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Original poster

Should you ever re-connect (platonicly) with an ex/first love??

87 replies

Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 03:05

It's an incredibly long story, but I unexpectedly bumped into an ex (first love) recently.
I haven't seen him for around 20 or so years, although he doesn't live that far away and I have heard about him through aquintances etc.
We were each-others first loves, first everything I guess.
Together more than 9 years from mid /late teen years upwards.
We were living together when we split up when he met a woman at work and cheated.
After we split, he later married her.
We didn't have an opportunity to exchange more than brief pleasantries when we met, but I have not been able to get him and what could have been out of my mind.

Is it ever a good idea to re-connect with an ex, just as friends?
I was thinking just a drink to say thank you to him for his support with a difficult issue or something like that, nothing more.
I am definitely not thinking of going back, it's just got me a little nostalgic and thinking about the past/how we are so much older now and how different things could have been.
I prob sound crazy, but I hope that you see what I mean!!

OP posts:
ginghamtablecloths · 17/10/2020 11:58

No Peaceful leave the past where it belongs - in the past. We all have our 'what might have been' moments and we'll never know. No good can come of it. Concentrate on life today.

Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 12:03

@crumpet

Are you both single?
No, he is married.
OP posts:
Lila5665 · 17/10/2020 12:03

Why did you split on relatively good terms if he cheated on you? Is he giving you a reference now or something like that? He can't be your friend now because he wasn't your friend then. I actually have experience of a similar situation except we were teenagers when he cheated so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and was friendly when I met him again. Turns out he was a person that hadn't grown up and changed and he is back out of my life. Some people leave your life because they should and there is no benefit to looking backwards. Protect yourself, you've already said you can't stop thinking of him. Just move on. If he's done you a favour then good, leave it at that.

Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 12:08

@NualaSays

You get that the ‘shy, flirty endearing look’ you keep mentioning is the one he used on the woman he’s now been married to for years, too, right? And that it’s actually mildly gross for him to be trying it out on an ex from 20 years ago that he ran into accidentally?

And a drink to say thank you for support with a difficult issue’ from 20+ years ago sounds both a bit mad and more as though you’re hoping for an apology for him shagging someone else 20 years ago, or for him to shoot you one of his ‘endearing’ looks and admit he’s thought about you daily throughout his marriage.

This reeks of self-delusion. (And I say that as someone who is very close friends with an ex, while happily married.)

No, I had closure when we met shortly after the split to discuss assets etc. He was very humble, apologised at the time and we discussed things properly with no arguing or anything. We had a cry, a hug and said goodbye and went our separate ways amicably. I have nothing to say thank you for from 20 years ago. It's something he's doing now that I was going to say thank you for.
OP posts:
Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 12:15

@Lila5665

Why did you split on relatively good terms if he cheated on you? Is he giving you a reference now or something like that? He can't be your friend now because he wasn't your friend then. I actually have experience of a similar situation except we were teenagers when he cheated so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and was friendly when I met him again. Turns out he was a person that hadn't grown up and changed and he is back out of my life. Some people leave your life because they should and there is no benefit to looking backwards. Protect yourself, you've already said you can't stop thinking of him. Just move on. If he's done you a favour then good, leave it at that.
No. He is a witness in a historic sexual abuse case that I am the chief witness on. The prosecution (police) asked for disclosures.... There were a few. He was one of the first people I told, so they contacted him and he made a statement. I wasn't expecting him to have to come though. The reason for the brief exchange is that witnesses are kept apart.
OP posts:
Lila5665 · 17/10/2020 12:30

I'm sorry you are going through this just now. It must be difficult. Please though.... You deserved better then and don't read anything into his endearing look. He is being wholly inappropriate in the circumstances.

You deserved better than what he gave you. End of conversation, end of situation, end of relationship. Don't go back there. Not for any type of friendship. It won't lead to anything good and you need support now, not complications. Xxx

Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 13:00

@Lila5665

I'm sorry you are going through this just now. It must be difficult. Please though.... You deserved better then and don't read anything into his endearing look. He is being wholly inappropriate in the circumstances.

