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Original poster

Should you ever re-connect (platonicly) with an ex/first love??

87 replies

Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 03:05

It's an incredibly long story, but I unexpectedly bumped into an ex (first love) recently.
I haven't seen him for around 20 or so years, although he doesn't live that far away and I have heard about him through aquintances etc.
We were each-others first loves, first everything I guess.
Together more than 9 years from mid /late teen years upwards.
We were living together when we split up when he met a woman at work and cheated.
After we split, he later married her.
We didn't have an opportunity to exchange more than brief pleasantries when we met, but I have not been able to get him and what could have been out of my mind.

Is it ever a good idea to re-connect with an ex, just as friends?
I was thinking just a drink to say thank you to him for his support with a difficult issue or something like that, nothing more.
I am definitely not thinking of going back, it's just got me a little nostalgic and thinking about the past/how we are so much older now and how different things could have been.
I prob sound crazy, but I hope that you see what I mean!!

OP posts:
TheSeedsOfADream · 17/10/2020 06:58

This kind of thing was incredibly common in the early days of Facebook, (Friends Reunited for those like me, old enough to remember the thrill of finding your exes) etc.
Whole papers have been written on why we do it, or want to. And for every one that ends happily, 99 are an unmitigated disaster.
My first boyfriend is on my FB. He's from 1984 and "friended" me about 3 years ago. We like the odd post (usually about music- last exchange was over the death of Eddie Van Halen who we saw together in 84) but beyond that, nope.

crumpet · 17/10/2020 07:01

Are you both single?

AcornsVsBcorns · 17/10/2020 07:17

No. The nostalgia is for who YOU used to be. Spending time with him won't bring young you back.

NualaSays · 17/10/2020 07:28

You get that the ‘shy, flirty endearing look’ you keep mentioning is the one he used on the woman he’s now been married to for years, too, right? And that it’s actually mildly gross for him to be trying it out on an ex from 20 years ago that he ran into accidentally?

And a drink to say thank you for support with a difficult issue’ from 20+ years ago sounds both a bit mad and more as though you’re hoping for an apology for him shagging someone else 20 years ago, or for him to shoot you one of his ‘endearing’ looks and admit he’s thought about you daily throughout his marriage.

This reeks of self-delusion. (And I say that as someone who is very close friends with an ex, while happily married.)

CiderJolly · 17/10/2020 07:34

@Peacefulnight you deserve better my dear- you’re at a turning point in your life where you get to choose what kind of person you want to be.

Don’t lower yourself to his (or her) level.

You do sound fed up- maybe a bit of counselling would be a good idea right now?

wherestheotherone · 17/10/2020 07:35

You can't stop thinking about what might have been. Stay away from this one op! It stores trouble.

anniversarywoes · 17/10/2020 07:52

I don't reconnect with my first love but with a lovely man who was 'in love' with me at a times when I wasn't available. He was part of my circle of friends and we always got on really well but as I was in a long term relationship it was never meant to be. There was always clearly a massive attraction between us but I just ignored it!
The night that he confessed he loved me I should of gone for it, my boyfriend at the time wasn't great but I've always been loyal and so wouldn't have dreamt of cheating on him. Total missed opportunity when I look back!!!

25 years has passed and I'm still in touch with him and there's definitely still a spark. He's still very lovely and I'm aware he probably still finds me attractive etc but we're both married now and I would never cheat on dh. Dh actually really likes him and he knows our history but trusts me!!
Dh is totally blinded by love and thinks I'm so gorgeous that he presumes everyone would want me if I was single! Grin

Remona · 17/10/2020 08:05

Please don’t.

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

You’re not really looking to reconnect platonically at all. You’re going to end up getting hurt. Please leave well alone. Cherish the memories but that’s all they are. Memories.

HyaluronicHippo · 17/10/2020 08:25

You seem to be skirting around the whole married thing. Referring to the fact that he did get married, not that he’s currently married and has been for 20 something years. He’s not single. He’s a husband with a family.

Are you single?

LunaNorth · 17/10/2020 08:28

‘Just as friends’, eh?

Right you are...

CandyLeBonBon · 17/10/2020 08:56

Don't be ridiculous.
Stupid idea. And it sounds like he's still married. So a double no.
'Endearing looks' be fucked. Give your head a wobble.

lurch3r · 17/10/2020 09:00

Nope nope nope. You know it.

SandyY2K · 17/10/2020 09:09

Why would you want to reconnect with someone who cheated on you?

What could have been and nostalgia really isn't a thing here, because he left you...so he obviously didn't want marriage with you or care enough not to betray you after a 9 year relationship.

It would be different if circumstances tore you apart, like a relocation to another country or something...but he made a decision that he didn’t want a future with you.

Leave the past in the past, or you'll end up becoming the OW.

Emmapeeler2 · 17/10/2020 09:20

OP this is a terrible idea and you know it. You don't want to be his platonic friend or you wouldn't be talking about endearing looks. Put it in the past and move on!

TheId · 17/10/2020 09:26

Have some self respect OP
He cheated on you!

