Page 2 | Instagram red flags with new guy - pervy accounts & conspiracy theories

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 13:56

@SleepingStandingUp

Crazy idea but you're comfortable enough with this guy to have sex with him, so talk to him. If you can't talk to him, the relationship is doomed anyway

What on earth would I say?

"Hey, so I spent an hour last night going through every single account you follow on Instagram. I noticed you are perving on women in skimpy outfits and obsessed with women's crotches. What's that about?"

I also did look through his Instagram following also because we're both mad about cute dogs/cats and he said he followed some nice accounts on there and he'd send me some.

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Wimbledon1983 · 13/10/2020 13:58

It’s all about compatibility op. I don’t think Mumsnet will give you the answer as it’s not a right or wrong thing, if that makes sense. I don’t think it would bother me that much, but I’m not dating the bloke.

stillfeelingmad · 13/10/2020 13:59

Hmm I'm going to go the other way, in my early Instagram days I followed anyone It suggested becuase I hoped they would follow me back
I've also followed accounts that have reinvented themselves and changed their name/core focus so wouldn't necessarily
Have followed them now.
I've also followed some ones that post topless or tastefully nude men for workout tips thank god my now husband didn't scrutinise my followings in depth!

I think I would be more concerned about how much time he's spending on it and interesting: that would give more of an indication as to whether he's obsessively liking and commenting on this stuff

SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 14:00

I was looking to see what other accounts you followed that I might like but I was a bit perturbed by all the accounts of women flashing their crotches
Porn is a huge no for me after my last relationship. Is this something we can talk about?

He might be like omg o can't believe they're on there, I followed them years ago and I swear I'm not that guy, or he might say look I see you occasionally, I need something to jerk off to, or something in-between but it has to be better than 1. Pretending it isn't there 2. Ghosting him

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 14:06

@SleepingStandingUp

I was looking to see what other accounts you followed that I might like but I was a bit perturbed by all the accounts of women flashing their crotches Porn is a huge no for me after my last relationship. Is this something we can talk about?

He might be like omg o can't believe they're on there, I followed them years ago and I swear I'm not that guy, or he might say look I see you occasionally, I need something to jerk off to, or something in-between but it has to be better than 1. Pretending it isn't there 2. Ghosting him

That is one way to approach it however there was literally like 5-7 dodgy accounts out of maybe 600-700 so if I say something it will be clear I've gone through everything or most in his account, like some kind of stalker.

I wonder if I will just try and get his views on porn/sex work in general somehow.

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EarthSight · 13/10/2020 14:14

@PammieDooveOrangeJoof

Tbh if that were me I would think we were fundamentally incompatible so would bin him off. I had kind of the same thing and it put me right off him.

I'd leave it. He's going to be following what he likes to follow if you like it or not. There's not much point asking him not to because he'll only get secretive. I follow all sorts of random or diverse accounts online to try an promote my business, but nothing like that.

but doesn't like how so many people are posting selfies and revealing pics for attention. Kind of ironic.

Mmmm yes. I wonder if he's this judgemental when he's watching women on these accounts who do nothing but expose their bodies for his sexual satisfaction.

I wonder if he has a 'virgin/whore' complex, where he puts women he likes on a pedestal but women who deviate from that image are whores and deserve to be used & abused (which actually is what makes some judgmental, sanctimonious men hot under the collar).

MashedSweetSpud · 13/10/2020 14:14

You’re creeped out by it.

You’ll be eating dinner with him and suddenly think of yoga crotches.

I’d bin him.

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 14:16

I could tell him I'm the type of feminist who is anti-porn; part of a group women who tried to get the local strip club closed down and campaigns for criminalisation of prostitution, for the men who use them.

And see how he reacts.

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SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 14:47

I wouldn't tell him any lies unless you actually did try to get the local closed, it might come back and vote you one day

But if you don't want to admit to scrolling through 500 follows, then have you discussed last relationships and why your single? Would seem reasonable them to say "it's clarified that this is a deal breaker for me, I wouldn't date a guy who looks at porn'.
The issue is he might not consider #YogaCrotch as porn so it might need to be a wider convo about porn and "guys who dehumanise woman so they can walk off at their body parts" or words similar

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 15:01

@SleepingStandingUp

I wouldn't tell him any lies unless you actually did try to get the local closed, it might come back and vote you one day

But if you don't want to admit to scrolling through 500 follows, then have you discussed last relationships and why your single? Would seem reasonable them to say "it's clarified that this is a deal breaker for me, I wouldn't date a guy who looks at porn'.
The issue is he might not consider #YogaCrotch as porn so it might need to be a wider convo about porn and "guys who dehumanise woman so they can walk off at their body parts" or words similar

That's another way into the conversation. We haven't discussed exes.

He's had a major operation today so can't talk to him about it for a bit anyway. But will sleep on it tonight.

Thanks.

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Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 15:07

@SoulofanAggron

He doesn't come across as creepy at all in person. He comes across as respectful.

@Chocaholic9 Some of them can. And following such accounts on a business account is still a bit thick.

It's massively thick.

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Beamur · 13/10/2020 15:20

It's also possible that he might have looked at the yoga crotch ones briefly at something not crotch related...or followed them back because they followed him (I think there is a certain etiquette on Instagram). He might be innocent of intentional creepiness. Maybe.

Anordinarymum · 13/10/2020 15:26

@Chocaholic9

I've been seeing a new man, met via OLD. He seems very nice, we live about 30 miles apart and have seen each other maybe once or twice a week for the last 5 weeks. We're both looking for a serious relationship.

