DP has become selfish in bed. Does it mean he doesn't fancy me?

[selfishinbeddp]

Name changed for this.

Together 16 years. Have DC.

He's kind of gradually changed into being really selfish sexually.

I can't think of an accurate timeline as such cause it's a long relationship. Perhaps over the past 4/5 years maybe.

My appearance has changed in a way I can do nothing about. Don't want to be outing by saying what exactly, but it's a dermatology diagnosis. Otherwise I'm the same as when we met. An extra stone, but I'm still a healthy BMI and he's not exactly fit himself!

He is so selfish. He asks for oral very frequently but stopped giving any about 2/3 years ago. He initiates sex quite often though and will touch me in places during IF I take my clothes off eg if I take my bra off, almost like it's expected as I've taken it off iyswim. No foreplay, literally not even a minute, and I've asked and asked, it's always "next time" . If I don't orgasm (about 3/4 of the time), he will make no effort to finish me by touch afterwards unless I ask him.

We have arguments about this and he maintains he does want to. I say well why don't you then unless I ask! . He says it's cause I push him away and stop him touching certain areas of me cause of my body image issues (it's true I do relating to above medical prob, cause I'm not comfortable with it, but everywhere else I don't mind him touching and I've made that clear). Kissing is like a few seconds and not passionate like it used to be.

Sometimes he does compliment certain bits like my bum or boobs (thats it really).

He never used to be like this. For many years we had a good sex life.

I am on the verge of just saying to him I'll give you oral but that's it going forward, I'm sick of feeling rejected and wondering if it's because my medical condition puts him off.

Wwyd. I'd like opinions on if it sounds like he isn't as into me anymore or doesn't fancy me as much anymore, despite what he says.

I am on the verge of just saying to him I'll give you oral but that's it going forward

What you should say is it's not worth you having sex with him, if you're left unsatisfied and frustrated...because it doesn't leave you feeling good.

By giving him oral, I don't see how that solves the problem. You just allow his selfishness to continue and it's your right to say where you want to be touched.

You could simply say, if you aren't getting to climax, you're not keen on it.

If you don't make a stand... it will continue and you'll end up feeling resentul and like an unpaid prostitute...purely there for his pleasure.

I'd just say no. It's not enjoyable for you. You get nothing out of it - neither physical pleasure or a mental boost.

Just stop.

Let him buck his ideas up.

No foreplay, literally not even a minute, and I've asked and asked, it's always "next time"

Isn't sex painful for you if you haven't had any foreplay? Fuck the "next time" bollocks, how about "right now or you're not sticking it inside me buster"? Or the more genuine to me, "no thanks i don't really feel like it, there's nothing much in it for me these days". It would certainly be a no to a blow job for him if it were me.

You've tried to talk it out. He says next time and it never is. You could do worse than starting to refuse sex imo.

I meant to say, I don't really want to go down the road of asking him to do stuff for me, or forcing the issue by saying I'll only do oral IF you sort me out too. Or hinting at that.

That makes me feel as if he's not doing it because he genuinely wants me, and it puts me off.

A couple of days ago he asked for oral, and I said ok as long as you touch me after. He did it, but I really couldn't get into it, because I know he wouldn't have done it without my asking.

It feels pretty doomed

I'm always left wondering if he isn't really attracted to me anymore but I'm his 'person' to have sex with so he does it when the need takes him so to speak.

I know he still loves me in the non romantic sense, how can he be so selfish.

Have you asked outright for him to do oral? If he asks you directly I would do the same. What is it the woman in Pulp Fiction says 'you first'?

And if he's not bothered with foreplay, when he makes a move towards penetration I would be saying 'I'm not ready yet'.

As Sandy said don't just say you'll give him oral. It won't help.

I think there’s fault in both sides. You are quite rigid on what he’s allowed to do which I doubt is very relaxing if he’s got to think about everything and now you think he has lost interest and rounds and round you go.

I don't want to force the issue though. If he doesn't want to do certain things with me. I want him to want to of his own accord, or not to bother at all.

He hates talking about relationship stuff, he won't say what the reason is, if he doesn't fancy me as much anymore, he certainly wouldn't admit that.

My saying I'm at the verge of just giving him oral and refusing sex is I guess because I don't want to split up the relationship prematurely if somehow this fixes itself (I know!!) or go through the upheaval of a split. Oral doesn't have the same intimacy or leave me feeling as frustrated and unwanted as sex does.

But equally op he's asking you to do things you don't really want to do either.

