Fuming with his selfishness

[NNN20]

I've posted here before about having troubles in my marriage and how we are at that crossroads of having to decide whether to give it one last try or whether to call it a day. It's a horrible place to be and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Today however has been particularly hard and my husband, in my opinion, has been particularly selfish and I just want to vent really.

Last night I noticed the start of a headache. I took some paracetamol and went to bed. When I woke this morning it was worse so I took some more. It hadnt started to ease so I asked my husband, who is currently working from home and gets flexi leave, if he could take our youngest, age 6, to school so I could go back to bed as I realised by this stage it was the start of a migraine and told him so. He said no as he had a meeting. So I took her to school and then went back up to bed. All through the day he has been in and out of the bedroom asking where things are, what's in for lunch etc etc. Once again at pick up time I asked if he could get her but he said no. By this stage I'd taken my migraine medicine which hadn't worked and I was starting to feel sick.

When I got home my eldest, age 12, asked what's for dinner. I told him I didn't know as I felt too ill to think about it and went back upstairs to bed. All afternoon the kids have been in and out of my room asking stuff. In the end I gave up and went to put some dinner in the oven for them.

Whilst down there I ended up having to do this dishes as my husband moaned about how many there were. He then proceeded to moan about how miserable I've been today, how grumpy I look etc. I told him I've got a migraine and he said "I get on with it when I've got a headache, I don't mope around"

I'm currently up in bed, head pounding, room spinning with spots in front of my eyes and feeling sick. Even my jaw hurts as I clench it with pain. All I can hear is them shouting downstairs and the tv. I text down to ask them to be a bit quieter and they've actually turned the tv up.

I'm angry and upset. Most respectful partners would do whatever they could in this case but no. It's been dismissed as a headache. I usually do all the manual work at home as I only work part time outside the house and yet he is moaning about having to finish cooking the dinner, doing the evening dishes and getting DD (6 years old) bathed and in bed because he's been working all day and is tired and I've "just laid in bed" .

I need to be better for tomorrow as I have to work, I can't afford sick leave and don't want to let my team down. Even the thought of a shower right now is making me queasy.

To say I'm furious is an understatement.

Thank-you if you got this far, I was just having a moan and I might be able to rest now I've got this off my chest.

Does your bedroom door not have a lock?

What a prick. An ex was like this with me. Not empathetic at all when I got ill. If I asked for some toast I was told wait while he played with his daughter. Hour later I would have to drag myself up to make it myself. Things like that happened all the time. It made me realize that he would never be there for me if something really bad happened and I was incapacitated- i would still have to fend for myself. I knew I could never be happy with him.

Well get off this bloody screen if you have a migraine

@Thesuzle

Well get off this bloody screen if you have a migraine

I've had to function all fucking day due to the selfishness of my husband, so the fact I'm typing with a migraine is irrelevant really. Surely seeking help and advice in a shitty situation is what matters

Try reading what the op has written

Oh god this is awful, you poor thing

Here's a little insight in to how I feel a supportive husband acts - last month I hurt my back bad. Was written off work for a week. My husband works a very physically demanding job. 12 hour days. He is desperately tired at the time from it.

So, I hurt my back. He texts me during the day to check in and see how I am. I know that if I said to him "can you come home?" He would without a doubt come home, despite it being a massive fuck up for his work team. But he would. Also, his team (all men) would ultimately support him because they are all family orientated as well. All good men. It would disrupt work, but family first is their motto.

When my husband came home from work (exhausted) each day, he would ask me what can I do for you? Can I make you a cuppa? Etc.

I feel bad for "doing nothing" all day (house is a tip) and he tells me don't be silly, you need to be on bed rest. Don't you dare feel like you have to do anything!

Bed time- for about a week straight he has to get up with me in the middle of the night to help me with my back spasms. All very stressful, and we are both sleep deprived.

I could go on, but you get the picture.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings by being all "look how great my husband is". I'm simply trying to show you how a partnership is meant to work. We help each other out when the other person needs that extra little bit of attention for whatever reason. It goes both ways. I help him when he's sick and he helps me when I'm sick.

I hope you're feeling better this morning, @NNN20

Personally if it were me I would have packed a bag and checked into a hotel for the night And left him to it then dealt with the fall out later today.