Anyway he messaged me on Instagram with a link to an account that I might like to follow (a mutual interest) out of curiosity to find out what else he was interested in, I went through who he follows.

I was dismayed to find one of them was a prominent conspiracy theorist who believes the royal family are shape shifting aliens.

There were also several accounts which were a bit shady in terms of women in really tight fitting clothes doing yoga poses which were all about showing off their crotch. When I clicked through on the bio, they led to "only fans" accounts. Another one was a sexy lingerie account. No total nudity but still a sexual account.

I am very sensitive about this because I dated a porn addict for a few months and it was a nightmare. I don't think this guy is a porn addict because he doesn't have erectile dysfunction and he clearly finds me very sexy and enjoys sex with me.

I want a man who doesn't follow such accounts. It was only about 5 of them that he follows but the conspiracy theory thing combined with these accounts has put me off him. To give more context, I am a second wave feminist who dislikes porn and any kind of sex work.

I also find it a bit immature & careless that he would publicly follow such accounts using his business account (he has a creative arts business.)

I'm not sure whether to let him know (when it comes up later) that porn is a dealbreaker for me.

Or just bail now.

What would you do?

If I hadn't been through his Instagram to see who he follows I wouldn't have known any of this about him.

He did say something last week about how he wondered if the covid numbers are made up and not as high as people think, which struck me.

To be fair to him, lots of people think the information we are spoon-fed as a nation regarding Covid is untrue and the real figures massaged and manipulated.

The Royal family. Oh my days. Prince Andrew.... I'm shaking my head as I type. I don't think they are reptiles or aliens but I do think they are disgusting in protecting him, and throwing Meghan Markle to the lions as it were...

For the rest.. I would dump him to be honest :(

Original poster

Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 15:27

@Beamur

It's also possible that he might have looked at the yoga crotch ones briefly at something not crotch related...or followed them back because they followed him (I think there is a certain etiquette on Instagram). He might be innocent of intentional creepiness. Maybe.

For a couple of different reasons, I find that unlikely. Won't go into too much detail about why but one of the reasons being a couple of those accounts he followed were blatantly dodgy, no mistaking them for something non-sexual.

I suspect he could be a bit of a sleaze but I need to find out, how much of a sleaze. Is is normal male red bloodedness (which I actually like) or is it actual sleaziness.

My problem is I want an enthusiastic lover who likes my body (which he does.) I've met men with no interest in porn and not a sleazy side to them at all but I've also had lacklustre sexual relationships with all of those men.

I don't want a total sleaze but I do want an enthusiastic lover. I need to work out what he is.

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Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 13/10/2020 15:31

I need to work out what he is

I'd say a creep. Bin him.

Manxiety · 13/10/2020 16:28

It might take some time op but you could go to a post from one of the dodgy accounts he follows and look at who's Liked it. If he has gone that far then 🚩🚩🚩

TBH, I would imagine a lot of guys perve over women in some way so at least you've clocked this. I'd just say, "I see you follow some interesting Insta pages DP, what's that about?" and see how he responds. He has sent you his account; any new partner would look at it.

AgentJohnson · 13/10/2020 16:41

Throw him back.

newnameforthis123 · 13/10/2020 17:01

I want a man who doesn't follow such accounts.

But he does, so he's not right for you.

It's a question of compatibility. You are already seeing signs you aren't compatible.

You have a good self awareness of your boundaries as you've outlined them clearly in your first post, so what's important is to adhere to them by not just recognising when they are pushed but acting according and realising someone isn't the right fit for you.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 17:10

I'm sending op is hesitant to give up the good sex

user1481840227 · 13/10/2020 18:13

@Chocaholic9

I could tell him I'm the type of feminist who is anti-porn; part of a group women who tried to get the local strip club closed down and campaigns for criminalisation of prostitution, for the men who use them.

And see how he reacts.

Is that true?

user1481840227 · 13/10/2020 18:22

I want a man who doesn't follow such accounts.

As a pp said, he does so he's not the one for you.

If what you want is a man who doesn't follow those kind of accounts then you need to stick to that rule or boundary and stop seeing men if you find out they do follow those accounts.

You don't ask the man to change for you. That's putting the responsibility on someone else to adhere to your rules/boundaries...when really it's you who should do so in the first place!

Joeyandpacey · 13/10/2020 18:28

Please don’t assume all men watch porn and follow accounts like this. Some (many?) don’t. It’s really not something you have to put up with.

user1481840227 · 13/10/2020 18:30

As for conspiracy theorists...well there's a conspiracy theory about one of the very prominent conspiracy theorists lol..

The story goes that originally they were a genuine conspiracy theorist who was genuinely exposing true things....
then someone or some organisation got to him so he's now not as legit as he was.
Some of the conspiracy theories he apparently discusses and brings to light are genuine and real, but he throws in some of the whackjob stuff like shape shifting aliens...to discredit himself....the idea being that the legit theories will come out one way or another but if the person exposing them is also talking about shape shifting aliens then no one will believer the less ridiculous (but genuine theories lol).

So while I don't follow those theorists myself I do know some people who follow some conspiracy theorists or websites even though they know some of what they're saying is crap! and they weed out what they think is true or not!

Hesfamousforit · 13/10/2020 18:48

Would put me off too. Yuk.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/10/2020 18:53

OK... So he's an average human who enjoys looking at people he finds sexually attractive. Good luck finding one who doesn't. Or maybe you'd prefer someone without a sex drive?