DP has become selfish in bed. Does it mean he doesn't fancy me?

[selfishinbeddp]

Name changed for this.

Together 16 years. Have DC.

He's kind of gradually changed into being really selfish sexually.

I can't think of an accurate timeline as such cause it's a long relationship. Perhaps over the past 4/5 years maybe.

My appearance has changed in a way I can do nothing about. Don't want to be outing by saying what exactly, but it's a dermatology diagnosis. Otherwise I'm the same as when we met. An extra stone, but I'm still a healthy BMI and he's not exactly fit himself!

He is so selfish. He asks for oral very frequently but stopped giving any about 2/3 years ago. He initiates sex quite often though and will touch me in places during IF I take my clothes off eg if I take my bra off, almost like it's expected as I've taken it off iyswim. No foreplay, literally not even a minute, and I've asked and asked, it's always "next time" . If I don't orgasm (about 3/4 of the time), he will make no effort to finish me by touch afterwards unless I ask him.

We have arguments about this and he maintains he does want to. I say well why don't you then unless I ask! . He says it's cause I push him away and stop him touching certain areas of me cause of my body image issues (it's true I do relating to above medical prob, cause I'm not comfortable with it, but everywhere else I don't mind him touching and I've made that clear). Kissing is like a few seconds and not passionate like it used to be.

Sometimes he does compliment certain bits like my bum or boobs (thats it really).

He never used to be like this. For many years we had a good sex life.

I am on the verge of just saying to him I'll give you oral but that's it going forward, I'm sick of feeling rejected and wondering if it's because my medical condition puts him off.

Wwyd. I'd like opinions on if it sounds like he isn't as into me anymore or doesn't fancy me as much anymore, despite what he says.

It is normal and healthy to ask for what you need in a sexual relationship.

Yes he sounds like a lazy selfish sod, which would mean I personally wouldn’t want sex or a relationship with him at all.

But regardless of whether you stay with him or not you do need to work out why you feel so reluctant to assertively ask for what you want in the moment- not after or at another time. It doesn’t mean less because he’s doing it because you asked, it means you’re on equal footing and not just passively allowing sex to happen to you. Asking and then getting what you need sexually is not a bad thing. You wouldn’t go into a cafe and wonder why you’re not getting your tea and cake if you haven’t ordered it. Yes it’s lovely when someone orders it for you, but you can’t count on that happening all the time, or they might order you a scone thinking you’d enjoy it when you really want that indulgent chocolate cake.

It might feel weird and uncomfortable to begin with but it really is much better in the long run. And fgs don’t have sex you don’t want or enjoy, life is far too short.

I don't think it has anything to do with your appearance or if he fancies you at all.

He is just a selfish wanker; a taker and as long as you keep giving, he'll keep taking.

Notice it maks zero difference to him if you want to or are enthused about it. He gets off and that's all that matter.
I would be more offended as him using you as his personal wank sock.

He needs to be rejected! Being passive and nice to takers just gets you used.

Put a little doubt in his mind whether you're going to have sex or not. Be a bit of a challenge to him where he has to step up. Tell him what he needs to do or it's no for you.

Think in early days years ago, when he was trying to win you over.
You weren't a sure thing.

It sounds as if he can’t be bothered to make love with you (not to you!) properly.

Maybe suggest some oral only sessions? Penetration is nice but it is not the be all and end all every time.

I wouldn’t have sex with someone who would not give me oral, (l’ve been criticised on MN before for saying this) albeit someone new ( l have that conversation first) or someone who has been around long term. No oral, no entry! My body, my rules if it’s being shared.

Happy to give and enjoy giving, but it’s a 2 way thing.

Sounds like it's purely a lazy, selfish thing for him. He wants all the gratification and isn't bothered if you enjoy it or not and can't be arsed to put the effort in for you. I doubt it's to do with your condition, if he's selfish in other areas then that will also manifest its self into your sex life. If you think, he thinks, you'll never leave, then why would he.

