you were talking about. That's gaslighting, and it'll only get worse.

He's not a lovely person.

WHY do men do this - the love bombing, the controlling, the manipulation, the alienation from friends and family, the not giving "permission", or setting time limits? Lots of Mumsnetters have experience of this. Why are some men like this?

Oh dear. Being a cling-on is massively unattractive. Being a lying, manipulative, controlling, cling-on is dangerous.

Get rid of it.

OP I fear you won’t listen to these responses and that you are minimising his behaviour already.

Please dump him OP, he isn’t nice and will grind you down until you become less of a person. You deserve better.

Hear what you’re all saying. He’s not keep watch on me time wise or anything though so I can’t say that.

The thing that unsettled me most was how annoyed he gets when I raise anything at all. He gets cross about it. I know what I need to do. At 36 I don’t see myself finding anyone decent now though.

You have a false image of women who end up with abusive, domineering men. They don't start off meek.

A nice man would give you space when asked. He sees it as a challenge and ups contact.

A nice man would be understanding about your birthday. He opens your present.

Don't be sucked in by the lovely mask, he's already let it slip a number of times. The real him is the pushy, manipulative, angry one.

At 36 I don’t see myself finding anyone decent now though.*
*
Please don't think he is better than being single, at least if you're single you have the chance to meet someone, if you're still with him you'll end up very unhappy

Oh god, YANBAD

heard him swearing to himself saying fucks sake is she coming over or not! I asked him about this when I arrived and he said he didn’t know what I was talking about

So he blatantly lied, to your face. Wow, this is just the start.

@HyacynthBucket

WHY do men do this - the love bombing, the controlling, the manipulation, the alienation from friends and family, the not giving "permission", or setting time limits? Lots of Mumsnetters have experience of this. Why are some men like this?

Because they don't think women are really people, but rather objects or animals, sort of like cattle. They believe women exist to please them, serve them, and be available to them at all times. Love bombing is just the starting bit, the investment in gaining the animal's trust, before you snare it, break its spirit and put it to work for you.

These sorts of men are looking for a woman to be their maid, nurse, nanny, cook and wank sock. Any behaviour that falls outside those roles, or threatens the woman's commitment to them, will be slowly but surely eradicated. Sadly many women don't have a clue how much contempt these men have for them, until it's far too late.

At 36 I don’t see myself finding anyone decent now though.

That doesn't mean you should settle for an abuser.

The getting angry when you raise anything is enough to end it in itself. You're not allowed an opinion and have to do as he says? This is awful OP.

OP, it’s a resounding NO from me, with acres of red flags.
You’re not being a dick, your wiser self and instincts are screaming at you to get him out of your life NOW.
Block him, and if he turns up, call the police.
This is not a genuine person, he is a manipulative controller.
Give yourself the gift of not having such a toxic person in your life.
You’ll never be sorry you said goodbye to this one.
Thinking of you💐

Please, PLEASE don't settle for him. Much better to be on your own than lower your standards because you think you can't find anyone decent.

Jesus woman, do not settle for this idiot!
There’s a reason he’s still single, he’s not lovely or decent.

At 36 I met my dh after coming out of a messy divorce. Two children later and we are still very happy.

Don’t settle for this, there are still some good ones out there.

Red flags galore! 🚩🚩🚩🚩

At 36 I don’t see myself finding anyone decent now though.

OP.. the above statement is not a reason to settle for someone who is clearly not the lovely person he is pretending to be. I didn't meet my DP until I was 35. Please do not settle!! You deserve better than his utter control freak.

He actually sounds just like my ex... a complete narcissist!

His nice guy personality is an act, trust me! He is love bombing you.. telling you everything you want to hear. It's an act. His ranting "Is she coming over or not..?!" ....that is the real him!! His mask slipped and his true persona was revealed. Then when you questioned him about it he blatantly lied and gaslighted you by denying all knowledge! What more proof do you need that this guy is a wrongun!

