Inappropriate messsges??

[Livergal]

Hi
Just wanted some advice about a few messages I’ve seen my husband has sent to a woman he works with - on Teams so not personal texts or emails it’s in a work context but he’s complimented her hair, invited her to go running with him And he’s bought her lunch. Should I be worried ? She’s married and we’ve been married 17 years!

If you didn't think there was cause for concern you wouldn't have looked and you wouldn't be posting.

Being brutally honest are you normally a jealous/possessive type? Some are, but if not then that would suggest something made you feel suspicious.

Any one or even at a push 2 of those things might not be a major issue, but 3+ I think is reasonable cause for concern.

What you do now very much depends on how well you know him.

You could keep it to yourself and monitor, but that will have an impact on the relationship regardless and also means you risk him being physically unfaithful

You could speak to him, he might fess up but he's more likely to deny and as you say make it harder for you to monitor

You could wait a short amount of time, maybe hint/discuss someone else's infidelity, monitor and if you see things getting worse then confront him.

I caught on far too late, blaming my suspicions on my own tiredness etc at first and he did a job on me in terms of gaslighting as soon as he sensed I was suss.

By the time I was fairly sure and checking emails etc (pre smart phones) and finding proof the affair was in full swing.

Judgment call I'm afraid.

@baileys6904 I sincerely hope you're right, but don't let your faith in him make you complacent or blind.

More than a few mners were you at one point only to be blindsided at a later stage.

@SecondStageIgnition

think that men who are genuinely nice people will notice a woman's change of hairstyle and will comment upon it without there being any attraction or flirting involved.

I totally agree with this. Complimenting someone costs nothing and can make someone's day.
I can only assume anyone who would automatically see this as an approach , would also think that anyone having a new hairstyle or dressing was trying to illicit an approach.

I am not sure if you have anything to worry about, but I would see if you can join their lunches and running. If this meets resistance than I would not be happy with their relationship.

Watch and wait, your spider senses may be tingling (checking his messages) for a reason. If innocent he maybe should have mentioned her. Does he notice male colleagues appearance, comment and invite them for runs? He could be putting himself offside if innocent (if she went for a run alone with him, she could accuse him of anything) etc. Professional boundaries could be blurred

Your husband is playing with fire.

I don't check his phone. I don't look at his emails. I don't track him.

I also don't drive myself mad wondering if he's cheating on me.

I know him. I know his character. I know his faults. I know his likes and dislikes. I know him. I love him. I trust him. Simple.

Most men can keep their penises where they belong. This forum gives a biased perspective as its users have usually ended up here due to personal experiences that are negative and they give their opinions based on their own journey. However that can lead to women being given a negative perspective and transferring those feelings and experiences onto their own relationship. It's dangerous.

Agreed

The above reply was directed at @graphista BTW, for her 'kind' comments

most men wouldnt notice a hair do so yanbu also i dont buy lunch for anyone unless trying to impress so yanbu and i wouldnt be pleased if my husband was being that friendly with a woman

There's a voice in your head that's trying to tell you something. Listen to it 🚩

This wouldn't worry me, but you were clearly suspicious to look to begin with, what made you suspicious?

In my team, we compliment each other, buy each other lunch /drinks and invite each other to hobbies - none of that is unusual. But we are a very friendly group of co- workers with a lot in common. I've even invited one of my male co-workers to my house to stay overnight (he lives 100s of miles away) as it was more comfortable than staying in a hotel. I made us dinner and we had a few drinks, my DP was there to but it wouldn't be unusual if DP was working away for him to stay. I really hope his DW was not worried, as it is more of a sibling relationship. Some of it depends on the culture of your workplace.

I’m just fed up I’ve got 3 kids and I’m not prepared to upheave their lives cause he’s been a dick but I’m upset he’s doing this behind my back. I do think he’s probably just flirting for a bit of fun and pretty sure she’s not interested as she’s not leading him on at all. Wish he didn’t disrespect our marriage though

Complementing her, buying her lunch, inviting her running so he can be alone with her and make that a habit... I'd be pissed off, he's clearly trying to get close to her.

Don't let people gaslight you into ignoring your own instincts and the evidence in front of you by claiming "jealousy and insecurity". You're suspicious for very good reason.

I would keep an eye on things, I wouldn’t like them going for a run together. Buying lunch wouldn’t bother me if they take it in turns etc but the compliment is flirty. See if she flirts back or not, I wouldn’t confront yet

How did you see the messages OP? Does he just message her, or others too?

Most men can keep their penises where they belong

Absolutely not my life experience at all and yes I mean real life and not just my ex.

Nor just my single mum friends, almost every long term relationship breakdown I know why the reason has been the man's infidelity.

