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Original poster

Should you ever re-connect (platonicly) with an ex/first love??

87 replies

Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 03:05

It's an incredibly long story, but I unexpectedly bumped into an ex (first love) recently.
I haven't seen him for around 20 or so years, although he doesn't live that far away and I have heard about him through aquintances etc.
We were each-others first loves, first everything I guess.
Together more than 9 years from mid /late teen years upwards.
We were living together when we split up when he met a woman at work and cheated.
After we split, he later married her.
We didn't have an opportunity to exchange more than brief pleasantries when we met, but I have not been able to get him and what could have been out of my mind.

Is it ever a good idea to re-connect with an ex, just as friends?
I was thinking just a drink to say thank you to him for his support with a difficult issue or something like that, nothing more.
I am definitely not thinking of going back, it's just got me a little nostalgic and thinking about the past/how we are so much older now and how different things could have been.
I prob sound crazy, but I hope that you see what I mean!!

OP posts:
Pyewhacket · 17/10/2020 16:11

NO.

Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 16:17

@Sssloou

Sounds like you have some level of denial and dissociation. How did it come to be that the love of your life for 9 years cheats on you and it was all amicable etc?

Where was your shock, rage etc?

I think k agree somewhat with this. Ohh there was rage, believe me. When I first found out that he'd been lying about his whereabouts (gym) However, I have to accept some responsibility, although it's not an excuse. I had not been giving him any attention, we were both so busy at that time (full time jobs, like ships that passed in the night) and I was impatient and intolerant at that time, a pain in the arse I think! I moved out of the house we shared, back to my Mother which allowed me to see things from a different perspective and calm down. I think I felt numb for a while, started to connect with a couple of friends and went out a lot, I think this helped me to take my mind off the split. Then a few weeks later, we met up and discussed things amicably. We'd split up, he was with the OW, there was no point in shouting and screaming. We both had to go our separate ways, I guess that I just accepted that.
OP posts:
Iloveme30 · 17/10/2020 16:35

Oh for gods sake !!!! It's not an endearing look ! Not by a long shot . It a I'm bored again and I'm as my character has shown a cheat ... he's up to his old tricks he gave her that endearing look once upon a time ..... I wouldn't go near that situation with a barge pole he will hurt you again
Don't do it to yourself, he's an ex for a reason xxx

Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 16:48

@Iloveme30

Oh for gods sake !!!! It's not an endearing look ! Not by a long shot . It a I'm bored again and I'm as my character has shown a cheat ... he's up to his old tricks he gave her that endearing look once upon a time ..... I wouldn't go near that situation with a barge pole he will hurt you again Don't do it to yourself, he's an ex for a reason xxx
Is there any need to be quite so harsh? We were both caught in an incredibly difficult situation together, he was there because he was supporting me, not because he wanted to be.
OP posts:
ZaphodDent · 17/10/2020 17:12

Your original reason for posting was that you wanted us to give you a shake, and that's because you know deep down the real reasons why you want to see him. It's completely understandable, but you also know deep down it's a really bad idea.

You're harking back to a time in your life that's gone. If you meet up with him you will want him to want you. If you're successful you're opening yourself up to the chance of a damaging emotional or physical affair. If you're unsuccessful you'll probably feel miserable that the fantasy you had has gone forever. It's basically a no win situation for you.

Sssloou · 17/10/2020 17:24

It must be horrendous as well as courageous bringing historic CSA into the open and judicial system. I applaud your bravery. It must have unsettled and stirred up many confusing feelings for your and your heightened emotional state may lead you to see / feel / think things in a distorted way. Maybe the pining for him is to distract from the pain you are enduring with the court case.

Keep focused on that and get lots of professional support - this is your original trauma to heal. I hope you get resolution, comfort and peace to move on with your life. He is a dangerous distraction.

Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 17:29

@ZaphodDent

Your original reason for posting was that you wanted us to give you a shake, and that's because you know deep down the real reasons why you want to see him. It's completely understandable, but you also know deep down it's a really bad idea.

You're harking back to a time in your life that's gone. If you meet up with him you will want him to want you. If you're successful you're opening yourself up to the chance of a damaging emotional or physical affair. If you're unsuccessful you'll probably feel miserable that the fantasy you had has gone forever. It's basically a no win situation for you.

Yes, you are right. Thank you for the much needed wake up. Like you say, I'd want what any relationship with him couldn't give me (to feel like that teenager in love again, stability, to feel like he wanted me, those somewhat carefree days etc) It would only bring pain and misery for all, especially me, at a time when I definitely couldn't handle it. Thank you.
OP posts:
Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 17:30

@Sssloou

It must be horrendous as well as courageous bringing historic CSA into the open and judicial system. I applaud your bravery. It must have unsettled and stirred up many confusing feelings for your and your heightened emotional state may lead you to see / feel / think things in a distorted way. Maybe the pining for him is to distract from the pain you are enduring with the court case.

Keep focused on that and get lots of professional support - this is your original trauma to heal. I hope you get resolution, comfort and peace to move on with your life. He is a dangerous distraction.

You are right, thank you.
OP posts:
BarryTheKestrel · 17/10/2020 17:31

Don't do it. The way you write about him says you are still holding a torch, no matter how dim.

My ex of similar circumstances kept showing up in my dreams about 2 years ago and was dying or dead in each dream and i couldn't stop thinking about him and his historically poor health. We haven't kept in contact and he moved away so no mutual friends any more to put my mind at rest. So i dropped him a quick message just saying I hoped he was OK. We had a quick message exchange catching up on lives, both now married with children, he's retraining in his dream job, significantly healthier in recent years etc and apart from a happy birthday message we haven't spoken since. If he had suggested a drink or tried to maintain contact I would have ran a mile as it would appear to be a case of a cheating leopard doesn't change his spots, even if there was no romantic indication.

Original poster
Peacefulnight · 18/10/2020 00:52

Thank you to everyone for making me feel a little more positive and for the virtual shake!!
I appreciate it, it's been such a bloody horrible difficult time and I felt a little lonely and in need of some support, a hug and the closeness that I shared with the ex all those years ago.
I have come to my senses and realise it's not a good thing to do though.
Sadly there is very little support for survivors, but I will call my support worker from the voluntery organisation that is helping on Monday.

Thank you again. Best wishes to you all.

OP posts:
huggy27 · 22/10/2020 15:22

Very rarely do anything good come of it, I learnt the hard way more than once with different exs 🤦🏼‍♀️

Isthisnothing · 22/10/2020 15:56

Under your circumstances no. You are looking for something he can't give you. The best of luck with the case.

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