You deserved better than what he gave you. End of conversation, end of situation, end of relationship. Don't go back there. Not for any type of friendship. It won't lead to anything good and you need support now, not complications. Xxx

Thank you for making me see sense, even just a little! I was on the verge of contacting him via Facebook on a low point last night, but I decided against it, thankfully.
OP posts:
Peridot1 · 17/10/2020 13:16

As everyone else as said it’s not a good idea for you. Lots of us are in platonic touch with exes. I am. But he didn’t cheat on me.

In your circumstances your ex cheated so it wasn’t your choice it ended. So you still have feelings.

I dream about mine a lot. Dream we are on the verge of getting back together. Just before I started ivf with DH I even dreamt I was looking for him where we used to work to ask him if it was ok that I was starting ivf! Totally weird! I have no interest in him now. We have spoken on the phone once and I came away thinking ‘yes still a lovely guy but not for me’.

You feel differently. You still have feelings for him. And the fact he is helping out now makes him seem a bit saviour like too which colours things.

WoodenFox · 17/10/2020 13:18

I got back together with my first love. We were together for the whole of our A levels. Got back in touch after 15 years. Been together ever since, married with DC.

Angrymum22 · 17/10/2020 13:18

It is a kind and generous thing he is doing for you and I suspect the look is one of support and compassion rather than passion. It was obviously a terrible episode in your life and you shared it with him. If he has children, particularly daughters he is doing the right thing as a father not an ex lover, in the hope that other men would do the same for any female relative of his. He is indeed a good man.
With this in mind he is very unlikely to rekindle your relationship at this very vulnerable time.

RantyAnty · 17/10/2020 13:31

Well that was a massive drip feed. Hmm

Thestreets · 17/10/2020 13:34

@RantyAnty Don't be a dick. OP is clearly going through a lot at the moment.

Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 13:35

@RantyAnty

Well that was a massive drip feed. Hmm
The case isn't over and I am not supposed to discuss it, so I didn't want to say too much. However, I felt it necessary for context. I will be in contact with him, to some degree in the future when he comes to court to give evidence. (the case is to be listed for re-trial)
OP posts:
Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 13:41

[quote Thestreets]@RantyAnty Don't be a dick. OP is clearly going through a lot at the moment.[/quote]
Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 13:45

@Angrymum22

It is a kind and generous thing he is doing for you and I suspect the look is one of support and compassion rather than passion. It was obviously a terrible episode in your life and you shared it with him. If he has children, particularly daughters he is doing the right thing as a father not an ex lover, in the hope that other men would do the same for any female relative of his. He is indeed a good man. With this in mind he is very unlikely to rekindle your relationship at this very vulnerable time.
I don't want to re-kindle anything, or step on anyone's toes. I'd like to say thank you to him and possibly have a platonic relationship with him. A deep fantasy maybe thinks about what it would be like to re-kindle the passion, but realistically I don't have any romantic feelings for him.
OP posts:
workhomesleeprepeat · 17/10/2020 13:52

I think he’s obviously doing what a decent person would do in this situation. Means he is an ok guy.

But there’s no need to go gushing about your gratefulness and developing a “platonic” relationship.

Wishing you the best with your case, sounds very tough. I think maybe your vulnerability around this has made you want to look for the security you once had with him.

But he’s not this perfect guy, he did cheat on you back then. I think you need to focus on you OP. Treat yourself with love and kindness. This interest in associating with you ex will fade

CandyLeBonBon · 17/10/2020 14:01

Still a nope from me op. But you already know that.

Remona · 17/10/2020 14:18

It sounds like you're having a stressful time and it cannot be easy for you.

However, I think you are kidding yourself. What he has done is what any person with decency and empathy would do. The police approached him about circumstances he had knowledge of and he simply agreed to provide a witness statement. That's what most people would do.

My feeling is that you're using the above as an excuse to rekindle your relationship. There's absolutely no need to take him out for a drink that thank him for what he's done. The next time you happen to see him you can simply say "I appreciate what you did, thank you". That's it. No need to go out for drinks. No need to try and develop a platonic friendship.

You say "I don't want to re-kindle anything, or step on anyone's toes.
I'd like to say thank you to him and possibly have a platonic relationship with him. A deep fantasy maybe thinks about what it would be like to re-kindle the passion, but realistically I don't have any romantic feelings for him."