Do you live in my house??? I have the same story! He is absolutely selfish and should not treat you like this. What an inconsiderate idiot. I'm like you, it's takes a lot to knock me out, and I'll soldier on if I can, because I know nobody fing else is going to get things done!
To quickly tell my partial story, my brother has severe epilepsy and has just come out of hospital for the millionth time. He's very weak and can't manage to take his shopping delivery in the house himself, so I go over to his and help him. Anyway, did this last night (after being at work all day, looking after kids etc) and it ended up taking two hours by the time the delivery came and I'd helped him with other stuff. Finally got home at 10pm, DH is lying half asleep on the sofa watching old football videos, kids immediately tell me they're hungry, they haven't had a bath, all the washing is still in the machine, washing up not done, and even beds not made. He is having a hard time with his job at the moment, and is constantly telling me how anxious and upset he is about it, but he just mopes about while I have to get on with things. I had maybe 15 minutes of a sit down with the kids all day yesterday. Then this morning he wakes me up at 6am for me to read an email he wants to send to his boss, so I have to get up out of the dark and go and look at a bright screen, and immediately come up with comments and recommendations about this email. Never mind all the help I have to give him with attaching files etc. Then when I go back upstairs to try and get a bit more rest before I have to get up, he huffs and puffs about me not listening and this email being really important, he's stressed, he's upset etc etc...
Then when I am up and rushing to get the kids and myself out the door on time, he accidentally knocks his laptop on the floor, is totally confused (and stressed again) why it won't come back on, so I go and plug the cable back in, fixed. Ffs. Anyway, there's a lot more to tell, but I'd be here all day. I too have to text down to my son on a night to tell dad to turn the telly down so I can get my youngest to sleep. Every fing night. Anyway, sorry you're dealing with this too. It is absolutely shit. I have had enough, but I pretend I'm ok, while raging on the inside x

@Eckhart a bit better Thankyou. I didn't go to work as I was sick in the end but now it's easing a bit and just like a really bad headache

@Pleasebeafleabite

How the hell are you managing to type all this with a migraine that you describe?

I was wondering exactly this.

When I get migraines there's no way I'd be using my phone to text downstairs to tell them to turn the volume down because it kills me to look at the brightness of a screen, and the visual disturbances mean I can't see the device anyway!

Honestly, I always get a bit dubious about the severity of a migraine when I see someone using their phone when they've supposedly got one.

Once you're feeling better, can you prepare for next time? Pull together a list of what would make it easier for you when you have a migraine, and talk it through with your partner? Explain to him how it makes you feel when he dismisses your requirements? It might not help, it depends on how much of an arse he is, but it might be easier to say 'USE THE LIST' rather than getting out of bed to do his washing up for him.

If you think this isn't a way forward, you need to leave him.

Those who have said 'you shouldn't be typing/using a screen when you have a migraine' have never had one of your migraines, clearly. Sometimes I can't go into the office when I've got one; I can deal with the computer screens and the noise, but I can't handle people's perfumes! Migraines are so nuanced. I used to think they were just headaches until I started getting them. It's been an education.

@Eckhart exactly. I had to function all day with the migraine and I wasn't getting any rest anyway so venting through here helped. As soon as it hit its peak (about 10pm after I finished posting) I had to wear an eye mask as any light hurt.

Even having the curtains open today hurts my eyes a bit as the sun is bright but at least the sickness and spots have gone

How the hell are you managing to type all this with a migraine that you describe?

Righteous anger can be very motivating.

@NNN20 PP's are right, he's a wanker. Turning the noise up when you'd ask for it to be quietened down is really nasty.

So, do you have any thoughts as to a plan?

Leave if I have a migraine my dh makes sure I rest or with gyne pains. This is shocking and very selfish.

No plans on what to do next.

Whichever choice I make isn't good as there will be upheaval regardless

A headache is not a migraine, and I wouldn't be surprised he knows this and is pretending not to know it so he can frame you as the bad one. Even before I developed migraines and rarely even had headaches, I heard the stories of people who did experience them and sympathised with them so much. Now I'm one of the sufferers.

Not only is he an unsympathetic partner, he also lets you do more of the parenting even when you are sick.

