He said he feels guilt for treating me badly. Should I stay?

[Helen278]

I met a man who recently split with ex who he had a toddler with. The ex wanted the split too because the relationship was unhealthy and they agreed to co parent. We have been dating 4 months, it's been good but as soon as we both felt this could be serious, he started to panic. He said he suddenly felt intense guilt for leaving family home but he had to as the relationship couldn't continue. He felt guilt for not being with dc everyday. He misses dc so much and can't stop thinking about dc. He breaks down in tears infront of me and can't settle. He keeps apologising to me, saying he's so sorry for feeling like this, when he should be making me happy. He says he has feelings for me, wants to be with me, he just needs some time to get over this separation anxiety with dc, he sees dc every weekend and 3 mornings a week. He says he needs me to help him get through and if I ever fall out of love with him, can I please still be a friend. He keeps saying he now feels guilt for how he's treating me. I don't know what to say? I really like him and he's a great Dad, the way he's begging me to be there for him makes me want to stay but then I worry am I being a mug? Opinions would be really helpful! Thanks

No matter how much he wants to believe it this man is not ready to be dating anyone right now. I'd walk away. First few months are meant to be fun not this draining.

How recent was the split?

Sounds like it’s too soon for him to jump into another relationship and he’s unsure of break up with ex or it’s just too soon.

He also sounds quite clingy, asking you to “be there” for him after only being together 4 months. This should be the time your having fun etc, not him crying and begging you to be there

He's not ready for a relationship with anyone.

He says he needs me to help him get through and if I ever fall out of love with him, can I please still be a friend.

You are not his counsellor. Don't let him use you as an emotional dumping ground.

My initial reaction is to tell you to walk away.

You say you worry that you are being a mug and my advice is to trust your gut.

This seems to be very full on for a brand new 4 month relationship. It is sad that he is struggling with being separated from his child, but this proves to me that he really needs to take time to work on his own life problems, before involving you in it.

@Helen278

He keeps saying he now feels guilt for how he's treating me.

This line. There is something here.. I'm suspicious that he hasn't moved past his last relationship as much as he says and that there is still a physical relationship going on with his ex partner.

I would advise you to listen to your gut, if you think he is taking you for a mug.. somewhere there is truth in that

Wow, needy, needy man packing all his baggage into an overflowing suitcase and asking you to carry it for him.

Do you really need this kind of burden and complication in a new relationship? What baggage of yours is he offering to carry? What would his response be if you asked him to?

He is asking an awful lot of you-not ok. You’re not his emotional prop, that’s what you’ll become. This has disaster written all over it-he’s not ready to date and will sap you dry of energy trying to support him. That’s not what a new relationship should be. Cut him loose and find someone who is where they need to be to have a relationship (or at least, one that will benefit you and not just him!) That’s not this bloke.

If he's feeling bad about the way he's treating you but continues to do it, he's a man who doesn't take responsibility for his own behaviour.

The healthy thing for him to do would be to tell you he's not in the emotional place to be able to treat you well, and end the relationship.

But he's not doing that. He's treating you poorly, and begging you to stay with him. It doesn't bode well.

I recognise this situation.

Yes, you are being a mug.

Get rid of him.

I think he's using you. He is trying to get you somewhere - I'm not sure where but there's a plan in here somewhere. If you're not sure then break up and tell him you would be very open to hearing from him again once he's sorted his feelings out and has something to give the relationship.

It would be interesting to speak to his ex too. Every weekend and three mornings a week is a lot of custody. Highly unusual. Does he want you to join forces in getting his children off his ex perhaps?

I would not trust this man one bit - and his 'perfection' in the early days is actually a red flag. Sorry but when your gut says no you listen. If he is mr wonderful he will sort his shit out and come back ready to actually be with you. But right now he sounds unhealthy.

I don't think he is a keeper OP

It sounds like he’s suffering delayed shock from the fallout resulting from his divorce. This does not bode well for your relationship. He’s relighted you to his carer and the beginning of a relationship should be the most exciting time.

