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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold desperately needed

89 replies

Helpmegetthroughthis · 12/10/2020 19:35

DP ended things on text a week ago and I’m in the depths of hell.

Mistakes and differences on both sides but I put the nail in the coffin and he wants nothing to do with me. Recurring arguments but he said some terrible things this time and wants me to move on and forget he existed.

I am beside myself and have lost my future as we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Sounds a bit OTT but I’m unable to think of anything else.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 13/10/2020 12:54

Heartbreak is horrible - I feel for you and made worse by redundancy - two things together a lot to deal with. Dont contact him- hard to resist urge but you must, it will make you feel worse not better. Try and keep busy and do things that make you feel good - a walk or run, a good weepie movie with some ice cream. Eat a little and keep hydrated. You will get over this. It will take time but you will feel better

Original poster
Helpmegetthroughthis · 13/10/2020 12:55

I have just realised that’s exactly what’s he’s doing. Why though???
And why rewrite the narrative???
We were just about to get very very serious so I guess he had second thoughts and this is his way out. Sad

OP posts:
sunshinerayz · 13/10/2020 13:03

You'll tear your hair out if you try to figure out "why" .

Someone else might've turned his head and he's trying to rewrite history to suit something along the lines of "this relationships was built on a lie I was never happy" to justify ending it.

He might just be a dick and act like a dick because he is a dick.

He was with you for an extended period of time knowing everything already (not like anything you did was that bad) so there's really no logical justifiable excuse.

Just don't try to win him back or show him you are weak or upset, if anything it will only stroke his ego.

Original poster
Helpmegetthroughthis · 13/10/2020 13:08

100% sure it’s not someone else that I can be certain of.

Yes he knew everything that happened and we had moved past it but keeps saying he’s discovering new things and he’s only now realising the full extend of all of it and how it’s made him realise just who I am.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 13/10/2020 13:17

Pft what a pretentious arsehole.

How dare he call your character into question for things you did (perfectly acceptable things btw) before you even met/got with him? Who does he think he is to judge you!

The guy has done serious issues op. I hope if he gets back in touch, you find the strength to tell him where to go. Because it seems like he is intent on eroding your self worth. Dont let him. You've done sod all wrong. And he is a shit.

Original poster
Helpmegetthroughthis · 13/10/2020 13:24

Well I spent most of last week begging and grovelling for things that weren’t true but I want him to believe that he has it wrong and he does! He just cut me off in the end but then still sent replies . Very angry replies then very cold and passive aggressive replies so I left it.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 13/10/2020 13:36

I think he knows he 'has it wrong' op. He just wants you to believe he thinks these things about you. So that you'll be stuck on the merry go round of trying to prove your innocence/goodness/loyalty to him.

You dont have to prove these things to him. If he cant trust you when you've done him no wrong, he never will trust you.

He is the one with issues. Great big issues with bells on. I'd be blocking his number.

Mischance · 13/10/2020 13:44

Do you know what has suddenly triggered him to start raking up old grievances?

Original poster
Helpmegetthroughthis · 13/10/2020 13:56

I can’t exactly remember how it came up in conversation but I told him I’d not seen the friend in questions but messaged about advice and that is what started it all again. He thinks that disgraceful and disrespected because of what happened and I was cheating all that time and so was continuing it. He then went through all the messages on my phone and found things from years ago in between splitting with DCs dad and meeting him and has added it to the list of revolting things I’ve done. I had a few dates but in outside places so nothing ever happens but he seeing believe that. And the messages from my friends well taken way out of context and he has blown it up into something it’s 100 percent not. When I try and explain he says I’m just making excuses and the fact I don’t understand what I did is another reason he wants nothing to do with me.

That led on to me being more interested in sleeping around casually and unable to change myself and commit to a relationship so he’s wasted all this time on me. He said if he thought I could change then we could have tried again but he knows I can’t change so he wants nothing to do with me or my behaviour.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 13/10/2020 14:00

And do you see it now op, how completely unacceptable this behaviour from him is?

sunshinerayz · 13/10/2020 14:02

Wow he's a disgusting prick isn't he.
Every update makes him sound worse.

