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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do about ds's dad dying

65 replies

Carpathian2 · 13/10/2020 11:43

My ds's dad is an alcoholic and was abusive during our whole marriage, so I went no contact about 3 years ago. He was abusive to ds too, and he hasn't seen him for 3 years either as I had to keep him safe.

Now though his drinking has caught up on him health wise. He has had a limb amputated due to DVT and his organs are all failing, there's not long to go the doctors have said, do I encourage ds to go and see him before it's too late?

I went through the same thing with my dad, I got a real shock when I saw him after only a week. He was grey: skin, hair and skinny with an enormous distended stomach. I've always valued the last few times I saw him and we managed to put some issues to rest and I grieved then and there.

I'm aware that I might be projecting to my ds and I'm mindful that it's his dad, not mine. But I just don't know what to do, he says he doesn't want to see him, but he's unaware of how final this all is.

He's 14 and I just want to to the right thing.

OP posts:
Holeinthehouse · 13/10/2020 11:47

You can only do so much. He has said he doesn’t want to see him so you can’t force him to go.

Maybe have an open and frank conversation about what is going on and let him know that you respect his wishes not to see his dad but you want him to have all the facts so he can make an informed decision.

If you keep from him how final this is and he finds out after he has died he may be upset you withheld some of the facts from him.

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 13/10/2020 11:48

I have a 7 year old so not experienced with teenagers but I would have thought an honest conversation would be best at 14.

If your DS has said he doesn’t want to see him, then I would probably try to gently make sure he understands this will be his last chance. Maybe ask if he wants to write a letter to his Dad, if he has things he wants to say but doesn’t want to see him.

Just make sure he understands it is his choice and you will support him whatever he wants. Try not to project your feelings/experience on to him.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it must be terribly difficult Flowers

User5688456333 · 13/10/2020 11:48

That's a difficult call to make. My dad died when I was 15, in different circumstances but he and my mum had split up so I didn't see him much.... I would tell your son how final it is and I would ask him if he wants anyone outside of the family to speak about it with ... a counsellor maybe, and let him make the decision. The fact I didn't see my dad much before he died still has an impact on me over two decades later. It's something that will leave a mark either way.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2020 11:48

Your son does not want to see him so his decision should be respected.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2020 11:50

I would encourage your son to contact alateen as they can be very helpful to young people affected by another person’s drinking. You may also want to talk to Al-anon again for the same reasons.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 13/10/2020 11:50

what a horrible situation for you both to be in.

i feel for both of you.

14 is reasonably old - do you talk about your ex with your ds?
if so, i would think it appropriate to ask him what he would like to do.

tell him you'll be right there with him, whatever he decides, but that it would be entirely understandable if he was not comfortable going.

seeing him after such a long time would be a challenge anyway, but given his illness and amputation, that is a huge amount for a 14 year old to process.

Charlieeee76 · 13/10/2020 11:51

I think you should go together. At 14 I would explain the situation. Right now your DS might not want to go visit his dad but I would. Try to explain it might be his last chance and later on as an adult I bet he would of wished he could of said bye.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 11:51

He's 14, have you told him how final it is? Does he know he's dying not just Ill?

Original poster
Carpathian2 · 13/10/2020 11:52

Thankyou for your reply.

I would never force him to go, he has spoken to his dad on the phone, but I can tell he really can't be bothered with him because he's always drunk.

Does anyone know of any websites or similar to help frame the conversation in an age appropriate way? My heart breaks for him for the father he should have had. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do for him.

OP posts:
babygroups · 13/10/2020 11:52

As he's 14, it needs to be his decision

MMmomDD · 13/10/2020 11:53

You need to tell him the truth and then he can make a choice.
Currently he is making a choice based on incomplete information. And probably assumes that he’ll deal with all of this one day.

I had an alcoholic father that I haven’t seen for several years get into a car accident and dying in a short time. Hard as it was to see him - I did, and I don’t regret it.
People need to be able to say goodbye. I was a teenager too but a little older than your son.

He may still not want you go, but at least it’ll be his choice.

LividLaughLovely · 13/10/2020 11:54

I would follow his lead. He’s old enough to say no, and I’d talk to him and make sure he understands but respect that.

My ex-h died of alcoholism at 39. We had no kids together but I was there when he died. I’d not been sure whether I should go, I hadn’t seen him for about four years by then, but his family asked me and I’m glad I went. But I was an adult and it was HARD, even though I’d almost hated him for so long, I’d loved him enough to marry him before that and watching him die was...

