Don't know what to do about ds's dad dying

[Carpathian2]

My ds's dad is an alcoholic and was abusive during our whole marriage, so I went no contact about 3 years ago. He was abusive to ds too, and he hasn't seen him for 3 years either as I had to keep him safe.

Now though his drinking has caught up on him health wise. He has had a limb amputated due to DVT and his organs are all failing, there's not long to go the doctors have said, do I encourage ds to go and see him before it's too late?

I went through the same thing with my dad, I got a real shock when I saw him after only a week. He was grey: skin, hair and skinny with an enormous distended stomach. I've always valued the last few times I saw him and we managed to put some issues to rest and I grieved then and there.

I'm aware that I might be projecting to my ds and I'm mindful that it's his dad, not mine. But I just don't know what to do, he says he doesn't want to see him, but he's unaware of how final this all is.

He's 14 and I just want to to the right thing.

Thankyou to everyone who's replied and your kind words.

I've just shed a tear because all I've ever done is try to protect him from his dad, but he's not a small child anymore and this is the reality.

It's all shit.

I lost my partner to alcoholism 5 years ago, I still have thoughts of how bad he looked when he was dying that trouble me. I would not have wanted my son to see him as he was during his final days & weeks. Let him talk on the phone or a brief video call, don't try to force him to go to see him, let his lasting memories be as good as you can for him.

He needs to know exactly what is happening eg that his dad is dieing.

If he still doesn’t want to see him would it be possibly to ask your ex to either write a letter (or someone write it for home) or to record a message for your DS that he can have when he does feel ready? There might be stuff your ex wants to say /stuff your DS will need to hear in the future?

@Carpathian2

Thankyou to everyone who's replied and your kind words.

I've just shed a tear because all I've ever done is try to protect him from his dad, but he's not a small child anymore and this is the reality.

It's all shit.

You’re right, it is and I imagine it’s bringing a whole host of sad memories back to you.

I don't think you should go to see him on your own, but if your son wanted you to go with him then that's different. It would be too tough for a teenager to go there on his own.

I hope the conversation goes well. Your poor son.

"At 14 I would have thought it best to be honest, say you don't think he has long left and if you feel able to, pass on some of your experience of seeing your dad- he then has all of the info to make an informed decision, and if he does regret his decision one day, you have done all you can."

This sounds spot on.

I think just have an honest conversation with your DS and ask him what he wants to do and give him a little time to think it over. Do warn him of how his dad may be though, but then leave it with him.

Thanks again everyone

At 14, I would be completely honest and tell him the prognosis exactly and that there's not much time left.

My dad died when I was 9 and we didn't know how bad things were so for any subsequent deaths or serious illnesses in the family I asked them to be completely honest with me and it made a big difference as I was then able to make a choice for what my last memory of those relatives would be and it gave me a sense of peace.

It is indeed all shit OP, and it sucks to be in this situation. Part of protecting him is giving him the power to make the decision for himself, that's all you can do, and listen to what he wants. Hope you have some support for yourself as well.

@1990shopefulftm

Thanks for that insight, it puts it all in perspective.

Ds will worry about me getting ill as I'm all he's got. This is going to be a hard conversation but it has to be done.

@Carpathian2 worrying about your parent when you re going to lose one is a completely normal reaction to it, I used to be terrified if my mum even needed to see a doctor but talking through that people dying that young is normally unlikely helped a lot.

Your DS is 14, you have to be completely honest with him about his dad, he’s not a little kid.

Tell him everything you know and discuss what he would like to do, help him explore the options. But you have to tell him ASAP, don’t leave this any longer

We were told my DD dad was dying, she's an adult and is NC with him, she was adamant at first that she didn't want to see him but I explained she may regret not seeing him and when he's gone it'll too late to change her mind.
Tell your DS the truth, at 14 he's old enough to know, explain to your DS, he may not want to see him but he may regret it in the future, give him the facts and support his decision.
Anyhoo, in our case it turned out DDs dad wasn't dying it was a ploy to get her to reunite with him. 🙄

Op, does your ex want to see your ds? Have you checked?

