Fuming with his selfishness

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I've posted here before about having troubles in my marriage and how we are at that crossroads of having to decide whether to give it one last try or whether to call it a day. It's a horrible place to be and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Today however has been particularly hard and my husband, in my opinion, has been particularly selfish and I just want to vent really.

Last night I noticed the start of a headache. I took some paracetamol and went to bed. When I woke this morning it was worse so I took some more. It hadnt started to ease so I asked my husband, who is currently working from home and gets flexi leave, if he could take our youngest, age 6, to school so I could go back to bed as I realised by this stage it was the start of a migraine and told him so. He said no as he had a meeting. So I took her to school and then went back up to bed. All through the day he has been in and out of the bedroom asking where things are, what's in for lunch etc etc. Once again at pick up time I asked if he could get her but he said no. By this stage I'd taken my migraine medicine which hadn't worked and I was starting to feel sick.

When I got home my eldest, age 12, asked what's for dinner. I told him I didn't know as I felt too ill to think about it and went back upstairs to bed. All afternoon the kids have been in and out of my room asking stuff. In the end I gave up and went to put some dinner in the oven for them.

Whilst down there I ended up having to do this dishes as my husband moaned about how many there were. He then proceeded to moan about how miserable I've been today, how grumpy I look etc. I told him I've got a migraine and he said "I get on with it when I've got a headache, I don't mope around"

I'm currently up in bed, head pounding, room spinning with spots in front of my eyes and feeling sick. Even my jaw hurts as I clench it with pain. All I can hear is them shouting downstairs and the tv. I text down to ask them to be a bit quieter and they've actually turned the tv up.

I'm angry and upset. Most respectful partners would do whatever they could in this case but no. It's been dismissed as a headache. I usually do all the manual work at home as I only work part time outside the house and yet he is moaning about having to finish cooking the dinner, doing the evening dishes and getting DD (6 years old) bathed and in bed because he's been working all day and is tired and I've "just laid in bed" .

I need to be better for tomorrow as I have to work, I can't afford sick leave and don't want to let my team down. Even the thought of a shower right now is making me queasy.

To say I'm furious is an understatement.

Thank-you if you got this far, I was just having a moan and I might be able to rest now I've got this off my chest.

Leave. The fact that he turned the tv up when you asked them to be quiet shows just what he thinks of you.

@BumBurnerBum the fact he wouldn't keep out our room or keep the kids away from our room while I rest does too each time I think I might manage to sleep they keep yelling

I think you've got your answer about whether your marriage is worth saving or not. He really doesn't give a shit, does he?

I've had a headache that's been teetering on being a migraine since this morning. DH has been rallying round with painkillers and cups of tea and ran me a bath earlier. That's what you do when someone you care about is ill.

Leave. Imagine your child in a relationship with someone like that, what would you tell them to do?

@Tappering I feel so sick with it. Each time I think it might be easing it suddenly flares again. I'm so cross with his selfishness.

I hope you feel better soon

Awful my dp has no sympathy when I'm Ill either.. sometimes I think he thinks I'm Ill yo annoy him

Holy moly. I feel for you. I can't function at all when I've got a migraine and everything takes about 10 times longer than it normally does.

Perhaps this episode will help you make the decision about whether to stay with him or not. If he gave a shit about your marriage, he'd be at least trying to make an effort.

Fury and stress makes migraines worse. Do you have any family or friends close by with a spare room?

He's an arse and I'm not sure there's much worth saving, but that's a decision for another day.

Hope you feel better soon x

Migraine is awful.
His behaviour is disgusting. I hope you will divorce him. You may well find your migraines decrease once you do.

kick him out 🌺

Would you consider going to a friend's or a family members place to get a much needed night's sleep OP? X

@Eckhart I wish there was but they all have kids and the noise won't help. Plus I need my husband to drive me to work at 4am as I'm not on his insurance and don't have a car at the moment

You say you just want to vent and also that you are at a crossroads. I wonder if you are looking for validation regarding a potential decision?

He sounds awful and I can only imagine how frustrated, minimised and unimportant you must feel. It sounds like he is making your life harder not easier. At least if you were single you wouldn't be constantly disappointed or resentful because your husband isn't even meeting you half way.

Tell him to get the fuck out

Is he always like this when you are ill? as a fellow migraine sufferer I know how infuriating it is when people compare them to a headache!

He is selfish .
But on the flip side - you have to just get on with it even when you’re ill when you’re a single parent . No one there to help even when you feel dreadful .

@evrey I'm rarely ill enough to the extent I can't function. It has to be pretty bad to be at that scale. But he's never had a migraine and just calls them a bad headache and isn't usually sympathetic when I have one. Probably 3 maybe 4 a year at most

There's one thing having a useless partner and there's another having a spiteful one.

You have a spiteful one.

I think you know what way you need to take.

A grown arse man asking his sick in bed wife "what's for lunch?"

I'd divorce him for that alone.

He's clearly done everything today on purpose. The coming in and out of the bedroom, letting kids disturb you etc. You are not allowed to be ill.

@Nanny0gg you are right but I'm not strong enough for it at the moment. I do wonder sometimes if I ever will be

Poor you. I have migraines and I just don’t function until the next day after and after a big sleep. So I applaud you for preparing food and taking kids to school in that state. I guess- when you don’t have a choice, you just have to get on with it. But the thing is, your arsehole husband should just pull his weight and help you and nurse you. What a monumental prick. Asking what’s for fucking lunch?!?! When you’re in bed sick?
Just imagine- how nice, simple and cosy life could be without him weighing you down. He showed what he’s made of, really poor excuse of a man.

How the hell are you managing to type all this with a migraine that you describe?

@Wearywithteens

Your husband is an arsehole and you know it. Passively doing all those things today means you are just compensating for him and enabling his shitty behaviour.

Agree with this to a certain extent.

If you’ve been washing up and cooking then it’s not surprising he doesn’t realise how bad your migraine is, as he probably wouldn’t lift a finger in that case. Being stoical and soldiering on doesn’t make your point, it undermines it, as will getting up at 4am for work if you still feel like shit.

This is a rare occurrence and as such, if you need to take a sick day, do it. Start taking care of yourself as he’s clearly not going to do it.

The bonus of divorcing him is that you’ll hopefully get at least one night a week to yourself where you can take it easy and he has to cook and wash up, and you know, actually be a parent.

I can say from experience that it’s easier being a single parent than living with a spouse who thinks that they’ve done their bit by going to work and that your job is ‘everything else’ including your work!

He’s selfish and inconsiderate and I’d be telling him that tonight he either fucks off and leaves you in peace to rest or you’ll be checking into a travel lodge for the next couple of nights to recover. You can get a room for £30 a night, so while it’s an expense at a time when you can’t really afford it, see it as an investment in the ongoing process of your divorce.