Instagram red flags with new guy - pervy accounts & conspiracy theories

[Chocaholic9]

I've been seeing a new man, met via OLD. He seems very nice, we live about 30 miles apart and have seen each other maybe once or twice a week for the last 5 weeks. We're both looking for a serious relationship.

Anyway he messaged me on Instagram with a link to an account that I might like to follow (a mutual interest) out of curiosity to find out what else he was interested in, I went through who he follows.

I was dismayed to find one of them was a prominent conspiracy theorist who believes the royal family are shape shifting aliens.

There were also several accounts which were a bit shady in terms of women in really tight fitting clothes doing yoga poses which were all about showing off their crotch. When I clicked through on the bio, they led to "only fans" accounts. Another one was a sexy lingerie account. No total nudity but still a sexual account.

I am very sensitive about this because I dated a porn addict for a few months and it was a nightmare. I don't think this guy is a porn addict because he doesn't have erectile dysfunction and he clearly finds me very sexy and enjoys sex with me.

I want a man who doesn't follow such accounts. It was only about 5 of them that he follows but the conspiracy theory thing combined with these accounts has put me off him. To give more context, I am a second wave feminist who dislikes porn and any kind of sex work.

I also find it a bit immature & careless that he would publicly follow such accounts using his business account (he has a creative arts business.)

I'm not sure whether to let him know (when it comes up later) that porn is a dealbreaker for me.

Or just bail now.

What would you do?

If I hadn't been through his Instagram to see who he follows I wouldn't have known any of this about him.

He did say something last week about how he wondered if the covid numbers are made up and not as high as people think, which struck me.

I wouldn't want a man who follows those sorts of accounts but as pps said it's possible he just follows people who follow him. I signed up to instagram a few weeks ago and have been amazed by how many people want to follow me - including young, scantily clad women - and I'm just a boring middle aged woman! So I wouldn't necessarily have a conversation yet but would try to get a feel for his attitudes towards women and porn.

a prominent conspiracy theorist who believes the royal family are shape shifting aliens.

In fairness, I think they are from Earth in another dimension, which is obviously much more reasonable.

A lot of people who follow David Icke don't actually believe the lizard people shit but just like him for the anti-Semitism.

I suspect he could be a bit of a sleaze but I need to find out, how much of a sleaze.

You already know that- top 1% of creepy weirdos. He's just not letting it out yet because it's 5 weeks in and he's getting regular sex.

Not all porn addicts can't deliver in bed. The vast majority of men (lo, I have arrived :-) don't follow only-fans girls and the ones who do are invariably unable to see women as real people and prefer the hypersexualised fantasy.

I've had mates like this but after some time I could no longer bear to be around them. I can't comprehend why you are justifying this guy. You won't trick him into showing he's a creep, he'll have an answer for all of it, but 6-12 months down the line you will bitterly regret knowing him.

You will find a horny fucker who is also a decent human being.

My problem is I want an enthusiastic lover who likes my body (which he does.) I've met men with no interest in porn and not a sleazy side to them at all but I've also had lacklustre sexual relationships with all of those men. I don't want a total sleaze but I do want an enthusiastic lover. I need to work out what he is.

Non-sleazy men who love and fancy their partners and are as you want in bed do exist. Hold out for one.

So he has 5-7 "dodgy" (according to you) accounts out of about 700. These supposedly dodgy accounts have women in yoga poses wearing tight yoga gear... The pervert... You don't even know if he is aware he follows them.

Tell him that you have been pouring over his account and have issues with him possibly looking at underclothed women in yoga poses. Then he can decide whether he thinks you're a controlling loon and run or whether he will happily cede control of his SM and everything he looks at and thinks of to you.

Sounds like he's a Qanon nutter who is also a creep. Run run run run run. Now.

@Helloguvnor

Good luck finding anyone to be in a long term relationship with if your willing to end an otherwise happy relationship over a couple of Instagram accounts!

This is the type of thinking and ‘threats ‘ that keep women in shitty relationships and accepting shitting behaviours from men . Why doesn’t it never occur to people who write such things that many women are more than happy to have self respect and be single rather than settle for someone who thinks public ally judging and rating women’s bodies online is a good use of his time . Or other such behaviour Perhaps if more women started expecting a little bit higher standards and character men might think twice about the way they treat women . Like everything in life , we get the respect we demand and we effectively teach others how we expect to be treated

He did say something last week about how he wondered if the covid numbers are made up and not as high as people think, which struck me.

That would be enough for me. Ugh, imagine a few years down the line waking up next to that. Yoga crotches would also skeeve me out.

Forget the sex and sleaze potential, the conspiracy shit is the real problem here. Do you want a relationship with a man who believes anti semitic bullshit and will likely try to recruit you to the cult? Cos that's what is going to happen. Read up on conspiracies. It's a fucking tumour across the world right now. I hate every Icke and their acolytes so much. Fuck them all and don't you get stuck with that shit. Nobody is that good a fuck.

@Manxiety

It might take some time op but you could go to a post from one of the dodgy accounts he follows and look at who's Liked it. If he has gone that far then 🚩🚩🚩

TBH, I would imagine a lot of guys perve over women in some way so at least you've clocked this. I'd just say, "I see you follow some interesting Insta pages DP, what's that about?" and see how he responds. He has sent you his account; any new partner would look at it.

I looked through the dodgy accounts and couldn't see any likes from him but only looked through recent stuff. This is going to make me like a stalker but I also signed up for something that sends me a report of likes over time retrospectively from someone's IG account. If he's liked anything from these accounts in that time period I signed up for, he's getting dumped because that's a man who's actively engaging with sex workers on Instagram who are showing off their crotch in yoga poses.