If he won't talk to you, or go to counselling, or change his ways after you've talked to him then you're stuck, you either need to put up with it or change the way 'you' react to it. In your shoes I'd simply be very true to how you feel, if you don't want to give him oral because of how he's making you feel then don't, if he asks simply say 'no, I don't want to'. If you don't want to have sex at all then don't. It'll either force the issue and he'll try to talk to you, or it's a nail in the coffin of your relationship

He does enjoy it more if I'm enjoying it, for sure. He just doesn't care enough to make the effort to make it happen.

I'm not sure why I have a real problem asking for what I want now. I never used to. I suppose I have to first be completely secure that the person is attracted to me before I feel confident enough to ask for things. I'm not sure why that is.

I think I'll try to spell out to him just how hurt it's making me feel and how it's pushing me away from him. It's usually arguments or frustration or resentment I show.

I think he has the beginning of some ED. I think he finds it difficult on the odd occasion to stay hard. Most of the time he manages fine though. Even though he'd never admit to that. Maybe part of it is him feeling he has to rush it in case that happens.

I don't know.

I know it's been a very long time together, and effort needs to be made to keep the spark, but I refuse to make all the effort.

Yes he's selfish in other ways.

To be crude, it sounds like he wants to use your holes - you are being treated like a blow up doll that occasionally speaks.

I think you need to accept that there never will be a next time. Stop giving him blow jobs. He really doesn't deserve it. I wonder what he's like in the rest of your relationship.

I wouldn't have any sex with him at all like that.

Stop having sex unless he initiates it and if he isn't making an effort then stop. Turn over and go to sleep and if he asks tell him that you're not aroused.

Or the other way is to try dating each other. Think of stuff to do that is fun and brings you closer, that you can laugh together and increase intimacy. And then if things get steamy, tease him but don't touch him and see if he starts reciprocating.

He pretty much always initiates it, it's just crap because of no foreplay, little kissing or real interaction.

We have a few hobbies we do together and have fun.

I keep swinging between suppressing how I feel and getting on with things (it never seems as bad the next day but for a few hours after I could cry), or telling him outright that I'm stopping having sex no matter the damage to the relationship unless he opens up about why it has changed so much. If it was lack of attraction, he'd never admit it. He actually won't discuss it at all, other than to deny anything has changed. .

I miss when it was effortless.

I think that sadly your gut is right. He's gone off fancying you. As for wanting the 'natural' look fuck that. Don't listen. He wouldn't know the natural
look if it hit him over the head. Spend money on lasers if it helps, get good coverups and use them at home too (with a 'natural' makeup look' - go to Bobby brown or Charlotte tilbury if you need lessons) and although it can't be cured it can probably be alleviated/minimised so do.

Dont be a mummy martyr putting him and the children first on everything - this is important. Wearing clothing you hate, but the kids having brand new tech, having hair that doesn't look good because it feels like too much of a luxury but he's got a season ticket to football worth thousands, piling on weight because you never get time to go to a gym and have to eat what your husband and children all eat might feel like the virtuous thing to do but it often ends like this. And I'm not saying you do that OP just that it does happen!! So if any of it has happened change it!

You'll never please some men. They always want younger etc. People do get bored (women get sexually bored quicker than men). But if a man isn't a total prick a lot can be avoided. A lot of his selfishness will disappear when you take control and treat yourself with respect. And him as ever so slightly less important.

I'm not talking about doing the notice me/pick me dance - but making some effort for you and putting your needs first sometimes (eg you get to spend money on clothing. Or a flattering haircut/colour. You get yourself to where you know you look pretty damn good. For you.

And sorry to sound like a 70s agony aunt but you need to get your groove back. Your own hobby outside the house preferably that makes your eyes sparkle when you talk about it and involves meeting new people. Best if it (or they could be more than one!) inconveniences him in some way. Just to remind him you are a real person. Tiptoeing quietly around trying to fit in with everyone usually backfires. Nothing too sedate either. A little cool, a little edgy maybe. I'm sure he spends lots of money on himself and his hobbies.

Just ignore him a little and go out, looking great, to your hobby and to meet friends (you can still sit out) leaving him at home. No warning, don't ask tell. All the while being super cheerful. Don't rush back at 9. Or cancel because he whines. Be less available but happy. Which you will be because you'll feel happier through it will be uncomfortable at first.