Your choice of words here is very telling - fantasy, passion etc.

I think you want more from him than you dare to admit. You would be wise to leave things be. At best you'll going to feel embarrassed if he's not interested and at worst you're going to get hurt. I doubt his current partner would be happy about him starting up any sort of relationship with his ex.

KarmaNoMore · 17/10/2020 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 14:34

@KarmaNoMore

Honestly, you cannot get a person from your past involved in a court process as a witness when you are also a witness and then take it over into a platonic relationship.

That is wrong and a little bit stalkish. He accepted to help on that because is the right thing or because police asked him to. If you are grateful say thanks on passing or send him a card.

Everybody here is telling you not to invite him to meet on the assumption that he will agree, but the most likely response to your invitation is, “sorry Peacefulnight, I have a family and I’m happy with my life”. Wouldn’t that be worse? You are assuming he is going to say yes when it is more likely he will say no thanks.

He is involved as a witness to provide evidence of my disclosure to him.

Just to clarify, I absolutely would not in any circumstances get involved with him platonicly or in any way before the case is finished.
I won't do anything to jeorpodise that.
I can't send him a card, but I may get one to pass to him given the opportunity at the end of the case, just a simple thank you card, or maybe I won't bother.

I felt the need to reach out last night at a low point, but I resisted, I can resist again.

I guess that looking at things differently, he is just doing the 'right' thing and this goes a little way to alleviate any guilt he may (or may not) feel for cheating.

OP posts:
Thestreets · 17/10/2020 14:38

@workhomesleeprepeat

I think he’s obviously doing what a decent person would do in this situation. Means he is an ok guy.

But there’s no need to go gushing about your gratefulness and developing a “platonic” relationship.

Wishing you the best with your case, sounds very tough. I think maybe your vulnerability around this has made you want to look for the security you once had with him.

But he’s not this perfect guy, he did cheat on you back then. I think you need to focus on you OP. Treat yourself with love and kindness. This interest in associating with you ex will fade

Excellent post. I wish you well OP and hope you find the justice and peace you are looking for.
Sssloou · 17/10/2020 15:26

Sounds like you have some level of denial
and dissociation. How did it come to be that the love of your life for 9 years cheats on you and it was all amicable etc?

Where was your shock, rage etc?

SeaEagleFeather · 17/10/2020 15:28

A thank you card at the end is lovely. Leave it at that.

I think workhomes is right. He made you feel safe once, you are remembering that and with all the oceans of stress you're living with at the moment, you want to cling to the liferaft you once had.

But that time has been and gone.

Wishing you the very best in the case. To hell with the shits who act like this and put you thru such awful things.

Fionasmammy · 17/10/2020 15:46

Principally, i do not think that exes staying friends work. I think in your situation you have nothing to thank him for, he morally had a duty to cooperate and say what he knew. It wasn't a favour ro thank him for. If anything, your bravery in coming forward enabled him to use the heavy stuff he knew about in a constructive manner rather than another sad secret taken to the grave that many people seem to have. You gave him the opportunity to be useful and find closure about the unsettling information he had. Think no more of it.

Original poster
Peacefulnight · 17/10/2020 16:08

@SeaEagleFeather

A thank you card at the end is lovely. Leave it at that.

I think workhomes is right. He made you feel safe once, you are remembering that and with all the oceans of stress you're living with at the moment, you want to cling to the liferaft you once had.

But that time has been and gone.

Wishing you the very best in the case. To hell with the shits who act like this and put you thru such awful things.

I think that you, and those that have spoken about stability have hit the nail on the head to be honest. I think that I am clinging to what might have been. I also think that I don't feel attractive anymore. I have put on a lot of weight over the years and aged since he last saw me. I think that I wanted to hope that he still found me attractive, still saw something in me. The actual and very real fact is that I am not the slim (size 10) beautiful young girl he fell in love with, far from it. I think that a big part of me wanted to be her again. To enjoy the fun, somewhat carefree days, the holidays, weekends away etc we had!!

I also wonder if I'd met him in different circumstances, without this vulnerability in the way, would I feel the same?!

OP posts: