Fuming with his selfishness

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I've posted here before about having troubles in my marriage and how we are at that crossroads of having to decide whether to give it one last try or whether to call it a day. It's a horrible place to be and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Today however has been particularly hard and my husband, in my opinion, has been particularly selfish and I just want to vent really.

Last night I noticed the start of a headache. I took some paracetamol and went to bed. When I woke this morning it was worse so I took some more. It hadnt started to ease so I asked my husband, who is currently working from home and gets flexi leave, if he could take our youngest, age 6, to school so I could go back to bed as I realised by this stage it was the start of a migraine and told him so. He said no as he had a meeting. So I took her to school and then went back up to bed. All through the day he has been in and out of the bedroom asking where things are, what's in for lunch etc etc. Once again at pick up time I asked if he could get her but he said no. By this stage I'd taken my migraine medicine which hadn't worked and I was starting to feel sick.

When I got home my eldest, age 12, asked what's for dinner. I told him I didn't know as I felt too ill to think about it and went back upstairs to bed. All afternoon the kids have been in and out of my room asking stuff. In the end I gave up and went to put some dinner in the oven for them.

Whilst down there I ended up having to do this dishes as my husband moaned about how many there were. He then proceeded to moan about how miserable I've been today, how grumpy I look etc. I told him I've got a migraine and he said "I get on with it when I've got a headache, I don't mope around"

I'm currently up in bed, head pounding, room spinning with spots in front of my eyes and feeling sick. Even my jaw hurts as I clench it with pain. All I can hear is them shouting downstairs and the tv. I text down to ask them to be a bit quieter and they've actually turned the tv up.

I'm angry and upset. Most respectful partners would do whatever they could in this case but no. It's been dismissed as a headache. I usually do all the manual work at home as I only work part time outside the house and yet he is moaning about having to finish cooking the dinner, doing the evening dishes and getting DD (6 years old) bathed and in bed because he's been working all day and is tired and I've "just laid in bed" .

I need to be better for tomorrow as I have to work, I can't afford sick leave and don't want to let my team down. Even the thought of a shower right now is making me queasy.

To say I'm furious is an understatement.

Thank-you if you got this far, I was just having a moan and I might be able to rest now I've got this off my chest.

@Allgreyeverything I imagine if I had refused to do it then he would have done. But the fall out and moaning that came from it would have been worse than me doing it if you see what I mean. I still can't sleep now because of the bloody tv downstairs. But I now have my 6 year old up here giving me a cuddle which is lovely and she keeps smoothing my head to try and make it better bless her

Yes. Taxi to a Travelodge, a good sleep and your meds, taxi to work tomorrow or day off sick. You can't just keep going as if you're ok, OP. Something's gotta give, and it doesn't sound like it's going to be your husband.

But on the flip side - you have to just get on with it even when you’re ill when you’re a single parent . No one there to help even when you feel dreadful.

So what? The op isn’t a single parent. Her “DH” was there.

Why did you have children with this loser?

Has he always been useless?

It’s not going to get any better is it? He’s not going to change. He has no empathy. You are white goods, not a person to him. I get migraines and get very sick. I can’t even function. I have to go to bed in silence in the dark and they can last for 2-3 days. DH takes care of everything and leaves me to recoup. That’s what people do when they care. You need to get the car business sorted so you are not dependent on him. Your independence is your power. You know you need to leave grim OP. You’ll probably find your migraines will improve. How much longer are you going to give it?

@BewilderedDoughnut Stop victim blaming. I bet the OP wouldn't have had kids with this man if she knew he was going to turn into such a selfish dick.

Abuse often starts when a woman gets married or gets pregnant. Do us all a favour and read up on the subject.

*leave him. Although grim is rather appropriate!

@BewilderedDoughnut

Why did you have children with this loser?

Has he always been useless?

Why do people ask this question on here so often? It's not helpful or useful at all. People don't intentionally get into relationships with shitty people. People change, their true colours appear and sometimes this doesn't happen until the kids arrive.

It makes you look like an arsehole tbh.

@Pleasebeafleabite I've had to function all fucking day due to the selfishness of my husband, so the fact I'm typing with a migraine is irrelevant really. Surely seeking help and advice in a shitty situation is what matters

@Cloverforever Thankyou. We were young when we got together and had our first child young too (unplanned). You are right in the fact that things changed when the babies came along. Though to be fair I've enabled this behaviour as I've put up and shut up for 16 years now which doesn't help the situation

If you don’t leave you need to invest in an eye mask, ear plugs, a lock for your bedroom door and let them order a takeaway.

I'm currently up in bed, head pounding, room spinning with spots in front of my eyes and feeling sick

Over 2,000 words in this state? I commend you.

He is useless OP, but you know this.

You have put up with him for 16 years but please do not waste another 16 years of your life on this man. Not only is he a drain on your life but what kind of example is he setting your DC’s?

You are worth much more than this. Make plans to leave him unless he will commit to couples counselling IF you think there is anything worth trying to save.

I hope you soon recover from your migraine but without trying to be flippant your biggest headache is your husband.

@Pleasebeafleabite

I'm currently up in bed, head pounding, room spinning with spots in front of my eyes and feeling sick

Over 2,000 words in this state? I commend you.

The OP has also had to do two school runs in this state, so your point is? She is effectively a single parent because of the useless lump doing fuck all parenting. Would you say the same thing to an actual single parent?

What I find is best to do when I have a migraine, spots before my eyes, room spinning etc. is write an essay out on a tiny, blue-light screen.

@Pleasebeafleabite

How the hell are you managing to type all this with a migraine that you describe?

You do know this isn't AIBU, don't you?

When you feel well enough write down what has happened today, his actions, what he said etc. Then if anything similar happens take a note of that too. When you are ready read what you have recorded and make a decision about whether to continue in this marriage.

For now close your eyes and try to rest.

Have you got Spotify? There are some migraine playlists on there which I find helpful. It’s not a Mira me cute, it’s just soothing and helps me sleep when my head is pounding. I also find eating a massive dose of carbs helps. You’ve probably tried it all before but worth mentioning.

I hope you feel better soon. Migraines are just awful.

• miracle cure

My partner and I are going through a difficult patch too. I had a migraine on Saturday night. He dealt with bedtime (they're my children, not his), made sure I had water and painkillers and then slept downstairs with the baby (ours) so I could get uninterrupted sleep.

If it had been the case that he had to work and couldn't stay to take care of the children, he would have called someone we trust to look after them instead.

A migraine is not something you can control and not something you should have to try to battle through. I'm so sorry you had to do that today. Your 6 y/o sounds lovely to be trying to look after you now. I hope you feel better soon.

OP I am single as fuck, I have no partner to support or help me... you're married and no better off. It shouldn't be like this! The whole point of being a team is so you can be there for each other and make each other's lives easier is it not? What a loser. You deserve better.

Op I'm a single parent who has migraines that last for a few days and the first 8 hours Is vomiting every 20 mins or so. I'm not trying to compete on migraines, my point is that luckily I'm single so I don't have to worry about a twatty husband. He's a spiteful tosser and you deserve better.

I think I would have had a spade out and halfway through the patio at the point he asked what was for lunch...

In what way don't you feel strong enough OP is the upheaval, finances or just generally emotionally drained?

Do you think anything could be resolved with counselling or are you past the point of no return?

What a cunt OP. I've been on here 2.5 years and never described anyone as that before. You really have to leave. I'd pick up the kids of a friend who had a migraine or even someone I knew vaguely let alone my own partner.

And it sounds like your kids are copying his disrespectful behaviour towards you