I was put in much the same situation when I was 30. I knew Df was dying, had been estranged for years. I had decided not to go but was guilted into it by family members who, I accept, were honestly trying to build bridges one last time.

Df saw me come into the room, turned over to face the wall and refused to acknowledge me. I stayed about a minute and left.

@Mintjulia

Yes, his df does want to see him, but it has to be on ds's terms.

I think it’s very important you are absolutely clear with your son that this is final and he is in no way being disloyal to you if he wants to see him one last time. I grew up having no contact with my father and for years while contact was still possible I felt it would be disloyal to my mum and step dad who raised me. In reality I now feel it would have helped me make sense of where I came from and answered some questions a lot sooner. I likely would still think my birth father was a crummy person but it would have been a less drawn out trauma.

I have been your son, I was 15 when I my mum told me that my Dad was in hospital in a bad way, he too was an alcoholic that I hadn't seen in 3/4 years. He had fallen drunk and not gone to the hospital straight away, they diagnosed liver failure when he eventually went. We were given the option to go and say goodbye or not. I went my sibling did not. My mum took me, he was in a coma and he never woke up.
I feel I got some closure for going, it was not a pretty sight admittedly and not how I choose to remember him. My sibling has never told me if they regret not going although there is more anger there than I have.
My Dad was never abusive to me but I think my sibling suffered some emotional abuse and he was a shit to my mum.
My mum is honest about who he was and the issues they had but she doesn't tell to make me hate him because she tells me the good stuff too but I do have the whole picture and not just a childs wistful view.
Unfortunately there is no right answer to whether your son goes or not, I would not force him either way but let him know he can always talk to you about his dad. Tell him he can go and tell his Dad he's a b*stard if it will help him to let go of any anger/resentment.

It may be worth advising school so a staff member he gets on well with can talk it through with him. He may feel more able to say things to someone who isn't emotionally involved. My brother was an alcoholic and I never got a chance to say goodbye to him and I'm sad about that although, the situation differs in that I had a good relationship with him even though I didn't see him much. I'm not sure whether my grief is more over a loss of the relationship I could've had if he wasn't an alcoholic rather than the loss of him dying if that makes sense. It's so final that he needs to be able to talk it through because once the opportunity to say goodbye is gone, it's gone forever. Whatever decision he makes I hope you will both be ok. It's a tough road ahead.

Honest conversation time OP, he needs to know his father is dying and then ask again if he wants to see him but if he says he doesn't that is ok too.

Definitely be honest. My dad died when I was 13 of cancer and my mum was completely honest with me. He was nursed latterly at home and my last memory is saying good night to him the night before he died. He was conscious, awake and sitting up but rocking back and forth and had no idea who I was or that I was even there. I can still see that image in my mind, but I'm glad that we had some time together before he got to that stage. If your DS does want to see him, do it ASAP before the memory is too horrific

I think you should be completely open and honest about the situation including how he looks and what is going to happen to him along with how close that is. Perhaps put it to him that although he may not wish to do it now but that he may regret the lost opportunity further down the line if he doesn't go.

He needs to know how final this is so he can make an informed decision 💐

It has to be his choice.

My Dad died in very similar circumstances when I was 16 and no one told me. I didnt find out until I went looking for contact myself years later. It was devastating to be honest, I'd prepared myself for a lot of things but I didnt expect him to have died at all!

It was very important to me to have seen him and I'll always hold it against my mother that she couldn't be the bigger person for my sake. She just didnt want to have to see him herself as she hated him.

Even if your son doesnt want to see him now, then maybe you could go and help his Dad write a letter for him for later or ask someone else to do that. And take a picture for your son just in case he wonders about it all later.

Very hard given you enforced NC over three years ago due to his alcoholism and abuse to your DS. Your DS must be confused as to why your trying to suggest he sees his abusive dad now. Him dying doesnt dismiss the suffering your DS experienced having him in his life. Your DS doesnt want to see him, my advice is to leave the option of him changing his mind open to him.

You might want to create a little photo album of his dad (using older photos) and family incase your DS wants it in the future.