You talk about 'it just didn't happen' and what a lovely time you had together but that ended because HE CHEATED

Why are you thinking nostalgically of this scumbag? He is the one who ruined all your dreams.
He very clearly did not want to marry you because he left you and married someone else.
One puppy dog look and you want to 'reconnnect'

I think you should absolutely never contact him again and ignore him if you see him. Put your energy into getting something positive in your own life here and now rather than pining over a past that is in reality far from idyllic with your rose tinted glasses

Florencex · 17/10/2020 09:46

To answer the question in your thread title, yes I think it can be fine to re-connect with a first love /ex. I reconnected with mine on Facebook a few years ago. That is the extent of it though, it is totally platonic on both sides. We were mildly interested in how the others life had panned out over the thirty years since. There is no interest whatsoever in “what might have been”.

In your case though, no I don’t think reconnecting is a good idea, because you don’t sound like you want it to be platonic. I also don’t understand what you mean by a quick drink to thank him for his support, when you have not seen him for twenty years other than this one time in passing. Are you seriously going to suggest a drink to thank him for something he did two decades ago? You don’t think that is a bit flimsy?Confused

isthismylifenow · 17/10/2020 09:52

God no.

Assume he is still married?

Even if he isn't I'd still say no

SeaEagleFeather · 17/10/2020 09:53

I've been good friends with my first real bf ... forever, even if we don't see each other that often. But the flame had burned out.

We didn't have an opportunity to exchange more than brief pleasantries when we met, but I have not been able to get him and what could have been out of my mind

your flame has not burned out. You'd be very unwise to go back; you write as if you're dry tinder waiting for a spark.

SandyY2K · 17/10/2020 10:52

@Florencex

I also don’t understand what you mean by a quick drink to thank him for his support, when you have not seen him for twenty years other than this one time in passing.

Exactly 💯

I assume he did whatever it was to support you while you were in a relationship with him.

Why do you feel the need to thank him 20 years after the fact?

These are the stories women tell themselves to justify their actions, which often lead to becoming the OW.

Then they'll make a load of excuses about how "it just happened"

NeedToKnow101 · 17/10/2020 11:13

I started to 're-connect' with my first love. He neglected to tell me he was married with a baby on the way. I was devastated all over again, and felt really guilty too. When I found out it was done and dusted really quickly.

RaisinGhost · 17/10/2020 11:24

It's a no from me OP. Yy to pp who said there is no "what might have been", as he dumped you, and (we can assume from his long marriage) he is happy with his decision.

If you must, definitely come up with something better than the thank him for his support thing. That sounds like some lame thing I might have come up with when chasing after some arsehole!

Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 11:43

@RantyAnty

I think you're reading much more into a brief exchange. Imagining what you wish it would be. He doesn't feel the same way about you.

It's been 20 years. You don't know each other anymore.

He cheated on you. He married her. She was clearly the one for him.

Thanking him for something 20 years ago that he probably doesn't even remember, he'd think you were a bit odd.

Leave the past in the past.

I am not 'thanking' him for something that happened 20 years ago. I would be thanking him for some help with something important that he is doing now.

We were one another's first loves. Together almost 9 years. It's a lot of history.
And no, I am definitely not doing it to get back at his wife as someone suggested.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 11:47

@SandyY2K

@Florencex

I also don’t understand what you mean by a quick drink to thank him for his support, when you have not seen him for twenty years other than this one time in passing.

Exactly 💯

I assume he did whatever it was to support you while you were in a relationship with him.

Why do you feel the need to thank him 20 years after the fact?

These are the stories women tell themselves to justify their actions, which often lead to becoming the OW.

Then they'll make a load of excuses about how "it just happened"

No, that is not correct at all. He is supporting me with something incredibly important NOW Seeing him was unexpected, it was not on my mind at all and there he was! We didn't get an opportunity to speak much, but I definitely felt a connection in the brief exchange we had.
OP posts:
Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 11:52

@Florencex

To answer the question in your thread title, yes I think it can be fine to re-connect with a first love /ex. I reconnected with mine on Facebook a few years ago. That is the extent of it though, it is totally platonic on both sides. We were mildly interested in how the others life had panned out over the thirty years since. There is no interest whatsoever in “what might have been”.

In your case though, no I don’t think reconnecting is a good idea, because you don’t sound like you want it to be platonic. I also don’t understand what you mean by a quick drink to thank him for his support, when you have not seen him for twenty years other than this one time in passing. Are you seriously going to suggest a drink to thank him for something he did two decades ago? You don’t think that is a bit flimsy?Confused

I will say again, I am not thanking him for something 20 years ago. We split on relatively good terms and saw one another once since the split all those years ago to say 'goodbye' and to divide assets etc. It gave us both closure. It was a good thing to do I think.

He is a good person, he doesn't have to help me with what he is doing now, but he has. It's that I was thinking of saying thank you for. It's important and kind of a big deal for me.

OP posts:
SapatSea · 17/10/2020 11:53

If you only had a brief exchange how can he be supporting you with an issue?

You should leave well alone, sounds like you want a way back in. Time has healed the hurt he caused you and also helped you romanticise the past.