As a single woman I've honestly lost count of the number of married men that have propositioned me and I really ain't all that!

But they think single mums are desperate - for sex, for Male companionship AND for female friendship so they think that will stop you telling your friends - their wives.

Trust is one thing, blind trust is foolish.

My ex NOBODY ever expected he'd cheat, his own family were so shocked they thought he was having a breakdown (he wasn't), I had people for a good few years after disbelieving, thinking I was kidding them on even when I told them why we split. A few even said that if anyone was going to leave for someone else they'd have thought it would be me rather than him because he was so boring.

You cannot definitively say that a person will never cheat.

And the comments WERE intended to be kind - sans sarcastic quote marks - because I wouldn't wish being blindsided in that way or going through that on anyone.

I'm not saying you have to go snooping, just have a realistic view of life and relationships and protect your own relationship (as far as you can).

I trusted not only him but her - she was a neighbour and supposedly a friend! Ha!

So at first when they started spending more time together I didn't especially think much of it.

@baileys6904

Wouldn't concern me in the slightest

I more than sure my OH has complimented his female Co workers. Positive he's bought them lunch and little presents. If he ran, pretty sure he'd invite them if it was a common interest. I've even helped pick out presents for them

Absolutely no way would he cheat on me, or has done in the past. Not a chance.

Men can do all the above without wanting anything sinister

Yes, but there's a difference between doing these things, and being up front, and doing these things and hiding it.

This would be a deal breaker for me. He’s trying it on

I'm a runner, and men inviting you to go running with them is always the way annoying men try to create some link with you. There are plenty of running clubs and groups, even in these covid times, to run with if you want company, most women have plenty of existing friends they tend to run with too.

Its a "safe" inlet for a man on the make, because it doesn't sound like a date but it means they can spend time with you alone to see if its possible to take it further.

I'm quite a serious runner, and I find it incredibly annoying.

...if I bring it up he’ll just say it was nothing...

But it is very much ‘something’ to you. He is pursuing this woman and setting up 1:1 scenarios.

You’d be wise to tackle this now before it ramps up. Tell him that you are not prepared to be made a fool of. Remind him that he has much to lose.

It just seems like normal workplace banter to me - so far, anyway.

@graphista of course I can say he won't cheat. He wont. Just like I know I wouldn't.

And you Are using your life experiences to affect your advice. I'm also quite surprised at the amount of infidelity you have in your circle. I know many relationships that ended through other reasons. Not every man cheats, just like not every woman does. To generalise is ridiculous and dangerous.

I also wouldnt expect my oh to tell me beforehand the conversations he were to have with female friends and colleagues, so not everything is upfront. I have had passwords to emails, devices, safe, everything. I've never felt the need to use them and doubt I ever would.

Maybe it's an age thing. I've gone through the dickheads and come out of the other side. But 100% not every man is a cheater

I agree, not every man is a cheater. Saying so is a really disrespectful generalisation to men!

I think the issue here is that you don’t trust him, otherwise you wouldn’t be snooping on him. Imagine how you would feel if he was snooping on you? I think you should talk to him about this and have an open and honest conversation about your relationship

Talk to him OP. Tell him how you feel about how he's talking to her. Workplace/home lines have become a bit blurred what with working from home and all, but if you feel uncomfortable you need to tell him.

Not all men cheat, to say they do is unfair and a generalisation, but I agree with @Graphista in that trust is one thing, blind trust another. If I'd been less accommodating about DHs flirtatious nature being 'just the way he is' we wouldn't have spent the last 3 years working through and healing from the aftermath of his affair.

In no way am I saying that this is what will happen in your case OP, but if your spidey senses are tingling, go with that and work it through with him.

Don't be kicking yourself later for not doing something when you had the chance.

Take care.

My "circle" is very broad - i have friends and family in almost every "category" (socio-economic, political affiliation etc) you can think of mainly due to having been an army brat then an army wife and so having lived and worked in many different places not only in the Uk but abroad too. And when I say abroad I wasn't living or working on base and met and became friends with people of different nationalities.

I NEVER said all men cheat I said a lot do which is my VALID life experience. I also have some excellent men in my circle who are great husbands and fathers, I would be very shocked if they cheated but I would never say they'd never cheat. You can't predict another persons potential behaviour 100%

And you Are using your life experiences to affect your advice

Everyone on mn does this including you

Also I'm 48 so hardly young and inexperienced

Don’t see the big issue here tbh?

Unless you have a history or a reason to not trust him!?

I text a male colleague regularly and we (before lockdown) went for lunch every Friday together and took turns to pay! Am sure we’ve probably complimented each other too about things 😂

I’ve been on nights out with him as well / to comedy gigs / concerts etc !

My husband has no probs with this - but I’ve never given him any reason to