Have you tried to bring it up at a time when you're not engaging in sexual activity? Have you explained how it's making you feel?

@BlushingBrightly I wouldn't ask him to do oral, cause I wouldn't enjoy it, knowing that he would only be doing it cause I asked. The argument goes round and round. Me - "what's the reason you don't want to give me oral anymore? please tell me" him - "I do want to do it" me - "well why don't you ever do it then?, if you wanted to you would"

@SBTLove I get what you are saying, but it's literally one (non genital) area I'm uncomfortable with being directly touched, cause it makes me self conscious.

I meant to say, I don't really want to go down the road of asking him to do stuff for me

That makes me feel as if he's not doing it because he genuinely wants me, and it puts me off.

I don't blame you, most people would feel the same. However that brings us to an impasse doesn't it? He's happy enough to ask you for things and get his own end away without giving you what you need and you're doing things to appease him because you're afraid of breaking up the family. There is zero motivation here for him to change. His wife isn't going to leave him, he doesn't have to bother with anything that gives you any satisfaction, and he gets his blow jobs and sex.

You've well and truly got the shit end of the deal with the status quo haven't you.

@amillionwishes

But equally op he's asking you to do things you don't really want to do either.

Have you tried to bring it up at a time when you're not engaging in sexual activity? Have you explained how it's making you feel?

I used to like doing it for him. Still do to some extent, but I'm getting more and more resentful yes.

Yeah I've tried talking to him after sex and also in times way out with sex. I've told him how it makes me feel rejected, ugly, confused, although perhaps I could've been more blunt with exactly how it makes me feel.

@ColleagueFromMars Yes you are right. In sex and in a broader sense, I think he just thinks I'll never leave. He makes effort with stuff like my birthday, and he'll say I love you and hug me etc, but he doesn't ever care about things in the relationship which make me unhappy, even if I spell out how unhappy they are making me, because he doesn't think I'll leave.

I can't work out if he's just gotten lazy, or he isn't really attracted to me anymore, or a bit of both.

I'll get criticised no end for saying this, but withholding sex is a powerful thing in getting a man to change his behaviour.

"I'm sorry but I'm deeply unaroused by how lazy you have become during sex. I also find it a total turn off to have to nag you to pay any attention whatsoever to my sexual needs at all. I'm taking sex off the table for 2 months. We can both use the time to think about what we actually want our sex life to look like, because I sure as hell don't want it to continue to look like it does at the moment.

I get what you're saying, I wouldn't criticise you for it at all. I think you are right tbh .

However I know that if I gave him that ultimatum, he'd make effort for a time, but it wouldn't be because he genuinely wanted to, so it wouldn't make any difference to me, I'd still be in the same (crappy) boat.

Do you (or anyone else) think from what I've posted, he's gone off me? Or just laziness?

I think it's totally fair to not give oral if you are not receiving, I wouldn't. As for no foreplay, or oral, then I'd be no piv, unless it's an agreed quickie - lol, an ex was surprised once that I was up for a straight quickie - had to take my son to football match so short of time, early KO, usually he liked to go to town - DC is priority. Anyway, fun as a one off.
I doubt it's a case of fancying you or not after so long together, probably more fancies it, so he's after his own satisfaction only. In a loving relationship, he should be considering you. If you're not loving towards each other generally in your relationship, he's switched off to you as a person, bit grim to have sex with such a poor attitude.

There’s no way I’d be giving oral if I wasn’t getting it.
I’m not forcing him to give it to me but he wouldn’t be getting it either.

It’s like if a dog pisses on the floor you aren’t going to give him a treat and say “Good boy!”

You don’t reward bad behaviour.

@ColleagueFromMars

I'll get criticised no end for saying this, but withholding sex is a powerful thing in getting a man to change his behaviour.

"I'm sorry but I'm deeply unaroused by how lazy you have become during sex. I also find it a total turn off to have to nag you to pay any attention whatsoever to my sexual needs at all. I'm taking sex off the table for 2 months. We can both use the time to think about what we actually want our sex life to look like, because I sure as hell don't want it to continue to look like it does at the moment.

This ^ 100%

I see what you mean, I shouldn't give him oral.

I feel so hurt and rejected and sad that I think I want to 'shut off' from our sex life, without the hassle and atmosphere of him moaning etc if he doesn't get anything. PIV feels too rejecting at the moment. He knows how I feel and doesn't care. It really hurts me that he maybe doesn't fancy me much anymore due to the change in my appearance.