Going through your messages and then shamelessly judging you for things you did before you met him when you were single!
I mean OP why weren't you a chaste, innocent virgin when you met so he could dress you up and put you on a little pedestal? I mean how dare you have a life before him that involved ..GASP ... Other men or you having a good time without him?! Have you no shame?

^ obviously that's sarcasm before anyone misreads it .

CarrieMoonbeams · 13/10/2020 14:05

Honestly OP, this is very sad to read. You seem to be determined to believe that his opinion of you is valid and you just want to excuse him all the time.

I've never been in your situation personally, but my cousin was married to a bloke like that who constantly raked up things from her past - even from way before she met him. He then started accusing her of wanting to sleep with any guy that she worked with, to the extent that she even started to pretend that she worked in an all-female team! Her confidence and self-respect were at rock bottom.

This was in the early days of internet dating, but guess who was found to have their profile on a dating site? Yup, him, and just to make it even worse, his profile picture was one from their wedding day, with my cousin cropped out of it. She was absolutely heartbroken and was saying that it was all her fault Sad.

Personally I think you've had a lucky escape. Be kind to yourself, please Flowers

CarrieMoonbeams · 13/10/2020 14:17

Actually I phrased my first paragraph badly, I've got a migraine so I'm a bit hard of thinking.

What I meant really was that he's saying those awful things about you, and you're looking for ways to rationalise it, instead of getting angry. How dare he say those things, what a damn cheek!

TheBlueStocking · 13/10/2020 14:17

I think you are better off without him from the sounds of it.

You will feel better. Not straight away. But it will happen.

MikeUniformMike · 13/10/2020 14:22

I'd guess that there is an OW.

Dragging stuff up from years ago to make it look like you are the untrustworthy one.

You'll get over it @Helpmegetthroughthis, and you are better off without him.

QforCucumber · 13/10/2020 14:24

He ended a long term relationship with you over text. He went through your phone. He has slut shamed you. You are better off without him. He has no respect for you.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 13/10/2020 14:35

He went through your phone, total invasion of privacy!

Original poster
Helpmegetthroughthis · 13/10/2020 14:37

No he doesn’t have respect for me I am realising that.

His last message was I will find some way to excuse it all but it’s okay because he should have known better but was blinded by his love.

I thought that was mean to be honest

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 13/10/2020 14:45

Because he is mean.
I dunno what he considers love but most sane people dont attach strings to love like 'you had to be a virgin saint before we even met'.

Even if he did decide that actually he wasnt ok with your past, that's still no excuse to be horrible to you. Or dump you by text. Or slut shame. Or go through your phone.

I bet one you e had a bit of head space from him,y you'll realise there were other red flags that you just excused for a quiet life or because you liked him.

Original poster
Helpmegetthroughthis · 13/10/2020 15:08

We were very much in love and I’d like to still believe that.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 13/10/2020 15:20

How many years were you with him?

Original poster
Helpmegetthroughthis · 13/10/2020 15:36

Almost 4 years

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmegetthroughthis · 13/10/2020 15:38

But I have DC and he is away for work so we saw each other every few weeks when I didn’t have the DC and we went away a couple of times over the years and spoke several times a day every day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmegetthroughthis · 13/10/2020 15:39

He is a workaholic which means he was on calls and email constantly

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 13/10/2020 15:56

So four years together and that wasn't enough to show him you were of good chatacter? He'd rather judge you on stuff from years before that. And his made up version of it too.

I'm sure others will point out that seeing someone once a fortnight, 4 years in...doesn't sounds great. I mean, no one is saying you need to have moved in together but...once a fortnight makes it sound like you were an afterthought. A little add onto his life. Tell me, if you had asked to see more of him, would he have accommodated? Or was the distance thing mutual?

I'm sure a few posters will wonder if he is married and you are actually the bit on the side tbh.

I'm sorry op but none of this sounds like love.
I couldn't ever imagine telling someone I loved that they had no right to have had a friend with benefits before they even met me.

Realistically, it seems he only loves himself. Take a leaf out of his book and be kind to yourself. You seem like a nice person. He seems like a dick.

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