Don't know what to do about ds's dad dying

[Carpathian2]

My ds's dad is an alcoholic and was abusive during our whole marriage, so I went no contact about 3 years ago. He was abusive to ds too, and he hasn't seen him for 3 years either as I had to keep him safe.

Now though his drinking has caught up on him health wise. He has had a limb amputated due to DVT and his organs are all failing, there's not long to go the doctors have said, do I encourage ds to go and see him before it's too late?

I went through the same thing with my dad, I got a real shock when I saw him after only a week. He was grey: skin, hair and skinny with an enormous distended stomach. I've always valued the last few times I saw him and we managed to put some issues to rest and I grieved then and there.

I'm aware that I might be projecting to my ds and I'm mindful that it's his dad, not mine. But I just don't know what to do, he says he doesn't want to see him, but he's unaware of how final this all is.

He's 14 and I just want to to the right thing.

Thanks again everyone for your replies.

I always intended to be honest with ds, he has some inkling of how bad things are because he spoke to his df on the phone on Sunday. I'm just trying not be too clinical about his health prognosis, but at the same time he needs to understand the severity of the situation.

Thanks to some lovely replies on here, I'm going to tell him as much as I can ( age appropriate) and tell him I'll go with him if he wants to see df as I don't think he'll want to go without me. I must admit that I want to say goodbye, despite the fact that he was an utter shit to us, as I want my son to see that I don't hold grudges and I don't want him to see me bitter. Life's too short.

I don’t think you initially need to go into too much detail to your son. Just along the lines “your dad is so unwell that he probably won’t still be here by Christmas and possibly not even beyond the end of the month. I’d like you to take the next couple of days to consider whether you do want to see him again or not.” Then if he says he does, you can prepare him for what he will see.

@ivegonegreyfindingausername

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been through it too. Alcoholism is awful and rips families apart.

My dad brought me up, but I had to leave home at 18 because he was getting violent. He was still my dad though and all these years later I can remember the good bits without being bitter about what happened.

I just hope, in the future, that my ds can see it the same way.

@SunbathingDragon

Thankyou, you've nailed how to start the conversation. That's what I was struggling with.

What have you told DS so far?

It sounds like this is more about you. If you want to visit, then go.

Your DS was abused by him and he may never want to see him again. He may have zero feelings for his dad.

I'm just saying that your DS probably has very different feelings towards him than you do. Respect his wishes not to see him.

I didn't see my abusive mother or go to her funeral and I have no regrets at all.

@RantyAnty but how old were you at that time? Making a decision like that as an adult is very different to making one as a teenager.

I'm sorry you had such a crap mum

@workhomesleeprepeat

Your DS is 14, you have to be completely honest with him about his dad, he’s not a little kid.

Tell him everything you know and discuss what he would like to do, help him explore the options. But you have to tell him ASAP, don’t leave this any longer

Please tell him the truth asap.

You sound like a great mum doing her best.

Well you need to be crystal clear with him that his dad's condition is terminal and he hasn't got long left because if your son would have behaved differently if he knew this, he may never forgive you for the rest of his life. At 14 he's old enough to know without any sugar coating.
If he doesn't want to see him in person then he could perhaps speak via phone? Is he also fully aware that you were the one who kept him away from his dad out of concern from him and it wasnt his dad directly rejecting seeing him?

Also be aware that sons often imitate their fathers. Especially dysfunctional fathers. On top of that tendencies to addictions can run in families. If he chooses to see him in that state, yes it may be disturbing but seeing the reality of it could actually be a really good incentive to avoid falling into alcoholism himself.

It may be worth contacting SeeSaw, who support youngsters through bereavement and will I’m sure have pointers about impending bereavement too.

💐 for all of you

My father died at a similar age (completely different circumstances). The 2 things I wished for were that my family had been honest with me about how ill he was and that I'd received some counselling During/after. It would have made such a difference.

Be prepared for the fall out to last many weeks and months ahead, so good support for you both is important.

Well you need to be crystal clear with him that his dad's condition is terminal and he hasn't got long left because if your son would have behaved differently if he knew this, he may never forgive you for the rest of his life. At 14 he's old enough to know without any sugar coating.
If he doesn't want to see him in person then he could perhaps speak via phone?*

This. He’s 14. Tell him his dad is dying, soon, and don’t pussyfoot or use euphemisms or minimise.

There is no “age appropriate” way to put it. He’s dying.

Tell him. Tell him if he wants to see his dad to ask and you’ll go with him. At any time between now and when he dies.

I’d also be fairly descriptive about what terminal alcoholism does to the body, and what he may see when he gets there.

But this is about your son, and what will help him. He does need to be sure though.

Personally I’d encourage him to see him and face the reality. I had lots of strange fantasies about my dad not actually being dead, and turning up alive and well with amnesia (to explain why he didn’t come straight home).

I second some sort of counselling, al-a-teen, winstons wish...

OP, have you told him your own story about visiting your father at a similar time? That might be a way to have a deeper conversation and communicate the point that there may be a positive in a visit.

My son was 13, a bit different, we'd been split up for 10 years when his alcoholic DF died. But by 14, I doubt there is much age appropriateness to consider, they know most things. Just say the truth as it is and it's up to him to then to decide, don't apply pressure or suggestion either way, he is not you, maybe you own DF was less abusive. 2 years before that, my son visited his DGM in hospital who died the same way, like mother, like son and n this case. I just hope my DS doesn't end up down the same path, no signs so far, well adjusted - a little mature for his age, but thoughtful and clever and very sporty. He makes me proud and came through it all well.

Please please make it clear to your son that it's terminal and that this will be it.

My adoptive mum died and I hadn't realised it was going to happen, despite all the adults knowing. The last time I saw her she was thin and yellow from cancer but I still thought she might come home.

Tbh ... give him the facts and make sure he understands.

Good luck, it's a dreadful situation for you both.