Hand hold desperately needed

[Helpmegetthroughthis]

DP ended things on text a week ago and I’m in the depths of hell.

Mistakes and differences on both sides but I put the nail in the coffin and he wants nothing to do with me. Recurring arguments but he said some terrible things this time and wants me to move on and forget he existed.

I am beside myself and have lost my future as we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Sounds a bit OTT but I’m unable to think of anything else.

He is going to the final stages of his divorce as I mentioned but I’m not the ow as they’ve lived separately for years. This is an absolute as she is in a different city and he goes back to see the DC.

We were looking at houses two weeks ago

Ah shit sorry, so you did.

I suppose it's better to find out what's what with him now than a year down the line when youd be tied together with a house. Small mercies I guess.

Know it hurts now but it looks like you could do better than him. At best, you ultimately weren't compatable. Partners should lift us up, not beat us down. You deserved better.

I don’t mean to paint him in a bad light I did something bad and accepted that this is my fault but we’d moved on and he is making things up.

no contact is so hard as I want to ask him why he’s doing this. He knows he can trust me but he is saying I probably won’t be able to maintain my commitment in the long run and will end up sleeping with someone else. Thatbis just the craziest thing anyone has ever said to me because that’s not even what happened but he thinks physical contact is the same as actual inter course. I would be upset if it was the other way around but he was with his family and didn’t tell me just expected me to trust him which I did. Maybe I was stupid to do so.

To be honest op something here doesn't add up. I've got a hunch you were more a fwb for him and the house hunting made him seriously think about whether you were "the one". Lots of people drift into a relationship without really thinking things through, it's only when decisions have to be made you step back and think is this right? 4 years seems a long time to be together and it still be only seeing each other every few weeks - after 3 months we knew we wanted to be together all the time then worked to make it happen, that's quite quick but 4 years?

Look after yourself, there's someone out there who is for you and won't make you wait 4 years either!

People tend to accuse others if things that they would do themselves.

*OF

I did say funny timing that he ends things before taking the next step and his response was it’s all just hit him now, so you may be right.

And for the fwb, he accused me of treating him like he was a causal non serious relationship because of what happened and obviously my shocking past! He told me he loved me after a few months of being together so I think maybe he thought we were and is angry because I wasn’t quite there yet so apparently I have wasted his time.

Who knows maybe I was ow and maybe there is someone now. Torturing myself i suppose as I will not get answers but still miss it all.

I'm more than certain if I told my husband that when I first met him I also hooked up with someone else a couple of times he'd be a bit shocked but would be OK with it. He would not now, years later, look through my phone or hold it against me. That's love. Not deciding that you'll never be faithful

Thank you, that’s made me feel less of a complete sh!tbag

I need to understand what’s happened as for me that’s important, I’d like to be the type of person who just says ok and doesn’t give it another thought like he has but I’m unfortunately not made that way

@Helpmegetthroughthis Hi OP. I think it’s time you stopped apologising! You didn’t actually do anything wrong 4 YEARS AGO. You weren’t official. You didn’t sleep with anyone. You should not have meekly accepted that you “did something wrong” just because he said so.

Then he wanted to delve deeper into your “wrongdoings” before you knew he existed MORE THAN 4 YEARS AGO. And made you apologise and grovel for forgiveness again!

He loves the power dynamic here. He loves to see you grovel and beg. And he can just make stuff up now. No matter how much you deny, he will just keep beating you with the same stick.

So it’s a good thing he’s gone. He would have made your life miserable. If he comes back to try for some more apologies, tell him you’ve reconsidered and decided you’ve done nothing wrong and wish you withdraw your apology. Take all his power away! You will feel much better!

That’s his whole point it was serious for him right form the beginning and the fact I didn’t feel the same and used the ‘we weren’t official’ line means I don’t have the same standards and values as he does. He was with his wife and family at the time I might add.

So I can’t win either way as he has made it out to be some kind of affair, it’s confusing as it seems he is adding in detail which are just completely over the top and in some cases completely untrue.

He is usually very kind gentle generous so I don’t understand his anger over this. This is the longest we have been without talking and it feels terrible.

@Helpmegetthroughthis, you have no idea what he was doing when he was being a workaholic or with his family.

