He said he feels guilt for treating me badly. Should I stay?

[Helen278]

I met a man who recently split with ex who he had a toddler with. The ex wanted the split too because the relationship was unhealthy and they agreed to co parent. We have been dating 4 months, it's been good but as soon as we both felt this could be serious, he started to panic. He said he suddenly felt intense guilt for leaving family home but he had to as the relationship couldn't continue. He felt guilt for not being with dc everyday. He misses dc so much and can't stop thinking about dc. He breaks down in tears infront of me and can't settle. He keeps apologising to me, saying he's so sorry for feeling like this, when he should be making me happy. He says he has feelings for me, wants to be with me, he just needs some time to get over this separation anxiety with dc, he sees dc every weekend and 3 mornings a week. He says he needs me to help him get through and if I ever fall out of love with him, can I please still be a friend. He keeps saying he now feels guilt for how he's treating me. I don't know what to say? I really like him and he's a great Dad, the way he's begging me to be there for him makes me want to stay but then I worry am I being a mug? Opinions would be really helpful! Thanks

He messaged his ex asking if they did the right thing spitting up? That doesn't sound like a man who has closed the door on that relationship.

Do you want to be with someone who isn't sure if they want to be with someone else? This isn't Co-parenting this is someone completely enmeshed.

The fact that he is sharing his messages with his ex with you isn't actually a good sign. It shows he has no boundaries or frankly respect for the mother of his child.

Honestly you deserve someone who is emotionally available, excited and happy to see you. Not this. This isn't it. He isn't the one for you. This man is a basket case and it isn't your job to keep/hold him together.

You should be being wined and dined and looked after.

Get rid of this man baby.

WOW op!!!! How many more red flags do you need???? Ffs woman, RUN!

He’s carrying a lot of baggage right now and is obviously not ready for a relationship. He also seems he possibly is still hung up on his ex. That’s worrisome. I’d move on.

@Helen278

Very true User148

When his friend was with us, his friend kept trying to explain to me why DP is so sad, kept saying things like that - DP is worried ex will find a new man and DC will get to know another man

Exactly! And imagine the pain that you will go through if you stay with him and have to deal with him then. You'll be worried and upset all the time thinking he's upset and jealous that there's another man with his ex..and that it's nothing to do with his child! or at least not as much as he says!

Op I hope you're not flattered by all this snivelling and *vulnerabilty". He's using you as a counsellor and that's not ok.

What did he really think would happen when he split up? I wonder if he was such a great dad when they were together? Which woman has he recruited to do free labour for him on his contact weekends? Men like this usually take the kid to their mothers all day.

I've been here. All of it, the being into you, friends saying how much he is and how good you are together, the guilt and confusion, missing his life and children.

At this early stage I can 100% promise you it will end in tears. Yours. And that bridge will be burned and when he's over you and his ex he will meet someone else. You are rebound woman.

I will never ever date someone fresh out of a relationship for this very reason. Especially with a young child. Firstly it's 50/50 whether he goes back and secondly he can not help treating you like shit at the moment.

Your only option is to call time gracefully but leave the door open. Keep dating and see if at any point he sorts himself out - let someone else be rebound woman.

I think I remember your other post

Walk away and give yourself space

Otherwise you will end up wasting time and still being in this position months or years later

Walk away and I can guarantee that you will meet someone else and wonder why you bothered with all this

Honestly it is way to much and you will never be a priority to him and it will get you down

Give your self some space and go no contact with him

It's all very well for him needing you but what are you actually getting out of it

He says he needs me to help him get through and if I ever fall out of love with him, can I please still be a friend

Fucking hell. End this shitshow and run a mile. And don't be his 'friend'. Ick.

I think he misses his child but he is still in love with his ex and whatever happened he feels guilt and there is no way he loves you in the way you expect. He is basically saying he wants to be friends if you break up, he is quite damaged and isn’t remotely ready to be involved in any health way with you. You are being used actually as he just feels he needs someone what he doesn’t realise he has to heal himself before he can truly be in a healthy loving place for you or anyone. Sorry but it’s Obvious to anyone reading what you write but when we are the ones in the situation we can’t always see it.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Yuck. Listen to @Eckhart

If you stay, ‘meeting the child’ will be the next stage at being a salve, and a replacement mother figure to do the emotional work of mothering. And you’ll just feel more and more petrified and obligated and stuck. All because ‘you liked him’.

4 months in should be fun, not this.

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It is wonderful to feel wanted, needed even. Love is about being wanted and needed for yourself - you, who you are - not as a generic feminine support service.

Also, if he needs you to get through this, he is outright telling you that he doesn't have sufficient emotional resources within himself to cope with life.

Do you really want to be with somebody who can't handle life?

Why are you wasting your life with this moaning martyr?

You've only been together for four months yet he is piling all his emotional needs and guilt burdens onto you. At this early stage of your relationship you should be having fun getting to know each other. None of this sounds like happiness; it sounds like misery.

He isn't ready for a new relationship, he's still committed to the old one, and he isn't emotionally available for you.

Get out now, don't waste another day of your life on him, he will only make you unhappy. Do not agree to be his friend at all, he will just use you to absorb his own misery, you will be his emotional punchbag.

Run as fast as you can, and don't look back!

You’re being a fool, sorry

No, you shouldn't stay.

You are the rebound woman.
There to dry his tears and warm his bed while he dumps everything on you. He'll either go back to his ex or move on to someone else.

Men do this so much. Some can't stand to be alone and reflect on what happened and take the time to grieve and heal. They immediately find another woman to bed.

I like him isn't enough of a reason to stay.

It’s not your job to fix him. Walk away.

Don’t be his emotional crutch, that is not how a new relationship is meant to be.

God, how exhausting.

At what stage in your life did you decide it was a good plan to be a the understudy to a bit-part actor in someone else's grand drama?

He left a emotional unhealthy relationship and is now with you and its an emotionally unhealthy relationship.

He needs to do the work, self soothe and heal. Pain is normal but he is using you to anesthetis that pain. The trouble is it isn't working.

The question is why are you putting up with so little? Did you have the role of carer or have over responsibility when growing up?

The reason he feels guilty is because he knows he is using you. He is telling you.

He needs counselling OP and that isn’t your job.
Sadly he is not ready for dating.
Don’t waste any more precious time.
It’s a shame because you like him so much but as others have said this early on you should both be having fun.
He is on the rebound and when he finally comes out of it he might decide he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
I suggest you gently tell him he needs time on his own and you wish him well but this just isn’t working for you. Be strong and block him.

He says he needs me to help him get through and if I ever fall out of love with him, can I please still be a friend

What a selfish thing to do putting you in this situation.

It's all about him, isn't it? If he thinks you deserve better then why is he trying so hard to get you to stay in this unhealthy relationship with him?

He needs a counselor to get him through. You need someone who is emotionally available to be your partner - like a Labrador or something. This guy’s just a whole world of pain.

Sorry OP. Emotional dumping ground. He will go back to his ex... When you've fallen in love with him. RUN