He was very yellow. He was very skinny and his hair was unkempt. He was 99% unconscious and kept moving his mouth in a weird way. I’m crying writing this, sorry, and it’s been four years. I whispered a few things to him but don’t think he really heard. Then he just stopped. If your son doesn’t REALLY want to be there, I wouldn’t force it.

Original poster
Carpathian2 · 13/10/2020 11:56

Thanks everyone Thanks

He doesn't know how final this is and I don't want to shock him by taking him there and him seeing just how bad he is. Maybe I could go first and see how the land lies? I really don't like him (xh) but I'll do it for my son.

OP posts:
movingonup20 · 13/10/2020 11:58

I think you need to be truthful with your ds. Give him the medical information you have been given - it's tough to hear but he can't be protected from hearing his dad has died and many people process it better if they know what is happening. He can also then evaluate whether to see his father based on the likelihood it's his last chance. So sorry you are going through this, do get support for him, he's unfortunately far from alone (my bfs kids went through this at a similar age) and talking to someone who isn't their mother was very helpful

SunbathingDragon · 13/10/2020 11:59

How does he not know how final this is? At 14 he should understand about death and that it is final. I would respect his decision, even if you don’t agree (just remember your experience with your father was a different situation and what was right for you, isn’t necessarily right for anyone else).

Original poster
Carpathian2 · 13/10/2020 12:00

@LividLaughLovely

It's really hard seeing someone like that isn't it?
I was 30, married ( not to this one) and with 3 ds when my dad died so a bit more mature. I can't imagine what it must be like for a teenager.

I'll talk to him tonight, it needs to be sooner rather than later

OP posts:
Scweltish · 13/10/2020 12:00

You need to tell him the truth op. It’s the only right way to go about it. You need to be clear that this may be the last time he’ll get the opportunity to see his father and let him make the decision for himself

User5688456333 · 13/10/2020 12:01

You would lovely and caring and your son is lucky to have someone considering his feelings as much as you are, but I wouldn't look to frame the conversation. I would tell him you wanted to speak to him about his dad. Start with talking about the alcoholism and how ill has father has become and end with telling him of the prognosis.... I would be straight with him. And answer every question he has as honestly as you can. This news is sad, and will be difficult for him to hear, but it's necessary. I'd outline the details and then let him ask questions about everything he wants more information on. You're going to be kind and supportive regardless.

Original poster
Carpathian2 · 13/10/2020 12:02

Thanks for your replies everyone, it means a lot.

I've only been sitting on this information since yesterday, hence my asking here.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2020 12:02

At 14 I think you need to sit him do and explain his Dad is very poorly, and he is likely to die within the next X. If he wants to see him , this is the time. If he doesn't that ok, but he needs to think if he'll regret it. Make it clea he LOOKS poorly too so it might be a shock seeing him bit you will be there if he wants.

He's not far from an adult, and there isn't time to step around it.

PerfectPenquins · 13/10/2020 12:03

You need to be completely honest with your son on his dads situation and that its unlikely he will be around for long. Your son then makes his own decision. My daughters didn't get that chance their dad died suddenly. The grief counsellor has advised open and honest communications to help them process it, I would try and be as open as possible to your son ASAP to give him time to think about how he feels and what he wants.

SoulofanAggron · 13/10/2020 12:04

I'd imagine it could be a pretty grizzly thing to see, as @LividLaughLovely says, for the sake of someone who's treated your DS badly.

PP's are right I think- give him the info then he can choose.

@Carpathian2 I think what @Holeinthehouse says to say is good-

let him know that you respect his wishes not to see his dad but you want him to have all the facts so he can make an informed decision.

Original poster
Carpathian2 · 13/10/2020 12:05

@User5688456333

Thankyou for saying that. My ds has been through enough with his dad already, it's heartbreaking to think he has to go through more.

OP posts:
Crayolo · 13/10/2020 12:05

You sound lovely OP, trying to do the best for your son despite the circumstances and reasons for having no contact. At 14 I would have thought it best to be honest, say you don't think he has long left and if you feel able to, pass on some of your experience of seeing your dad- he then has all of the info to make an informed decision, and if he does regret his decision one day, you have done all you can.

OverTheRubicon · 13/10/2020 12:09

He needs to know the truth, and I think you should also contact your gp to see what can be done about grief counseling for him. Even if his dad is absent, it's still very traumatic. An urgent counselling session might also help him work through his feelings. It might be right for him not to see his dad, but even so he's likely to feel a lot of guilt and second guessing over the years, best that he feels he had a proper chance to go or not and support at the time.

So sorry you and he are going through this.

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