DP has become selfish in bed. Does it mean he doesn't fancy me?

[selfishinbeddp]

Name changed for this.

Together 16 years. Have DC.

He's kind of gradually changed into being really selfish sexually.

I can't think of an accurate timeline as such cause it's a long relationship. Perhaps over the past 4/5 years maybe.

My appearance has changed in a way I can do nothing about. Don't want to be outing by saying what exactly, but it's a dermatology diagnosis. Otherwise I'm the same as when we met. An extra stone, but I'm still a healthy BMI and he's not exactly fit himself!

He is so selfish. He asks for oral very frequently but stopped giving any about 2/3 years ago. He initiates sex quite often though and will touch me in places during IF I take my clothes off eg if I take my bra off, almost like it's expected as I've taken it off iyswim. No foreplay, literally not even a minute, and I've asked and asked, it's always "next time" . If I don't orgasm (about 3/4 of the time), he will make no effort to finish me by touch afterwards unless I ask him.

We have arguments about this and he maintains he does want to. I say well why don't you then unless I ask! . He says it's cause I push him away and stop him touching certain areas of me cause of my body image issues (it's true I do relating to above medical prob, cause I'm not comfortable with it, but everywhere else I don't mind him touching and I've made that clear). Kissing is like a few seconds and not passionate like it used to be.

Sometimes he does compliment certain bits like my bum or boobs (thats it really).

He never used to be like this. For many years we had a good sex life.

I am on the verge of just saying to him I'll give you oral but that's it going forward, I'm sick of feeling rejected and wondering if it's because my medical condition puts him off.

Wwyd. I'd like opinions on if it sounds like he isn't as into me anymore or doesn't fancy me as much anymore, despite what he says.

@Anothernick No, the issue lies solely with him if he is so selfish that he doesn't care whether his wife orgasms or not. If your partner thinks that their pleasure is all that matters it is becasue they are a nasty peice of work, not because you lack confidence.

OP has also stated that it is one single part of her body (I'm assuming her head) that she doesn't want him to touch, not a 'list'. The world would be such a better place if people were able to simply say 'this man isn't a good man, leave' but people always feel it's the woman who should be altering her behaviour, communicating more, doing this doing that. Why should she have to do any of what you're suggesting? Why can't the answer ever simply be 'he is the issue'?

Read the OP's responses properly, she has been communicating with him constantly about how upset his gross behaviour is making her, not that she should have to. No woman should have to beg their partner to consider her pleasure equal to his.

I do think ittakes2 has a valid point. It seems like you don't feel worthy, like you don't deserve him. It's one thing on your hair, you're not covered in some terrible rash from top to toe! I've got a number of crowns (one of which, a bridge, has just bloody come off) do you think I feel any less for that? No way. I won't even think about leaving the one that's off off. It's a very similar thing too (mines at the front) People have all kinds of things they cover or enhance.

The problem here is you. You have no self esteem and are acting like are unworthy. That long winded advice I gave you earlier isn't just about getting or keeping a man - it's about YOU feeling good. I think you mentioned therapy? If you have been having it for more than a year or two you would be better off spending that money or time elsewhere. Some therapy can go on for years and years. Around and around examining every fucking thing and never reaching a conclusion. Others (CBT) can get to the heart of it and help in weeks or months. You shouldn't be paying someone just to talk to you. Use that money on a social hobby and make some friends instead. Good friends are worth a thousand therapies

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

Thank you for all the advice. Yes I think it's 'lizard brain'. Your posts are so funny, it's not a funny situation for me but you have a way with words .

@Arrivederla I don't know why I'm passive. I have my things I'm passionate about, and I'm not a pushover, but I'm quite passive in general. Could never take in the leader role in workplaces, and I wouldn't invite another mum for coffee or anything either.

I think it's a dynamic we've got into though. When we argue he sometimes says I'm "passive aggressive" and whilst I don't think he's right, I can see a hint of truth in it. I think he's "aggressive passive" if such a term exists, as in he makes a big loud deal of things when trying to get his own way but will usually back down so long as his veneer of authority isn't broken.

It's one thing on your hair, you're not covered in some terrible rash from top to toe!

Like a Psoriasis flare, you mean? Fortunately for both of us, we've both got it - my flares take out chunks of hair as well and he doesn't have much left anyhow

I think that 'at least you don't...' can set things up for people feeling even worse in the future.

In any case, having a regular thing to put on emollients, treatments, help with applying treatment shampoo/wash the hair and touch one another outside the idea of sex is a good thing for a relationship. Keeps you feeling more connected than when the only time you touch is for a brief bunkup once a month.

OP, how would you feel about asking him for something like that? 'I'd really like it if you could help wash my hair/put moisturiser on tonight'. You might enjoy the sensations, he might feel more relaxed about touching you and your (understandable) insecurities might be lessened by the two of you being intimate without actual sex being involved?

god, he sounds awful op. im surprised you fancy him at all.
id say 'nope, not interested- letme know if you want to talk about it' every single time. no foreplay yet he wants his bj?
pls dont put up with this...he knows exactly what hes doing and its not nice.

@MitziK I'm sorry you have to deal with psoriasis, I knew someone once who had to go on disability theirs was so bad. Thanks that's a great suggestion, I will try it. Even from the start of our relationship though he's not into massaging me or anything unless it leads to sex within 2 minutes. However massaging non or less sexual parts of my body might be a good way for me to get over my real difficulty asking for what I want.

I have figured out some of the reasons I feel unable to ask for what I want in the bedroom.

1. I lack self confidence due to my condition (didn't have it for the first 7 years of our relationship), and so I feel like if I ask for something sexual, it means (to me) that I'm assuming I'm attractive, which I don't feel.

2. Rejection. I have asked him so so many times (outside of sex) to touch me more, do more foreplay, kiss, but he never follows up on it. If I ask him during, he will, or I get my boobs out or something, but he rarely ever does it without my asking. So I fear the rejection.

3. I had some bad experiences before I met DP, so a long time ago but probably impact somewhat.

4. I remember my mum once confiding in me when I was a young teen, that she was worried my dad didn't fancy her anymore as she lost weight and couldn't put it back on. Maybe something to do with it.

@MitziK I knew as soon as I said that there would be someone with psoriasis or excema so apologies if I've offended you it wasn't my intention. The OP feels bad about her condition but actually it's not that bad was really all I was trying to say. Yours probably isn't that bad either.

Anyway OP it does sound like he's ones of those guys and always has been. I think the official term for it is 'a bit shit in bed'. I'd suggest stop talking and start getting your groove back. He will pay attention to that. Make him win you. Be busy. Unavailable. You need to get more power and be more direct.

And love of god stop asking him to please you. If he wanted to he would have years ago. It just hands him all of the power and that's not sexy. Just say, next time he asks "actually you're a bit rubbish in bed these days so I think that's a no from me". Go on, I dare you.😁

And then refuse to discuss it. Laugh and say "are You telling me you don't know what I mean?". Or if he strops just ignore him. Be cheerful. Breezy even. No doubt he will ask if this is forever etc and you can simply say "don't know. It could be if you carry on like that".

DONT cry, plead, ask, or discuss. No "I think we need to talk" or "I need to tell you how I feel". Because you've done that and where has it got you? Crap sex with a lazy man and you feeling about three inches high.

Your mum did it - don't make that mistake!

Why don't you mention in passing casually outside the bedroom...

"Let's not bother with sex anymore as you haven't bothered getting me to orgasm in so long I don't want it anymore"

Preferably as leaving the room so he can have a good think at just how lazy and selfish he has been for years!!!