If he hasn't liked anything or engaged in any way, then it's more likely those accounts have dropped out of his algorithm and he doesn't see them and may have followed them a while back.

I do lots of social media stuff for my job so I know it works that way.

The conspiracy theory stuff I'm less concerned about mainly because my last guy was a slight conspiracy theorist along similar lines but never went nuts with it. It didn't affect our relationship.

I'm also going to try to find out whether he looks at porn in a relationship and his views towards women.

He's on thin ice but I need a bit more info before I throw this one back.

@SleepingStandingUp

I'm sending op is hesitant to give up the good sex

To be fair, the sex wasn't that amazing.

@user1481840227 - it's quite a big exaggeration. I made a sizeable donation towards a campaign to get a strip club shut down for a particular reason to do with its location. I do voluntary work for an organisation that lobbies for the nordic model but I'm not a big part of it.

I agree I shouldn't get carried away. It's probably enough to just say I don't like porn and it's a dealbreaker for me in relationships.

So you're cool with a conspiracy nutter being your partner? You're happy to parade this man on your arm? In front of your closest friends and family? He's a nutjob and so was your last partner. Set your sights much higher, please.

@PurpleTrilby

So you're cool with a conspiracy nutter being your partner? You're happy to parade this man on your arm? In front of your closest friends and family? He's a nutjob and so was your last partner. Set your sights much higher, please.

There's a spectrum of nuttiness.

He told me he hasn't delved into it too deeply, but he said the extent of it is, he believes Jeffrey Epstein didn't commit suicide, that the royal family is protecting Prince Andrew, and there's a bunch of powerful individuals who benefited from Epstein's ring, and that he's open to the idea that covid figures are less than what we think.

I don't agree with the covid figures stuff.

I don't think David Icke is credible either.

I agree that Epstein probably didn't kill himself.

My last partner had similar ideas but never talked about it except on one occasion with me and so it didn't impact on our relationship. He didn't have any friends who believed in conspiracy theories and he didn't spend any time on it.

I am a spiritual person and believe in various things other people might consider nutty. So you could say I'm a nutter too depending on your worldview.

My point is, he's on thin ice and I have my eyes open to see what else he's going to tell me about himself on these issues. If he starts talking about conspiracy theories repeatedly I will definitely dump him. If he says anything crazier than what he's already said he's going to get dumped believe me.

There's a spectrum of nuttiness...

There is also a spectrum of porn, and yoga crotches are not high on the scale by most people's standards. But you began with red flags including conspiracy theories in your title, and mentioned a specific covid-downplaying thing that bothered you in your opening post, that caught my eye. And now you're downplaying your own red flags!

To be truthful I'm much more bothered by the porny accounts on Instagram because if you click on the bio's for those accounts, they lead to sex workers who are asking for money for nudes.

With my last partner I saw the conspiracy theory stuff (and he believed in bits of it, not all of it) as an eccentricity. Maybe I have a high tolerance for nutters. I don't have a high tolerance for sleazes.

[quote Chocaholic9]@user1481840227 - it's quite a big exaggeration. I made a sizeable donation towards a campaign to get a strip club shut down for a particular reason to do with its location. I do voluntary work for an organisation that lobbies for the nordic model but I'm not a big part of it.

I agree I shouldn't get carried away. It's probably enough to just say I don't like porn and it's a dealbreaker for me in relationships.[/quote]
Yep I don't think you should need to lie or exaggerate.

One thing to remember though is that if he is a porn user and admits it and says he'll give it up no problem...then that's something that I think a lot of men say but when it comes to it they don't give it up because they don't see the harm in it.

Then it's often treated as a massive betrayal when the person doesn't give it up....but I don't see it as being that simple as I think it's easy for someone to make promises with great intentions early on and then later on they realise they never should have agreed to it or didn't want to.....and it causes lots of problems...so if they're a porn user when you meet them then they will more than likely always use porn to some extent so it's better to stop the relationship before it really gets going.

There was a very recent thread on here with a woman who got into a relationship with a smoker and told him smoking was a dealbreaker...years later he's still a smoker!

@Chocaholic9

To be truthful I'm much more bothered by the porny accounts on Instagram because if you click on the bio's for those accounts, they lead to sex workers who are asking for money for nudes.

With my last partner I saw the conspiracy theory stuff (and he believed in bits of it, not all of it) as an eccentricity. Maybe I have a high tolerance for nutters. I don't have a high tolerance for sleazes.

As for the covid figures......I think people would want to be mad to not even consider the idea that the numbers could be less than what we are being told!

Sorry didn't man to quote that post!

@user1481840227 - I agree about the not breaking habits thing.

I wouldn’t be interested in anyone who has Instagram full stop let alone following these accounts that’s creepy

Were they antisemitic conspiracy theories or anti-royal ones?

nah fuck this you're allowed to have standards, and David fucking Icke is very much not one.

I also signed up for something that sends me a report of likes over time retrospectively from someone's IG account.

^ This sounds nifty, OP. What's that then? (Am a social media ignoramus)

This is a bit odd . Yoga poses have nothing to do with porn. There is so much x rated stuff on Instagram that he could be following if he was disrespectful like that - yoga poses ( where your crotch would naturally show in leggings ) are of the more innocent sort . Yoga poses aren't indecent or sexual . They're fine .

You feel uncomfortable, the sex is not amazing. Why would you not end it?