Inappropriate messsges??

[Livergal]

Hi
Just wanted some advice about a few messages I’ve seen my husband has sent to a woman he works with - on Teams so not personal texts or emails it’s in a work context but he’s complimented her hair, invited her to go running with him And he’s bought her lunch. Should I be worried ? She’s married and we’ve been married 17 years!

He's certainly being friendly and possibly overstepping colleague boundaries (depends on workplace culture) but perhaps this is normal behaviour for him?

How did you come across these messages? Did you go looking because you're suspicious?

Yes I guess I was being nosey - he’s never mentioned her before and they are interspersed in work chat

I mean, I send questionable stuff to my colleages and them to me, funny GIFs etc, but I wouldn't even think of contacting them out of work, woukldn't text, message on fb etc. And if someone wants to buy my dinner they can crack on.. ! Still wouldn't mean anything to me in that way.
Is she someone he mentions?

So you were suspicious, yes?

I am all for male-female friendships, have been out running with colleagues and having lunch etc, so each taken separately wouldn't bother me, but all taken together, it's overstepping bigtime IMO. He wouldn't compliment a male colleague, take him to lunch and invite him to go for a run now, would he???

I share memes with some male colleagues, stupid things about tv shows usually, but complimenting their appearance one on one is a bit much. In group calls if someone has a haircut or a new shirt etc we will all compliment each other.

@Livergal

Hi Just wanted some advice about a few messages I’ve seen my husband has sent to a woman he works with - on Teams so not personal texts or emails it’s in a work context but he’s complimented her hair, invited her to go running with him And he’s bought her lunch. Should I be worried ? She’s married and we’ve been married 17 years!

Should you be worried? That depends! Has he mentioned her before to you? Have you ever heard him compliment other people on their appearance - either gender? In what context was the running invitation made? Was lunch just the two of them and did he tell you about it?

How did he compliment her hair? That’s the weird one. Did she mention it first?

He’s never mentioned her to me I’ve never heard her name mentioned.

It went something like “ have you had ur her done? I noticed you had it up the other day”.

One to keep eye on for sure. The complimenting is a bit much

I would be worried about your dh buying her lunch. I would also be worried that him inviting her to go running is an excuse/ploy to spend time with her alone. He has overstepped the boundaries.

I agree I’m pretty upset but know if I bring it up he’ll just say it was nothing and then be more careful in future so I can’t get on his work phone. I think I’m going to monitor for a while

Your dh is showing he is keen on this woman and appears to be flattering her.

It's difficult to say if you should be worried as it depends on what sort of people you are. E.g. are you busy people such that he might not think to mentioned he'd bought lunch for a colleague?
Would you expect him to tell you if he'd bought lunch for someone? Would he expect you to tell him if you'd bought lunch for someone?

It really really depends on the context, his personality, your relationship history etc. What does your gut tell you? Don't be influenced by the opinion of people on here, it's your life and the consequences of your reaction are yours to deal with...

@Faith50

Your dh is showing he is keen on this woman and appears to be flattering her.

I agree with this but I also do think that men who are genuinely nice people will notice a woman's change of hairstyle and will comment upon it without there being any attraction or flirting involved.

Men don't compliment women unless they intend to. There's purpose there. Watch him like a hawk.

I think you either trust him or you don't. I'm some ways it doesn't matter what he's doing, because for you to not trust him, something has gone wrong.

That said, of course it matters if he's flirting or being a sleaze ball.

Do you like being married to him?

Sounds inappropriate for sure.
I’d be snooping further 😉

Yes, you could watch (therein possible madness lies) and wait or nip it in the bud now. I'll share some wise words from a fellow MN'er who has commented on these boards before and who I think has it spot on:

"what you allow to continue continues, what continues escalates"

Yes I would be worried, the hair comment not so much, he didn't pay her a compliment as such just that it looked different.

Inviting her to go running with him though would set alarm bells, that's a bit cosy and buying her lunch is not what colleagues do unless she paid him to buy it for her, I think you gave every right to question your worries. Only problem is would they switch to pm, just your gut.

@Livergal

It went something like “ have you had ur her done? I noticed you had it up the other day”.

This is an orange flag... I feel like most men wouldn’t notice if a woman has her hair up or down unless it’s someone they have a special interest in. Most men don’t pay attention to those types of details and if they do they don’t think about commenting on them.

Yes he fancies her

Wouldn't concern me in the slightest

I more than sure my OH has complimented his female Co workers. Positive he's bought them lunch and little presents. If he ran, pretty sure he'd invite them if it was a common interest. I've even helped pick out presents for them

Absolutely no way would he cheat on me, or has done in the past. Not a chance.

Men can do all the above without wanting anything sinister