You need to cut ties with this guy now. The amount of red flags are unreal.
If you are telling yourself "...but he's so lovely when we speak on the phone" (which is clearly an act, not his true self) - that does not cancel out all the red flags, all the obvious manipulative and controlling behaviour you have described in your post.

Jesus Christ OP this is terrifying—you are being abused and mankpulated, this is going to get so much worse. Honestly as hard as it feels to run now, it will get worse and worse. Your self esteem now is through the floor—imagine where you will be mentally 2 years from now when you’re taking abuse on a daily basis, unable to go anywhere without his oversight, fully cut off from friends and family, and crying yourself to sleep (quietly) scared to hell that he’ll hear you and get angry again. This is where you’re headed, you need to wake up.

I feel like I should also mention that I have no problem standing up for myself in a relationship. It’s not like I am meek and quiet. this is a very unfair comment to make. And shows a massive understanding of abusive relationships and how they progress. No abusive man starts with being 100% abusive. Or nobody would give them the time of day.

The thing that unsettled me most was how annoyed he gets when I raise anything at all. He gets cross about it. This is abusive behaviour.

This with the controlling, the criticising, testing your boundaries... he has also TOLD YOU if you dont spend every minute he wants yo to with him, he will lose interest. So what happens if you go away with friends? He sleeps with someone else and tells you he did warn you.

I meant misunderstanding

This thing is, you haven’t found anyone decent yet. Far better to end things and keep looking for someone who is decent.
This guy sounds absolutely awful. You say he’s not keeping watch on you time wise but he is. Why else would he be sending multiple messages when you are working late or with friends?
Of course new partners don’t show their true colours straight away. Nobody would end up in a relationship with them if they did. Run for the hills.

@whatyonek

I feel like I should also mention that I have no problem standing up for myself in a relationship. It’s not like I am meek and quiet.

He is very very nice in all other ways but these things drive me mad and I am on the cusp of ending it now. It’s not attractive to be contacted so much even when you’ve said you’re busy...!!

Think is it's not about not being 'meek and mild'. Some abusers particularly like 'breaking' strong women.

Their behaviour is insidious. You don't realise you're being controlled and in effect groomed until it's too late..

First of all there's the being in constant contact. Then there's an insistence that they pick you up when you go out without them because they would worry that you won't get home safely (in reality it's to keep tabs on you and who you're with). Then there's the subtle comments when you want to out with your friends, usually along the lines of saying you spend too much time with your friend and he wants to spend more time with you. If you don't stop going out there will be an atmosphere when do go out which takes the pleasure out of meeting up with friends so you stop going out as much and then at all. And so it goes on and suddenly you're a year in. By then you're spending all your time with him walking on eggshells so as not to upset him having lost all your friends because he would sulk if you went out/didn't answer your phone immediately/didn't reply to texts immediately etc etc and you won't have noticed it happening because you kid yourself it's only because he really really loves you and he is very very nice in all other ways.

Psychopaths are arch manipulators and can present as very charming.... but not for long.

I think you're letting yourself be misled by his outwardly calm manner. You are misinterpreting it as evidence of his gentlemanly consideration and respect. But in fact, it appears to be chillingly deliberate and calculated . He is steadily eroding your independence and taking control of you.

His true nature is barely barely below the surface; it's apparent in the demanding, repetitive, messages and questions whenever you attention is on work or another friend. He demands all your attention.. The present incident was seriously weird .

He's already shown you, he will not take NO or be crossed or thwarted in even the tiniest way. As soon as you  fail to obey /comply  he immediately ups the  aggressive manipulation and offers a threat. . If  something triggers a real temper meltdown. there may be no warning and you won't see it coming.  Leave now before you get hurt.

5 months sounds about right for these types to test you and get you under their thumb.

They act the nice perfect guy to suck you in and when they know you are fond, that's when they start.

The Freedom Programme
and the book Why Does he Do That
are very helpful.

Oh OP he's not being nice to you