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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When do adult dc forgive divorce?

65 replies

frocksmock · 12/10/2020 08:04

It's 3 and a half years since I divorced their father for emotional and financial abuse they didn't see or know about. Exh took to drink and was angry, upset and emotional, threw the one adult dc who still lived at home out and put all their childhood belongings in a skip. Nevertheless he met and married someone else within 18 months. I didn't show how distressed I was, apologised constantly to my dc, began dating but nothing really worked out and met a couple of abusive men along the way who treated me badly. My ds is lovely with me but my adult daughters are contemptuous, rude, unforgiving and barely speak to me. They have babies that they rarely let me see, but they involve their father and his new wife in everything. I understand that dating so soon looked bad and that I made some bad choices. I've done the freedom programme now and had a lot of counselling. I can't apologise enough to my daughters but they just refuse to forgive and their nastiness is tearing me apart. Every conversation is like treading on eggshells and I'm losing the chance to know my beautiful grandchildren. What can I do?

OP posts:

Fortunategirl · 12/10/2020 08:12

If he met and married within 18 months didn’t he start dating immediately too? I think you have to stop chasing them. Were you close to them during your marriage?

JorisBonson · 12/10/2020 08:12

There seems to be a lot more to this story than just a divorce

Original poster

frocksmock · 12/10/2020 08:15

@JorisBonson it was a very religious family upbringing they had and I left the church at the same time, but I was ashamed to put that part in. I tore them apart, I see that

OP posts:

JorisBonson · 12/10/2020 08:17

Don't be ashamed, it all builds up a picture of your situation. Is divorce frowned upon in your religion?

rottiemum88 · 12/10/2020 08:25

If they were adults, why did you shield them from the abuse you suffered from their father? Why do they think you divorced it they don’t understand this crucial element? I’m not sure you can expect forgiveness or anything else from your children if you can’t even be honest with them.

Purplewithred · 12/10/2020 08:28

If your DH was emotionally and financially abusive then I would say he’s the one responsible for the divorce. I can’t see that you have anything to apologise for here, but it does sound as if their and your upbringing puts it in a different light to you and maybe to them.

Original poster

frocksmock · 12/10/2020 08:30

@rottiemum88 because I wouldn't run their father down to them, they love him and their relationship with him is different to mine
@JorisBonson yes, it's devastating and I lost a lot of friends. It's a very patriarchal church - long hair, long skirts, men are head of the household. I can't forgive myself in many ways

OP posts:

Straven123 · 12/10/2020 08:31

The mistake was not being honest (in a child friendly way) with them when you were in your abusive marriage.
Imv adults do this all the time, want their DCs to be happy, so pretend bad things aren't going on when, of course, DCs can sense that there is problems and probably are left imagining the causes or blame, possibly making it all worse in their minds than it really is.

SharpLily · 12/10/2020 08:34

I’m sorry but you are going to have to be honest with them. They are holding past experiences against you without knowing the full story - how do you expect that to change unless you give them the facts they need?

AllsortsofAwkward · 12/10/2020 08:36

Seems to be more to the story you commented on dating several abusive men did this impact youre dds.

ravenmum · 12/10/2020 08:37

Why didn't you show them that you felt distressed? Maybe you have missed some more things out, but from the description so far it sounds like, from their point of view (as you have not told them the truth), you left the church and dumped their dad for no reason, then you were not distressed, while their dad was unhappy? You also apologised for initiating the divorce, i.e. told them that the divorce was your fault?

Are you sure that your ex's abuse was totally invisible? Seems as if they may also have learned to treat you like shit from their dad.

Original poster

frocksmock · 12/10/2020 08:55

@AllsortsofAwkward they don't live with me and knew very little

OP posts:

Original poster

frocksmock · 12/10/2020 08:59

@ravenmum you're right, and it felt like my fault. I went to college and that opened my eyes - I saw other women who didn't need their husband's permission for anything and it changed my whole perspective. I always encouraged my dds to go to uni and they did despite being homeschooled but when I changed so much they found it hard and i tried too hard to shield them because I wanted them to have a good relationship with their father.

OP posts:

Original poster

frocksmock · 12/10/2020 09:00

If I had carried on in the role of obedient wife this would not have happened and I've lost my salvation as well as my dds which I bitterly regret

OP posts:

Pr1mr0se · 12/10/2020 09:02

Are you getting any support. It sounds like you could do with some proper counselling to help you through this . Adult children can take years to 'come round' to the idea of their parents divorcing, it is nothing you've done or not done. Try not to push the relationship and be kind to yourself.

TiggerDatter · 12/10/2020 09:02

There’s a lot to sort out here OP. You and your DDs have been in a patriarchal setup for years, which means there are all sorts of things - guilt, duty, deception- getting in the way of your personal relationships with them. Are they still in the church?

Could you access counselling to try to unpick all this in your own mind?

Original poster

frocksmock · 12/10/2020 09:03

@Fortunategirl yes we were incredibly close, they were homeschooled and always with me or at church. They had lives of their own when I left and 2 are no longer in the church but I've changed and I see that's rocked them

OP posts:

Original poster

frocksmock · 12/10/2020 09:05

@Pr1mr0se that's kinder than I deserve, thank you

OP posts:

YukoandHiro · 12/10/2020 09:06

Are your daughters still part of the church/hold those beliefs? If so - especially if it's so patriarchal - maybe they genuinely (wrongly of course) believe you should put up with that kind of treatment.
Are they in subservient relationships? Are their children being brought up under the same belief systems?

ravenmum · 12/10/2020 09:06

If they were homeschooled then they have grown up almost entirely in the culture you were in. It's a shame that going to uni didn't give them the same broader view that your experience at college did.

It's only been 1.5 years, things are very likely to settle down naturally with time, but you're doing yourself no favours by encouraging their view of you as the baddie. Even if your own upbringing might be telling you that this is your fault, maybe you need to stop acting that way. It will just make them treat you worse.

Original poster

frocksmock · 12/10/2020 09:10

@YukoandHiro one has followed into a traditional relationship with a much older man and is still in the church, the other 2 are the opposite
@ravenmum it's 3.5 years and I'm no further forward - I just don't see an end to it and it really hurts

OP posts:

Footle · 12/10/2020 09:12

@frocksmock , you've lost your salvation?

workhomesleeprepeat · 12/10/2020 09:15

Sorry OP, this sounds really tough and you sound very brave. Well done to you for leaving.

It’s really sad about your daughters, but you raised them completely in your former religion, home schooling and all. It’s not surprising that they can’t cope with the change. It’s all they know.

I don’t have any solutions - maybe write to them and let them know you will always welcome them with open arms. I hope you can find peace in this situation

Original poster

frocksmock · 12/10/2020 09:16

@Footle divorce is unforgivable, I'm outside now

OP posts:

Poulter · 12/10/2020 09:16

I'm horrified the number this church has done on you and your daughters. You've internalised the idea that women have to be subservient and that if they break away from this then anything bad that happens to them is their fault.

I agree with Ravenmum please access some quality counselling, ideally from someone who works with people who have left a cult, which is what you essentially have done. It's terrible what they have done to your self esteem. None of this is your fault and well done for having left. Be honest with your children, they don't have to know the details but they should know that their father is not the saint he portrays himself as.

If they continue to behave this way, there's not much you can do and I would stop putting yourself through the pain of trying to be accepted. I would however tell your son so he can advocate on your behalf.

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