Run away while you can retain some dignity

He's been open and honest about how he feels and says I don't deserve it. He can't believe how lucky he is to meet me etc. His friends all tell me they can't believe I've stuck around but tell me he's genuinely into me, just misses his dc and to hang on in there with him. Definitely agree it's delayed shock, he kept saying how he was so relived to be out the relationship at first then reality hit that he has to take dc back every time and he can't be there everyday.

I don't think he's having a physical relationship with ex, he's pretty honest and showed me texts where he was really low at one point while we were dating and he text her asking "Do you think we made the right decision to split " I was majorly angry at that. He apparently was confused but realises it's just his dc he misses. I've told him , if you want her , please go and I won't stop you etc. But he keeps saying it's not what he wants, he just needs to get through this slump.
Ugh I wish I didn't like him so much

Ugh I wish I didn't like him so much

This says it all. This says you wish it was easier to do what your gut is telling you to do.

It's not about whether he's still into his ex. It's about the fact that he's not treating you well because he's having a hard time, and he's pressuring you to support him. What will happen the next time he's struggling with something? And the next? You'll be a crutch.

You’re gonna get very very very hurt.

If he doesn’t go back to the ex then he’ll probably dump you for somebody else at some point. He’s not himself. He’s broken. You are his rebound, exit affair. You’d be best going no contact until he’s sorted himself out. Get back in touch in a year. I bet you don’t even recognise the guy he is then.

He can't believe how lucky he is to meet me

I bet he can't.

His friends all tell me they can't believe I've stuck around

Neither can I. OP he's not emotionally available for a relationship and he needs time to adjust. If he's in tears all the time then he's obviously not in a good place right now.

I'm going to do a Mystic Meg and you come back in six months and tell me if I'm right.

Ok. My crystal ball is telling me that he will use you to mop up his tears, give him lots of hugs and reassurance and help him to get to a better place. Once he's feeling better, he'll dump you.

My crystal ball is also telling me that you lack confidence in yourself and need to be needed. It's a bit foggy now, so that may not be right but I would reflect on what you're getting out of this as it sounds draining and joyless.

Hell no, if what he is saying is true then he needs to do some serious healing BY HIMSELF before he's ready to move on.

Imagine how he's going to react when the ex meets someone new...crying every day about a new man coming into his childs life and so on, crying about the loss of the family unit again...

@Eckhart

So true!
I dread every time he see's DC because he's a wreck after saying goodbye to DC. He keeps saying he was fine when he first left and doesn't know why he's feeling like this now. I don't feel pressured to be there for him but because I like him so much it's so hard not to keep seeing him.
He's definitely broken I've never seen a guy cry like this for their DC. I bet he's been crying because he's grieving the ex relationship. I told him that too, and he looked at me shocked because let's be honest, he probably didn't grieve it properly.

Very true User148

When his friend was with us, his friend kept trying to explain to me why DP is so sad, kept saying things like that - DP is worried ex will find a new man and DC will get to know another man

So he’s worried that DC will meet a new man if his ex starts dating but he is dating already???

What a hypocrite. I’d ditch him for that alone.

Don’t date him and don’t be his friend. This is up to him to sort out with the help of his family, a therapist and his existing friends.

All I can see for you is downsides. Being involved in any way will stop you from finding a happy healthy relationship and it sounds like that is what you want. He is putting what he wants ahead of that and using guilt and manipulation tactics. You deserve better

Some men can not be single even when it’s in everyone’s best interests that they should be.

It’s been 16 weeks ffs, of course his family and friends are telling you stick it out, they’re looking out for him, not you.

Walk away now, you aren’t his Mum/ counsellor/ emotional sick bucket.

Start as you mean to go on and this dysfunctional dynamic isn’t something you should be accepting.

Bloody true! He's allowed to date but it would be the end of the world if ex found a new man! According to him and his friend, it's different. He's scared if the man turned out to be a predator.
God the more I'm typing the more I'm seeing the light everyone!

What a lot of guilty guilt. Doesn't sound much fun.

Can you be bothered with this? I couldn't!