What's important to think about that migraines are thought to occur because of a serotonin imbalance. Even neurologists disagree about what exactly goes on, but one of the things that will affect your neurochemical balance is stress, including emotional a distress such as anguish, depression, anxiety and anger. Your unhappiness and your marriage to him might actually be making you ill or giving you worse migraines.

There will be upheavel. But honestly your life will be easier without him. It may not seem so, but given how he behaves it is true.

He is adding to your mental and physical burden. You'll be amazed how much better your life, and that of your DC will be if he is gone He may step up and be a decent parent on his own, though I wouldn't hold my breath. But you'll all be happier, a nd your DC won't observe the terrible relationship dynamic, and his lack of respect for you.

Also, not sure what kind of medication you are on, but if you are taking triptans, ask for Zomig or another nasal spray. It needs to be taken earlier on in the migraine to work, but around 25% of it is absorbed through your nose with the rest taking up to 1-2 hrs to really obliterate it (triptans can be quite slow unless you inject them). Another thing to try when you feel one coming on is peppermint oil. The vary in strengths. I use Ellia brand peppermint oil by Homedics, but they can even vary from year to year depending on the harvest. Some are VERY strong and minty, which you have to be careful with. I don't necessarily advise that you do this because it is a risk, but what I do is mix around 5 drops into a teaspoon of oil (like olive oil) and apply it all over the back of my neck (where the migraines nerve signals are coming from). I used to have a milder peppermint oil oil which I used to be able to use neat straight onto the skin, but I can't do that with my new bottle as there's probably quite a lot of menthol in it. Be very careful when applying it to your temples or forehead as even the evaporation from the heat of your skin can irritate your eyes. Again, using essential oils neat or high concentrations is risky and not wise in the long run as you can developed sensitivity to it, but it's recused me many times. Peppermint is quite complex and amazing in the way it works on the nerves and muscles, but it's great if you feel any kind of pounding. For your nausea, try triple strength peppermint tea and very slowly sip a tablespoon at a time.

I would go book in a hotel to get some peace.... before you go just say “I’m going be back in 24 hours” phone a relative so they know your ok and what you’ve done and why... take medication with you eye mask and try to sleep it off .... and don’t look back or feel guilty for one second

@Pleasebeafleabite

How the hell are you managing to type all this with a migraine that you describe?

It just depends on the migraine and the sufferer. Normally I don't want to do anything if I can avoid it during a migraine, but sometimes someone might be so miserable and in need of comfort or solace that they can manage to go online. Doesn't mean they should though as the blue light isn't good for migraine sufferers. Some people have floaters which disrupt their vision and means they can see properly, others, like me, don't have floaters or anything obscuring my vision at all.

I'm so angry for you. He did fuck all to help you. Nothing. Then did passive aggressive stuff to annoy you.

I'm not sure what your situation is but your DC are school age and your life would be a lot more peaceful away from him.Staying with him, the misery just continues on and on never ending. Divorcing him, a period of turmoil and then peace.

@WakingUp55643 the selfishness of the whiny man child. The next time he wakes you up early like that, tell him to fuck off.

These types need to be told to fuck off.

True about the migraines. It depends on the type.

The ones with the squiggly lines are the worst for me.
Dark room, eyes closed and lying still as can be to try to not be nauseated or vertigo.

Ones without the lines, dark room and eyes closed for awhile and if I turn the screen brightness way down, I can surf the net some to pass the time.

I hope you are feeling a little better op.

3 years ago around Christmas time, my husband and youngest dc had both had a really horrible flu-like virus. I looked after them both, made sure they were ok, etc, etc.

A few days later, I cam down with it. I was in bed one day (very unlike me so anyone who knows me would know how crap I felt) and not once did my husband come and check on me, ask me if I needed anything, etc. I was heartbroken.

A few days later I discovered he was having an affair. He had clearly checked out of me and our marriage but he actions (or lack of) that day, for me was harder to come to terms with than the affair. How can you care so little about someone you said you loved and had built a life and family with for 20 years? I'd expect more care than that from a colleague, let alone a husband.

I'm not saying your husband is having an affair, just that I know how horrible it is and that maybe he has checked out of your marriage too.

No advice about the husband but topramax sorted out my migraines for me - your neurologist can prescribe them (not the gp as specialist meds)
I went from 2/3 a month to maybe 6 since 2015