I guess it's the beginning of the end. I don't want it to be, but it doesn't seem fixable. I don't want to have to nag him into it or issue ultimatums as that puts me off, but I can feel myself shutting off from him the way things are. Either way not good.

@SBTLove It sounds more like for instance a lot of women don't like having their tummy touched. Having non-erogenous zones he can't deliberately touch isn't going to restrict sex much.

@selfishinbeddp One relationship I was in really changed when after some particularly bad behaviour I left and stayed with a family member for the night. Afterwards I said to the bloke
' I don't think you understand. I don't have to be with you. If you're crap, I won't bother. '

After that he stopped taking me for granted and upped his game.

If you go somewhere else for a night it might make an impact.

I honestly don't know if there's an answer to this. It's possible he doesn't fancy you. It's possible that he's just taking you for granted. It's possible you taste different now (sorry). It's possible that over the years you've lost the closeness and some resentment has built up. It's do hard to know - what does your gut tell you?

Going to see a counsellor together could be a good idea. Not something I usually suggest but this time maybe it could be useful?

And if you haven't spent large amounts of money on a PRIVATE dermatologist please do so right now. Having a skin condition is just crippling for your self esteem and the nhs does not have the resources to treat it. Plus things have changed.

And as for the not orgasming.. a lot of people touch themselves while they are doing it. Guys find it a turn on a lot of the time (it's very common in porn) and it's absolutely guaranteed. It doesn't mean he's off the hook foreplay wise but it takes some pressure off both of you. Or even get a vibratorvyo use with or without him. It could just be he's a little bored with your sex life. You certainly are and life is too short to be coming 30% of the time.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

Thank you for all the suggestions.

I'm not sure. My gut tells me that he doesn't fancy me as much due to my condition and also just how long we've been together, and so although he still has a sex drive, and I'm his 'allocated person' to have sex with, he's not like "phowar!!" anymore, and so sex has become functional and mechanical. He's quite selfish in general and so my needs not being met because he's not super attracted to me anymore, doesn't bother him. That's just my gut feeling, he'd never tell me either way. I don't think I completely put him off, he still seems to like parts of me and from his face during he enjoys sex.

I have really good hygiene and no thrush or BV or anything, so I really don't think I taste bad, but yes he stopped doing it and on the extremely rare occasion he has done it in the past few years, it's when he's been really drunk .

He refuses counselling. There's no way I could get him to go. I go myself (for other issues) and counsellor suggests maybe he doesn't actually ever question or think about if he still fancies me, perhaps he just wants sex and I'm his partner. Also suggests I should try saying no to sex and sexual activity, see how he reacts and protect myself a bit.

The condition I have can't be cured or treated sadly. I spend thousands a year on cover ups, but I think he prefers 'natural' looking women over 'fake'. Nothing I can do though.

I do touch myself some of the times we have sex, doesn't always work, but does some of the time. Also I sometimes orgasm from PIV if the angle is completely right.

I miss that connection and chemistry we used to have though. I often get sad thinking he'd probably have it for someone new but not me.

@ColleagueFromMars

I'll get criticised no end for saying this, but withholding sex is a powerful thing in getting a man to change his behaviour.

"I'm sorry but I'm deeply unaroused by how lazy you have become during sex. I also find it a total turn off to have to nag you to pay any attention whatsoever to my sexual needs at all. I'm taking sex off the table for 2 months. We can both use the time to think about what we actually want our sex life to look like, because I sure as hell don't want it to continue to look like it does at the moment.

I don't like that term withholding sex at all!

It's rare that people actually withhold it in that sense of the word where they do it just to kind of control their partner.

Most times when people are 'withholding' sex it's because they don't want to have sex with their partner for various reasons!

In this case it's perfectly understandable why she wouldn't want to have sex and actually why she SHOULDN'T have sex. He won't even do one minute of foreplay. He's not doing anything to please her. The sex can't be very pleasant for her and when you go through a lot of unpleasant sex....even if it's consensual....if there are unpleasant or unsetting emotions associated with it (like there are in the OPs case) then in the long term it can cause a lot of sexual trauma to the person involved!

So I completely agree with you @ColleagueFromMars I just hate the term withholding!

Well I wouldn’t be giving him anything let alone oral sex! You need to spell it out to him at a time when you are not in bed. If he is selfish in bed that’s usually an indicator (to me) that they are selfish in other ways. Your pleasure is not important to him.

I think it's terrible you're giving him oral and not getting it back. You need to put a stop to that at a minimum.