I'm pretty certain that he has been dicking you about and that there is an OW.

Accept that it is over, go totally NC and forget him.

You haven't done anything wrong, but he probably has.

OP, you did absolutely nothing wrong. He’s gaslighting you.

Why would you say an OW? that make me feel quite sick.

Sorry for appearing a little thick but gaslighting about what? I’m not sure I understand what that means.

I have no clear thoughts right now and feel very muddled up.

No contact is happening which is good especially after what he’s said. Reading back through the messages feel like a punch in the gut actually.

Gaslighting is essentially when someone is screwing with your head really bad, deliberately. For example: to the point where you feel like you have to appologise for something - even when you have done nothing wrong.

It's pretty invidious stuff. And I agree with pp that what your ex is doing, is gaslighting behaviour. The brain fog it causes is a symptom of your own brain trying to wrestle with what you know to be true and the narrative they are attempting to drill into you.

*incidious

Oh another stupid question, why?

@Helpmegetthroughthis, men usually wait until another woman comes along before making themselves single.

He would have had the opportunity to get up to all sorts without you knowing.

The big red flag is the making a big deal out of a minor incident years ago now. I'd say it pretty much signals that he is up to something. He has probably made sure that he has friends who you've not met etc.

It isn't what you want to hear but if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

It's not something you have done.

Sorry, but you are unlikely to get any sort of closure from him. He's a coward who dumped you by text.

It's not what you want to hear, but if it wasn't an OW, he still doesn't want to be with you.

Accept it. You are better off alone.

Really sorry @Helpmegetthroughthis.
Hugs.
Believe the worst of him. Grieve the relationship and concentrate on getting through each day.

“He has probably made sure that he has friends who you've not met etc.”

This is very much the case, and I’m not sure why he never introduced me and I’ve not ever considered for one second there was anyone else but thinking about what you have said now I am not so sure. We are out together and have been away together to places but it’s all been very private.

As I said he is going through the final part of getting divorced (or so he says) he started the process years ago but just didn’t bother to go through with it until now.

Feel likes like I have had the wind knocked out of me thinking I was just some OW.

Yes I would agree if wanted to be with me he would but he’s not

OP you need to take those rose coloured glasses off.
This man is a louse! You've not painted him in a bad light, you've written about his behaviour honestly.
Right now you've got a million things whirring around in your head. All of the 'why, whats, when's and how's' on top of that you've got him slagging you off in text messages. Is it any wonder you feel crap?
There are some questions you need to be asking yourself right now..

1. Would someone who loved you or cared about you treat you in such a way?

2. Would you really want to be with someone who seems to want to put your life under a microscope and obsess on all these little details? Questions about where you've been? Who with? Things in the past?
   He seems a bit controlling and insecure. Do you want someone like him in yours and your kids lives? Honestly?

You are feeling pretty crap now, but you may find this has been a blessing in disguise. He's not a nice man. You deserve better. People can only treat you badly if you let them, don't let him knock you down anymore.
As others have said there is most likely another woman involved. That's why you're getting the 'script'.

Take care of yourself and your kids. Leave this guy to get on with his crap. Block his number, delete contact details and take back control of your life. It'll make you feel so much better.

The reason he said he was ending it was because he didn’t trust me because of what I had done and he didn’t want to be with me as it would be unfair on both of us. He said he could have forgiven it if I hadn’t carried on lying and then decided it was more than it was.

This is apparently the first serious relationship he’s has since him and his wife separated but then who knows if that is the truth.

I may have been very very blind.

He was the one for then, not the one full stop.

The best way to get a man to think about you is to get on with your life. Be elusive, make sure he knows nothing, look after yourself, make sure you work on yourself, be the hot woman you are, be confident and have fun!
He might want no contact now but the second he sees you happy and moved on he will be sniffing around you... trust me!
And even if you aren’t over him do not let him know that! Fake it!

Op I posted on your previous thread on this, now deleted, and stand by my advice on that one

The facts presented here are very different to that one, however. I’m now unsure if I wasted my time on that one if it wasn’t true, or if this one is different because you didn’t like how the last one went...

I don’t have a previous thread, so your advice would be helpful.