And most importantly with all this is to bring him into your world (not your hobby!) but to have fun with him. The new you is there for him to hang out with (sctually just get out of the fucking house together) on your terms. Think of yourself as a train. You're moving. He hopes on board at the station and joins in or you've moved to the next thing! Next time you pull in he might be less complacent.

Believe it or not this is all good human psychology. Not stepford wife shit. Unless you are an interesting, fun person in your own right who he can't quite predict who expects to be treated with respect and won't hang around for disrespect he won't value you. You can be a fantastic mum and a loving wife too.

It's a really tough balance to get right. Talking and arguing us a complete waste of time. You ask twice mad and if he doesn't do it you make other arrangements.

Books I highly recommend
How to be your own best friend by dr Paul Hauck (old as fuck)
Get the guy by Matthew hussey - for single women but his psychology is flawless. He has a great YouTube channel and a ton of free ebooks. Don't let his hard core American spammy marketing put you off. He knows his stuff. And he will make you feel good.

Oh and please don't talk about it any more. Buy a vibratory and tell him you're not having sex until he makes an effort. He has to make it worth your while. Use those exact words. Off the cuff, throwaway, but mean it. Don't give in. He'll learn.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl that is brilliant advice for everyone actually. Everyone has to continue to value themselves and make sure they also prioritise themselves. Have fun, do their hobbies, be fun.

What is the rest if your relationship like? Do you still get on? You say he won't talk, but is he a listener? Does he pull his weight in the house/ with the kids? I think bad sex is often ( not always) a side effect of a bad relationship overall. By which I mean, perhaps dealing with other problems might help improve sex?

without the hassle and atmosphere of him moaning etc if he doesn't get anything
You know that him creating an atmosphere and being unpleasant if he doesn't get sex could be heading into sexually coercive and emotionally abusive behaviour?

Please don't give him oral sex to placate him while the rest of your sex life goes down the drain. It'll damage your already somewhat battered self esteem, and you deserve more out of your life and relationship.

Sex should be about mutual pleasure and fun.

Also, why would you not hold him to the same standards as your own? You don't want him to do anything that he doesn't enjoy, yet he'll happily sit back and let you service him? Honestly, doesn't it turn your stomach a bit?

I think if you continue down this road as you are, you're going to end up breaking up anyway.

@PatriciaPerch Whilst it technically is a skin condition it affects my hair to fall out. Frontal fibrosing alopecia. This is really hard for me in terms of appearance. I spend thousands a year on hair pieces and cover ups etc even though we can scarcely afford it. He says he prefers me without, the natural look, "there's nothing wrong with you" , but his face betrays him if I actually do go without. He's adamant it doesn't affect how he sees me and is still attracted, but he would say that as he wouldn't want the confrontation or hurt feelings of being completely honest. My gut tells me that it does lessen his attraction to me but only somewhat, not completely.

The more I think about it the more I think it doesn't have to become single reason, I think it's a combination of my appearance, time we've been together, and his selfishness.

I think I'll try to spell out to him just how hurt it's making me feel and how it's pushing me away from him.

You don't need to do this, he knows how hurt you are.

He is treating you awfully OP and your dermalogical condition is a red herring, at the end of the day he is being selfish because it suits him and he doesn't care how you feel. I'm really sorry if this sounds blunt but it is horrible reading about you being so disrespected and thinking that it is to do with your hair

@coronabeer He isn't a listener either really. He's ok with the DC and house, does about half.

Our relationship, well I suppose it's strange, because in some ways I am really unhappy for example he can be quite superior like he thinks he's always right, he can be selfish, and I have major issues with his parents regards interfering and even getting the DC to lie to me, he'll have it out with her, but never actually takes any action to resolve it properly, so I resent that.

On the other hand we mostly get on well, understand each other, mostly enjoy each others company and he is relatively affectionate and sometimes does nice thoughtful things, will take me out and makes effort on birthdays and Christmas.

@category12 I told him that, that it's actually abusive to get moody and huffy if he doesn't get sex. He doesn't see it that way, but I know it is and tell him as such. He says that he isn't because when I've had times I can't due to illness, he's been fine with it and understanding. Still, because I just don't want to should be reason enough. To play devils advocate though, it's been our dynamic for many years that I rarely say no unless I'm ill or really upset. Not because I'm afraid of the consequences or anything, just because i usually know I'll get into it during.

Recently has been terrible though, I'm so bored of the foreplay stopping and don't feel a connection during (like it's meant to be an expression of love, used to feel like that), and resent the oral when he's little interest in my pleasure.

From a man's perspective......

Stop worrying about whether he "fancies" you or not (whatever that means) - he still wants sex with you, it's just that the sex he wants is unsatisfactory and he is refusing to adapt himself to make it better for you.

I do think the fault lies mainly on his side but you come over as excessively conscious of your skin condition and giving him a list of places where you don't want to be touched does sound rather off-putting

I don't think you should take sex off the table, that will just raise the stakes, but next time he comes on to you tell him that you want some foreplay first and if he doesn't listen then push him away. If he asks for oral then, as another poster suggested, say he has to do you first. Make him live up to his promises to improve. If he doesn't then you will be in a stronger position to take things further in whatever way you think best. Don't.be inhibited in asking, a good sex life does not happen by magic it relies on communication, you have to talk about it just as you talk about other aspects of your relationship, kids, money, holidays etc etc.

[quote selfishinbeddp]@category12 I told him that, that it's actually abusive to get moody and huffy if he doesn't get sex. He doesn't see it that way, but I know it is and tell him as such. He says that he isn't because when I've had times I can't due to illness, he's been fine with it and understanding. Still, because I just don't want to should be reason enough. To play devils advocate though, it's been our dynamic for many years that I rarely say no unless I'm ill or really upset. Not because I'm afraid of the consequences or anything, just because i usually know I'll get into it during.

Recently has been terrible though, I'm so bored of the foreplay stopping and don't feel a connection during (like it's meant to be an expression of love, used to feel like that), and resent the oral when he's little interest in my pleasure.[/quote]
The thing is, he's asking you to engage in sex that has become unsatisfactory for you, not just unsatisfactory...it's actually upsetting you and leading you to feel unwanted and undesirable.
That is not what sex should be about.

I don't think this is about your condition. However do NOT take him at face value when he says he prefers natural. His rational brain does be because it knows it should but his lizard brain doesn't. But then when you have your hairpiece in his lizard brain forgets it's there too so it's not a problem.

Sounds like good old fashioned a bit spoilt as used to you being there, maybe some resentment about things you may or may not have done over the years combined with sacrifices he may or may not have made. Possibly somewhere in his tiny brain he feels hard done by because he's not wealthy living in a mansion shagging glamour models and thinks that if he hadn't met you he would have been.

I've had many a divorced man tell me about the compromises they have had to make over the years feeling very sorry for themselves that they couldn't just go and do what they wanted when they wanted. Quite how the fuck they think it's any better than (or even close to as bad as) what mums do I'll never know.

Dont be a sure thing. Get out and have a bit of fun. Let him realise other men might fancy you. Let him think you have parts to you he doesn't know and may not ever know. And don't be scared to be up front about sex. As in 'I'm not interested if it's just wham bam no foreplay and over in 5 minutes' he will probably sulk but he will have a grudging respect for you and you are demonstrating you have value.

Pleading with him to understand you, and to understand your pain is low value. Don't do it. No more heart to hearts. He knows how you feel and you are making it worse for yourself every time you do it and he ignore you

You sound very passive and at the same time very anxious in this relationship op. Why is it that you can't ask for what you want?

Honestly I think he's being lazy. He puts in zero effort and gets satisfied.

It's a very easy habit to slip into in a long term relationship.

I would tell him sex is off the cards unless he's going to put foreplay effort in because at the minute you feeling some sort of sex toy...

People don’t respect other people who don’t respect themselves. I am sorry I think your poor confidence has been knocked with your medical issues and you are not respecting yourself. You are being submissive and he is assuming a dominant role. Please work on your self confidence. If you do I think you will see you deserve better than what you have settled for.